For Christ's sake, check the shoes. Black and white wingtips aren't something you see everyday. you know, for all the grief a guy like me gets for having absolutely no style, not only do I have it up to my eyeballs; but so does the old lady. Somebody better send this in to The Manolo, just so we can prove that the metrosexual of the trend is just the fad of the latest bullshit. I rest my case. more...

Posted by: shank at 11:22 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 Ho-ly shit.

Posted by: Paul at March 28, 2006 07:32 AM (vbP6L)

2 Whoa... you are only lucky fucker. Congrats!

Posted by: Oorgo at March 28, 2006 11:51 AM (lM0qs)

3 Hey, at least I can spell! And I'm not lucky, I'm filthy stinking rich. Oh shit, nevermind. I'm just stupid lucky.

Posted by: shank at March 28, 2006 12:09 PM (+H1yK)

4 I was referring to the hotness of your espoused.

Posted by: Oorgo at March 28, 2006 01:02 PM (lM0qs)

5 Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying, it wasn't luck - it was all the cash I have. Except I don't have any, so maybe you're right and I'm just lucky. Lucky and, apparently, not very funny at all. Eh, probably because I'm not feeling that well today. Someone at the wedding had the crud, and they did their best to spread it around to everyone.

Posted by: shank at March 28, 2006 01:50 PM (+H1yK)

6 That's a perfect excuse not to kiss everybody that comes through the receiving line

Posted by: Oorgo at March 28, 2006 02:44 PM (lM0qs)

7 You are one stylin' dude. I especially like how you and the bride wore matching lipstick. It looks great on her! Congrats, and here's hoping she doesn't hate you in a year. (Paul, ask your wife if that's acceptable)

Posted by: Ted at March 28, 2006 07:21 PM (+OVgL)

8 She said it's acceptable if you've had three drinks or more in one hour.

Posted by: Paul at March 28, 2006 07:49 PM (ifwwm)

9 Congrats! So when are you gonna tell her that you aren't related to the Hiltons? The shoes kick ass and also go surprisingly well with jeans.

Posted by: phin at March 28, 2006 07:52 PM (9Vcb6)

10 Congratulations Shank, Mrs. Shank, i recommend a Louisville slugger to keep him in line. :-D

Posted by: tommy at March 28, 2006 11:05 PM (ZIRzQ)

11 First of all....your bride is GORGEOUS. Lucky you! I just hope the roofie doesn't wear off anytime soon. Secondly...HOLY FUCK. Shank! You're a BOY. A baby. You're so young. *sigh* I feel OLD suddenly....so old...

Posted by: DeAnna at March 29, 2006 01:58 PM (IdVP4)

12 Oh and....Congratulations to you both. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Posted by: DeAnna at March 29, 2006 01:59 PM (IdVP4)

13 Thanks for the wishes everyone! And DeAnna, I look younger than I really am. Try not to get all worked up.

Posted by: shank at March 29, 2006 02:18 PM (+H1yK)

14 It's official. The SBD writers are all taken. Weep, you women. Weep. Congrats Mr and Mrs shank!

Posted by: Jim at March 30, 2006 02:57 PM (tyQ8y)

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My inlaws are not sane. Well, when I read that it sounds like I'm saying all of them, but it's really only two - Mom and Dad InLaw. Completely and totally off the reservation, as they say. Apparently it didn't used to be that way, they just got divorced and went cuckoo. Personally, I think that anyone who behaves like they do is not suffering from some acute-onset adult psychosis. What these people demostrate is something that is obviously deep-seated and severly manic. more...

Posted by: shank at 01:12 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 The only people who were miserable at my wedding were the bride and I. A huge party, everyone having a great time and we were getting the run around. "Stand here!" "Put that drink down." "We need you over here." "Put your jacket back on." I recommend a sedative. Washed down with copious amounts of hard liquor.

Posted by: Paul at March 20, 2006 02:22 PM (vbP6L)

2 Well, I agreed with her that I not be drunk at the ceremony itself. However, I suppose I could have one of the boys pack a flask so we can start pre-medicating while we snap photos at the church.

Posted by: shank at March 20, 2006 02:31 PM (+H1yK)

3 I was sober for the ceremony, and unfortunately, I was so busy at the reception that I could barely catch a buzz there. Turns out you're supposed to go around and talk to people, thank them for coming, etc., etc. In retrospect, the best alternative would have been Vegas. Probably ten grand cheaper too. You'll survive, but it will be stressful.

Posted by: Paul at March 20, 2006 03:16 PM (vbP6L)

4 I made the "sober" promise too, then found out afterwards that my blushing bride was doing shots before the ceremony. That's all right, because I kept my promise, although the Best Man, Maid of Honor, my wife and I showed up half-lit to the reception. And in the end, every bit of stress and frustration is absofuckinglutely worth it.

Posted by: Ted at March 20, 2006 06:59 PM (+OVgL)

5 I don't know if it's the same in the US but in Canada if one of the parties signing the wedding certificate is plastered the thing can be easily contested. Just a heads up.

Posted by: Oorgo at March 20, 2006 07:56 PM (lM0qs)

6 Oorgo, in the US, we sign the license at the courthouse when we get it. Then the officiant (priest, reverned etc) signs it at the actual marriage rite.

Posted by: shank at March 20, 2006 08:03 PM (jfEhX)

7 So, you don't want the officiant to be drunk, but otherwise everyone else can have a raging time. Dude, I recommend the flask. It takes the edge off and you won't feel like a freak in front of all those people. Just don't get carried away or else you blushing bride will kick your ass later. And... congrats!!

Posted by: Moodie at March 22, 2006 02:37 PM (10FwA)

8 If you have a decent best man and maid of honor you can pass the glad-handing off to them. Your only responsibility is to stay just sober enough to consumate the marriage.

Posted by: Jim at March 25, 2006 09:19 PM (oqu5j)

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The bachelor party was a full-on riot. Thursday, I ran out of work early, drove to Raleigh and hung out with one of my old college pals there. We basically had lunch, and then he dropped me off at the airport. Where I commenced to prime myself for the flight by drinking those damn expensive airport beers. I don't really like flying (which is another poast altogether), so tieing on a decent buzz ensures that the time is spend in the air either seems shorter, or is spent sleeping.

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Posted by: shank at 01:41 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Dude, we got our first actual wedding present today. And as I've said before, I'm a big present-opening kind of guy. So I come home and there's this fucking big ol' box from Bed Bath & Beyond. Mind you, I'm not big on towels and sheets and shit, but I love cooking, and I can tell by the size and weight of the box that this is some cooking-ass shit yo.

Of course, the wife understands that I am a present-o-phile a little better now (since I complain about not being able to open them), and says it's okay with her if I open it. So there I am, super-stoked that I get to open this bad boy. I nicely slice the packing tape, flip the lid open gently, take note of the inspection slip, read it, nod like I know something about it (I'm really into presents), thumb through the accompanying paperwork (packing slip, etc), nod like I know something about that too. Then I pull out what must've been a two and a half foot by twenty foot sheet of paper. I guess they just used it to pack the box tight, but it's just so amazingly huge, I've never seen a peice of paper this big. I pull it all the way out of the box, untwist it, stretch it out to full length across the living room floor and entry way. I marvel at it's dimensions. Where did they get this? Can you imagine how fun it must be to work with sheets of paper this big all day long? Good Lord, imagine the pranks you could get away with if you had access to a single ream of paper from which this peice came! I decide to wear it.

Hey, shove off, I said I like presents!

So there I am, swaddled in the packing material that my new shit came in. My shiny, new, perfectly perfect thing. If it has buttons, dials, selectors, or settings, they probably all click, spin, switch, or turn with that smooth but precise action that only new buttons, dials, selectors, or settings click, spin, switch, or turn. The interior box is probably filled with all that senseless packing that conforms to the shape of my new item - carboard that's cut to size, bubble wrap, directions and warranties folded neatly and laying on top. If it has electrical cords they are, no doubt, tied just so, with the perfectly-sized twistie tie. I mean, how do they do that? When you go to store the damn thing, or have to pack it up to move, it never goes back in the box like that. Never.

Mumified in my new paper duds, I begin gently rifling through the outer packaging. It's got a slip saying who it's from, conveniently, with their address so we can send 'em a thank you note. Nice touch. I pull back a sheet of that foamy papery stuff they usually slip on top of the item and behold...the fucking thing is wrapped. Wrapped in wrapping paper with a card and everything. The blood rushes from my face. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. No, stabbed. Stabbed in the back, betrayed, made a fool of.

Oh, she knew. She had to've known! She wouldn't let me open the present knowing I would actually get to see it. She knew I'd open it with all the giddiness of a schoolboy, and then be crushed to see it was wrapped. She knew! more...

Posted by: shank at 06:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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