So there's much ado about what someone's beer says about them. Don't believe me? Just look at the advertising dollars thrown at creating a brand image for any beer bottle out there. Well, regardless of what millions of dollars in advertising will tell you; there's only one thing a beer says about you. Thank God for me, because not only do I know the truth about beer, but I'm going to share it with you. Free of charge. Well, not exactly free; you'll have to hit the tip jar.*

1. PBR - As much crap as PBR gets, if it's good enough for guys who ride bulls for a living; goddamnit it's good enough for you. I don't know anyone who doesn't respect a person who drinks PBR, and it's been my experience that nothing gets you laid better and quicker than being seen with a PBR in your hand and a smile on your face.

2. Bud Light - "This mixer is ten times better than it was last semester. The pledges suck worse though. Fags. Oh, has anyone seen my pink polo shirt? The Chi-Psi girls are coming over soon and I look best in a popped collar." Seriously people. Don't drink Bud Light outside your homes. I was in a bar in Dublin once, and I saw a guy get his ass handed to him for ordering one. And they didn't even serve it there.

3. Milwaukee's Best - "I never drink less than 18 beers at a time. Hey, does your mom have an older sister?"

4. Blue Moon - "Oh my God, I got the greatest deal on a pair of boots at Structure today. You wouldn't believe it. And the salesboy? To die for!"

5. Miller High Life - High Life is the patron beer of the homeless. It's the dollar draft in more bars than any other, which makes it the obvious choice to quench the thirst that can only come from spending an entire day begging for change. And I'm not being cynical either. There are guys that spend their entire day begging for change right outside our bar, and without fail they show up at sundown with pocketfuls of freshly begged George Washingtons.

6. New Castle - "Dude, that last Widespread show was soooo dank." New Castle has become the beer for indiscriminant drinkers everywhere who want people to think they're discriminant. It's a shame, because New Castle reall is a good beer. But half the time I see someone drinking it, they simply order it by default; making the practice no more different than ordering any other mainstream American ale.

7. Heiniken - "I enjoy the taste of ice cold, imported piss. Won't you let me buy you a drink?"

8. Fruit Flavored Beers - Apricot Ales, blueberry, cherry, and raspberry rails; even the cherished pumpkin brew. These beers are strictly for females. Hot females, but females nonetheless. Be familiar with them, but it's not something you want to bring to the next poker game.

9. Here you'll find a list of beers that are in no specific order. They're good beers (in my highly prejudiced, oft scrutinized opinion) for a varying number of resons, which means if you're drinking them you're probably going to have to open your yapper before I publicly declare you an insufferable boor. Killian's Irish Red, Stella Artois, Anchor Steam, Yeungling, Pacifico, and depending on what you've had for dinner; Guiness or Harp. *We don't have a tip jar.

Posted by: shank at 06:41 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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