Happy Birthday to you.
You look like a monkey,
and you smell like one too.

That's how it goes, right? I'm trying to recall the birthday traditions of my youth in order to pass them down to the boys. You see, summer is birthday season for our clan. Bear was July 24. Pop is Aug 8. Big Sis is Aug 9. Mom is Aug 10. And today? Well, today is when I officially turn twice as many years old as I was when I graduated high school.

Spooky. I don't feel 34. I certainly don't act it. I mean, 34 is so...adult. Heck, I spent a good chunk of last night playing Wario World on the Newly Restored Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube! Until I had to stop to rescue Burger from a nightmare and spent a half hour rubbing his tummy and talking him down until he could sleep again. Heck, as soon as I post this I'm going to fire up another game. Probably Medieval: Total War. Until the rugrats wake up, of course. Then I'll go upstairs, wipe butts as necessary, assist as needed with AM tooth cleansing, help the older ones pick out clothes, dress up the little guy, do the 4 dwarfs walk downstairs (Hi ho, hi ho, it's down the stairs we go.), get the breakfasts going, etceteras.

Taking an inventory we have: slowly thinning hair, minivan, "Dad" job, whole life, term life, medical, dental, renters, auto, supplemental life, clean house, 3 kids, Lovely Wife. When Lovely Wife went to New Orleans, G offered to take me to his favorite ballet club. (Ballet club is a Buffalo euphamism for the Canadian Ballet, or strip club.) My response was how about 6 Flags instead?

Damn. I am growing up.

Posted by: Jim at 07:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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>From the Cheddar X. This is even better than an (i)FAQ. Actual questions from other people!

1. What is people's greatest misconception about you?
That I'm whipped. When I answer a "Wanna go/do xxxx" question with "Lemme check with Lovely Wife" I get some sad and pitying looks. Trust me, if I want to go somewhere/do something, it's going to be gone and/or done. I check with Lovely Wife for a couple reasons. Most importantly, I have absolutely zero ability to recall my own committments. This is a malfunction in my brain that has been there since childhood. (On the plus side my haywire wiring allows me to read a list of 5 questions and "write" my responses in my head while editing a support document and simultaneously running regression testing on new software.) I have no idea if I'm already committed to doing/going something/somewhere at the time the question is asked. Second, unless Lovely Wife knows about it I will not be reminded about it so I will not end up going/doing somewhere/something. Lastly, I've got a Lovely Wife and three kids and I'm a committed hubby/daddy. I'm also whipped.

2. What is your most over used expression?
"Could be worse. Could be raining."

3. If they made a movie of your life, who would you want to play you and who do you think would end up playing you?
Want: Tom Hanks. Get: Martin Short

4. If you could have sex with anyone, ever, who would it be?
All of the above. Oh, sorry, that wasn't multiple choice. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the sexiest woman in the world, IMHO, but from what I've read in interviews and the fact that she married Michael Douglas she appears to be seriously "challenged" in the intellect department. That makes Elizabeth Hurley the champ in my bed. Gorgeous, smart, funny, gorgeous and you just know she's a wild lay.

5. What's the best and worst thing you've done for or to your appearance?
Best is dropping 50 odd pounds of lard that I carried around for waaaay too long. Worst was a mullet. Do not comment on the mullet. I know.

6. What's your best physical trait?
My back. I'm vertically challenged so my wide back & big shoulders have been my saving grace. So long as I'm not standing next to another human I look bigger. Plus, looking like a prototypical Irish brawler has allowed me to be an irritating prick without actually having to get my ass kicked.

UPDATE:

I have been informed by G that being whipped is not the the correct answer for #1. The answer should have been that people believe that I am productive and diligent. This is due to the fact that I work quickly and efficiently and never procrastinate. I do that because I am lazy. Very lazy. Lazy with a capital "L". By doing things quickly and efficiently I get them out of the way so I have more time to do nothing. By not procrastinating I prevent the terror inducing situation where I must work because something is due or (horror of horrors) overdue. Do not mistake my work ethic for a desire to actually work.

Posted by: Jim at 08:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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