Posted by: Jim at 03:39 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I would totally tattoo your name on my ass and I might vote for you too!

Posted by: De at August 14, 2008 12:50 PM (tMACI)

2 I'd vote for you just because the word Cock is in your last name.

Posted by: shank at August 15, 2008 11:59 AM (+H1yK)

3 And again, I post on top of you. I'm such a great guest.

Posted by: shank at August 15, 2008 12:00 PM (+H1yK)

4 De, you're hired! Sorry, Dave. She shows a much greater level of committment. That's okay, shank. I like it with you on top.

Posted by: Jim at August 18, 2008 06:23 AM (fRQT4)

5 That's okay, Jim. I'll just be campaign manager for the dog (I put his name in there). Besides, I'd rather not be on top with shank. Then again, I don't want to be on the bottom, either. I get claustrophobic.

Posted by: diamond dave at August 18, 2008 07:02 PM (SQMge)

6 google pigs come from yahoo

Posted by: tiffany-jewelry at August 25, 2008 08:08 PM (FSM5c)

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According to relevant theory they do. They're even strapping plastic bags on cows to catch their farts now.

I'm not sure if this is for research or an attempt to delay the cataclysm. Either way it's pretty funny and I bet you could get a load of cash for a bag full of cow farts if you put it on eBay.

But let's look at this rationally for just a minute. Cows are being targeted because of the volume of ass gas they produce. Why do they fart so much? Because of their diet. Farts start out as the air you ingest when you eat. You take in a lot more air when you consume foods like greens and leafy vegetables.

So...

If cow farts cause global warming, and;
Vegetables cause cow farts, then;
Veggies cause global warming.

The solution to the global warming problem is very simple. Start feeding cows meat and outlaw vegetarianism*. Vegans should probably be shot on site just on general principle.

Hat tip to Peppers Ghosts.

* Helen would get exempted due to her exceptional hottie factor.

Posted by: Jim at 08:58 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 At first I was like "What the hell is this? I'm going to have to postpone my Friday Blogging post until the afternoon now. Jesus! Fuckin' with my medium." And then you ended it by proposing a vegan hunting season; and totally redeemed yourself. Nice move Jim; nice move.

Posted by: shank at July 11, 2008 10:30 AM (+H1yK)

2 Oh. It posted anyways. I've been getting logged out every time I press the 'Save' button in MT. I usually have to log back in, open the entry, and hit 'Save' again for it to post. Except this time it posted on it's own. Confusing. Sorry for bumping you down Jim. Glad to see you back though!

Posted by: shank at July 11, 2008 10:31 AM (+H1yK)

3 Dammit Jim! (been a while since I've said that) Here I am, working on some good juicy vacation posts to satisfy my small starving audience, and you have to come along and steal my traffic! Oh well, I'll get to those later. Good to hear from you.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 11, 2008 10:39 AM (MDgLK)

4 Shank--use blog2.mu.nu. Jim--There is a special word in Munuvia reserved for moments like this. And that word is, "YAY!!!!!"

Posted by: Jennifer at July 11, 2008 10:56 AM (Koq/0)

5 Oh, I'm going to be working my exemption, baby. Working it. But I will be enough of an asshole to wave goodbye to the other veggies you feed to the cows. Also? About bloody time!

Posted by: Helen at July 11, 2008 11:53 AM (nxqC8)

6 Well, I'll be... Hi Jim!

Posted by: caltechgirl at July 16, 2008 08:04 PM (IfXtw)

7 Welcome back, Jim. Hope things are well with you and the boys.

Posted by: Moodie at July 17, 2008 07:09 PM (GN6CU)

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Some people collect Hummels, other people collect, you know, dead babies.

OCEAN CITY, Maryland (AP) -- Investigators found three tiny bodies wrapped in plastic at the home of a woman who was charged last week with killing her newborn child, police said Monday. Authorities were still searching the property, and there was a backhoe at the site Monday morning.

Christy Freeman was charged last week with killing her newborn, police say.

None of the bodies was full-term, and only the death that Christy Freeman had already been charged with was recent, said Ocean City Police spokesman Barry Neeb.

"The rest could be a number of years old," he said.

Two were found in bags along with what investigators believe to be a placenta in a trunk in Christy Freeman's bedroom, and another was in a garbage bag found in a motor home parked in her driveway, police said. The remains were sent to the chief medical examiner in Baltimore to determine the causes of their deaths, their ages and whether they were related to Freeman, 37.

Christy: So, what do you think of my collection?

Neighbor: My, that's quite a lot of fetuses? Where did you get them? E-bay?

Christy: Oh no! I made them myself. And let me tell you, it takes a long time to make one. The easy part is suffocating them in plastic bags. But it's all worth it.

Neighbor: Wow! It is a very impressive collection. But if you're going to go to all that trouble to make them and kill them, why hide them in bags. You need a little nick-nack shelf to put them on.

Christy: Ya think? Golly, you're right. First I'll have to dig up the ones in the yard. Damnit, I knew I shouldn't have buried the old ones.

The End

Quick question: Who's fucking crazy Christy? I mean really.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 03:42 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Having never met the guy, nor even talked to him on the phone, I had no idea what to expect. I called his cell phone to see when he would be arriving.

“Yeah?”

“Shank?”

There was a long silence. “Yeah?”

“It’s Paul. What’s happening?”

“I’m driving. Fast.” His voiced seemed calmer and deeper than I imagined. I could detect no outward signs of a mental disorder.

“How far out are you?”

“A couple of hours.”

We talked about beer for a minute and it was over. I was somewhat relieved that he didn’t sound crazy—I had a very real fear he would sound like he was on meth or something.

When the doorbell rang I was still apprehensive. I opened up and there he was; a normal looking guy. I would go so far as to say innocent looking. Life hadnÂ’t yet beaten him into the ground.

Once inside the questions started from both sides. He seemed very polite. Too polite. I thought maybe I was being duped. HeÂ’d act all polite and everything and then go berserk and pee on the carpet or something. We discussed the serial killer theories from both viewpoints, seeing as how we didnÂ’t really know each other from Adam. He would accept nothing from us except bottled beer. Maybe he thought weÂ’d try to poison him, or at least drug him up.

About fifteen minutes after he got there my wife went outside and backed into his car right in the driveway. I guess that loosened things up because the cocktails started flowing, the shoes came off and we relaxed and started talking shit about other bloggers. Much shit was dished out as is often the case when the other people arenÂ’t around to make it a fair fight. Somehow I expected him to talk faster and be more aggressive, but he was pretty laid back and comfortable in his skin.

He made some classic comments, like, “Your wife really looks a lot younger than you.” I’m not sure if it was a compliment to my wife or a statement about my age. Anyway, he turned out to be a very intelligent guy and not a raving lunatic. In fact he was really nice guy who I consider a friend.

The next morning he was hammering beers by 8:00AM, much to my wifeÂ’s amusement. Somehow I donÂ’t think sheÂ’d be amused if I did that alone, but Shank was a guest and was on vacation, so it seemed reasonable. Then we talked more shit about other bloggers and how we dislike most everything about the human race.

I wish he could have stayed longer.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:26 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife sent me this article that details the long-awaited suppression of a violent and incredibly dangerous "game" in a Massachusetts elementary school.

Tag, you're out! Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable.

Recess is "a time when accidents can happen," said Willett Elementary School Principal Gaylene Heppe, who approved the ban.

It's about time! Most people don't realize just how dangerous "tag" really is. More kids die each year from tag-related injuries than hopscotch and tiddlywinks combined!

In addition to the physical dangers, "tag" has massive potential to cause emotional trauma. Being "it" is not a good thing in this so called game. The "it" kid is a social pariah - somebody to be avoided at all costs, even to the extent of running away and screaming if they approach. Shirley Maclaine and Oprah, among tens of others, have described the buried tag-related anxieties and fears they relived under regression therapy.

The third facet in this playground axis of evil is the touching. Little kids, forced by peer pressure, to touch and be touched. It's a well known fact that "tag" is a gateway game to other touching games like "doctor".

Thanks the stars that there are principled and honorable administrators like Gaylene Heppe who are willing to put it all on the line to protect our kids.

Posted by: Jim at 12:03 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 Two words: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

Posted by: Moodie at October 19, 2006 12:15 PM (mev7n)

2 I figure the next thing to go are pencils. Those things are deadly! And do you realize how much damage a modern textbook could do? Those have got to go.

Posted by: Jim at October 19, 2006 12:24 PM (tyQ8y)

3 I think they should ban "Duck, Duck, Goose" too. That was one evil game...to this day, I cry like a girl whenever the geese fly over the house.

Posted by: Howard at October 19, 2006 03:36 PM (u2JaN)

4 How 'bout putting these wussy school administrators in a giant game of dodgeball? With baseballs. Thrown by 17 year olds. Oh yeah, they have to stay in as long as they are conscious.

Posted by: diamond dave at October 19, 2006 03:47 PM (1pMZq)

5 When I was a kid you could do anything on the playground. Some of those dodgeball games? Throwing as hard as possible right into people's faces, glasses breaking, crying jags, people running away wailing... For some reason I look back fondly on those days.

Posted by: Paul at October 19, 2006 04:26 PM (ahClC)

6 You people are fucking heartless. I, for one, am elated that such a horrible 'game' has been eradicated from the playgrounds of this school. I could only hope that a long list of violent and dispicable games would follow suit: smear the queer (god lord people), football, four square, teatherball, hopscotch, kick the can, and the penultimately horrible ritual called capture the flag.

Posted by: shank at October 19, 2006 04:53 PM (dWclD)

7 Smear the Queer. Great game...couldn't play it in Maryland, but we could in South Carolina. One kid broke his arm during recess playing Smear the Queer. (NOTE: In SC, it wasn't called Smear the Queer. It was called Kill the Man With the Ball, which was a more accurate description and exactly how those Southern boys played it.)

Posted by: Victor at October 20, 2006 07:22 AM (WHtgF)

8 In elementary we used to play a game called Murderball.... yeah... exactly... and that wasn't on the playground, that was teacher supervised. You basically had rows of people each with a ball and you had to run between the rows and try and not get your brains knocked out. Maybe the school administrators are equating the word "Tag" with tagging... you know... unf unf... "I tagged that girl in my geometry class, woooheeee"

Posted by: Oorgo at October 20, 2006 10:13 AM (ZUQGo)

9 Vic- I thought about calling it Kill The Man With The Ball, but figured it was probably a regional thing. Little did I know...

Posted by: shank at October 21, 2006 03:18 PM (dWclD)

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I'm not sure how many of you caught Dan Simmons' post last April. I found it to be a particularly riveting peice of short fiction; and it seemed to get visceral responses from many people.

So I guess I wasn't surprised after all the blog hubub that he came back this month with a decidedly non-fiction peice that revists many of the ideas and supporting thought that went into Dan's original story. I found it to be at least as equally riveting as the first.

Considering the commotion the first peice caused, and Dan's thorough rebuttal; I highly recommend them both. The pretty much refute for me any moral equivalency arguments against the war; but also clarify what kind of enemy we're at war with, exaclty; as well as how we should approach such transformational faiths and ideologies that threaten society by seeing other human beings as means to their ends rather than as ends in themselves. As Dan would say.

I'm telling you, it's a real eye opener; and you'd be doing yourself a disservice by not giving it some time.

Posted by: shank at 03:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Whether you liked him or not, you probably read him at one time or another.

Acidman is gone.

I'm pretty much speechless.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So the thesis thing went okay. Actually, the professor basically shredded my thesis into little bits; which she sprinkled on the floor of her office while skipping cirlces around the chair I was sitting in. I could swear she was humming a tune too. Hmm... At any rate, I'll be reworking it again this week and probably this weekend, the good news is I get to chop huge portions of it out as long as I enclose the pertinent data. Which really is nice, because when it comes to writing papers and analyses; I'm a pretty brief guy. Hate that academic mumbo-jumbo BS. Give me the info I need to make a decision, everything else can go in some appendix somewhere.

On an unrelated note, if you're petitioning for full citizenship in a country; and demonstrating hundreds of thousands strong in the streets of a major metropolis, it might aid your cause if you were to, let's say, avoid mugging photogs milling about. Oh, and even more importantly, please don't disgrace the flag: more...

Posted by: shank at 03:03 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So, I don't now where you live, but unless you live under a goddamn rock you probably have a Wal-Mart in your area. Well, around here we've been having a rash of robberies in the Wal-Mart parking lots. Apparently, they're big enough that a team of two can overtake someone, steal their wallet, and bail before getting caught. I didn't believe this shit until it happened to me this week.

I'm coming back from the store out to my car, and I've got two armloads of merchandise on me. I walk up to the car, and there's these two fine, barely dressed broads washing my windshield. They're rubbing their bodies all over the place, gyrating, moaning for Chrissakes. Except I'm a fucking nut about the damn car and I'm thinking I have to go home and dry the fucking thing off now. So I get ready to toss some money at these skanks to get them outta here; and they say they don't want the money. Whatever. I'm putting my shit in the trunk, and they're like "Can we get a ride down to Fairfield?"
"What the fuck ladies, do I look like I work for the fucking transit authority to you?"
"But we'd reeeeeally appreciate it," they say; fondling eachother. Unfair.

I let them in the backseat, and as we're cruising down the street these freaks start to make out. I'm trying to hold the fucking wheel, shift gears, check my blindspots, and watch these hot chicks covered in suds make out in my backseat. I was never good with over stimulation. Completely derails my focus.
Halfway there, the two of them climb into the front seat and start doing things to me that are illegal in 16 states. I'm trying to navigate rush hour traffic through a sea of knees and elbows; and the goddamn windows are fogging up.

I drop them off at Fairfield Shopping Center, and as I'm driving away I realize one of the wicked bitches lifted my goddamn wallet off me. Just wanted you guys to be on the look out. They go from shopping mall to shopping mall doing this shit to people and then lifting their wallets.

Happened to me this afternoon, Wednesday, twice on Sunday, and last Saturday as well. Fucking theiving bastards.

Posted by: shank at 10:55 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Here's the way I figure it. Hot PETA chicks* stage naked protests** against killing animals. If we stop killing animals, they won't get naked any more. Conversely, the more animals we kill, the more chicks there will be protesting in naked fury.

I'm off to get me a fur coat and a Big Mac.

* There's some man ass in there too for the ladies.
**The answer to the lead naked chick's question is "It depends ... are we talking bush babies or bengal tigers?".

Posted by: Jim at 06:21 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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With all the brouhaha about Christmas displays this year, here is a change in pace:

Murderous Santa display outside Manhattan mansion draws stares

Jason, Michael, and Freddy meet Santa, anyone?

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 04:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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California is looking to take the cigarette tax crown from Rhode Island. Rhode Island, at $2.46, currently has the highest per pack tax in the nation. A ballot measure in the land of nuts and money would raise California's per pack tax to $3.47.

Funds raised would be earmarked for health initiatives:

"It distributes the funds in a well-thought-out and comprehensive array of health programs that will make a frontal assault on the major diseases and causes of death in California, maintain and expand access to health care, and improve the health of all Californians," said Jim Knox, vice president of the American Cancer Society, one of the measure's sponsors.

Well hot damn, what a great idea. Cigarettes are bad for you, right? So the gub'mint puts an onerous tax on them and applies these gains to addressing health problems. As a side benefit they drive down the sales of the offending product and hopefully, in time, drive the offending companies out of business. Sweet. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:24 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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It works both ways, you see.

Kettle robbery suspect found dead

Lee J. George has been mugging Salvation Army fund raisers (the folks with the kettle on a tripod and that annoying bell*) since November 28. On Monday they found him dead in his car, which was overturned and at the bottom of a creek.

* A kinder, gentler Army. This weekend we saw a bell ringer at Wally-World without a bell. She had a red sign with big white letters saying "Ding!".

Posted by: Jim at 04:01 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Just a short while ago President Bush took responsibility for federal shortfalls in Katrina relief efforts. Now what are the odds that all of the people who were screeching about "only wanting to hear him take responsibility" will shut their foam flecked gobs?

Yeah, that's what I thought. I'll go buy a lottery ticket instead.

Posted by: Jim at 04:48 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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A bit over two years ago somebody outed Valerie Plame ne-Wilson. This may or may not have been a crime. Nobody knew for sure. Two years later it has turned into a massive kerfuffle with independent investigators, grand juries, millions spent on investigation. And nobody knows if a crime was committed.

Here's a clue - if two years ago something happened and nobody knew if it was a crime and you've spent millions of dollars and taken up tens of thousands of man-hours investigating it and you still don't even know if a crime was committed, it's pretty safe to assume that no crime was committed.

For the love of Pete, put this sucker to bed already.

Posted by: Jim at 08:32 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Trey posted his opinion on smoking bans. He just happened to post pretty much the exact thing that I was working on for a post. But being the resilient and dynamic writer that I am I will shift to another topic with the grace and agility of a ballet dancer. An incredibly well hung and hairy chested ballet dancer, I might add.

Cell phone use while driving. It's evil incarnate. It's dangerous. It causes accidents. Cell phones kill!

Fortunately, the Georgia Assembly is considering just how they are going to word a law that will make it illegal to use cell phones while driving unless you use a hands-free set. The people who are pushing for a law against cell phones aren't happy. This law isn't strict enough. You see, they want a complete ban on using cell phones while driving. They say that it isn't the act of holding a phone that distracts a driver, it is the attention he* pays to the conversation.

A complete ban on cell phones in cars just doesn't go far enough. We also need to make a law against talking to the driver. If a conversation on a phone is so distracting how could anybody argue that a conversation with the person next to you isn't? Maybe we can mandate that each new car has a sticker like the ones on busses: "Do not speak to driver while vehicle is in motion." more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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I need an unabridged thesaurus to properly express my contempt, disgust and outrage at this situation.

Mukhtaran Mai was invited to speak at a conference on women's abuse in America. A few days ago she was put on house arrest and listed officially on government enforcement lists as a person not permitted to leave Pakistan. Today she was arrested and brought to Punjab.

If the name Mukhtaran Mai seems to ring a bell for you it's because it was well publicized in 2002, shortly after she was gang raped on the order of a tribal council. Her 12 year-old brother had offended a powerful tribe by befriending and then being sodomized by a clan member. To punish the boy for his affrontery the local law (tribal council) subjected Mukhtaran to being gang raped by four men of that tribe.

After her story was publicized internationally the Pakistani government gave her a pile of "shut up about it" money. She used that money to start a school. Her students include the children of the men who raped her.

The shut up money didn't work so now the Pakistani government has kidnapped her. They have coerced her into making a statement that she does not want to come to America to speak about her experiences. Mukhtaran managed to contact a foreign reporter and explained that she and her family had been threatened with serious repercussions if she did not issue the statement.

Pakistan is our ally? Personally I want nothing to do with "friends" like this.

Muhktaran needs to be freed immediately and her right to travel returned to her. Any other action by the Pakistani government will say far more than she ever could about just what sort of place Pakistan is.

(Items from after she was placed on the No Exit list were from an NPR story I heard on the way home today. I can't find a link to it and am too pissed off to try very hard right now.)

Posted by: Jim at 06:15 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Heard this on the news this morning. Couldn't wait to get home and find it online so I could post it:

Boy gets trapped inside vending machine

I enjoy Jim's stories about his kids getting in trouble, but I'd like to see him top this one.

For that matter, can anyone else with kids top this?

SIDE NOTE: I goofed earlier. I posted with a different, though similar, story about another child who crawled into a stuffed animal machine. Trouble was, it was 18 months out of date. In my panic, I deleted the original entry rather than edit it and ended up just rewriting the post. Sorry for the brain-fart.

I guess this activity about crawling into game machines isn't all that uncommon, after all.

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 05:51 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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From Da Professor comes word the Supremes have ruled states cannot ban direct out-of-state wine shipments. This fills me with joy, as I live in Maryland, one of those backwaters where direct wine sales are banned. Worse, I live in Montgomery County, which regulates the sale of alchohol out the wazzoo. OUT THE WAZZOO, I SAY!!!.

Cheap Mad Dog! Cheap Mad Dog! Man, my life is COMPLETE!

Posted by: Victor at 02:17 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Here's an interesting tidbit I found at Rhymes With Right. The animal shelter at PETA's Norfolk headquarters isn't a no-kill shelter. In the past five and a half years they've killed over 10,000 puppies and kitties (Figure doesn't include murders in 2005).

Here's the numbers.

PETA had income of over $29,000,000 (that's TWENTY-NINE MILLION, in case you're having trouble with all of those zeros) last year. Obviously that wasn't enough to house the thousands of companion animals they killed. There must be something wrong with my math though because when I multiply 2,000 pets times $600 (average annual cost for a shelter to keep an animal) it comes out to way less than a single PETA advertising campaign.

There is no notice anywhere on PETA's website that they kill animals. There's lots of begging for money to save the animals though.

So donate to PETA and kill a kitten today!

Posted by: Jim at 12:46 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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