Last night I was forced to sit through an episode of AmericaÂ’s Next To Model. I was offended on so many levels.

I donÂ’t know what the hell the world has come to but IÂ’m embarrassed by it. And rather than waste my time and yours describing why I hate this show, IÂ’ll simply make a better offer.

AmericaÂ’s Next Top Plumber.

Instead of being hosted by some daft model (I refuse to use the term supermodel) it will be hosted by a plumber. A really successful plumber, who will give the candidates advice on winning, and on plumbing in general. You know, so AmericaÂ’s young people know what to expect as they try to realize their dream, because plumbing is a cut-throat business.

“It’s all about how you load the truck, Bobby. You need to know exactly where those fittings are. You can’t just throw 2” fittings in with the 1” fittings. It just won’t work.”

And instead of getting runway instruction from a large black man dressed like a woman and wearing a hat constructed from waxed fruit, the contestants will be given help in specific areas of plumbing application and general public courtesies. The contestants will visit a uniform consultant and will be fitted for appropriate work clothing. Butt cracks will be eliminated. Tools must be kept clean. Taking sports action from customers would be frowned upon.

Weekly competitions will vary, but may include:

Proper installation (and pronunciation) of a bidet
Changing out a residential toilet
Commercial urinal replacement
Snaking a line clogged up by tampons
Septic tank leak repair

I donÂ’t know if I could actually sell this treatment to network, but IÂ’m certain that I could sell my next idea. That entailÂ’s combining the two shows. YouÂ’d have some hot chicks learning how to install copper pipe. Tyra Banks would get to stay on as co-host. She could make sure the girls use the right kind of eye makeup and how to up-sell decorative faucets and sinks. On the flip side, weÂ’ll get a top-notch plumber that can really show these girls around a shitter. How to adjust a ball float, replacing the tank gaskets and changing-out the flapper.

IÂ’m thinking Fox would be all over this.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 10:29 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 380 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Personally - I love it. As a plumbing supermodel myself, I would love to see some real competition in the field... It took me many years to achieve my greatness, and no one could do it overnight, but given the right "schooling" and such I think there could be some up-and-comers.

Posted by: Wendy at December 08, 2005 12:22 PM (FYcXB)

2 Must woman do everything these days that men are doing?Women are supposed to smell purdy not like a toilet or worse...septic tank.Gross! Shame on you! But they can keep the stupid Top and Super Model shows anyways....we already have enough dump,blond cheerleaders in the US. ;-)

Posted by: The Brat at December 08, 2005 12:45 PM (oqu5j)

3 I actually fucked a girl who was a plumber's apprentice when I was in college. Look, what can I say, slim pickin's. But I'll have you know this, I've never met another woman who could handle a pipe snake like her. Woo, those were the days

Posted by: shank at December 08, 2005 09:52 PM (jfEhX)

4 If the contestants were in bikinis and the "game" included some way for them to backstab each other it would be an instant hit.

Posted by: Jim at December 09, 2005 05:58 AM (oqu5j)

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