An old man sits at a large oak desk. A roaring fire blazes away, drying his greatcoat which hangs nearby. His mind is focused on a portrait hanging over the fireplace. He glances around the room, his eyes falling on other portraits that hang against the dark wood paneling. He takes a sip of brandy and his thoughts return to his letter.

Working by candle light he dips his quill and in magnificent script signs his name on the bottom of the thick heavy parchment. After blotting his work, he folds the letter, places it in a large envelope and drips the aromatic wax across the fold. Finding his large seal, he firmly stamps his crest into the wax. Knowing that the letter may take months to arrive at its destination, he sighs and rings for his valet to hasten it to post.

###

And here I sit with a little plastic machine, almost instantly receiving hate mail from cowardly little pricks who canÂ’t spell.

The contrast is depressing.

###

The above post was written a few years ago on my first blog. In fact, it was one of the first things IÂ’d ever posted. It was then and continues to be a pretty accurate portrayal of my feelings. I found this yesterday whilst going over some of my stuff and decided to write a short story around it. IÂ’m giving myself until Friday, so long as things donÂ’t get too crazy.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:08 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I rarely link.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:22 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I wanted to write a post about how much I hate sports bars but I just canÂ’t do it justice. The passionÂ’s not strong enough, and I think itÂ’s because these things are so damned innocuous that people no longer realize theyÂ’re in a sports bar.

As far as I’m concerned they’re cookie-cutter, stereotype shitholes with lousy menus and too many televisions. For some reason most of them have green décor—why I don’t know. Do sports fans only eat chicken wings? Do sports fans have to completely lower their standards of cuisine?

Most sports bars are basically open from lunch to sometime after midnight. There are not enough sports on during that time to fill the slots. ThatÂ’s why half the time their showing goddamned curling.

Hell, I donÂ’t know, maybe itÂ’s just me. I like the NFL. Sixteen games and youÂ’re done with it. But Jesus Christ flipping flapjacks, some people watch the NBA, NCAA basketball, baseball (the all-time most boring spectator sport the world has ever known), hockey, golf, tennis and who knows what else.

Whose life is that empty that they need to completely fill it up with the accomplishments, drama and competition of other people? Because IÂ’m here to tell you, keeping up with all that shit is a full time job. And thatÂ’s not even counting the shit they call sports thatÂ’s not really sports. The stuff that takes no athletic ability like poker and darts. Sports? You must be shittinÂ’ me.

My God, I hate sports bars.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:16 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Just once I’d love to hear the chairman say, “And tonight’s secret ingredient is…salt!”

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:54 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s been more than a week now and I have not smoked. One thing nobody told me is that when you stop smoking, you lose the ability to poop. Well, IÂ’m here to tell you, if you stop smoking you will stop pooping.

My other addiction is still raging out of control. iTunes. I canÂ’t stop downloading songs. It always starts off innocently enough. I just listen to the 30 second sample. But, shit, to me, thatÂ’s like snorting heroin. ItÂ’s not enough to keep the buzz going. I need the full-on injection.

I find myself reliving my youth through iTunes. I seek out various obscure songs from my youth that invoke memories. Album sides that I used to make out to. Songs I was embarrassed to listen to even way back then.

IÂ’ve been downloading songs from iTunes for a long time. Hell, I didnÂ’t even have an iPod when I started downloading. I remember the day someone first told me about it.

“You can kill hours there, man, just listening to 30 second clips of songs you haven’t heard in years.”

And it was true. By day three I was downloading songs and burning CDs the old fashioned way. It wasn’t long before I just gave up and bought the iPod. And now there’s no stopping it. I “need” the songs. I’m a musician and a music snob so I really go the extra mile to seek out remastered stuff—from classical and Jazz to The Pixies.

There ought to be some kind of twelve step program for this shit.

I guess we're all addicted to something.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:14 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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The day after Thanksgiving I was talking to my wife about the marathon day we put in at her parents house. We brought some good friends with us.

“Do you think Phil and Diane had a good time?” my wife asked.

“In general.”

“What do you mean, ‘In general.’”

“There was a small incident. Nothing big.”

“What incident?” she asked.

“Well, your old man was spitting all over Phil.”

“Spitting? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“He had Phil cornered, up against the kitchen counter. Your old man had a mouthful of food and he was talking with his mouth full. Actually, he was screaming with his mouth full. I literally saw pieces of food flying from his mouth.”

“Are you kidding me?” She was horrified.

“No, I’m not kidding. I saw food flying from his mouth and landing on Phil’s shirt. And it was no brief encounter. He was all excited about something and it seemed to be going on for a long time. You know how he gets excited.”

“I can’t believe this—“

“I’m not done. So Phil’s backed up to the counter and he’s got no place to turn and the old man’s getting closer and closer…it was hard to watch, and Phil was kind of cringing and turning his head trying to avoid the barrage—”

“What did you do?” She was pissed.

“What did I do? I didn’t do anything. What was I supposed to do?”

“You should have told him not to talk with his mouthful! You could have told him to give the guy some air. You could have gotten in the middle or walked Phil away! How the hell could you let this happen? NOW I’M FUCKING MORTIFIED! HOW COULD YOU STAND THERE AND JUST DO NOTHING?

“He’s your old man! I have to show some respect…”

“You know what? You’re like one of those Nazis who said they were only following orders.”

“I don’t think that particular analogy fits—“

“Oh, be quiet. I have to call and apologize before these people think we’re savages!”

###

Truthfully, would any of you have tried to intervene?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:49 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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I never, ever do this shit so don't give me any crap. And you know you want to do this one.

You scored as James Bond, Agent 007. James Bond is MI6's best agent, a suave, sophisticated super spy with charm, cunning, and a license's to kill. He doesn't care about rules or regulations and somewhat amoral. He does care about saving humanity though, as well as the beautiful women who fill his world. Bond has expensive tastes, a wide knowledge of many subjects, and his usually armed with a clever gadget and an appropriate one-liner. James Bond, Agent 007 100% William Wallace 79% Neo, the "One" 79% Maximus 75% El Zorro 75% Captain Jack Sparrow 67% Lara Croft 63% Indiana Jones 58% Batman, the Dark Knight 54% The Terminator 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 46% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:14 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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If I think I can fart in a car or meeting and get away with it, I will. And I will deny culpability with extreme vehemence.

I wish nothing but the worst on the OptimistÂ’s Club and all itÂ’s members.

I daydream a lot.

For a slim guy, I can eat more than anyone I know.

IÂ’m overly critical of everything.

If I shake someoneÂ’s hand I canÂ’t relax until I can wash my hands again.

I hate recycling because I donÂ’t like washing my garbage before I store it for days.

I will fight for the armrest on an airplane or in a movie theater.

I often find myself in contempt of othersÂ…for no good reason.

I do not like people who play golf. And talk about it.

My sense of humor will eventually be my downfall at work.

I wish I had a ten pound ball of Silly Putty.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:08 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I partook of a small vacation recently. I have nothing to report.

Of note, perhaps, is the fact that I have read over 2,000,000 words in the past thirty days in the form of books; my only solace in times of boredom.

In my absence I noticed that my cohort, a self-proclaimed cracker, has posted a picture of himself. IÂ’m always torn by these issues. On one hand, IÂ’d love to get a look at some of you folks. On the other hand, my imagination is likely more generous than reality and I fear let down. I canÂ’t post a picture of myself for security reasons, though I often wish I could. I have little going for me aside from not being repulsive.

I pictured Shank pretty much as he is in reality, though I thought the hair would be a little darker.

If you have posted a photo of yourself please let me know where to view it. My curiosity is now killing me. The person IÂ’d really like to see a picture of is Bane. I canÂ’t quite pigeon-hole that guy.

So. Can somebody put some coffee on?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:13 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 I've got a new can of Cafe du Cracker I could open, it should take about 5 minutes, everybody load up and then we can start the meeting.

Posted by: Oorgo at November 08, 2005 11:20 AM (lM0qs)

2 I'll show you mine if you show me yours Via email of course, national security reasons here too.

Posted by: Jackie at November 08, 2005 11:38 AM (iErNK)

3 I'd be willing to bet that Bane is the spitting image of King of the Hill co-star Boomhauer.

Posted by: shank at November 08, 2005 12:37 PM (+H1yK)

4 I'm thinking heavier, dark hair. Jeans and flannel shirt.

Posted by: Paul at November 08, 2005 12:42 PM (vbP6L)

5 yeah, Bane would be a better back-up in a fight. at least, in my imagination.

Posted by: sis at November 08, 2005 12:51 PM (30vAu)

6 I bet Jennifer looks like Nancy Drew, but not so blonde. And probably a lot easier.

Posted by: shank at November 08, 2005 02:53 PM (+H1yK)

7 Jen's got pic on her site somewhere, but it's pixelated for all the wrong reasons. If you stand back far enough you can get an idea of what she looks like.

Posted by: Paul at November 08, 2005 03:16 PM (vbP6L)

8 Just got off a "vacation" myself. 23 hours of meetings in two days. So I says to myself "Self, you can either drown in your email backlog or read some blogs." 'Nuff said.

Posted by: Jim at November 10, 2005 06:05 AM (oqu5j)

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In the real world, that is, outside of blogging, I get asked for advice quite a bit. ThatÂ’s probably because I give the appearance of a stable, well adjusted person. Not that I am, but I do give the appearance. Since I fear everything IÂ’m always on red alert and that keeps me from making unwise investments, getting involved in ridiculous situations and in general, avoiding the wave of idiocy that many people canÂ’t seem to steer clear of.

Back the point. I often get asked for advice and I rarely dispense it. This makes people crazy. They think I donÂ’t want them to succeed, but thatÂ’s not the case at all. I donÂ’t give advice for two reasons.

1. ItÂ’s rarely, if ever, heeded
2. Most people donÂ’t want advice, they want someone to blame when things donÂ’t pan out

However, IÂ’m in a charitable mood today, and IÂ’ve got nothing else. Therefore, I offer the following pearls of wisdom:

1. Always sit with your back to the wall.

2. Avoid the herd mentality. If large groups of people are doing something, buying something or behaving a certain way, do the exact opposite.

3. DonÂ’t drink rum or any mixed cocktail with high sugar content for extended periods.

4. Have a sense of honor. Your word should be your bond.

5. Nobody likes a mooch.

6. Shut the fuck up. Sometimes itÂ’s best to listen.

7. If you canÂ’t afford to pay cash for something, you definitely canÂ’t afford it at 14% on your credit card.

8. Learn from the experience of others. Learning the hard way is not mandatory.

9. People will fuck you over if you let them.

10. Abusive relationships should be terminated with extreme prejudice.

11. Marriage vows should mean something. Or why bother.

12. If you donÂ’t have the correct tool, donÂ’t start the job.

13. Life is short, have some fun and donÂ’t fuck it up.

14. When driving, donÂ’t lurk in someoneÂ’s blind spot.

15. If you want something done right, be prepared to pay through the nose.

16. If youÂ’ve been getting your hair cut the same way for more than ten years, you probably look like a jackass.

17. Good friends are hard to replace. Preserve those you have.

18. Shitty friends will drag you down with them.

19. Nothing is out of your reach. DonÂ’t be afraid of success.

20. DonÂ’t tailgate others.

21. If in the course of life you make enemies, it is best to keep them near you.

22. If you are severely wronged by someone, the proper payback is at least three times the initial value in cash, pain or inconvenience.

23. Enjoy the arts. Music is good for the soul.

23. Be excellent to each other.

24. Party on dudes!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:40 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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HereÂ’s an amusing article about the search for the best vodka. ItÂ’s pretty entertaining.

Are you a fan of Absolut? HereÂ’s what the panel had to say:

“… Panel members noted its "piercing, antiseptic quality," "too-dry taste," "medium burn," and "unremarkable finish" and agreed that midshelf vodkas (again, we only tested premium brands) represented a much better value.”

Go figure. I was never a big fan.

I really enjoyed the critique of this vodka, one IÂ’ve never heard of:

“… The vodka's industrial-strength bouquet reminded one drinker of "burning tires." As for its taste, the panelists declared it "sticky-sweet," "thick," and "gluelike." "I wouldn't use it to fuel my lawn mower," one taster said, bringing the discussion to an end.”

IÂ’ve always wanted to do taste test like this but my friends, as rule, are hard to control when surrounded by a large number of full liquor bottles. ItÂ’s not that theyÂ’re wild Indians or anything, but maintaining order during a structured event that involves shots seems highly unlikely.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:40 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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