Ancient History

First of all, who was Valentine? Nobody really knows. The Roman Catholic Church lists three St. Valentines, all of whom were martyred.

ThereÂ’s a lot of legends and I guess if I gave a shit I could list some, but for the sake of brevity letÂ’s keep the story moving. In ancient Rome, some fertility ritual or another took place around February 15th. TheyÂ’d slaughter a goat and a dog and then dip strips of their hides into the blood. ThatÂ’s when the fun began.

Then boys would run around the city slapping girls with the bloody hide in order to make them more fertile. Between that and all the drinking from lead pots itÂ’s no wonder the Roman empire collapsed, but thatÂ’s another story.

IÂ’m losing interest in this post, but if you want to have yourself a real Valentines celebration this year youÂ’re probably going to jail for animal cruelty so it may be a good idea to just stick with a card and some flowers.

Modern History

Guys purchase gaudy lingerie and give it to their girlfriends. I donÂ’t know what theyÂ’re thinking, but they do this. IÂ’ve had conversations with guys over this before and thereÂ’s no getting through to them.

“That’s a gift for you dumbass. You’re supposed get a gift for them. No ulterior motives. You know…something romantic. What you’ve got there looks like a very cheaply made undergarment for an 1870s era prostitute.”

“No way, Dude. She’s going to be into this.”

I donÂ’t know why people donÂ’t listen.

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Turns out more people watched the American Idol auditions last night than the Grammy awards.

I have little use for either show, but the GrammyÂ’s annoy the shit out of me, much like the Oscars. I canÂ’t understand AmericaÂ’s fascination with these self-indulgent bullshit festivals.

I have almost no respect for todayÂ’s music world. These hogs have been at the trough for a long goddamned time. WhereÂ’s the talent? Ah, donÂ’t even get me started.

Anyway, American Idol swept the ratings and in doing so, poked a finger in the eyes of U2, Madonna and I imagine a great many rappers and breathy boy band style crooners. I wouldnÂ’t know because I hold the whole music industry in contempt. I havenÂ’t purchased a CD or song recorded in the last five years. And I still buy a shitload of music every week.

IÂ’m absolutely thrilled that viewers would rather watch people embarrass and humiliate themselves on TV than tune in to watch more of these overblown windbags talk about how wonderful they all are as a collective.

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Is anybody surprised by this? They have the mentality of little kids.

They never really evolved from Lord of the Flies.

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Why civilization is crumbling— reason number 78,634:

Â…Today, men are buying themselves bracelets, rings and pendant necklaces with increasing frequency and wearing their bling with a confidence and flair heretofore unseen in the Western world, according to fashion experts and industry observers.
Â…

Â…"These super-masculine guys are saying, 'Jewelry's cool, and I'll show you why because I'll wear it.' So as a result, men are thinking, 'Hey, it's OK for me to wear this.' " Â…

No. No itÂ’s not. I cannot abide a man wearing a shitload of jewelry. You know how men decorate apartments? A couple of cinder blocks and a plank for a couch?

Well, that how they pick jewelry too. I draw the line at a watch. And my weddinÂ’ ring.

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“Larry, stop pointin' that fuckin' gun at my Dad!”

Â….Nice Guy Eddie
Reservoir Dogs (1992)

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Yesterday someone pointed out this story about a man who went missing on a Royal Caribbean cruise. Nothing strange about that really, it seems to happen once a month or so, and if I were an aspiring mobster I couldnÂ’t think of a more cost-effective, low risk method of offing someone than taking them on a cruise and going for a midnight stroll.

But it gets better. ItÂ’s now been pointed out that absinthe, an illegal drink in many countries, was being consumed by everyone involved.

First of all, letÂ’s talk about absinthe, which is all the rage these days. Absinthe is a vile tasting liquor that is illegal in America and many other locals because it contains wormwood, an herb that can cause hallucinations. Back in the day, absinthe was a favorite drink of Vincent Van Gogh, Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe and countless other artistic types.

"In large amounts it would certainly make people see strange things and behave in a strange manner," said Jad Adams, author of the book, "Hideous Absinthe: A History of the Devil in a Bottle." "It gives people different, unusual ideas which they wouldn't have had on their own accord because of its stimulative effect on the mind."

Not unlike vodka, Jägermeister, or shots of Patron Silver tequila.

“Oscar Wilde, one of many 19th-century artists and writers who enjoyed the drink, thought the floor was covered with flowers while drinking absinthe, Adams said.”

Fair enough, I suppose, but still nothing a good grain alcohol buzz couldnÂ’t conjure at freshman mixer.

Anyway, you can buy absinthe today in England and many other places, but the laws require that they limit the amount of Wormwood thatÂ’s in the stuff, so essentially, itÂ’s so pussified that itÂ’s not really even absinthe anymore. In London bars they limit you to two shots, just in case. I guess they donÂ’t want anybody pulling a Van Gogh or a Tell-Tale Heart episode.

But back to the cruise ship.

“Witnesses say Smith and his bride, Jennifer Hagel Smith, were heavily intoxicated and argued in the ship's bar the night Smith disappeared. Passengers say Smith called his wife names, and she responded by kicking him in the groin hard enough to double him over.”

It gets complicated after that, but the absinthe plays heavily into things.

"They drank the whole bottle," said Victorio Jove, a 25-year-old passenger from Mexico.”

So thereÂ’s the theory. The butler did it in the library with a bottle of shitty booze. I think itÂ’s shite, personally. Shots of yacker-meister could easily provide the same effect as this watered-down version of absinthe only it wouldnÂ’t be mysterious or newsworthy.

But back to the cruise. Today someone points me to this story about the same missing man and the same boat.

“Imagine boarding a pricey, 11-day cruise to sail around the Caribbean and into the Panama Canal only to find a small squadron of criminalists in navy-blue jump suits - "Forensic Lab" emblazoned in yellow on their backs - inching their way across a metal canopy over a stack of lifeboats. Yellow harnesses adorned their crime scene uniforms, to save them from a fall.”

Well, I hope thatÂ’s romantic enough for you. If not, hereÂ’s some more:

“Several balconies above, forensic lighting was beamed down from what had been the Smiths' stateroom in a search for latent blood and other evidence. From multiple balconies above, cruise patrons leaned over railings and took photographs of a vacation bonus that was by no means highlighted by Royal Caribbean.”

This is even better:

“Lee, wearing latex gloves, could be seen spraying a chemical that enhances the presence of bloodstains to the undersides of the stateroom balcony rail.”

I don't know what I'm getting at here, but can you imagine being a passenger on this fucking love boat of death?

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Annoying someone via the Internet is now a federal crime

It's no joke. Last Thursday, President Bush signed into law a prohibition on posting annoying Web messages or sending annoying e-mail messages without disclosing your true identity.

Â…This ridiculous prohibition, which would likely imperil much of Usenet, is buried in the so-called Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act. Criminal penalties include stiff fines and two years in prison. more...

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I rarely comment on the news because too many people do it better than me, but these really got under my skin.

U.N. Temporarily Halts Caviar Exports

GENEVA - A U.N. panel ordered a temporary halt to caviar exports by the world's major producers Tuesday, buying time for experts to find ways to reverse dwindling populations of threatened sturgeon — whose eggs provide the culinary delicacy.

This the U.N. acts on?

Iran is now refining their own yellowcake, in North Korea thereÂ’s a nutcase with at least three mid-range nukes and a haircut worse than mine, and in Africa genocide has become the new Oktoberfest. And these assholes are fucking around with beluga? What a goddamned embarrassment.

On the lighter side:

Angry passengers sue after plane delay

BERLIN (Reuters) - Six German airline passengers who said they were being held against their will on an aircraft stuck on the runway for hours during a snowstorm have filed "false imprisonment" charges, German police said Saturday.

Passengers boarded the plane at Berlin's Tegel airport at 7 a.m. Thursday, but snow and ice delayed their takeoff. At 11:30 a.m. a man named Ingo Q. called a police emergency hotline on his cell phone and said he felt as if he was being "held hostage," the tabloid Bild reported Saturday.

These people sat on the runway for seven fucking hours. I’ve been in situations similar to this and let me tell you—you are being held hostage. It’s not like flights to London are scarce. Six people sued for false imprisonment and I hope to hell they win.

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Welcome Christmas
While we stand
Heart to heart
And hand in hand

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This year's naughty level is about 40%.

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IÂ’m starting to get a lot of emails about Christmas and nary a one has been positive. Christmas stress can be high level.

Trying to live up to past holidays. The huge expense and time commitments. Facing the holidays alone, losing relatives, owning up to failed relationshipsÂ…it all adds up.

Most of my Christmases have been very good. Some were fantastic. Two of them were train wrecks beyond comprehension.
more...

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Recognize this guy? more...

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Last night I was forced to sit through an episode of AmericaÂ’s Next To Model. I was offended on so many levels.

I donÂ’t know what the hell the world has come to but IÂ’m embarrassed by it. And rather than waste my time and yours describing why I hate this show, IÂ’ll simply make a better offer.

AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber.

Instead of being hosted by some daft model (I refuse to use the term supermodel) it will be hosted by a plumber. A really successful plumber, who will give the candidates advice on winning, and on plumbing in general. You know, so AmericaÂ’s young people know what to expect as they try to realize their dream, because plumbing is a cut-throat business.

“It’s all about how you load the truck, Bobby. You need to know exactly where those fittings are. You can’t just throw 2” fittings in with the 1” fittings. It just won’t work.”

And instead of getting runway instruction from a large black man dressed like a woman and wearing a hat constructed from waxed fruit, the contestants will be given help in specific areas of plumbing application and general public courtesies. The contestants will visit a uniform consultant and will be fitted for appropriate work clothing. Butt cracks will be eliminated. Tools must be kept clean. Taking sports action from customers would be frowned upon.

Weekly competitions will vary, but may include:

Proper installation (and pronunciation) of a bidet
Changing out a residential toilet
Commercial urinal replacement
Snaking a line clogged up by tampons
Septic tank leak repair

I donÂ’t know if I could actually sell this treatment to network, but IÂ’m certain that I could sell my next idea. That entailÂ’s combining the two shows. YouÂ’d have some hot chicks learning how to install copper pipe. Tyra Banks would get to stay on as co-host. She could make sure the girls use the right kind of eye makeup and how to up-sell decorative faucets and sinks. On the flip side, weÂ’ll get a top-notch plumber that can really show these girls around a shitter. How to adjust a ball float, replacing the tank gaskets and changing-out the flapper.

IÂ’m thinking Fox would be all over this.

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1 Personally - I love it. As a plumbing supermodel myself, I would love to see some real competition in the field... It took me many years to achieve my greatness, and no one could do it overnight, but given the right "schooling" and such I think there could be some up-and-comers.

Posted by: Wendy at December 08, 2005 12:22 PM (FYcXB)

2 Must woman do everything these days that men are doing?Women are supposed to smell purdy not like a toilet or worse...septic tank.Gross! Shame on you! But they can keep the stupid Top and Super Model shows anyways....we already have enough dump,blond cheerleaders in the US. ;-)

Posted by: The Brat at December 08, 2005 12:45 PM (oqu5j)

3 I actually fucked a girl who was a plumber's apprentice when I was in college. Look, what can I say, slim pickin's. But I'll have you know this, I've never met another woman who could handle a pipe snake like her. Woo, those were the days

Posted by: shank at December 08, 2005 09:52 PM (jfEhX)

4 If the contestants were in bikinis and the "game" included some way for them to backstab each other it would be an instant hit.

Posted by: Jim at December 09, 2005 05:58 AM (oqu5j)

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Man, do I hate Ashton Kutcher.

Once in a blue moon IÂ’ll try to sit through an episode of PunkÂ’d when the remote is out of reach. I find it unbearable. How many times can they threaten to tow somebodyÂ’s car?

My dream is that someday when he comes running out at the end, grinning like a fucking idiot, the “celebrity” won’t know or care who he is and proceeds to beat the living shit out of him. I’m talking on the ground, trying to cover his face and head while somebody’s posse keeps on kicking and kicking him.

At least IÂ’m honest.

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I see thereÂ’s a fight on to come clean and call a Christmas tree a Christmas tree.

“If it's a spruce tree adorned with 10,000 lights and 5,000 ornaments displayed on the Capitol grounds in December, it's a Christmas tree and that's what it should be called, says House Speaker Dennis Hastert.”

Well said. ItÂ’s time to stop the bullshit and call it what it is.

Some of my best friends are Pagans.

Last month my five year old took part in a book parade at school. They were supposed to dress up in a costume as a character from any book. They then walked in a parade carrying the book they choose the costume from. They were to wear the costume all day, and after the parade they had a party. The date of this “parade” was October 31st.

Some years ago it was decided, by whom I donÂ’t know, that it was verboten to use the word terms Christmas tree, Christmas party, Christmas vacation, ad nausuem. I understand the premise. Not everyone is Christian. Well, it is what it is. ItÂ’s a Christmas tree. If we donÂ’t want to have Christmas trees, ban the trees not the name. Is it any less insulting by changing the name? If I were really disturbed by this, changing the name and continuing the practice would piss me off even more.

A few years ago at work I was in a meeting and someone brought up the annual Christmas party. One of the VP’s said that we could no longer call it a Christmas party. He leaned in close to me and said in a low voice, “Some people are Jewish.” It was almost a whisper. No shit? I felt like screaming, “They know they’re Jewish! What's it to you, anyway?”

I’m not Jewish but a lot of my friends are. I’ve lived in areas where Christians are a minority. My neighbors are Jewish and they love coming over at Christmas. I have two Jewish friends who have Christmas trees every year. A few years ago I was Christmas shopping in the Fairfax district in Los Angeles. People were wishing me “Happy Hanukah” left and right. Do you know what my response was? “Same to you!” If I didn’t want to be surrounded by Jewish people I wouldn’t be there.

And just for the record, I’m Godless. That doesn’t mean I want “In God we trust taken off the dollar bill.” In fact I’m pissed off that people are actually trying to do that.

IÂ’d like to know where all this over-the-top political correctness came from? Who the hell started it, and why has it been pushed this far down everyoneÂ’s throat?

Other points of view are welcome.

***Update***

HereÂ’s an article from the Boston Globe that has a few gems in it:

It's discriminatory, too. Hanukkah menorahs are never referred to as ''holiday lamps" -- not even the giant menorahs erected in Boston Common and many other public venues each year by Chabad, the Hasidic Jewish outreach movement. No one worries that calling the Muslim holy month of Ramadan by its name -- or even celebrating it officially, as the White House does with an annual ''iftaar" dinner -- might be insensitive to non-Muslims. In this tolerant and open-hearted nation, religious minorities are not expected to keep their beliefs out of sight or to squelch their traditions lest someone, somewhere, take offense.

This article centers on major retail outlets and the choices theyÂ’ve made. Seperation of church and retail. Check out the poll.

I really canÂ’t believe the war thatÂ’s going on over this. Someone is out to steal Christmas and IÂ’m not fucking having it. The only problem is, I don't like the people I'm in bed with over this thing.

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What did the pilgrims and Indians eat on the first Thanksgiving?

Much of what we consider standard Thanksgiving fare is based on supposition, conjecture and myth, but there are two first hand accounts of the first Thanksgiving that shed some light on what they really ate.

Edward Winslow's account was written in a letter dated December 12, 1621.

Our corn [i.e. wheat] did prove well, and God be praised, we had a good increase of Indian corn, and our barley indifferent good, but our peas not worth the gathering, for we feared they were too late sown. They came up very well, and blossomed, but the sun parched them in the blossom. Our harvest being gotten in, our governor sent four men on fowling, that so we might after a special manner rejoice together after we had gathered the fruit of our labors. They four in one day killed as much fowl as, with a little help beside, served the company almost a week. At which time, amongst other recreations, we exercised our arms, many of the Indians coming amongst us, and among the rest their greatest king Massasoit, with some ninety men, whom for three days we entertained and feasted, and they went out and killed five deer, which they brought to the plantation and bestowed on our governor, and upon the captain and others. And although it be not always so plentiful as it was at this time with us, yet by the goodness of God, we are so far from want that we often wish you partakers of our plenty.

The second account was written by William Bradford in his History of Plymouth Plantation. Oddly, this account was pilfered by the British during the Revolutionary war and rediscovered in 1854. This account gives us the turkey thing.

They began now to gather in the small harvest they had, and to fit up their houses and dwellings against winter, being all well recovered in health and strength and had all things in good plenty. For as some were thus employed in affairs abroad, others were exercising in fishing, about cod and bass and other fish, of which they took good store, of which every family had their portion. All the summer there was no want; and now began to come in store of fowl, as winter approached, of which this place did abound when they came first (but afterward decreased by degrees). And besides waterfowl there was great store of wild turkeys, of which they took many, besides venison, etc. Besides they had about a peck of meal a week to a person, or now since harvest, Indian corn to that proportion.

So there we have it. The pilgrims spent three days partying with 90 wild Indians. Too bad the peas didnÂ’t turn out. I plan to point out all the flaws in our meal this Thanksgiving, so if peas are served IÂ’m going to demand we throw them away.

There was probably pumpkin pudding on the first Thanksgiving, sweetened with honey and perhaps similar to pumpkin pie filling, but there would have been no crust. So when the pie comes out this year IÂ’m going to scoop out the filling and plop it on a plate and throw the crust away. If anyone tries to stop me theyÂ’ll get an earful.

Cranberries were available, but not sugar, so no cranberry sauce was on the menu. In addition to Cod, they also ate a lot of eels, so if you want to make your Thanksgiving authentic, make sure you get plenty of eels. Mmm. Eels.

There were no potatoes or sweet potatoes either. They were not native to or introduced to the area yet. And there was no ham. The pilgrims didnÂ’t have pigs with them, unless you count Bradford.

Apropos of nothing, in 1623, Winslow wrote that eagle tasted just like mutton. Just so you know.

Source

Aude sapere

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HereÂ’s a headline from AP this morning:

Wilma Roars Toward Yucatan, Southern Fla.

As of this writing, the fucking thing is wobbling around at seven MPH. Seven MPH is not roaring. ItÂ’s also nowhere near Florida, itÂ’s currently not heading towards Florida, and I suspect that these pinheads have no idea where itÂ’s going to end up.

I even have some proof.

For the past three days IÂ’ve heard and seen nothing but one forecast track, the published conglomeration of models interpreted and published by NOAA. Last nightÂ’s 5:00PM discussion, which can be found archived here, shows not only the unpredictability of hurricanes, but the ineptitude of forecasters. Witness, then, what happens when they throw their hands into the air:


“AGREEMENT AMONG THE TRACK GUIDANCE MODELS...WHICH HAD BEEN VERY GOOD OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS...HAS COMPLETELY COLLAPSED TODAY. THE 06Z RUNS OF THE GFS...GFDL...AND NOGAPS MODELS ACCELERATED WILMA RAPIDLY TOWARD NEW ENGLAND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A LARGE LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM IN THE GREAT LAKES REGION. ALL THREE OF THESE MODELS HAVE BACKED OFF OF THIS SOLUTION...WITH THE GFDL SHOWING AN EXTREME CHANGE...WITH ITS 5-DAY POSITION SHIFTING A MERE 1650 NMI FROM ITS PREVIOUS POSITION IN MAINE TO THE WESTERN TIP OF CUBA.”

Emphasis mine.

Today theyÂ’re back to the old track, most likely because they have no clue and are afraid to say so.

Wouldn’t it be better if they just were honest about it? Just once I’d like to hear them say, “Look, man, this thing’s heading west right now, but we don’t where it’s going or when it’s going to get there. Our educated guess says it hits the Yucatan on Thursday, but after that we just shake the magic eight ball.”

I bet that any one of us could predict where this thing lands with as much accuracy as the National Hurricane Center.

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"ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him."

I rarely laugh out loud.

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Drudge, who gets more pathetic with each passing day, gives us this:

MADONNA WARNS: ALL WILL GO TO HELL IF DON'T TURN FROM WICKED BEHAVIOR

Not much of a story, really. Three lines about the old trollop turned Nostradamus. He also adds, “Developing.” Yeah, you definitely want to keep your eye on that one.

Twenty seconds of my life, gone the way of the dodo.

Mofo.

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After reading this I had an inspired idea on how to improve the show Iron Chef America.

Currently, they have three judges. Two are usually food critics of some sort, and the third is usually some minor celebrity. On my version of the show, theyÂ’ll have six judges. Three will be proven food people. The other three? Hobos.

Surely they can find three hobos who can use a hundred bucks and meal. Meanwhile, the entertainment value goes up tenfold. ThereÂ’s no reason why hobos canÂ’t be food critics and just think of the potential. YouÂ’ll have some world class chefs being judged, likely harshly, by bums. Those fragile egos will be put to a serious test.

Maybe they can give the bums each a new suit of clothes, a bath and a shave so that they donÂ’t stink the place up too bad and then let them comment and fill out scorecards like the other judges. It would be interesting and probably hysterically funny to see hobos critique and articulate their views on haute cuisine. IÂ’m telling you, this would be huge, especially if they start hollering and have bad table manners.

The chefs, for theyÂ’re part, will have to satisfy both astute food industry people and the hobos.

Maybe I’m just fascinated by hobos put into close contact with “the beautiful people.” Is that wrong? I mean, it’s not like I’m calling them vagrants or anything.

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