I consider myself refined.

IÂ’m comfortable in a finely cut suit. I can converse with sommeliers in their own tongue and with considerable knowledge. I have eaten in some of the worldÂ’s finest restaurants and I am at home and at ease in all of them. I have traveled the world and seen the finest architecture and paintings civilization has produced.

Put on a piece of music and IÂ’ll tell you the composer. Show me a painting and IÂ’ll tell you who painted and where itÂ’s currently hanging. I have a photographic memory and a gift for languages. IÂ’m well versed in philosophy, literature and geography. I have an unnatural interest in world history. All true.

And while that may sound pompous, all things are not what they seem. Though I now make a very good living, IÂ’m not rich. I was not born into money. I have had no advantages in life. I was born into a middle class family with almost no interest in the arts, save music.

I read a lot. When I was a kid I used to wish I were a peer of the realm. And though thatÂ’s not something I could rectify, I did set out to get myself an old world education. There were many bumps in the road. I never learned Latin or Greek and in fact I found that I had placed so much faith in old world literature that I was horribly misguided on world ideas and what a modern education consisted of in the 20th century. I began to loathe the fact that I was not schooled at Eton or Sandhurst. I felt that somehow I was born into the wrong family, and that my birthright was being denied. Most of this fantasy probably came from reading books like Ivanhoe and such at too young an age. The romance of the knight was ingrained in a boy who lived in a different world. The values, if not already extinct, were surely endangered. IÂ’m still pissed off I never learned to fence. I was a jackass. A misguided fool. And during the pursuit of all this nonsense I was entrenched in a fairly shitty neighborhood where people were plumbers and electricians, not heads of state or experts on paleography. The contrast was extreme. I was a rebellious son-of-a-bitch, constantly pulling pranks, blowing things up with illegal fireworks and fighting. I was certain I should be on fox hunts with old world royalty, not raking the goddamned leaves. (sigh) To an extent I still feel that way.

IÂ’m older now. IÂ’m still refined but I can shift with ease between lapin a la cocotte and hot dogs. IÂ’m just as happy eating in a diner as I am in a fine restaurant. Actually, thatÂ’s a fucking lie, but IÂ’m not as angry about it as I used to be. Since IÂ’m not wealthy I have to limit the number of expensive meals we enjoy to one a month or so. And now over time IÂ’ve come to appreciate them more. IÂ’d rather eat one tremendous, over-the-top meal a month than go out every Saturday to inferior establishments.

IÂ’m a funny guy. Not ha-ha funny, but funny strange. While I (probably) wasted a lot of time learning about art and history I spent almost an equal amount of time pursuing non-glamorous topics. I know more about the events leading up to the Gunfight at the OK Corral than a lot of people. Hell, I can quote testimony from the Earp trial like people quote Monty Python. ItÂ’s all worthless. There is no practical application. The bottom line is that I have in my head a lot of completely useless information good for absolutely nothing. The fact of the matter is that IÂ’m an incorrigible bastard with a wise mouth and little else to offer. IÂ’m not feeling very good about myself today. Please excuse the self-indulgence.

And, as of today, I proclaim “Cultural Friday” dead.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I say fiction! j/k. It is sad, the useless knowledge we keep in our heads. My wife laments when she hears some obscure 80's song she hasn't heard in 20+ years and suddenly catches herself singing along...

Posted by: Clancy at May 26, 2006 08:58 AM (JxYJc)

2 Buck up sparky. If it weren't for all that "useless" shit, you wouldn't be the same dude we all come back to hear from and about.

Posted by: Ted at May 26, 2006 09:57 AM (+OVgL)

3 Yeah, without all that useless shit in your head, how could you blog like the savante that you are I have even less useful shit in my head, mostly lyrics of every pop song I heard up until the age of 20. At that point I stopped listening.

Posted by: Oorgo at May 26, 2006 11:02 AM (2uqyw)

4 You wanted to say "idiot savante" didn't you?

Posted by: Paul at May 26, 2006 11:05 AM (vbP6L)

5 "Pity party of one?" calls out the host. WTF brought all this on?? And I liked "culture Friday" dammit... why do you have to cut out the things that *I* like? HUH??? Take it easy on yourself... the useless knowledge is the most interesting and fun stuff... enjoy it!

Posted by: Moodie at May 26, 2006 03:12 PM (6oc2R)

6 Ok I'll hop on board - I like this whole cultural friday thing also. I may not comment ( I so rarely do) but I stop by every friday just to add your useless information to my own stores. Yep - so there ya go.

Posted by: Casey at May 27, 2006 09:31 AM (0M9ku)

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Everything you need to know about Jazz, with an added bonus—a tale from my wedding

I grew up around jazz and jazz musicians. I know what IÂ’m talking about here. ItÂ’s more than opinion; itÂ’s goddamned common knowledge. ItÂ’s fact. ItÂ’s indisputable.

Kenny G does not play jazz. I donÂ’t know what the fuck it is, but hearing even one fucking note from him throws me into a blind rage. I know itÂ’s wrong to wish bad things on other people but in this case I have to make an exception. I hope somebody bludgeons him. HeÂ’s a fucking plague. He has fucking hoofed feet. He is evil incarnate.

And you know whatÂ’s worse? Anyone who ever spent one single penny on a recording he made or to see him in person. His fans should be lured into an arena under the pretense of a free concert and when properly confined they should be tarred, feathered and permanently marked on the forehead so we can see them coming in the future.

I find it hard to believe that anyone could enjoy the shite that spews from this unholy bastard from hell. TheyÂ’re the enablers! I would sooner see money given to crack heads than for some idiot to pay a single penny to hear this guy play a single note.

With this man walking the earth THERE CAN BE NO GOD.

If you have no idea what a real sax player sounds like you can download John Coltrane playing Giant Steps and find out.

HereÂ’s an excerpt from a Pat Metheny interview regarding Kenny G:

He had major rhythmic problems and his harmonic and melodic vocabulary was extremely limited, mostly to pentatonic based and blues-lick derived patterns, and he basically exhibited only a rudimentary understanding of how to function as a professional soloist Â… But he did show a knack for connecting to the basest impulses of the large crowd by deploying his two or three most effective licks (holding long notes and playing fast runs - never mind that there were lots of harmonic clams in them) at the key moments to elicit a powerful crowd reaction (over and over again) . The other main thing I noticed was that he also, as he does to this day, play horribly out of tune - consistently sharp.

HeÂ’s the godamned devil is what he is.

HereÂ’s a true story for you.

As I was preparing for my wedding we interviewed a DJ who seemed like he could fit the bill. We had to fill out a lot of forms about what we did and did not want to hear during the reception. I had a very long discussion with this guy and in no uncertain terms he was informed NOT TO BRING ANY FUCKING KENNY G TO MY WEDDING. There were lots of other rules I imposed, such as play no requests unless they are cleared by my aide-de-camp, the best man.

We were all musicians and we didnÂ’t want any shitty music played on my special day. Of course, three minutes into the reception I heard Kenny G come on and I went batshit crazy. The wedding party hadnÂ’t even been introduced yet and I sent my aide-de-camp scrambling into the large hall. Since the wedding party hadnÂ’t been introduced yet as soon as he entered the room everyone started clapping, thinking these were the introductions, but that didnÂ’t stop my good friend.

He waved to the crowd and literally broke into a run towards the DJ and in a voice loud enough for me to hear at a distance I could hear him yelling to,”Get that shit off NOW if you expect to be paid.” From behind the curtain I peered into the room and saw him waving his arms like a maniac and a moment later the “music” stopped. No segue into another song, just dead silence. The crowd was cheering and no one except the three of us knew what the hell it was all about and a moment later the sounds of Sinatra filled the room, again to applause, as my buddy walked back to our holding area waving to the crowd like he was fucking Tony Bennett.

###

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:49 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Everything you need to know about wine

ItÂ’s Friday and that means IÂ’m writing about cultural pursuits. Today weÂ’re tackling wine. YouÂ’d be surprised how little you need to know before you can act like a jackass or impress a skank.

LetÂ’s start with the fundamentals. YouÂ’ve got your reds and youÂ’ve got your whites. Champagne is beyond the scope of this article and blush is a joke that no elitist would ever tolerate (unless someone gave me a box for free). Since this topic is vast, this week were going to talk exclusively about red wines.

Interesting Fact
HereÂ’s a tip you may not know. Some very fine wines now come with screw caps. Due to problems with cork, more and more wineries have begun using screw on caps, which actually do a great job. No oxidation and no corked wine.

I would be impossible to impart the whole of my wine knowledge in brief, smart-assed article so IÂ’m going to skip over a lot of vital information about pairing wine to food. Instead just remember that a very bold red wine may overpower your palette if youÂ’re eating something delicate.

Red wines are classified in several ways: dry, sweet, heavy, light as well as by varietals and region. Sweet wines are for pussies. If you suspect you might be a pussy, you should probably order a Pinot Noir or a Zinfandel as opposed to a real wine, like Cabernet.

In order to make things practical: If you go to a decent steakhouse like MortonÂ’s or Ruth's Chris the most appropriate wine choice is Cabernet. ItÂ’s really that simple. A nice heavy cab is the perfect accent to a New York Strip. When youÂ’re ensconced in a high leather backed booth ordering rare meat, it really is the only choice unless youÂ’re a pussy.

There are some people out there who insist on drinking merlot. I used to tease people who drank merlot until that stupid movie came out and now it’s become passé. In my opinion, merlot is for people who are just starting to enjoy red wines. They can be very smooth and unassuming and I can understand that to some people, any wine that doesn’t taste terrible to them is a good wine. But the fact is, as your palette becomes more educated, you’ll realize that merlots do not have the complexity that a good cab provides. I find them boring. It’s like a virtuoso musician forced to play country music. It’s so simplistic that it’s a tiresome bore.

more...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:58 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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