Git on over to Electric Venom for the third installment of The Hunting of the Snark.

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Well, actually it's from the Atlanta area. And it's not really that hot today. Quite pleasant actually. That doesn't work too well with the over the top intro though. What the hell, let's give it a shot:

From the depths of a beautiful sunny day in the delightfully forested town of Duluth comes a horror the likes of which no one has yet seen and survived. Yes, with devilish delight I expose my victims to my Cheddar X responses! Bwah hah hah hah hah!

1. What TV show do you remember most from your childhood, and why?
>From early childhood it would have to be 3-2-1 Contact. It was the best kids show on television, hands down. Science was freakin' cool! An entire show about stuff I wanted to do! I had my introduction to paleontology and chemistry. In fact, my chemistry set was a direct result of 3-2-1 Contact. And oh, the hours of enjoyment that brought. Sulfur burns, shattering beakers, barely controlled alcohol fires. Ah, memories.

2. Who would you elect for governor of California? (Assume you're a registered California voter.)
My early favorite would have been Cruz "Bustamove" Bustamante. From what I had heard he was a well respected manager and politician. Then Arnold declared and there could be no other. I've been waiting oh-so-patiently for Arnold to get into politics. I mean, running for office in politics, not activist politics. He's my idea of a perfect politician. Self made, itelligent, generally genial but with a no-bullshit core. Add to that he's not a lifelong politician and that he could probably get away with riddling an opponent with bullets before dropping him off the Bay Bridge 'cause everybody's just waiting for him to do that anyway and you've got perfect political capital.

3. Do violence and drugs in entertainment media cause violent or delinquent behavior in minors?
Parents and environment cause violence and delinquency in minors. Entertainment is a part of a minor's environment that is under parents' direct control. I watched Apocalypse Now for the umpteenth time last week and, as it always does, it gave me a massive mood. It's a powerful movie. There is no way in hell that I would allow my kids to watch this movie. I know that if they did, they would be affected by it. For me it takes a couple of hours to shake it off and then I get mini-episodes for the next several days. Usually bad dreams for a night or two also. I can't imagine how bad this would be for a minor, someone who does not have the emotional experience to address their feelings nor the maturity to put things in context.

If you claim that violent and conflictive exposure will have no affect on kids then you are the worst kind of simpleton. If you say that TV / Video Games / Whatever made your kids bad then you are the worst kind of parent. My kids watch Noggin and some shows on Nick Jr., Disney and PBS. Am I overprotective? Hell no. I simply acknowledge that it's my duty as daddy to expose them to things that they are ready to handle. When they're older they will get to watch and experience more things. Some day I will be with the three of them as we watch Apocalypse Now but that will not be until they are mature enough to do so.

4. What are your current views on Iraq? How do they compare to your views from before the war?
I'm pretty upbeat but I have a few reservations. Things are progressing well, much better than I thought they would, but I think they would go even better with a larger military presence. I'd like to see us get a workable Iranian government and reliable local army in place as quickly as possible but then stay in an advisory capacity for as long as it takes to help them work through the growing pains. The major difference in my views before the war and now is how much I despise the despots of other Mid East countries (especially Iran and Syria) for their sabotage and hatred. They are doing everything in their power to screw with the Iraqis and they're getting a free ride from the bulk of the world press.

5. What phobias do you have? (Fear of spiders, crowds, etc.)
I have an irrational fear of being left behind at shopping malls. I don't know if I ever got lost in one as a kid or where the source of this thing is. When I'm at a mall and I didn't drive there I keep a very close account of where the driver is. I don't do things like "You go there, I'll go here, we'll meet up later". Can't handle it. It's especially irrational because even if I did get left behind there's no big problem to get home. Call somebody, take a cab. No major worry. Still scares me though.

6. If you could change one facet of American (or your) culture what would it be?
Diet. Specifically, remove sugar. America is so in love with sugar. I'm talking looooooooove. The average American consumes 160 pounds of sweeteners per year. Before the turn of the century the average consumption was around 10 pounds. Since 1974 the average consumption has doubled. Why does America have an obesity problem? Hmmmmm...

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Kate needs our help. She's come up with a new word and needs a definition for it. What should Speh mean?

I see loads of opportunity here. My first impression is a combo of Spew and Feh so I'm going with that.

Spew is vomiting but with a connotation of quickness and being unforseen. Spew is a reaction to a stimulus. Examples: "That coaster was so rough that I spewed" or "If I have one more jello shot I'm going to spew."

Feh is a very classy and time honored dismissal to a statement or occurence that includes built in disrespect for the object dismissed. Examples: "Donny Osmond. Donny Osmond. Donny. Donny. Donny. (pause) Feh!" or "Me? Go out with you? Feh!"

So Speh should primarily mean a disrespectful dismissal but include the element that the object being dismissed makes the speaker physically or emotionally ill.

So what do you think? Go give Kate your suggestions.

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Carnival of the Vanities #49 is up at Creative Slips. Come enjoy the self selected creme de la creme of last week's blog posts.

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The Ecosystem is healthy again and I need your votes for best post in the New Blog Showcase. I submitted Kids Trade Bad Habits Like Pokemon Cards and I'm currently in second place! You can vote for me by participating in the Ecosystem and linking to that Bad Habits post on your weblog. Even if you don't want to vote, definitely check out the Showcase. There's some good stuff in there, much variety, and you may just find that elusive blog you've been secretly yearning for.

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That's the finest collection of snarky rudeness that's come out of me in ages. Time to email Kate for the next Snark Hunt!

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You are commanded to go to the Hunting Of The Snark, Week Two o'er at Electric Venom.

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Rachel's review of Bowling for Columbine is a must read.

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1. What's your worst alcohol related experience?
Senior year of high school. Last day before second semester started. A bunch of friends and I procured alcohol for a final day of partying. Not beer, which was our usual, but actual alcohol. We each had our own bottle. Mine was vodka, my preferred "grown up" alcohol. We spent the day at Chestnut Ridge Park toboganning and drinking. Towards the afternoon I was already well beyond inebriated and took a suggestion from one of my friends to try snorting the vodka up my nose. A good portion of the bottle was used in this manner. Much of the rest of the day and almost all of the evening is a blank. I remember trying to dive into a pile of snow. Unfortunately this was a pile left by the plows and was the consistency of granite. I believe that this was when I broke my nose and chipped a tooth. My only other clear memory was sitting in front of another friend's fireplace with a coal bucket in my lap while several people tried to keep me awake and tried to sober me up so they could bring me back home.

I was violently ill the next two days. I missed the first day of the new semester as there was no threat that my parents could issue that would get me out of my bed. The second day I was able to stand and walk slowly as long as I didn't move my head in any manner and they successfully compelled me to go to school. That was the longest and most horrible day of my scholastic career.

I haven't been able to smell vodka since then without becoming sick to my stomach.

2. What's the absolute dumbest thing you've done?
Well if #1 doesn't fit the bill for this question I don't know what would. Oh, wait. Yes I do.

A few years ago Lovely Wife and I went over to a friend's house for a little socializing. He had just completed a drop ceiling in his basement and was showing us around. I had been involved in the bulk of the basement remodelling a few years back so I was feeling a peculiar tweak because this latest improvement hadn't involved me. I was looking for some way to contribute (read: show I was still a real man who could do construction) and picked up on a bit of laminate that was peeling. I grabbed a staple gun to tack it back into place but couldn't squeeze the handle. Now I was going to be embarassed - I couldn't squeeze the damn handle of the staple gun with one hand. I grabbed the base of the staple gun in my left hand for leverage and was able to squeeze the incredibly hard draw and put a staple directly through my left middle finger.

I had not been able to squeeze the staple gun because it was one of the new style that has the action loaded at the opposite end from the traditional ones. I had been holding it backwards with my left hand firmly gripping the business end of the device.

I compounded my idiocy by playing macho man again and taking the staple out myself, with a pair of pliers. Unfortunately the staple has speared a ligament and I seriously messed up mister FU finger when I pulled it out. My stupidity netted me the most painful finger injury of my life (and I've had loads of them to compare to) and an embarrasing story that has haunted me ever since.

3. What is your biggest crossroad in life? That is, what choice, action, non-action most brought you to where you are instead of where you might have been?
Installing ICQ was the biggest single event that changed my life. It blew and I quickly tired of it and the general scumbags that used it but I never got around to uninstalling it. I never bothered to take it out of startup either so I was online and available for chat when a totally random chat request from Lovely Stranger picked me. That first chat led to emails then to phone calls then to a visit. Lovely Stranger then became Lovely Wife and we now have three kids. If I hadn't played with ICQ back in '96 my life would be totally and completely different right now.

4. Who are your favorite bloggers and why?
The short list is hard to come up with but I'll settle on Venomous Kate, Ryan Rhodes and Jim Lileks. Ryan and Jim are excellent writers (makes sense because they are writers professionally) who tell engaging stories, often with a wry or sardonic viewpoint. I love wry and sardonic. Kate's blog has everything I need. She does commentary, fun, irony, sarcasm and life with incredible wit and precision. Plus at least half of my traffic comes from her site.

What all three have in common is a total and complete lack of tollerance for bullshit and that's a cornerstone of my own life.

5. What's your best example of ironic justice?
Something I'd like to have happen or something that actually did happen? If it's the first then I'd have to say Rick Santorum's autopsy revealing the cause of death as a rabid impacted gerbil.

6. Which is more futile, the war on drugs or the war on terrorism?
The war on drugs, for its inanity and base stupidity. We're talking about a "conflict" where we have complete control over the rules and how the game is played and we can't win it. Here's a clue for any legislative types that might be reading: Change the Rules! Then go buy The Phoenix Solution by Vince Bugliosi and do what he tells you to. The "war" on drugs would be over in 3 years.

7. How many copies of the Sobig worm have you had to delete this week? (round off to the nearest hundred thousand if you like)
Only 5. Of course I haven't yet checked my public address.

Nope, none there.

Oops. Just got another one.

And one more.

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I'm constantly finding new things out here in the blogoverse. Most of y'all probably see them and think "well, duh" but it's new and exciting for me so I'm more than willing to subject you to my fancy.

The one I found today is part of the Ecosystem at The Truth Laid Bear. Specifically it's the New Blog Showcase. NZ has set up a nifty little contest for new bloggers that helps introduce them to the blogosphere and the blogosphere to them. New bloggers submit a post and other Ecosystem bloggers can vote for the best simply by linking to it. Very cool idea.

Granted, the Ecosystem is in trouble right now but that's no reason to hold off on visiting these young blogs and voting (via linking on your own blog) for when NZ gets the Ecosphere up and working again.

My The own sumbission is Kids Trade Bad Habits Like Pokemon Cards. You should definitely vote for this one. It is without a doubt the best post that was submitted. Go ahead and look at the others though, just in case you have some odd kink or esoteric fetish that would make you prefer one of the others. Who knows? You may find a new blog to follow.

As a contestant part of my eligibility requirement is to vote for 3 other blogs. Though it goes against my very nature to support my competition i wouldn't want to forfeit my chance at the fabulous prizes I am bound to receive when I inevitably win so here they are:

Kid's Stuff at Futurballa. Neat little family post. Think Lileks with a late teens Gnat. Didn't have time to get into the meat of the blog but I'll definitely be back for a second look.

Kuching Fest Part VI at Mum-mum. Wena and Granny sample the goods. I got a bit lost in here but the pictures of food are so mouthwatering that it had to get my vote.

Davis Should Resign at Naw. Excellent insight into the situation and why Davis should resign instead of face a recall (this post was from back when Davis could have resigned and there would have been no recall). The blog overall seems mostly political and Adam is sitting left of center but he avoids the tantrumy tone of many political commentators so I'll probably be back there semi-regularly.

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Margi is now my favorite blogfem as she had the courage and conviction to nominate me for Sexiest Male Blogger. Well it was either courage and conviction or my abject begging overwhelmed her. Either way, Margi rocks.

There is a problem though. Alice did not put me into the poll. A simple oversight? Perhaps. Or was it snobbery against the vertically challenged? Maybe it was poll fixing? Her husband is a contestant after all. Hmmm...

Go visit and let Alice know what you think about it.

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Carnival of the Vanities #48 is up at Outside the Beltway. James did an awesome job with the presentation this week.

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Bonfire of the Vanities #7 has been inflicted upon the world. Go take a look at the many reasons that bloggers should all stay humble.

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Kevin has offered to put all public supporters of Glenn in a special blogroll that links to their posts of support. Hell I sold myself once for a pack of smokes and a jigger of tequila, you know I'm game.

Official Notice of Support: Glenn Reynolds rocks! He's the best! He has my unconditional (except for the blogroll thing from Kevin) support for all eternity (or at least until Frank beats Kevin's bribe recruitment bonus).

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Blatant knee walk begging for one of my lovely readers to nominate me as Sexiest Male Blogger. Don't be afraid to share me my dear ones, you were my firsts and will always have a special place in my heart.

Update: If you are a guy then the preceding wasn't really directed to you. Unless you nominate me, of course. Then it all applies.

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...so is the Cheddar of our lives.

1. How do you relax after a difficult day?
Um...relax? Dude, I've got 3 kids. When I get home from work it is barely manageable chaos until the spawn have been hermetically sealed in their pens and shortly after that I go to bed. No, there's no relaxing after a difficult day. I relax before a difficult day. I awaken to gentle woodland sounds and the gentle drip, drip, drip of the coffee maker brewing up a pot of fresh Columbian Supremo. I have a long, slow, relaxing smoke and drink my too hot but oh-so-good coffee out on my big ass veranda (that's "lanai" for some of you, "porch" for others) and either lose myself in a book for an hour or sit there and enjoy the air and the wakening natural world that surrounds our abode.

2. What's your favorite form of transportation?
Trains. Roller coasters are my favorite trains but I pretty much love 'em all. Subways, elevated rail, monorail, even cable cars. Love 'em.

3. What is your worst travel experience?
A bus ride from Buffalo to Portsmouth, VA. This is a trip I used to take at least once a year by car or plane. Plane is great, just a couple hours and you're there. Car is fine too 'cause I generally traveled with a bunch of friends and it only took a half day with tag team driving. I went down once on a bus as I was strapped for cash and wanted to visit my girl before I went to California (activated Reservist, Desert Strom). 29 hours of sheer hell. The bus stunk. The bathroom stunk. My fellow passengers stunk. After a day of sitting in a bus I stunk too. I will never ever so long as I live set foot on another bus that is going anwhere outside its own metro area.

4. When did you know you were an adult? I.e. what event made you stop and recognize that you were no longer a member of "those damned kids"?
I'm not too sure I ever had that event. With me it's been a very slow and gradual thing. I guess if I had to pick one particular thing it would be when I was spending the night in the hospital with little Burger who'd just had surgery. He wasn't even half a year old and my little guy's guts were so messed up he had to go under the knife or he would have died. It was a tense and sleepless night with me basically just standing there looking at him. Even though Burger is kid #3 that was when it really hit me that I was the daddy and everything got really real for me.

5. Why do you blog?
I love to hear myself talk. Since I get funny looks when I do that I write instead. I'm pretty pedantic and very prideful of it so putting my words out on a public platform appeals to me.

6. How does your real life persona compare to your blogger one?
Surpisingly the two are very close. I don't go as over the top with exaggeration and hyperbole when I'm speaking as I do when I'm writing. I'm not quite as forward either - I'll usually reserve comments until someone else has broken the ice. Other than that what you read is pretty much what you get.

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Is over at Right We Are this week. Go. Read. Experience.

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You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of sarcasm and wit. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Cheddar Zone!

These are some tough ones this week. You'd think I would have them all thought out seeing as I suggested them. You'd be wrong of course but that's okay - I still like you.

1. What animated cartoon character best represents you?

My first thoughts are Space Ghost or Pepe le Pew because I like to blast things and I used to have quite a thing for chasing girls who wanted nothing to do with me. I think I'll settle for all of the adults in the Peanuts animated specials. You see, they obviously think they are speaking clearly and concisely but all the kids hear is "Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah". This is apparently what my kids hear when I speak to them. For example:

Bacon: I want a penny.

I say: I don't have any pennies.

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah.

Bacon: Can I have a penny?

I say: No, bud. I don't have any.

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah.

Bacon: Please, can I have a penny?

I say: I said I don't have any pennies! Will you listen to what I'm saying for once? How many times are you going to ask the same question to get the same bloody answer?!

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah! Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah! Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah!

Bacon: (Cries)

2. What is your dream date?

Amazing how this has changed over the years. At one time it might have been something like jetting to Paris on the Concorde for brunch at a fancy schmancy frog restaurant followed by some opera or theater then a five star dinner and ending with a night in a penthouse with heart shaped Jacuzzi in the floor and polyfellatic performance from my date.

My needs are much simpler now. My dream date would be to take Lovely Wife back to Niagara Falls and saunter around to our heart's content. When our legs got a little tired we would go have dinner at "our" restaurant in Buffalo, The Friar's Table. After dinner we would party down at the Chippewa Strip and finally end up at the Falls View hotel in a room with a sunken Jacuzzi where I would cap the evening off enjoying a polyfellatic performace from Lovely Wife.

3. What are your politics?

I'm agnostic. I think that it is possible that there are true politics but I have not seen the proof. I hate and despise politics and most politicians. There are a couple exceptions to the rule but the vast majority of politicians are lying scumbag party slaves. The party system is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. One person cannot totally screw America, it takes a party to do it.

My personal views are center right but that's just an overall average. On any particular issue I could take either side. Some things I do feel strongly about is a need to reinforce and increase our military presence and that a state's rights should come before the federal government's rights.

4. What is the most despicable thing you have done to another person?

How to choose...how to choose...

Actually, the most despicable thing is pretty easy to pick out. A few years ago I was seeing a lady (down South we call them "ladies" even when they aren't) who had a predilection for having sex with people who weren't me. When I discovered this there was a rather nasty breakup. I was pissed and hurt and, for the first time in my life, very vengeful. I hacked her computer and got enough info on her Fuck Buddy (from her emails) to pass off that I knew a lot more about him. I wrote up a very nice letter to Mrs Fuck Buddy (Fuck Buddy was a married man, you see) and Fuck Buddy's boss, from Ex. I included a copy of all of the emails I had snagged from Ex's PC. The letter contained dates and times that those two were together (my best guesses plus 2 that I was damned sure of), where they met (at her job) and then some made up stuff that was very plausible. Things like visits to another woman in Rochester. I knew that he had gone to Rochester a couple of times on business. Since Ex knew he cheated on his wife it was very easy to make those business trips into "business trips". Then I sent the letter and papers to Ex. I didn't actually send them to Mrs Fuck Buddy or Fuck Buddy's boss though I included a note saying I did. Remember that I had made the letter "from her" so she thought that Mrs Fuck Buddy and Fuck Buddy's boss had received these letters and packets of info as if she had sent them. After mailing this I kept an eye on her emails and an ear on her answering machine and ignored her steadily frantic attempts to get a hold of me. I admit that I had a gloating good time with the results of my vengeance.

I don't know how long it was before I got into a healthier frame of mind but eventually it occured to me just how sick that had been.

4a. My addendum to this: What's the most despicable thing you've done and gotten away with?

Driving drunk, twice. Not "had a couple with the boys" buzzed but "rip-roaring only a total asshole would contemplate getting behind the wheel" drunk. Very fortunately I never hurt anybody or anything but it was only by the grace of the guy upstairs.

5. What is the nicest thing you have done for another person?

Not actually sending that letter and info to Mrs Fuck Buddy and Fuck Buddy's boss.

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...that can sometimes be way too much information.

Check out this parody of the Zoloft "ovoid guy" commercial.

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Is up at Across the Atlantic. Lots of good stuff there; check it out.

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