“Larry, stop pointin' that fuckin' gun at my Dad!”

Â….Nice Guy Eddie
Reservoir Dogs (1992)

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Yesterday someone pointed out this story about a man who went missing on a Royal Caribbean cruise. Nothing strange about that really, it seems to happen once a month or so, and if I were an aspiring mobster I couldnÂ’t think of a more cost-effective, low risk method of offing someone than taking them on a cruise and going for a midnight stroll.

But it gets better. ItÂ’s now been pointed out that absinthe, an illegal drink in many countries, was being consumed by everyone involved.

First of all, letÂ’s talk about absinthe, which is all the rage these days. Absinthe is a vile tasting liquor that is illegal in America and many other locals because it contains wormwood, an herb that can cause hallucinations. Back in the day, absinthe was a favorite drink of Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe and countless other artistic types.

"In large amounts it would certainly make people see strange things and behave in a strange manner," said Jad Adams, author of the book, "Hideous Absinthe: A History of the Devil in a Bottle." "It gives people different, unusual ideas which they wouldn't have had on their own accord because of its stimulative effect on the mind."

Not unlike vodka, Jägermeister, or shots of Patron Silver tequila.

“Oscar Wilde, one of many 19th-century artists and writers who enjoyed the drink, thought the floor was covered with flowers while drinking absinthe, Adams said.”

Fair enough, I suppose, but still nothing a good grain alcohol buzz couldnÂ’t conjure at freshman mixer.

Anyway, you can buy absinthe today in England and many other places, but the laws require that they limit the amount of Wormwood thatÂ’s in the stuff, so essentially, itÂ’s so pussified that itÂ’s not really even absinthe anymore. In London bars they limit you to two shots, just in case. I guess they donÂ’t want anybody pulling a Van Gogh or a Tell-Tale Heart episode.

But back to the cruise ship.

“Witnesses say Smith and his bride, Jennifer Hagel Smith, were heavily intoxicated and argued in the ship's bar the night Smith disappeared. Passengers say Smith called his wife names, and she responded by kicking him in the groin hard enough to double him over.”

It gets complicated after that, but the absinthe plays heavily into things.

"They drank the whole bottle," said Victorio Jove, a 25-year-old passenger from Mexico.”

So thereÂ’s the theory. The butler did it in the library with a bottle of shitty booze. I think itÂ’s shite, personally. Shots of yacker-meister could easily provide the same effect as this watered-down version of absinthe only it wouldnÂ’t be mysterious or newsworthy.

But back to the cruise. Today someone points me to this story about the same missing man and the same boat.

“Imagine boarding a pricey, 11-day cruise to sail around the Caribbean and into the Panama Canal only to find a small squadron of criminalists in navy-blue jump suits - "Forensic Lab" emblazoned in yellow on their backs - inching their way across a metal canopy over a stack of lifeboats. Yellow harnesses adorned their crime scene uniforms, to save them from a fall.”

Well, I hope thatÂ’s romantic enough for you. If not, hereÂ’s some more:

“Several balconies above, forensic lighting was beamed down from what had been the Smiths' stateroom in a search for latent blood and other evidence. From multiple balconies above, cruise patrons leaned over railings and took photographs of a vacation bonus that was by no means highlighted by Royal Caribbean.”

This is even better:

“Lee, wearing latex gloves, could be seen spraying a chemical that enhances the presence of bloodstains to the undersides of the stateroom balcony rail.”

I don't know what I'm getting at here, but can you imagine being a passenger on this fucking love boat of death?

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Annoying someone via the Internet is now a federal crime

It's no joke. Last Thursday, President Bush signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity.

Â…This ridiculous prohibition, which would likely imperil much of Usenet, is buried in the so-called Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. Criminal penalties include stiff fines and two years in prison. more...

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I rarely comment on the news because too many people do it better than me, but these really got under my skin.

U.N. Temporarily Halts Caviar Exports

GENEVA - A U.N. panel ordered a temporary halt to caviar exports by the world's major producers Tuesday, buying time for experts to find ways to reverse dwindling populations of threatened sturgeon — whose eggs provide the culinary delicacy.

This the U.N. acts on?

Iran is now refining their own yellowcake, in North Korea thereÂ’s a nutcase with at least three mid-range nukes and a haircut worse than mine, and in Africa genocide has become the new Oktoberfest. And these assholes are fucking around with beluga? What a goddamned embarrassment.

On the lighter side:

Angry passengers sue after plane delay

BERLIN (Reuters) - Six German airline passengers who said they were being held against their will on an aircraft stuck on the runway for hours during a snowstorm have filed "false imprisonment" charges, German police said Saturday.

Passengers boarded the plane at Berlin's Tegel airport at 7 a.m. Thursday, but snow and ice delayed their takeoff. At 11:30 a.m. a man named Ingo Q. called a police emergency hotline on his cell phone and said he felt as if he was being "held hostage," the tabloid Bild reported Saturday.

These people sat on the runway for seven fucking hours. I’ve been in situations similar to this and let me tell you—you are being held hostage. It’s not like flights to London are scarce. Six people sued for false imprisonment and I hope to hell they win.

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