Tomorrow evening IÂ’m expecting a guest. I have never met him, nor have I ever spoken to him on the phone. He will be spending the night and his name is Shank.

This is not a test.

The only thing I havenÂ’t decided is who IÂ’m going to have answer the door and say itÂ’s me. IÂ’m torn between a 400LB black man and a 94 LB Vietnamese guy with womenÂ’s glasses.

Maybe IÂ’ll just do it myself in the nude. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 07:08 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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From the more great words in print series:

Somewhere in England a guy thought it would be a good idea to try and shoot fireworks out of his ass. The money line:

“He is now recovering in a Sunderland hospital after sustaining internal injuries including a scorched colon.”

A scorched colon. Speechless.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 05:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I normally donÂ’t post or care about this kind of thing but this is just too good. Britney Spears told her swollen nard bag of a husband that she was divorcing him. Via a text message. The best part, however, is the quote:

“Federline, her former backing dancer, was later seen crouched in a corner crying.”

I guess IÂ’m an ass, but thereÂ’s nothing I enjoy more than seeing something like that in print.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 05:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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So I was wading through the detritus at CNN.com and found this snippet. The police chief in this small town was trying to tell his boys in blue that he'd like for them to shape up a little. He even gave a list of practical reasons for a healthy regimen of diet and exercise.

Apparently someone's feelings were hurt. Evidently the term 'jelly belly' hjas some serious cultural connotations, and using such an epithet got the chief booted.

To me it doesn't seem like the guy said anything too pointy; but maybe I'm too insensitive. I could be wrong here, but I see the police force structured in a similar fashion as the military. When the chief says "Gimme twenny!", you do it. You don't start whining about how the chief made you feel insecure about your weight. Mostly because that would make you a big fat pussy.

If you ask me, there must've been some preexisting issues in the department; and the disenfranchised parties saw this as an opportunity to remove an irritant.

Apparently grunting is overly intimidating and judgemental behavior, even if you are squatting 500lbs. Now, in every gym I've ever been to I've heard grunting; as well as all manner of macho posturing. I never saw it as intimidating though, I mostly found it intensely funny. Trying like hell to stifle my laughter for fear that they would drive me into the ground with their bare fists like some kind of human tent stake.

But seriously, people grunt when they're taking a shit. It seems only reasonable to expect a gym to have a couple grunters inside.

Posted by: shank at 05:39 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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