My inlaws are not sane. Well, when I read that it sounds like I'm saying all of them, but it's really only two - Mom and Dad InLaw. Completely and totally off the reservation, as they say. Apparently it didn't used to be that way, they just got divorced and went cuckoo. Personally, I think that anyone who behaves like they do is not suffering from some acute-onset adult psychosis. What these people demostrate is something that is obviously deep-seated and severly manic.

I don't know how someone becomes so self-centered that they call up their daughter less than a week before her wedding and start bitching at her about how her wedding is inconvenient for them, and how much money they're going to have to shell out to attend the event. You cyclopian asshole, your arrogance is a potent hydroponic marijuana, grown in a tiny room under calcium lights and swimming in carbon dioxide; it's sickening, and in being so is truly intoxitcating. There are people travelling from Alaska to come to this wedding. There are families trekking across the country with their children to come to this wedding. These are people who really want to be here, because they understand what this is about. You have a relatively diminutive 200 mile drive. Not only that, but there'll be all kinds of free (to you) food and drink. I mean, of all the people attending this function, you're probably spending the least. Literally, of all the people in attendance, you're spending a fraction of what the rest of us are. But see, that's because this is important to us. You're such a raging maniac that you don't care about anything that doesn't effect yourself. Maybe one day, scientists will discover a way to use the largesse of your ego as fuel for some kind of limitless power supply. Until then, here's your fucking $200 for a hotel. You come to my wedding, you don't say a fucking word, and maybe I'll feel sorry enough for you to allow you to be the tiniest part of my life.

And you. Yeah, don't think I'd miss the opportunity to give you a peice of my mind either. I'm just getting warmed up. You're just as bad as your ex-counterpart in more ways that I'd care to ennumerate. We'll just leave all the cheating, lying, and stealing out of this for now; and focus on that trait of yours that's equally similar to your ex's: that stifling ego. No wonder you two got divorced, there was hardly enough room for you in the same house. Which explains why you haven't once shared eachother's presence without the assistance of a baliff in the past few years. I've never met someone who felt so entitled to his children's lives; and I thank God my old lady is as normal as she is in spite of all the shit you've been responsible for. You're an arrogant fucking prick, a hypocrite, and the lowest kind of lying peice of shit. I've never met you before, and I consider myself lucky because I've heard first hand how you treat your children. Practically like fucking chattle they are to you. You come to my wedding, you don't say a fucking word, and I won't kick the ever-loving crap out of your face.

And you know, at first I was worried that the two of them might cause a scene and ruin our day. Everyone's having fun at the reception; music, food, dance, loud talking; and then the fight breaks out. Two old washed-up drunks doing their favorite show: I hate you for making me something I hate. The party comes to a screeching halt at the sound of slurred shouting and breaking glass.

But now I realize that if something like that happened, it would just be embarrassing to them, and not us. Because in the end, people would see that what happened was the result of us just giving them one more chance to behave like civilized adults; and them throwing it away for a chance to humiliate the other. Fucking pitiful you people are. Absolutely a pity.

Posted by: shank at 01:12 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 693 words, total size 4 kb.

1 The only people who were miserable at my wedding were the bride and I. A huge party, everyone having a great time and we were getting the run around. "Stand here!" "Put that drink down." "We need you over here." "Put your jacket back on." I recommend a sedative. Washed down with copious amounts of hard liquor.

Posted by: Paul at March 20, 2006 02:22 PM (vbP6L)

2 Well, I agreed with her that I not be drunk at the ceremony itself. However, I suppose I could have one of the boys pack a flask so we can start pre-medicating while we snap photos at the church.

Posted by: shank at March 20, 2006 02:31 PM (+H1yK)

3 I was sober for the ceremony, and unfortunately, I was so busy at the reception that I could barely catch a buzz there. Turns out you're supposed to go around and talk to people, thank them for coming, etc., etc. In retrospect, the best alternative would have been Vegas. Probably ten grand cheaper too. You'll survive, but it will be stressful.

Posted by: Paul at March 20, 2006 03:16 PM (vbP6L)

4 I made the "sober" promise too, then found out afterwards that my blushing bride was doing shots before the ceremony. That's all right, because I kept my promise, although the Best Man, Maid of Honor, my wife and I showed up half-lit to the reception. And in the end, every bit of stress and frustration is absofuckinglutely worth it.

Posted by: Ted at March 20, 2006 06:59 PM (+OVgL)

5 I don't know if it's the same in the US but in Canada if one of the parties signing the wedding certificate is plastered the thing can be easily contested. Just a heads up.

Posted by: Oorgo at March 20, 2006 07:56 PM (lM0qs)

6 Oorgo, in the US, we sign the license at the courthouse when we get it. Then the officiant (priest, reverned etc) signs it at the actual marriage rite.

Posted by: shank at March 20, 2006 08:03 PM (jfEhX)

7 So, you don't want the officiant to be drunk, but otherwise everyone else can have a raging time. Dude, I recommend the flask. It takes the edge off and you won't feel like a freak in front of all those people. Just don't get carried away or else you blushing bride will kick your ass later. And... congrats!!

Posted by: Moodie at March 22, 2006 02:37 PM (10FwA)

8 If you have a decent best man and maid of honor you can pass the glad-handing off to them. Your only responsibility is to stay just sober enough to consumate the marriage.

Posted by: Jim at March 25, 2006 09:19 PM (oqu5j)

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