I'll never understand why some organizations choose their mascots. A mascot should stir admiration. It should be noble, but at the same time ready to dispatch it's competitors with extreme prejudice. Apparently, there are a few folks out there who didn't get the memo. To wit:

Blue Jays, Cardinals, Ducks, Orioles, and any other bird that is not a bird of prey. There's nothing about any of these creatures that rouses one's competitive spirit. Seriously, what kind of pussy runs onto the field screaming "GOOO RED-BREASTED PLOVERS!!"

Same with Beavers, Terrapins, or Turtles. Are these animals even carnivorous?

Inanimate objects are beyond stupid, and it is in this category that we find the most undeniably idiotic team mascot in the history of organized athletics: The Buckeyes. For a top seded football team, you'd think they might consider opting for a team mascot that's something other than a nut. Like maybe a fire hydrant. At least you could spray the shit out of someone with a fire hydrant. What the hell are you going to do with that nut? Bake some fucking cookies? Same goes for the Syracuse Orange. Seriously, I thought the term Orangemen was in reference to a group of transient northeastern citrus workers known for their ferocity and spirit in battle. Unfortunately, it's just an orange. Christ on a bicycle.

Notice here, that I haven't made mention of odd mascots. You know, the Tennesee Volunteers, the Purdue Boilermakers, the New York Knickerbockers. The thing is, at least these mascots have a locally relevant, historically significant story behind them. Unlike, say, the USC Trojans. Last time I checked, there was no historical record of a band of Trojan warriors settling in the greater Los Angeles area.

Clothing items. Seriously, if all you've got to be proud of are a pair of red or white socks; that's sad.

There's one that I just don't get though. The Crimson Tide. If that's a reference to the algal bloom that occasionally chokes aquatic ecosystems; that's fuckin' harsh. At that rate, it's only a matter of time before we have the Anaheim AIDS or the Cleveland Chlamydia. As sure as I am that everyone in Cleveland probably has chlamydia; I don't think it's something they'd opt to name one of their teams.

Posted by: shank at 09:21 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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