I had such a great time pretending there was an audience so interested in me that they were asking actual questions that I am continuing my self delusion with even more (in)frequently asked questions.

Q: How long are you going to do this (i)FAQ thing?

A: Until it bores me. Generally speaking that's how long I do everything including work, driving, sex, taking care of the fish tank, etc.

Q: Why do you use big words?

A: I don't use that many, really, but I have been known to use them on occassion. Here's the thing - The English language is gorgeous. We have the largest selection of words to use in the world because we take words from every other language in existence (and some languages that aren't). We combine words to make new words, morph words into new words, retire and rehabilitate words and generally do everything in our power to make English as difficult for a foreigner to learn as humanly possible. (Just ask Lovely Wife if you don't believe me.)

Let me put it another way. What sounds better?

1) Kate, whom we all adore, has a nearly perfect ass.
2) We adore the callypigian Ms. Kate.

#2 is much a much sexier sentence. Yes, it has a disadvantage because many people don't know what callypigian means but you don't have to be a cunning linguist to figure it out. Plus, look how concise #2 is. I've saved you, my dear reader, 4 entire words with that sentence! Let's try another one.

1) I can almost feel pity for the PLO when Meryl unshrouds their rancorous claims of revanche. But not really.
2) The PLO is a bunch of murderous thugs led by the worlds oldest terrorist and any chance of true peace in the Middle East is contingent upon the total annihilation of this group.

Now this one is a bit harder to choose a winner but that's mostly because they say totally different things. #1 is shorter and has cooler words though so we'll give that one the ribbon.

Q: How's the sex life?

A: Freakin' awesome! It's always been good but marriage year 5 has been exceptional and keeps getting better. Not sure why but if I had to guess it's because:

1) Lovely Wife and I are very much in tune with each other.
2) I dropped a load of fat. Lovin' is much better when you can breath during and after the pump and grind.
3) We're more rested. We finally have consecutive nights with no sleep interruptions due to screaming children.

Q: You're just bragging now, aren't you?

A: Yeah, but it's my blog so I'm allowed to.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 452 words, total size 3 kb.

Welcome to my (in)Frequently Asked Questions post. How (in)frequently have these questions been asked? Well, I'll just say that your question should have been phrased in the form of my answer and we'll go on from there.

Q: How did you meet Lovely Wife?

A: We met over the internet. She was a German living in Illinois, I was living in Buffalo. I was new to the Internet and playing around with ICQ and other messaging software. She went looking for a random profile to chat someone up and came up with mine. She liked my tag line (If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?) so started up a chat. We became closer gradually, helped each other through a breakup each and eventually realized we really, really wanted to be together. A bit over a year later she was living in The Netherlands (aka: Holland) and she came back here for our first RL visit. She never went back. 5 years later, 3 kids, much happiness.

I have been known to play the lottery occasionally now.

Q: What's your problem with guns?

A: I don't have a problem with guns. I'm actually quite fond of them. I often have a problem with people that have guns. Many of these people use them to shoot other people. I am fully aware that people have killed and will kill other people without guns. Guns just make it very, very easy. Guns also make it easy to accidentally kill people. How many accidental stabbing deaths have there been? The Constitution says we can own guns. I'm fine with that, I just want to put a better screen on what it takes to buy one. If you're an idiot - no gun. If you're a criminal - no gun. If you're a nut - no gun. When in doubt, err on the side of not letting idiots, criminals and nuts have guns.

Q: So would you own a gun yourself?

A: Probably not. There are few reasons to have one: hunting, protection, sport shooting. I don't fit any of those. I haven't hunted in many years. I never have and likely never will simply "go shootin" whether it's targets or clay pigeons. My 22 year old hickory bat is all I want or need for home protection. I guarantee I only need to connect once to take all of the fight out of an intruder. After all, I have the home field advantage. So I have no real reason to get a gun and 3 excellent reasons not to get a gun (Hint: Bear, Bacon and Burger).

Q: Are you some bleeding heart liberal?

A: Nope. Most liberal causes leave me sick to my stomach.

Q: So are you a conservative?

A: Nope. Although the conservative agenda sits much better with my orderly (read: anal retentive) thought processes, as a collective plan it rubs me the wrong way.

Q: Green?

A: Hehe. Hehehe. Hehehaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Lordy. That's a good one! Tell me another.

Q: So what the heck are you then?

A: No idea. I support the individual policies that I support. Some of them are openly (and unapologetically) contradictory. I'm a big supporter of the armed forces. I believe in gun control. I think that government should get out of just about everything that it is into. I believe that States' rights and powers should come before the Federals'. I'll vote for a candidate that I like and trust before I vote for a candidate that apes my policies. I was happy that Clinton won until he made me regret it. I was sad that Bush won until he made me happy he did. Overall I guess I lean a bit to the right. If you must pigeonhole me then call me a Reformist Antidisestablishmentarian, but not really.

Q: You don't like politicians much, do you? Why not?

A: No, I don't. Two words: Cynthia McKinney. Two more: John Kerry. Okay, two more: Newt Gingrich. These people, and many more like them, were/are elected to public office. High public office. Blatant lies, blatant racism, skullduggery, party politics, nepotism, you name it. All considered part and parcel for the highest leaders in the land. There are some good, honest, hard working and dedicated politicians. They are both overshadowed and tainted by the performances of their compatriots.

Q: How would you fix the problem?

A: Oh, my sad, naive friend. Your question assumes that the problem is fixable. I seriously doubt that it is but let's give it a good old fashioned Yankee try:

1: Abolish political parties. The vast amount of ridiculous crap that goes on in the government is a direct result of the party system. Partisan politics is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. Does anybody seriously think that Cynthia McKinney could have been elected/reelected without the support of her party? Does anybody seriously think that anybody in the party supported her? Hell no! They would have supported a tortoise with a lisp to secure that seat in Congress.

2: Start the Finger and Toe Policy. In addition to the current required standards (not that those actually serve any useful purpose) let the people issue a monthly referendum of support for their elected officials. If the official has at least 33% approval then all is well. If they don't they must either vacate office or cut off a finger or toe (their choice). This would correct the problem where politicians ignore their constituents until they need to campaign for reelection.

3: Do not allow idiots, criminals and/or nuts into office. The public has proven conclusively that they do not have the ability to prevent these people from gaining office through the simple act of not voting for said idiots, criminals and/or nuts. To protect the people from themselves, candidates would have to take tests to prove that they are intelligent, not past or probable future jailbirds and are not in any way, shape or form a loony.

Q: Would you really cut off politicians' fingers?

A: And toes. Please go back and reread that paragraph. Thanks.

Posted by: Jim at 10:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 1020 words, total size 6 kb.