Tidbits of life in 9 minute increments.

July 29, 2008

Phone-A-Friend

So I was giving De a hard time about her lack of Dollyblogging. I knew she was down in TX somewhere, but I failed to notice that she was in fact out of the storm's path. That minor detail aside, she assured me that I would be the first person she'd contact should she find herself in the midst of an apocalypse.

I wonder how that convo would go:

shank is at home, watching TV and eating a bag of microwave popcorn on the couch. A phone rings.
shank: Yalla'.
De (static, screams, crashes in the background): SHANK!? IS THAT YOU?
shank(pulls phone away from ear, grimacing): Jesus Christ. Yeah? Who the hell is this?
De (continued static, glass breaking, sirens. The connection cuts in and out): THI- IS DE. -OOK, I'M IN A BIT -- A SPOT, -ERE. I NE-D -OME ADVICE ON -OW -- SURVIVE AN APOCALYPSE.
shank: Well, first things first. Do you have any personal lubricant?
De (white noise continues, thunder claps can be heard, horns honk): I'M -ORRY, BUT -ID YOU JU-- SAY '-ERSONA- LUBR--ANT'!?
shank: Yep! Make sure you've got a good supply on hand, as it were, so that you've got something to do when the power goes out and eternity sets in. If you make it past the four horsemen and what not. What's going on down there?
De (background noise reaches a crescendo, waves can be heard crashing, donkeys braying): WELL, IT -EEMS THAT THE END IS NIGH. THERE'S THIS -EVEN HEADED --ING MAKING ITS WA- THROU-- TOWN FROM -HE OCEA-. WHAT --OULD I -O?
shank: Um. How flexible are you?
De (wind roaring, dogs barking, cattle lowing): WHAT!?
shank: Flexible! How FLEXIBLE are you?
De (the sound of fast footsteps, muffled distortions, chickens being put in a blender): I'M -KAY, I GUESS.
shank: Good! All you need to do is bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!
shank (Hangs up the phone, and shovels a fistful of popcorn at his gaping maw.): Bitches always on my jock, yo. Can't even peep a movie up in this motherfucker.