I was watching the football game.

"Daddy, what are tampons?"

"I have no idea, sweetie. Ask your Mom when she gets home."

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 06:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 24 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Good pass.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 22, 2006 11:20 PM (0vCok)

2 Teabags for vampires

Posted by: Ted at October 23, 2006 06:50 PM (+OVgL)

3 LMAO @ teabags.... I like that one, may I use it??

Posted by: Moodie at October 28, 2006 11:50 AM (mev7n)

4 of course

Posted by: Ted at October 29, 2006 09:51 AM (+OVgL)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

It appears as if collecting African babies is all the rage in Hollywood.

Famous people with too much money have been doing wacky shit from the outset and no one seems to have learned any lessons yet. Most of you are probably too young to remember the Beatles and the Maharishi. The Maharishi was the leader of a money grubbing cult of sorts. His schtick was transcendental meditation. It was all the rage with the hip crowd.

The Beatles, along with a group of Hollywood idiots were lured to India to study transcendental meditation from the great master, after of course, coming up with certified checks. It lasted about a week before they got bored and the Maharishi was caught trying to fondle Mia Farrow. Some people never see it coming.

Since then many an Hollywood idiot has jumped aboard any bandwagon that was in range of them. One of the latest rages has been the kabbalah. If you donÂ’t know what that is youÂ’re not alone. Neither do half the people learning it. Some tout it as Jewish mysticism, some as fortune telling and others as an ancient secret to life. Aleister Crowley based his whole black magic thing around it. Regardless, Hollywood is now filled with teachers of whatever it is and the rich and famous are running their lives around it. At least until they get bored, which is already happening. Then it will be on to something else. Like collecting African children.

Famous idiots with too much money are now flying to Africa and picking what they like from a flesh and blood line up of children. I donÂ’t want to suggest thatÂ’s like a slave auction or anything, but itÂ’s like a fucking slave auction. If one more Hollywood idiot does this I predict it will become a national craze. And I predict that right now Paris Hilton is thinking about it. After all, it would be so cute, just like the tiny little dog she carries around in her purse. Until these people start getting bored, like they did with meditation, kabbalah, etcetera. Then these kids will be regulated to the guest house and the nanny until their old enough to start robbing liquor stores.

Meanwhile, this thing is still on the upswing. African baby acquisition has at least another year before the charm wears off. Pretty soon when you lease a new car it will come with satellite radio and a one year old African kid (with approved credit).

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:36 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 424 words, total size 2 kb.

Last week I sat on a plane for five hours contemplating suicide. The only food available was tiny bags of pretzels. There was a baby in front of me crying non-stop. The armrest fight with my neighbor, a phlegmy cougher, was goddamned brutal. Delays kept us sitting on the tarmac for an hour before takeoff and when we arrived there was no gate for us so we sat there like idiots for another thirty minutes. I got to thinking how this could be improved upon and I think some of these ideas have potential:

The first thing they need to do is rip out some of the seats and install a craps table. Maybe a couple of black jack tables as well. Nothing takes the sting out of boredom like casino gambling.

A roast beef carving station.

A bar. Sitting there waiting for a drink while they stop at every seat on the way to pass out tiny cups of soda is more than inconvenient. ItÂ’s torture. How about a bar where I can walk up and order a cocktail or knock back a couple of boilermakers?

An adults only section.

All of the above are not only good solutions to the problems that travelers face on a daily basis, but theyÂ’re also alternate revenue streams. How hard could it be to make this happen?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 05:19 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 233 words, total size 1 kb.

So there's much ado about what someone's beer says about them. Don't believe me? Just look at the advertising dollars thrown at creating a brand image for any beer bottle out there. Well, regardless of what millions of dollars in advertising will tell you; there's only one thing a beer says about you. Thank God for me, because not only do I know the truth about beer, but I'm going to share it with you. Free of charge. Well, not exactly free; you'll have to hit the tip jar.*

1. PBR - As much crap as PBR gets, if it's good enough for guys who ride bulls for a living; goddamnit it's good enough for you. I don't know anyone who doesn't respect a person who drinks PBR, and it's been my experience that nothing gets you laid better and quicker than being seen with a PBR in your hand and a smile on your face.

2. Bud Light - "This mixer is ten times better than it was last semester. The pledges suck worse though. Fags. Oh, has anyone seen my pink polo shirt? The Chi-Psi girls are coming over soon and I look best in a popped collar." Seriously people. Don't drink Bud Light outside your homes. I was in a bar in Dublin once, and I saw a guy get his ass handed to him for ordering one. And they didn't even serve it there.

3. Milwaukee's Best - "I never drink less than 18 beers at a time. Hey, does your mom have an older sister?"

4. Blue Moon - "Oh my God, I got the greatest deal on a pair of boots at Structure today. You wouldn't believe it. And the salesboy? To die for!"

5. Miller High Life - High Life is the patron beer of the homeless. It's the dollar draft in more bars than any other, which makes it the obvious choice to quench the thirst that can only come from spending an entire day begging for change. And I'm not being cynical either. There are guys that spend their entire day begging for change right outside our bar, and without fail they show up at sundown with pocketfuls of freshly begged George Washingtons.

6. New Castle - "Dude, that last Widespread show was soooo dank." New Castle has become the beer for indiscriminant drinkers everywhere who want people to think they're discriminant. It's a shame, because New Castle reall is a good beer. But half the time I see someone drinking it, they simply order it by default; making the practice no more different than ordering any other mainstream American ale.

7. Heiniken - "I enjoy the taste of ice cold, imported piss. Won't you let me buy you a drink?"

8. Fruit Flavored Beers - Apricot Ales, blueberry, cherry, and raspberry rails; even the cherished pumpkin brew. These beers are strictly for females. Hot females, but females nonetheless. Be familiar with them, but it's not something you want to bring to the next poker game.

9. Here you'll find a list of beers that are in no specific order. They're good beers (in my highly prejudiced, oft scrutinized opinion) for a varying number of resons, which means if you're drinking them you're probably going to have to open your yapper before I publicly declare you an insufferable boor. Killian's Irish Red, Stella Artois, Anchor Steam, Yeungling, Pacifico, and depending on what you've had for dinner; Guiness or Harp. more...

Posted by: shank at 06:41 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 596 words, total size 3 kb.

I recently revived what was a pretty good practical joke on my wife.

I taught the kid to say a couple a phrases:

“My mommy’s still on the sauce.”

“My mommy drinks too much gin.”

I had the kid primed to spit these phrases out at the grocery store, play dates and such and trust me, it was effective. Right up until the retaliation came.

I was picking the kid up from practice and I was the only guy there and this whole sewing circle of mommies had me cornered and I was being a real swell guy until the kid walked up and shouted, “My Daddy’s medicine is called whiskey!”

I was appalled, but it could have been worse. My wife’s fairly devious and it could have been something like, “My daddy’s got the crabs again!”

I donÂ’t know whether to escalate this or surrender.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:07 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 148 words, total size 1 kb.

No matter how bad my mood is, I always say, “Good morning” to people. And when that greeting is not returned my natural instinct is throw my elbow into the side of the offenders jaw. How big of an ass do you have to be not to give or return a simple goddamned salutation? I realize that I can’t go around thrashing people for not saying good morning, but sometimes I have a hard time controlling mouth.

Like this morning when I said “Good morning” to someone and when there was a long pause I added “asshole.” It wasn’t a whisper, I barked it out. The look on the guy’s face was disbelief.

“What did you say?” he asked.

“I said ‘good morning,’ and when you ignored my salutation, I added ‘asshole.’ Because when someone looks at you and smiles and says ‘good morning’ and you just stare back for a moment and then look away, that’s what you are. An asshole.”

He just stared at me. I could see he was wrestling with himself internally. I donÂ’t know if I would classify it as fight or flight, but heÂ’d been insulted and he was torn about how to respond. Then I smiled, relieving him of his obligation to try and be the alpha male.

“I’m really sorry,” he said. “It’s been a bad morning…I really apologize.”

“I understand,” I said.

I thought about hammering the point home but decided to leave it alone and continue on my way. I canÂ’t wait for tomorrow morning. There are some things I simply cannot abide.

I hate people when they're not polite.
...Psycho Killer
The Talking Heads

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:00 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 283 words, total size 2 kb.