IÂ’m instituting a new feature here at SBD. Since IÂ’m a cultural kind of guy IÂ’ve decided to share my vast expertise on all things cultural every Friday. Or until I get bored.

TodayÂ’s topic: Art Appreciation

The first thing we need to address is the fact that art is subjective. One man’s masterpiece is another mans complete and total piece of shit. With that said, let me tell you how I feel about modern art—I think it blows. If it looks like my kid painted it, I really don’t have much respect for it. Critics say that “Modern Art” embodies anything done since about 1800, but my definition is anything that looks like a second grader painted it.

I particularly enjoy paintings from the Renaissance period, like RaphaelÂ’s Woman With A Veil. Note how you can tell what the fuck it is, unlike, say, modern art. What appeals most to me about this piece is how the woman is looking directly at you whilst gently fondling her breast.

The Baroque period offers some of historyÂ’s finest works. LetÂ’s take a look at RembrandtÂ’s The Anatomy Lesson. Check out the look on the face of the guy holding the book. ThatÂ’s art.

ItÂ’s important at this point to make to make a distinction. Rembrandt, Raphael, El Greco is art. Throwing oneÂ’s own feces at a canvas or anything having to with soup cans is shite. This is an important distinction and you may want to write that down.

But back to the baroque period. YouÂ’ll notice a lot of semi-naked fat chicks, so if thatÂ’s your thing, youÂ’ve really hit the jackpot.

I generally skip right over the Neoclassical period. I donÂ’t knowÂ…it lacksÂ…chicks fondling their own breasts.

As far as modern art (by criticÂ’s definition) the realists and the impressionists have done some great work. RenoirÂ’s osHermanas.jpg">On the Terrace is a great example of masterful use of colors, yet you still know exactly what youÂ’re looking at.

Post Impressionism, Cubism, Abstract and other styles of modern art generally blow, but then again, itÂ’s all subjective.

Oddly, I can appreciate Surrealism and in particular Salvadore Dali. His ream_Caused_by_the_Flight_of_a_Bumblebee_around_a_Pomegranate_a_Second_Before_Awakening.jpg">Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bumblebee Around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening is very intense as is his ali_Self-portrait.jpg">Self Portrait.

Next Friday weÂ’ll look at cinema, which is a much more cultural way of saying movies.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:41 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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