November 02, 2006

Watch Your P's and Q's

So I was wading through the detritus at CNN.com and found this snippet. The police chief in this small town was trying to tell his boys in blue that he'd like for them to shape up a little. He even gave a list of practical reasons for a healthy regimen of diet and exercise.

Apparently someone's feelings were hurt. Evidently the term 'jelly belly' hjas some serious cultural connotations, and using such an epithet got the chief booted.

To me it doesn't seem like the guy said anything too pointy; but maybe I'm too insensitive. I could be wrong here, but I see the police force structured in a similar fashion as the military. When the chief says "Gimme twenny!", you do it. You don't start whining about how the chief made you feel insecure about your weight. Mostly because that would make you a big fat pussy.

If you ask me, there must've been some preexisting issues in the department; and the disenfranchised parties saw this as an opportunity to remove an irritant.

~

And then there was this poor bastard at a Planet Fitness gym in another podunk town. His membership was revoked and he was escorted out of the facility. For what? For grunting.

Apparently grunting is overly intimidating and judgemental behavior, even if you are squatting 500lbs. Now, in every gym I've ever been to I've heard grunting; as well as all manner of macho posturing. I never saw it as intimidating though, I mostly found it intensely funny. Trying like hell to stifle my laughter for fear that they would drive me into the ground with their bare fists like some kind of human tent stake.

But seriously, people grunt when they're taking a shit. It seems only reasonable to expect a gym to have a couple grunters inside.

~

Can you believe this kind of shit happens, let alone makes the papers? I can see tomorrow's headline: "Little Johnny escorted to principal's office for throwing dirt on playground."


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September 18, 2006

Are Musicians Stupid?

Last year the Dixie Chicks sent their radio play and CD sales into the shitter because they couldnÂ’t just shut up and play music. Pearl Jam did the same thing, whining about politics at concerts. And now Roger Waters of Pink Floyd has decided to paint the ass of his giant pink pig with anti Bush/Blair stuff at concerts and even takes it a step further but I canÂ’t bear to sort through it.

Yeah, we all need political advice from someone that has ingested more hallucinogens than Carlos Castaneda. On another note, why are there no fast Pink Floyd songs?

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September 17, 2006

Enraged Again, Naturally

Somehow I got a trial subscription to Rolling Stone magazine. First issue I received had Justin Timberlake on the cover wearing a wet T-shit. Inside under album reviews, Paris HiltonÂ’s album was given three starts.

Jesus wept.

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September 07, 2006

More hope for popular music

My cohort has alerted me to the news that Bob DylanÂ’s new album is currently number one.

Being perfectly frank, I can only handle Dylan in very small doses. I like Desire, Blood on the Tracks, and Blonde on Blonde, but I canÂ’t really listen to more than three Dylan songs in a row. And that could last me more than a year. But IÂ’ve got a lot of respect for his songwriting which is brilliant.

I hear heÂ’s got a show on satellite radio now, though I canÂ’t imagine it. I havenÂ’t heard the guy speak in years, but the last time I did I couldnÂ’t understand a word he said. ThatÂ’s not an exaggeration; I mean I literally couldnÂ’t understand a single syllable. Might as well have been Klingon or Laotian.

Regardless, he’s got a number one album and I’ve reached the point where any album not recorded by a boy band or lip synching strumpet is a triumph. I have no use for house, techno, hip, hop or anything recorded by people who have gone to the “Creed” school of moan rock. I am old and jaded and I remember the days when people actually wrote their own songs. I remember the days when you put on an album and listened to the whole thing because it was good. The order of songs on an album was a big deal.

ThatÂ’s no longer true because the music industry cultivates only the most processed shite and gang rap. There you have it, two choices; completely emasculating or violence inducing.

I take this Dylan thing as a sign, especially after the old bastard starting spouting off about how all music these days is crap. He may be unintelligible but heÂ’s no dumbass.

I need to dig out my copy of Almost Famous tonight.

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September 06, 2006

Teach Your Children Well

Seventy-five “leading scholars and professors” have gone off the deep end. They claim that 9/11 was an inside job to justify overtaking the muslim world.

Laugh if you like. I did at first, before I became enraged.

"We challenge this official conspiracy theory and, by God, we're going to get to the bottom of this."

IÂ’d like to get to the bottom of a few things myself. Like finding out which universities in particular harbor these half-wits under the umbrella of tenure. I wish J. Edgar were still alive, because when he wasnÂ’t wearing womenÂ’s clothes, he was all over shit like this.

IÂ’m a big fan of Hoovers. He engaged in blackmailing notable public figures and other effective means of dealing with the unsavory elements.

Hoover habitually fired FBI agents, either randomly or by singling out those who "looked stupid like truck drivers" or had "pointy heads." (wikipedia)

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September 03, 2006

Is my dream coming true?

What do these three things have in common?

Brit Rockers Attack Timberlake
MTV Awards Suffer Big Hit in Ratings
Banksy targets Paris Hilton

Could it be that people have finally had enough shit thrown at them? I know that the masses haven’t wised up—it would be absurd to think people finally woke up with some taste and intelligence. And the stepford factor runs deep; there’s no way to deprogram everyone. But at least there are signs of hope.

I have no idea who this British band is bashing Timberlake but they have my support and best wishes. If more people spoke up and called a spade a spade we wouldn’t be so tolerant of this type of shite. And that’s exactly what it is. Remember people, we once overthrew disco in a coup d'état started by the common man. Do you have to be kicked in the head by a mule to realize that this guy is to music what Sherwin-Williams is to art?

The fact that MTV lost 28% over last years ratings on the awards was also encouraging. ItÂ’s all become tiresome.

And last but not least, some idiot “artist” smuggled 500 doctored copies of Paris Hilton’s album into music stores throughout the UK where they are being sold without the shops knowledge. In place of her shitty music is a basic rhythm track with wacky sound bites of her stupidity dubbed over it and all the photos have been ‘shopped to replace her head with her dog's, etc. The track listing on the back has been replaced with questions like, “Why am I famous?,” “What have I done?” and the classic, “What am I for?”

Momentum. WeÂ’re gaining momentum.

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August 28, 2006

Who killed Tower Records?

Tower Records has filed for bankruptcy and some people seem to get it:

“The collapse of Tower is a sign of the evolution of music," said Phil Leigh, senior analyst at Inside Digital Media, a market research firm. It's pretty clear that recorded music is going to Internet distribution and right behind it will be video entertainment."

CD sales fell 6% last year while digital music downloads increased 188%. But some people still have their heads in the sand.

Like this guy, who, apparently, gets paid for his opinion:

"The transition to digital music has not happened by any stretch of the imagination," Card saidÂ…

Â…"If I want to buy something cheap or try a new band, maybe I'll go for the cheapest which is digital, but all else being equal I'd rather have the physical product, and I'll pay a few dollars extra for it."

Really? I havenÂ’t been in a conventional music store in two years and I buy LOTS of music. In fact I took an informal poll of my friends this morning and out of ten people not one of them had bought a hard copy of a CD through a conventional music store in the last year. Two people said that theyÂ’d ordered from Amazon, a few discs that were hard to come by, but most people simply downloaded what they wanted.

But a walk-in, brick and mortar music store? Unless youÂ’re looking for the crap that is floating around on the Billboard top 100 youÂ’re not going to find it. Inventory=bad, sales=good. That's how business works. DonÂ’t get me started on inventory turns.

I donÂ’t know if this guy is completely out of touch or if heÂ’s just trying to spin this, but he continues with another, even more moronic statement:

"A store is a place where you can show things, make an entertainment experience. I believe music retail can make it if someone can put together a one-two punch with digital stores and physical products. For example, you could buy an album online and pick it up in the store."

I donÂ’t think IÂ’ve laughed this hard in a long time. Someone should probably tell him that EisenhowerÂ’s no longer in office.

Yes, the quality of music in general has not helped the business. It sucks, and record execs have put the gun in their own mouths. And yes, other forms of entertainment may have taken a bit away from music sales, but anyone who believes that digital music is not about to completely eclipse CDs probably still has some 8-tracks lying around.

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July 19, 2006

8-yr-Olds Have Talent

So this frickin 8-yr old girl just blew up a Steinway. Blew that fucker up. Here I am , trying to enjoy a plate of nachos and some mindless, bullshit reality TV; and this wonder walks on stage and shatters the competition. She literally has more talent in her fingertips than the rest of the competition put together. I mean, I watch this show because I think it's funny what kind of panhandling, unoriginal, freakish bullshit passes for talent in this country and this girl shows up.

She should win. She may not, but she should.

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July 10, 2006

Let the Record Show...

...That soccer players are just as rowdy as the fans. Even the French ones, mind you.

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July 04, 2006

Independence Day

Happy birthday America!

I hope you're all out there on the beach or barbecuing or shooting off those illegal fireworks. I love this country, and my family's shed blood on this land to ensure that it was not only ours, but free. As much as some of the people who live here annoy me, I wouldn't ever let my homeland leave my heart.

Further, to read words in this regard makes me want to dig out my grandfather's old hunting boots and go stomping a mudhole in someone's ass. Some people take everything for granted; to such an insane extent that as they curse their own nation, they don't realize that the great thing about their nation is that they're allowed to curse it in public.

To those little twats, I say: Pack your crap up and move. If you want to dish the poop out on my country on a day like today (or any damn day for that matter); then take your ass somewhere else that you think is better. Not only will you never find such a place; but when you come back, we all get to rochambeau you. Hey, them's the rules.

BRB, I gotta go 'slpode some stuff.

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June 23, 2006

Is it any wonder?

The reason that a lot of Europeans think little of Americans isnÂ’t always based on politics. Sometimes the truth hurts a little. When you consider the fact that most Americans who travel to Europe are stupid fat people expecting everyone to speak English and have early bird specials at all the restaurants itÂ’s really no wonder at all. Go to the mall and look around this weekend. Then imagine shipping them off to represent you in Europe or anywhere else and tell me youÂ’re not a little apprehensive. Sorry, folks, donÂ’t shoot the messenger.

Take a look at this jackass.

He checked into a hotel in Germany for the WC and after the game he couldnÂ’t find his hotel. He wandered around for six hours aimlessly with no hope. He didnÂ’t know the name of his hotel or anything else except it was near a park and a Mercedes dealership. Do you know how many Mercedes dealerships are in Germany?

By three in the morning he went to the cops and pleaded for help and they drove him around like a child for two hours looking for his hotel in city of 500,000.

Idiot.

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June 13, 2006

Long Distance Phone Call

If I could blog this good, I'd have a 'Beer Fund' tipping jar too. 50 trackbacks? When my ego has a wet dream it doesn't get that good. Some really wasted dude in Iowa is at a bar right now, telling all his friends about how he made beer money on the internet. So at least I know it's possible.

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June 12, 2006

You Know What They Say About Free Advice...

Well, another hurricane season is upon us; and with it no doubt will come all the frantic insanity and sensationalist hyperbole we should all expect from the media. Take Alberto, the storm's practically a flash in the pan and Drudge pulled out his flashing siren for it. I can fart harder than 70 mph; but I digress. Having lived in several hurricane-prone areas, and seen the extremes at both ends of the spectrum; I thought maybe I might have something to offer. As it turns out (and you may have guessed) I don't; so I asked Paul to add something to the post that might have merit. If you can tell who wrote which peices of advice, I'll send you a special gift in the mail; free of charge of course.

more...

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News Roundup (new feature!)

Gut Busting
A guy ate 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes this weekend. No mention of if heÂ’ll need to use blasting caps to take a dump in the coming days. I just donÂ’t get it.

Sports
In soccer news, Persia got their asses kicked. I think they threw it. That skid mark of a president kept threatening to attend the games like Hitler at the 1936 Olympics. The big difference is that this guy likes to stir the pot at every opportunity and Hitler was less arm waving and more action. Give it time, I guess. This guy’s obviously a big fan of Der Führer and he needs to get whacked.

Terror
Al Qaeda in Iraq announced ZarqawiÂ’s successor as if were a posting in the WSJ. I donÂ’t know about you, but if I headed a terrorist organization I wouldnÂ’t be announcing or posting promotions and roster changes. It just seemsÂ…like the stupidest thing I could ever imagine. If the guy exists at all and if heÂ’s not a red herring.

Obits
The guy who wrote (I think) the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey is dead. He did for kettle drums what Einstein did for physics.

Opinion
IÂ’m having new flooring installed at the house and itÂ’s been a goat-hump from the get-go. The thing I really donÂ’t understand is why these people canÂ’t just show up at the time they say they will? Is it really so hard?

When they do show up one of them stays on his cell phone the whole time, often disappearing for hours and the other guy doesnÂ’t speak English. Or Spanish, German or French. I have no idea what it was but I couldnÂ’t fucking parlay no matter how hard I tried. Am I expected to know Albanian or Serbo-Croatian or whatever it was? Meanwhile the workÂ’s not getting done and IÂ’m getting antsy and this bastard goes around my house fucking whistling all day. Literally. And I donÂ’t want them using my toilet anymore.

Not much of a post, I know. Spare me the critique.

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April 28, 2006

Like a lead balloon

May 1 protest aims to "close" cities

"There will be 2 to 3 million people hitting the streets in Los Angeles alone. We're going to close down Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Tucson, Phoenix, Fresno," said Jorge Rodriguez, a union official who helped organize earlier rallies credited with rattling Congress as it debates the issue.”

So basically, a large group of people who are here illegally are going to threaten us. Great strategy, huh? I donÂ’t respond to threats well. I donÂ’t know anyone who does.

One of my grandfathers came to this country from Europe with very little. He did it the legal way; waited, applied, got the paperwork, etc. When he got here he immediately went to work at General Motors and attended night school to learn English. When he finally became a US citizen he was the proudest man alive. He worked at that job until the day he dropped dead. He never used a government agency for anything, he was too proud.

Meanwhile, a group of haughty thugs run across the border and start making demands. Hanging the American flag upside down, under an American flag. Now they’re going to “teach us a lesson” by shutting down cities. I guess this is why the third world nations are so fucked up, because of this mentality.

If you read that paragraph I quoted you’ll also see the words “union official.” Go figure.

Apparently IÂ’m not the only one who feels this way:

"It's intimidation when a million people march down main streets in our major cities under the Mexican flag," said Jim Gilchrist, founder of the Minuteman volunteer border patrol group. "This will backfire," he said.”

And the best part about this whole unbelievable fiasco? The California State Senate has given them their blessing.

IÂ’m a middle of the road kind of guy, but this really pushes my buttons. This IS why the third world countries are so fucked up. This mentality is a fucking sickness.

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March 30, 2006

I rarely indulge, but in this caseÂ…

Borders, Waldenbooks Won't Carry Magazine

Borders and Waldenbooks stores will not stock the April-May issue of Free Inquiry magazine because it contains cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad that provoked rioting, burning, et. al.

HereÂ’s the good part:

"We absolutely respect our customers' right to choose what they wish to read and buy and we support the First Amendment," Bingham said. "And we absolutely support the rights of Free Inquiry to publish the cartoons. We've just chosen not to carry this particular issue in our stores."

That’s like a country club saying, “We totally believe in equality and human rights, and that’s why we’re happy to invite Blacks, Indians, Hispanics and Catholics to join. We’ve just chosen not to let the Jews in.”

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March 22, 2006

American Idol

I mean, it was inevitable that I would write an American Idol post. I got pretty drunk last night, bombed actually, and decided that American Idol was a good way to spend my time. It wasn't as increidbly gay as I thought it would be, but understand, that's how drunk I was. I wouldn't recommend trying this without supervision; the old lady was home and wasn't nearly as plastered as I was.

First, the judges. Randy is a sycophantic jerkoff. That guy tells everyone "It's not the best song you've sung, but I like it." What a limp noodle that guy is. Paula is just like Randy, but with smaller tits. A big ol' bag of clapping, head-nodding idiocy. Simon. I like Simon, much like myself he's almost always right. And, much like myself, he could probably stand to be less of a dick to absolutely everyone in the world. Guy needs to tone it down a few notches. Seacrest needs to be lit on fire during the season finale. I can't believe Simon's never jumped over the table and throttled that guy. He's such a corny, limp-wristed, plastic geek. I mean, they might as well just have a cardboard cutout of Ben Stein interviewing these people.

Mandisa - Despite her unfortunate name (which sounds like something one might call a crossdresser) and the unfortunate shape of her body, she's got awesome talent. And don't get me wrong about her body, I'm not saying she's too fat to win, I'm just saying her shape is odd. It's like one size above the waist, and a totally other size below. How does this chick find clothes? Anyways.

Bucky - What a fucking reject this guy is. Why are you even on the show? He's up there, singing like he's got a handful of marbles in his mouth and just in general looking like a complete tool. His hair is horrible too. Like I can't fucking tell you dye the shit when you've got Walter Matthau's eyebrows reincarnated on your forehead there.

Paris - This chick has style for miles.That's all I have written down on my notes. The word style over and over again. Must've been getting pretty wasted by this time. She did pull this 'Aw shucks' routine while talking to Seacrest (that insufferable side-alley glory hole) that I totally didn't believe. I think that's the chick whose family is in the biz, so I doubt she's one of these types who shufffles her feet and stares at the dirt.

Chris - You almost made me hate Johnny Cash, then I remembered it wasn't his fault you were encouraged to completely mutilate the song that would become his mantra. You're a fucking dick for singing 'Walk the Line' like some kind of Vegas lounge lizard. I hope Cash haunts your nightmares. If you want to sing like some soulless idiot, I'm sure Limp Bizkit could use a new frontman, or your local college band is scouting for some groupies to tour with. Unbelieveable man.

Catherine - Wow. This chick, besides being finer than frog's hair, can sing like only a couple other ladies on the show. She smolders like a smelt pot at a die-casting plant, and sings with real feeling. Granted, I think she missed a note in there somewhere, but it's not too often someone does justice to such a song.

Taylor - I love me a whiskey tenor. Besides the fact that this dude is old enough to have fathered the rest of the contestants and is still a contender, is the fact that he's got one of those rare gravelly tones that's still even. It's a difficult voice to sing with, and I'm not surprised he's so much older - probably took him that long to get it right.

Lisa - What a cornball this chick is. She's not unique, nor does she have any real outstanding appeal. I mean, she's up there obviously trying to be sexy, but it just looks like some highschool kid imitating Christina Aguilera or any of the other million pop princesses out there. Besides, she's oversinging the shit out of the song, and would be better singing show tunes.

Kevin - When this kid walked out, I had pretty much decided that I wasn't going to like him. I mean, he's dorky looking, young, starry eyed; and that shit is just the slippery slope to another one of these "Oh man, I never thought I'd make it to Hawllywood!" types. But he fucking nailed it. He could have so easily been corny and hokey, but he fucking nailed it. I was assuming he'd get out there and absolutely belt this tune out; loud long chords, just murdering the song. But his delivery was smooth and his own. Great. Now we just need to get him laid.

Elliot - Looks retarded. He's wearing a 'Striped Shirt!', untucked of course, a big fucking dorky yellow tie, and faded jeans. How obnoxious, he's dressed like Carrot Top or some shit. Where your props at dickface? Anyways, and he sings like a douche too. Barry Manilow even tried to coach you into not mauling the melody, but you went out there and rode the thing all over the stage. I can't believe Simon gave you the thumbs up, if I was there, I'd be throwing shit at the stage.

Kelly - I love the chick's backstory, very authentic; but she didn't sing the blues well. I don't know if she wasn't feeling it, or just didn't tap herself, but she's out here singing this blues song and I fell like I'm watching the Mickey Mouse Club or some shit. She's not dressed to sing the blues, not expressing the blues in her facial or body language. What gives girl?

Ace - Another unfortunate name. People name their pets Ace dude, I'm sorry. You have better intonation than that other long haired wanker, but you need to move from behind the mic. What are you hiding from back there dude? It's not your date man, quit trying to make out with the thing. Oh Christ. He's got sunglasses tucked into his pocket. Man, you're inside and it's nighttime. You sang well, but in the end, you looked like a bonehead. It's okay though, I'm sure your mommy still loves you.

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March 17, 2006

ItÂ’s that time again

Once a year I become so enraged over scientology that I post something. This shall be brief.

Comedy Central pulled a repeat of the South Park episode mocking scientology, purportedly after pressure from he who shall not be named who threatened Viacom, saying heÂ’d pull out of the promotions for Mission Impossible 14.

I said I would keep this brief, so hereÂ’s the fundamental issue I have:

Crazy brainwashing cult created by a shitty science fiction writer. ThatÂ’s it. The whole bushel of corn.

You’d think people would shy away from a “religion” that sprang up overnight from the mind of a shitty writer. You’d think that people might be wary about “religions” that charge exorbitant sums of money. You’d think that people would be hesitant about a “religion” where locking people in rooms is common practice.

YouÂ’d think people would just say no to a church who was FOUND GUILTY
of charges relating to infiltration of the Ontario government and 3 police forces in the 1970Â’s and fined $250,000.

YouÂ’d think a lot of things, but youÂ’d be wrong. Because people are fucking nuts.

IÂ’m done.

Best ever article on scientology, from Rolling Stone.

Short, fun article on scientology.

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OÂ’Friday

IÂ’ve never been a big fan of St. PatrickÂ’s day. Somehow, even though IÂ’m a wee bit Irish, I canÂ’t validate it as a holiday. I still have to go to work.

When I was a kid my Mom would bake Irish soda bread and weÂ’d eat corned beef and cabbage and IÂ’d hear tales of our earlier ancestors, who apparently brought nothing with them from Ireland except a foul mouth, which has become my only legacy.

“Our family came from County Cork,” my mother would say with pride, as if she could find it on a map. “Nanna used to say we were what’s known as shanty lace Irish.”

I believe that to mean that they didnÂ’t have a pot to piss in but had notions of being more respectable. Sounds eerily familiar.

IÂ’m a pretty fair genealogist and IÂ’ve found that some of my Irish forefathers were tavern keepers in the 1870s. Sample rooms, tap rooms and taverns. They couldnÂ’t have been very successful because theyÂ’re long gone now. Once on a trip back to where I grew up I went downtown to find the old addresses of a couple of these places. I wanted some photos but it didnÂ’t turn out too good. What used to be a shitty Irish neighborhood one hundred years earlier was a full-fledged ghetto now, and once the first bottle bounces off the rental car I usually take the hint.

Maybe writing this post has had an effect on me as I suddenly feel the need to have a drink. I wouldnÂ’t mind a Bushmills. Or some vanilla extract. WhoÂ’s kidding who, IÂ’d drink cough syrup right now if I could get it.

This just in:

Twenty Major is live blogging from a pub in Ireland.

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February 15, 2006

What Would Hamlet Do?

IÂ’ve never given Denmark much thought. They seem innocuous enough. I get the Scandinavian and the Low Countries mixed up. Are they the folks with the windmills? DoesnÂ’t matter. Anyway, theyÂ’ve got Saladin and his lot marching on them like the fucking Third Reich over these cartoons.

And if thatÂ’s not enough, now theyÂ’ve got Muslim agitators all over the globe stirring up more violence. It pains me to say this, but at least the hippies werenÂ’t violent. Maybe if these guys hit the hookah a little more often weÂ’d have less bellyaching from them.

I rarely post politics and I’m not starting now, but it’s painfully obvious to the sane people of the world that as a global collective we need to stop wiping the asses of these fucking extremists. Pretty soon it’s going to be “Step on a crack, break Mohammed’s back,” and they’ll be rioting and burning every time someone doesn’t say Mother, may I before they get on an eastbound freeway.

There is no reasoning with extremists.

Now maybe the rest of the world will wake up and see what’s coming down the pike in the long run—because it’s coming. Mark my words, there will be a day in the not-so-distant future where countries will be standing in line to be our allies.

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