In a word...revenge.

Young kids do not understand the concept of conservation of energy. They go flat out until they are out of juice and then they collapse wherever they are. When they've got the flu this can happen at the drop of a hat since their little bodies are already running low on go stuff and they tend to get knocked out by the flu medicine.

Yesterday at around 5:30 Lovely Wife noticed a sudden shift in the ambient noise level. I was on the love seat making hideous Magna-Doodle drawings for Burger and she was in the dining room. She called out "Is Bacon asleep?" Sure enough he was passed out on the couch. more...

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Our household has been battling the plague flu since Christmas. On Sunday the boys and I spent a good chunk of our day passed out in the living room. I started feeling better on Monday and yesterday I actually felt pretty good. I figured I was over it and well on my way to my normal, healthy state.

Wrongo! This morning I woke up to find that somebody had snuck in while I slept and pumped about a gallon of mucous into my sinuses. Chewy mucous. That would have been bad enough but he also aparently used my head for a bass drum for a few hours and inserted a feather duster into my windpipe. more...

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The Carnival of the Vanities 2003 Finale is up at Hypocrisy and Hypotheses. It's a fairly light read this week due to so many bloggers being out and about for the holidays. Light compared to a typical Carnival anyway, it's still a monster compared to the Bestofme Symphony. For now. ;-)

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I got an email from a disgruntled reader (as opposed to my many gruntled readers) who accused me of being a homophobe and "perpetuating the stereotypes that homosexuals battle on a daily basis".

First point. Am I a homophobe? Absolutely not. I have no fear of homosexuals. I am extremely confident in my own heterosexuality so I don't have any problem with joking about that of others (or my own). It's not a reflection of fear, it's an attempt to make people laugh. And they do. Are they all homophobes? more...

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1 That was easy - I can recite most every word on that tape. Anyway - It's Eddie Murphy from Delirious. He's talking about aids and how it scary 'cause women like to hang out with their gay friends and .... (later) it's "Mr. Murphy you have Aids" "Aids!? - but I'm not a homosexual" "Sure you're not a homosexual"

Posted by: Clancy at December 31, 2003 11:16 AM (EGVPL)

2 Yup. That's the one. 3 points for Clancy!

Posted by: Jim at December 31, 2003 11:18 AM (IOwam)

3 I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that you've been accused of perpetuating stereotypes of homosexuals. *I'm* the one who's been doing that and I do not appreciate folks attributing my successes to someone else's non-efforts. SHOCKED!

Posted by: Trey Givens at January 02, 2004 09:40 PM (3GwQg)

4 I know what you mean, Trey. Some people just announce their foolishness with a bullhorn, don't they? Outrageous!

Posted by: Jim at January 03, 2004 08:17 AM (fkewd)

5 Hey Jim, I'm a gay guy and I have never thought you were homophobic. You tease some and it's on the basis of esential humanity. I wish more people were like you actually. The world would be a better place. People need to chill more and have a little fun.

Posted by: mark at February 19, 2004 11:45 AM (S8Ay0)

6 Thanks, Mark. I appreciate that. It's not just homosexuals of course. I get some flak from most of the humanity slices that I poke fun at. Since I joke about almost everybody there's always going to be somebody who gets pissed at me. I just try to take it with a grain of salt and keep plodding on. Feedback like yours sure makes it easier to keep plodding though!

Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 11:54 AM (IOwam)

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The Letter of the Day is was "R".

You need to use "R" twice to accurately describe French coverage of the U.S.-led war in Iraq.

PARIS - Reporter Alain Hertoghe's book accused the French press of not being objective in its coverage of the U.S.-led war in Iraq. His newspaper fired him.

The book, "La Guerre a Outrances" (The War of Outrages), criticizes the French reporting for continually predicting the war would end badly for the U.S.-led coalition.

"As soon as there were a couple of wounded, of dead, they were talking about Vietnam, Stalingrad," Hertoghe said.

"The French public was so carried away," he said. The journalists, he wrote in the book, "dreamed of an American defeat."

Besides war coverage in La Croix, the book examines that of the independent Le Monde, the conservative Le Figaro, the leftist Liberation and the regional daily Ouest-France, which has the largest circulation in France.

Over three weeks, the five papers carried 29 headlines condemning Saddam's dictatorship and 135 blaming Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

(Hat tip to BigWig)

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Normally the tradition is to light the fire at midnight but when you've got this much refuse to burn you've gotta start early. Go and enjoy the festivities at the special year end wrap-up of the Bonfire of the Vanities.

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In 2004, I resolve to:

1. Drink more


2. Eat more


3. Cuss more


4. Diddle both myself and others on a far less frequent basis


5. Blow more cash on gadgets and jeejaws


6. Get into massive debt


7. See #4 again


8. Develop a hair-trigger temper


9. Totally obsess over the upcoming elections


10. One more time for #4

You see, I don't hold a lot of truck with New Years Resolutions. If you need to change something, the fact that you profess it at the beginning of the year doesn't really do anything towards helping you accomplish the change. And doesn't it have some sort of "New Wave Psychic Confessional" feel to have people parading out what they think are their worst habits in need of changing? Some wierd "Resolutional" vibe?

Besides that, I like to win and the typical resolution has a distinct chance of failure. With my way, failing to keep my resolutions is actually a success for me personally. On the odd chance that I do keep one then I've succeeded in keeping a resolution. Either way, I win.

Do you have any items to get off your chest at the Resolutional?

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The scene: Driving home with Dopple-G, listening to some Christmas carols on the radio.

Dopple-G: Who's singing this one?

Me: Tammy Wynette.

Dopple-G: Really?

Me: Sounds like her

A new singer takes the next verse. It's a dreaded multi-singer carol.

Dopple-G: I hate when they do that. A song should have one singer.

Me: Unless it's a chorus.

Dopple-G: Yeah, like the Vienna Boys Choir. They rock.

Me: Or if it's meant to be a duet.

Dopple-G: Like what?

Me: That medley one...Little Drummer Boy.

Dopple-G: Little Drummer Boy isn't a medley.

Me: You know the one I mean. With Bing Crosby and whats-his-name. That gay guy, Commander Tom.

Dopple-G: That gay guy, Commander Tom?

Me: David Bowie.

Dopple-G: I know, I just never heard him described as "that gay guy, Commander Tom".

Me: But you knew exactly who I was thinking of, didn't you?

Dopple-G: Harumph.

Let it be known far and wide that from this point forward David Bowie shall forevermore be known as "That gay guy, Commander Tom". more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Not even a nibble for a blogger willing to take the Bestofme Symphony out on tour? Very well then, I'll resort to bribery. The first person to volunteer to host the Symphony will get 5 points. That's enough to put you smack dab in the middle of the Leader Board. Or for somebody already on the board to surge to the top. Point reward will decrease by one for each host after that until it gets to one point, where it will stay. Yes, that's right - you heard correctly. Every Symphony host will get at least one point. Hot damn!

There are other benefits to conducting the Symphony, though. First, the schedule of Symphonies will be in my sidebar with a link to the appropriate blogs. Second, when you actually host the Symphony you'll get massive amounts of traffic and probably pick up some new regular readers. Third, I'll name my next child after you.

Okay, so we're not having any more kids, but if we were I'd do that!

Conducting the Symphony is as painless as possible. The only requirements are:

• No censorship - If you have a problem with a post, posts, abuse of the Symphony, etc, just pass it to me for resolution.


• Post it on the scheduled Monday.


• Email me when you post it.

Pretty easy, eh? Some suggestions that have worked for me:

• For the honor spot (first link in the Symphony), find a post from a blog on your own blogroll. This is sweet for two reasons. First, it gets you looking back into the archives of blogs you already like - something that might not happen otherwise. Second, it gets great exposure for a blog that you like.


• For the closing entry (last link in the Symphony), find a post from your own blog's archives.


• Consider emailing the people who submitted entries when you've got the link for the newly posted Symphony. It helps get the word out that the Symphony is up and it gets links to the Symphony.


• Keep it simple. Yes, big is beautiful but simple is readable. You don't have to be as spartan as I am but I definitely recommend keeping it relatively clean and neat as opposed to colorful and complicated.

I'm planning on putting the Symphony on the road starting with the January 13 edition as I'll be hosting the Carnival of the Vanities that week and the two together might be a bit overwhelming. So who's up to the job? Just email me or post in the comments here if you are interested.

UPDATE: Bribery works! We've got 2 and a half volunteer conductors already. Sidebar schedule to come out some time today.

UPDATE 2: Sidebar schedule added and Leader Board updated. Who else wants some?

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LeeAnn might have the tops for wacked out searches but my humble site attracts its own share of wierdness. Here's a couple from over the holiday weekend (Paris and Joe searches excluded because they bore me now):

cruise missile stops at red light
Is that why Bill couldn't bag Osama?

look my vagina
Where? I missed it. Come back!

boner hard-on peeing
This is actually a competitive sport in remote regions of Nepal.

boy in plastic pants
You're too late! I've destroyed the film evidence.

things women hate about men
This again? If I told you once, I've told you a dozen times, it's our inability to find anything that has been moved by our evil significant others who then tell us to look past our own noses before yelling out "Where the hell is my toothbrush"! Or something like that.

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Cheese is best when properly aged so this extremely late Cheddar X should be phenomenal! more...

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1 Hooray for pizza, Breasty!

Posted by: Lawren at December 29, 2003 10:13 AM (L9mwf)

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The fourth performance of the Bestofme Symphony has 16 participants and 22 submissions. Several readers rallied to find favorites in the archives of their blog reads to make sure we had a symphony instead of an ensemble. Special thanks to Jennifer, Susie and Ilyka for their extra-blogular submissions.

Submit to the Symphony: Want to be a part of next week's edition? Check out this post for submission info.

Spread the word: Webloggers, how about a post linking to this Symphony? Participation was astounding this week, considering that overall blogging is so light over the Christmas weekend, but your continued support is what's keeping the Bestofme Symphony in concert.

Email Reminders: If you'd like to be sent a reminder about the Symphony, drop me a line at this address. It's not a mailing list, just me sending out friendly little reminders. There'll be one on Thursday or Friday to remind you to submit for the next symphony and one on Monday with a link to the freshly posted Symphony.

Without further ado, I present the fourth edition of the Bestofme Symphony: more...

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"Play Again" functionality won't work at the moment as the script is within a post. Refresh if you want to see it again.

Posted by: Jim at 08:10 AM | Comments (18) | Add Comment
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1 Don't worry about the error when trying to "Play again". That's just because the script is within a post.

Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2003 08:13 AM (fkewd)

2 Play what again? Do I need to break out my IE to see what's supposed to be in the empty space?

Posted by: Susie at December 28, 2003 09:37 AM (0+cMc)

3 yeah, I'm getting a big fat nuthin from both Mozilla and Opera and in IE it looks a little ... well how can I put this nicely ... tacky ? If I want to see the text of a site moving, fading and undulating before my very eyes I'll hit the Absinthe before I read it ;-)

Posted by: Rob at December 28, 2003 09:53 AM (3zn9b)

4 More software prejudiced against Mozilla!!! (saw it with IE)

Posted by: Susie at December 28, 2003 09:54 AM (0+cMc)

5 Hmmm... Less than sterling endorsement thus far. Where are all of my widget loving, IE using, readers?

Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2003 10:41 AM (fkewd)

6 I think it's coo'

Posted by: Jennifer at December 28, 2003 11:28 AM (68gxG)

7 Where are all of my widget loving, IE using, readers? Yo! I love it.

Posted by: ilyka at December 28, 2003 11:31 AM (Wf/A7)

8 flash?

Posted by: pylorns at December 28, 2003 12:00 PM (fD1hc)

9 I think we can safely count on a thumbs up from The Bartender and a thumb down from Pixy. Fairly close, but still slightly against. Anybody else have an opinion? Pylorns - Nope, no Flash here. It's all scripting. Smoothest transition I've ever seen out of script, that's why I liked it.

Posted by: Jim at December 28, 2003 12:42 PM (fkewd)

10 Pylorns, you're in the wrong part of town to be requesting flashes. You need to come down to my neck of the woods for that. Did NOT mean I was providing such, of course. But that old freak on the bus.....

Posted by: LeeAnn at December 28, 2003 12:55 PM (HxCeX)

11 LIKE IT!!!

Posted by: Mitzi at December 28, 2003 01:30 PM (OfYve)

12 I thinks it's cool... I've been trying to figure out where to that little thingy myself... Pixy will never see it because he uses the Mozilla Monster... since most of your readers use IE and the ones that don't like it use Mozilla and can't see it anyway, I would do it to see what it will look like. I'm interested to see how it will work.

Posted by: The Bartender at December 28, 2003 06:18 PM (Jj2gq)

13 Jim: In my skin, I think the body text is just a bit too small and the post text is unreadable at View:Smaller. When I crank up the text size, the tret in the sidebar gets too big. Just an FYI. Also I made a little bitty tweak in the site credits.

Posted by: The Bartender at December 28, 2003 09:21 PM (Jj2gq)

14 I like it!

Posted by: Sue at December 28, 2003 11:32 PM (PbT+r)

15 Methinks it's not for me after all. It's suitable for an announcement of some sort but not really for taglines. It's also pretty chunky size-wise.

Posted by: Jim at December 29, 2003 04:25 AM (fkewd)

16 I like it, but then again, I'm a geek. But I also have a question... If it's just script (and it is - I peeked under the covers) - why can't Mozilla and Opera deal with it? Or is it the style elements (that are changing) that they don't understand? Eventually, I will get my own site up. And for you 2% out there using Mozilla and Opera I have only one thing to say - I'm sorry if your cheesy browsers can't read my site.

Posted by: Clancy at December 29, 2003 11:04 AM (EGVPL)

17 I really don't know why Mozilla and Opera can't see it. Something about how they're processing (or not processing) the script, I assume. "Play Again" works now. Turns out the problem was a header declaration for target=main. Took that out and it functions correctly.

Posted by: Jim at December 29, 2003 01:42 PM (IOwam)

18 Sweet! (Got here from Venomous Kate's comments section, btw)

Posted by: Jon at December 30, 2003 11:00 AM (B9rRW)

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Get those submissions in for the Bestofme Symphony! Submissions received through midnight on Sunday (Eastern Standard Time) will be included in Monday's Symphony. Anything received after the cutoff will go into the following week's edition.

Traffic is pretty light due to the holiday and some DNS problems so the Symphony is looking a bit like an ensemble at the moment. That means I'll be even more grateful than usual for any submissions you send in.

Symphony Archives

Submission Address

Submission Guidelines & Symphony Info

Want to host a Bestofme Symphony?

Webloggers: How about some link love?

All y'all: Remember that you don't have to be the author of a post in order to submit it.

Thanks for your support!

Posted by: Jim at 11:05 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Holiday greetings go out to all of my regular readers. Heck, same for all of my readers who aren't regular. A bit of constipation is no reason to deny greetings now, is it? ;-)

It was pure unadulterated chaos here this morning but things have settled down a bit. For a couple more minutes until our shortest child (the evil one) wakes up from his nap anyway.

Here's hoping your Christmas is as happy as ours!

Posted by: Jim at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Or better yet, hurl him from a catapult.

(Credit to Dopple-Claus)

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An original composition for your enjoyment. Don't read this one to the kids:

That pole to the north is a nasty old place
Where elves take their turns sitting on Santa's face.
Mrs. Claus lays around passing her gasses
while reindeer jerk off with corn cobs in their asses.

The geese are all too scared to sit
They know if they eat they'll end up on a spit.
The turkeys, all hens, have now formed a coven
To keep their collective ass from the oven.

The angel atop the ol' Christmas tree
Performs sexual favors, of course there's a fee.
In the workshop they're making some last minute dolls
but the Barbies are mad 'cause the Kens have no balls.

The Kringle's away, in his bathroom he's toking
The Feds want to know what it is he is smoking.
Rudolph and friends might be ready to fly
But Santa got baked and is already high.

The night wears on long but no Santa appears
So the reindeer put back the corn cobs in their rears.
The elves check in and find Santa a snoozin'
They vacate their jobs and start seriously boozin'.

Will Christmas have to be cancelled then?
No presents, no tree, and no Christmas hen?
What happens when it turns out Santa don't give a fart?
Don't worry kids, there's always Wal-Mart.

(See the full post at Ho ho holy shit!)

Posted by: Jim at 10:16 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Is it just me or when you see one of those orange Asplundh trucks do the words "Ass Plunge" go through your head?

Posted by: Jim at 09:32 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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...on the Bonfire of the Vanities. The worst of the blogosphere is once again offered up for your derision. It's worth checking out for Kevin's disses though. He's getting damned good at 'em.

The bonfire is going to be raging across the blogosphere starting in January. If you're interested in hosting it then check your head for loose rocks 'cause you could be hosting the Bestofme Symphony instead.

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Winds of Change is hosting a special Christmas spirit Carnival of the Vanities. They used my very favorite format - "easy to read".

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