May 06, 2008
I present it to you here in the style of a video game walkthrough. If you're not familiar with the genre, you're a geriatric or a Luddite, or both.
Now, what follows may not be funny if you've never seen the show. I'm also willing to take the risk that it may not be funny regardless; but I don't care. Hell's Kitchen - Sweet Sixteen Birthday party
Christina has just escaped being sent home, and there's no love lost between the rest of the girls and her. For some reason, maybe because she's a dumbass; she decides that since she's the one who's been put up to be sent home the most, she's somehow better than everyone else.
The guys are acting clickish. Ugly McStupidface (Matt) thinks Ben is hiding behind Barry, the black guy. Everyone else thinks Ugly McStupidface is stupid. And ugly.
THE CHALLENGE
Teams are sent to the store, where they come up with a menu, purchase their ingredients, and then get 45 minutes in the kitchen to cook one appetizer and two entrees.
The chicks, assuming that the party-goers will want flashy stuff; pick out an exotic, gourmet menu. The guys, assuming teenagers are dumbasses who wouldn't know haute cuisine if they found it hanging from their wallet chains, try to stick to more common tastes with a little bit of flare. And they also take turns seeing who can ignore Matt the most. It was funny, he kept saying things and it was like his ugly stupid face wasn't even there.
Everyone makes their dishes, and right before Chef begins tasting, he asks if anyone has been to a sweet sixteen Birthday party. Ugly McStupidface raises his hand, and Chef asks him if he thinks the menu is representative of the occasion. In reply, Ugly Mcstupidface shakes his ugly stupid head, makes that ugly stupid face, and says 'No.' The guys team is gobsmacked.
The chicks app is a Tuscan shrimp scampi, while the dudes serve up a stuffed chicken wing. The birthday girl, being a total dumbass, has never had shrimp before and decides the whole dish is too weird for her. She chooses the dudes' stuffed wing. Cut to Rosann saying something in her thick, nearly unintelligible Brooklyn accent about "whoeva neva had shrimp byes the time they was sixteen!?"
The chicks first entree is a Caribbean halibut w/mango avocado salsa; while the guys offer a sweet potato mash w/sauteed asparagus and a sauteed shrimp. The brainless adolescent chooses the fish because she hasn't warmed up to shrimp in the last five minutes; and she doesn't like asparagus.
The last entree for the ladies is a flatiron grilled flank steak w/ homemade pomegranate sauce; and the guys' final entry is a 'sassy' grilled filet mignon. Buffy pushes the pom seeds around her plate wondering aloud what they are; while the rest of us wonder aloud what kind of dude calls his steak fucking 'sassy'. The girl chooses the filet, and the boys win the challenge.
REWARD, PUNISHMENT, FILLER
The guys get to go ride go carts and eat expensive junk food all day. The girls have to decorate the restraunt for the party with this total over-the-top flamer. After he says the word 'sparkalicious', the women decide they'd like to sautee his brain with some fava beans and a nice chiaaaanti. Then the mom comes in, and starts saying everything is all wrong. The women begin plotting a side dish.
Later that night, Cory decides to try her whore strategy on Louross. You know, the one where she gets in the hot tub and acts like a whore, strategically. Louross doesn't take the bait; leaving us wondering if he's smart, gay, or both.
During prep, Ben makes fun of Shayla's mango/avocado salsa; because she's so specific about how it has to be made, when it's really just a simple garnish. Everyone thinks she's being a total herb about fucking guacamole with fruit in it.
SERVICE
The guys start off service better than the chicks. Chef compliments the guys, and gets pissed with Christina.
Then all hell breaks loose. Matt, I mean Ugly McStupidface, overcooks the mother's entree; serving her dried up halibut. The birthday girl cuts open her medium-well filet mignon to find that Rosann actually thinks she'd like medium-rare better. Both plates come back to the kitchen, where Chef does his diaper dance and screams at the lot of them in front of the customers and god and everybody.
Chef, true to his style, diplomatically suggests that Rosann fuck off; and he cooks the teenager's beef himself. Matt then prepares raw fish this time for the mother, his teammates berate him, and Bobby takes over the fish station because he is tired of losing. Matt treats us all to another ugly stupid face.
Chef yells at Shayna for being slow, then yells at Bobby for cooking the fish, then yells at Ugly McStupidface for hiding behind Bobby. Matt insists he's not hiding, but no one can get past that godawful ugly stupid face he's making.
Dinner service is completed, and comment cards decide the winner. Of the mens' customers, 98% said they would return; of the womens' - 99%. Chef says that he can't pick a losing team with that small of a margin. Ugly McStupidface opens his ugly stupid mouth and says "Thank you for your generosity Chef!" like a bronze medal winner at the Special Olympics. Chef promptly replies "Fuck your generosity", and tells each team to go back and pick someone to be sent home.
THE CONCLUSION
Before the men have even left the kitchen, Ugly McStupidface tells the guys he already knows they're going to put him up; and flounces off to pack his ugly stupid suitcase.
The girls go back and deliberate, while the guys sit around the table smoking, drinking, and laughing their asses off at what a fucktard Matt is.
When selection time comes, the men nominate Matt. Chef says that's a good nomination, and he can't imagine anything worse than fucking up the mother's entree - except for fucking up the birthday girl's entree; at which point he turns to the ladies, and they nominate - Shayna. Chef shakes his head. When Shayna walks up, Chef says "Who would you send home, personally." Shayna says Rosann; Chef pulls all three of them out.
When Chef needles Ugly McStupidface about hiding behind Barry, he gets all pissed and says that he's not doing the hiding, Ben is. Matt says he was bullied off his station and not allowed back on, Chef says he's got to be at least 250 lbs, a guy his size couldn't be pushed off anything. Ugly McStupidface continues to argue the point back and forth with Chef; who, I guess in a fit of rage from having to look at his ugly stupid face shouts (and I shit you not) "Louross has a bigger dick than you!" End of argument. Even though the stupid Time Warner DVR refused to work tonight, something tells me you'll be able to find this clip online within a few hours, if not already. It was classic.
Chef then turns to the girls, yammers at them for a minute, and makes his decision. He tells Shayna that she's a good solid cook, but that she's too slow; and sends her home. He then sends Rosann AND Ugly McStupidface back to the girls team. The chicks are not enthused about the new addition to their team, and in the closing snippet, Matt makes one last ugly stupid face into the camera and says that he can't wait to watch the guys fall apart without him.
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