From the ride in today:

Burger: I see an alien!

Lovely Wife: An alien?

Burger: Yeah! An alien! It's right there.

Me: They prefer 'undocumented worker'.

Burger: Right there!

Lovely Wife: [Pointing to a vehicle a bit ahead] I think he means that 'ambulance'.

Me: [Pointing to a road crew] He's right either way.

Posted by: Jim at 12:46 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I won't say we made it through yet since it's not quite over and I don't want to tempt fate. I'll just say that the expected power loss from the ice storm hasn't happened yet. The freezing rain from Friday and Saturday is mostly gone now. It left many thousands of Georgians without power (for various lengths of time - some are still down), led to many automobile accidents and caused the closure of major highways.

But it was breathtakingly beautiful too. It encased all of the trees in a sheath of crystalline majesty. Last evening the low lights of our front porch lit these up magnificently. Unfortunately our nighttime picture taking capabilities are almost non-existent and none of the photos came out well. This morning the view was still beautiful as the crystal encrusted trees groaned under their icy burden.

(Click here if you can't see the thumbnail.)

All of the ice is melting now and it sounds like a battleground outside. Chunks of ice fall like the rat-a-tat of a machine gun. The occasional large ice block or failing tree limb is like the crack of a mortar. Our entire yard is covered with broken shards of glass as if the remnants of the world's largest crystal chandelier lay shattered and abandoned there.

(Click here if you can't see the thumbnail.)

At least with this mess we don't have to worry about the cleaning up.

Posted by: Jim at 03:59 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife and I are like anti-nerd and nerd. She's a 16 and I'm a 74. On the positive side our kids should be at least passably good in sports while still being able to figure out mathematical proofs.

Posted by: Jim at 11:04 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Blogdaughter Tiffani's got the skinny.

Posted by: Jim at 10:55 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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UPDATE: Stealth points awarded!

Timmer: 2 points for answering the original question
Elyse: 2 points for finding an error in the problem and answering correctly using that info
Victor: 1 point because he's single-handedly kept the stealth points program alive

Here's one for your enjoyment:

Bob the Sailor (a cousin of Bob the Builder, but without the little trademark thingy after his name) needed some rope. He went to Crafty McRippoff, the only boat supply shop in town.

"Hey, Crafty! I need me some rope. Argh!" he said as he entered the shop. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:52 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I love cats. They taste just like chicken.

(Click for big size.)

Grand Prize: 5 points
Our special today is pan seared tabby with cheerio confit. Would you like to start with an appetizer?
Jeff

First runner up: 3 points (selected by the world's smallest concience)
[Daffy Duck Voice] It's mine, mine all mine.
Tiffani

Second runner up: 2 points (selected by Ted Kennedy's blown capillaries)
Interestingly, the proposal for remaking the movie _Seven_ with kittens went through several rounds of review before being rejected.
Trey

Third runner up: 1 point (selected by the Romulan Ambassador on Kyrtus 5)
Every year, thousands of kittens such as this one succumb to the horrors of Kitty Kibbles & Krack. Just say "Meow" to drugs.
8ZERO8

Posted by: Jim at 01:31 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Here's a nifty little meme/game/whatever I found at Dragons, Butterflies and Lady Bugs.

1. Pick 13 movies that you enjoy.

2. Pick a line of dialog that you like.

3. As people guess the film, strike out that entry.

4. NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, etc.!

To add a little spice I'm going to give a point to each first correct answer. Some of these are pretty difficult. Any left after 24 hours will go to 2 points each.

Adendum to #4, no searching my archives either.

Quotey bits are in the extended entry: more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:19 PM | Comments (35) | Add Comment
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1 I know Number 6! Lilo and Stich!

Posted by: LW at January 27, 2005 02:51 PM (GCA5m)

2 Number 7.........no brainer! Full Metall Jacket

Posted by: LW at January 27, 2005 02:52 PM (GCA5m)

3 Number 8 is from Singles........I think.......I hope.......and now I am done.:-)

Posted by: LW at January 27, 2005 02:53 PM (GCA5m)

4 Correct, correct, and correct. Three down. Get 'em while they're hot!

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 02:56 PM (tyQ8y)

5 #12: Johnny Dangerously. Check the mouth on that guy... #13: Quigley Down Under. Loved that scene.

Posted by: Squire Trelane at January 27, 2005 03:04 PM (q9AXC)

6 Correct and correct. Wow, I figured the Quigley one would go to the end. So, you must be the other guy who bought the tape, eh? hehe

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 03:09 PM (tyQ8y)

7 #10 is Attack of the Killer Tomatos

Posted by: Victor at January 27, 2005 03:26 PM (L3qPK)

8 One for Victor! Hmmm...that's two of my 'killers' dead already. This little contest may be over quicker than I thought.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 03:39 PM (tyQ8y)

9 2. Last of the Star Fighters?? 3. Never Ending Story??

Posted by: Holly at January 27, 2005 03:44 PM (Wkg+N)

10 Thank you, Jim. BTW, I just found out the director, producer, or writer of Attack of the... spells like Dan Quayle (I used the IMDB to check the spelling just now. I was gonna give you some grief, but that wouldn't be right).

Posted by: Victor at January 27, 2005 03:56 PM (L3qPK)

11 Number 2 is Last Starfighter!

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2005 03:59 PM (uFX1z)

12 Holly Good snag. It's "The Last Starfighter" but you're more than close enough. Victor You're thinking of potato. Tomato is properly pluralized with an "e" in there. Seriously.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 04:00 PM (tyQ8y)

13 3 is Neverending Story 9 is Titanic

Posted by: Helen at January 27, 2005 04:00 PM (uFX1z)

14 Is #1 Dog Soldiers? Number 11 is from Farinheit 9/11, right? ;-)

Posted by: Garret at January 27, 2005 04:04 PM (IOwam)

15 Ooh, the action is coming fast and heavy. Faster than I can update! Helen gets Titanic. Sorry, dear. Holly beat you for the other two.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 04:04 PM (tyQ8y)

16 #9 - Leonardo DiCaprio, Titanic

Posted by: brasten at January 27, 2005 04:05 PM (uHtD0)

17 Argh! HELEN!

Posted by: brasten at January 27, 2005 04:07 PM (uHtD0)

18 #1 is Dog Soldiers. I can guarantee I've never quoted F911. One point for Garret! By the way, Susie's going to be pissed. That was a gimme for her.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 04:09 PM (tyQ8y)

19 11 is from Stripes!

Posted by: RP at January 27, 2005 04:20 PM (LlPKh)

20 So it is. Thanks, Jim, I went to dictionary.com.

Posted by: Victor at January 27, 2005 04:21 PM (L3qPK)

21 11. Stripes. Bill Murray.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 27, 2005 04:23 PM (7PFnN)

22 RP: Correct! Victor: My pleasure.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 04:23 PM (tyQ8y)

23 Just a hair late, Jen.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 04:24 PM (tyQ8y)

24 Bah. Too late.

Posted by: Jennifer at January 27, 2005 04:25 PM (7PFnN)

25 #5: As Good As It Gets?

Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 27, 2005 09:16 PM (ydGus)

26 Nope, it's not As Good as it Gets.

Posted by: Jim at January 27, 2005 10:02 PM (GCA5m)

27 #5: Gone With the Wind?

Posted by: jacqui at January 28, 2005 12:03 AM (cRpUh)

28 4. Dogma?

Posted by: JohnL at January 28, 2005 12:07 AM (gplif)

29 Sorry jacqui & JohnL, both wrong.

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2005 05:20 AM (GCA5m)

30 #5: Monsoon wedding?

Posted by: Jeremy at January 28, 2005 08:06 AM (XrrYM)

31 I also think i know #4 but i will leave it for a bit to see if anyone else gets it.

Posted by: Jeremy at January 28, 2005 08:09 AM (XrrYM)

32 Yup, #5 is indeed Monsoon Wedding.

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2005 08:18 AM (GCA5m)

33 The "hmmm" gives 4 away - tis Laird Sean of Connery in The Name of the Rose

Posted by: dafyd at January 28, 2005 10:43 AM (ZZQbd)

34 That's the one! I'll get the points awarded later this afternoon. Great job y'all!

Posted by: Jim at January 28, 2005 11:04 AM (tyQ8y)

35 That was cool! I'll have to try this at my blog. Maybe I'll get some readers. (Yes, I know I'd have some readers if I posted more. Work and life are conspiring against me.)

Posted by: Victor at January 28, 2005 04:14 PM (L3qPK)

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Frightening news:

There's trouble brewing, guys

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

* This title was scientifically designed by a Washington think tank to be irresistable to Harvey.

(Hat tip to Tiffani)

Posted by: Jim at 01:26 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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...or does anybody else find it odd that Senator Byrd is stressing that Dr.Rice's qualifications for Secretary of State should be judged primarily by her actions as National Security Advisor? I just think it is a bit hypocritical that the only KKK alumni in the Senate is calling for somebody to be judged strictly by their history instead of their current qualifications.

I'm not calling Byrd a klansman. He was a prominent one over fifty years ago, sure. He's worked against equal opportunity, women's rights and desegregation, sure. But, he said he was sorry that he'd said and done all of those hurtful and evil things while he was running his branch of the KKK and if that's good enough for his apologists then it's good enough for me.

Lovely Wife got one of those anti-Bush spam emails the other day. Part of it explained how Bush is a Nazi because his grandfather had business dealings with a bank that raised money for the Nazi party. I'd be a hypocrite myself if I said that accusing somebody of being a Nazi because of the actions of his grandfather was a load of shit but I still thought of Byrd as a bigoted racist simply because he was instrumental in the reappearance of the Klan in his more mobile years.

Incidentally, Byrd has said he was sorry for his Klan activities but I've been unable to find any mention of him ever actually saying that those actions were wrong. Does anybody have knowledge of him ever saying so?

Anybody?

Bueller?

Posted by: Jim at 12:08 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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The contest will be open until some time on Friday. Best caption gets 5 points with another handful thrown around to the rest of the best.

(Click for big size.)

Posted by: Jim at 09:50 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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(Make your own with the Error Message Generator)

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I've been invited to a 'webinar'. This is the term being used because 'web seminar' is far too understandable. Jargon is of ultimate importance in business so a clear and concise phrase like 'web seminar' cannot be permitted to survive. No, a grotesque substitute must be crafted. Something that executives and PR people can say with pride alongside such trite and overused staples as 'paradigm', 'leverage', and 'out of the box'. Proper use of these craptacular phrases causes an executive to achieve a mental woody so great they can actually mentally ejaculate.

"Today's webinar will explore the paradigm shift resulting from our leveraging of out of the box thinking."

SPLURT!!! <--- mental ejaculate

Can I just say no? Can I refuse to use the word 'webinar'? Why can't I just use 'web seminar'?

If I do refuse to use this bullshit word will my coworkers look at me funny? Will they joke about my archaic word choice during project planning sessions? If I send out invitations to my own 'web seminar' will there be no attendees because they don't understand what such a thing is?

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. I refuse to use 'webinar'. I am officially adding it to my list of prohibited phrases. I will not add it to my spell checker dictionary so every time I see it it will have the red underlined squiggly of rejection. Call me antiquated, call me conservative, call me Al. Just don't call me a sycophant.

I must go now. I have to engineer visionary metrics in order to deliver seamless convergence with my incentivized best-of-breed partnerships.

Posted by: Jim at 08:39 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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This is pretty neat: Private, home school students added to Perdue's virtual school bill.

Home schoolers and private school students would be allowed to take online public school courses under changes a Senate committee made Monday to a bill backed by Gov. Sonny Perdue.

The Senate Education committee approved a plan to create the Georgia Virtual School - giving students in small school systems computer access to advanced placement classes and other courses that may not be available to them locally.

Students not enrolled in public schools would be allowed to take up to 6 courses. I don't like the limit there but this is better than the original proposal that was limited to enrolled students only. Of course not everybody is happy with providing educational opportunities outside of the classroom.

The amendment was opposed by Democrats on the Republican-controlled committee and by representatives of teacher's groups, who said the change would effectively take money away from school systems.

"This is one more step in weakening public schools," said Sen. Vincent Fort, D-Atlanta, a committee member who voted against the amendment. "Public school students should not have to wait in line."

In the words of the great Arlo Guthrie, "Have a nice steaming cup of shut the fuck up". Teachers, teachers' unions and the people who depend on those unions for their kickbacks payola bribe money support will always be against anything that takes away their money. In this case they are working not only against homeschoolers but also against progress. The web is a fantastic tool and the more it is developed for scholastic opportunity the less we will need schools and teachers. You can't fault somebody for working in their own self interests but you surely can call them fucknuts when that puts them directly at odds with our kids.

Posted by: Jim at 08:14 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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My interview is up at Jennifer's History & Stuff. Go and find out all about my cow porn and my skill with foreign languages.

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We have two cat doors inside our house. One is on the laundry room door. That's so the cats can get in there to do their 'business' without the smell of cat box taking over the house. The other is between the living area and the sleeping area of the house. That door gets closed so we can keep the dogs (and children) in one half of the house or the other, also to save on heating/cooling during sleepy time. The cat door is a necessary there again so the cats can get to their toilet.

Henk and Apple (the grown-up cats) take the doors in a stately fashion, very dignified, very careful. Stitch (the hell spawn kitten) takes them like a panzer division crossing the French border. She'll start by the laundry room and tear ass across the kitchen floor. She'll slowly build up speed as she gains minute amounts of friction on the tiles, much like a cartoon character or dragster. There's a 50/50 chance that she'll make the turn into the dining room otherwise there'll be a loud "thwunk" as she banks off of the oven cabinet. Once she hits carpet the claws come out and she accelerates as if she just turned on the nitrous. The sound of ripping fibers increases until they conclude with a door jarring "THA-WANG" as she dives through the cat door and sends it smacking into the door on its hinges.

The cat doors are pretty good ones and have little switches so they can be set to open both ways, either way alone, or lock closed.

All I can think of every time I hear her assault the door is this.

So far I have resisted my natural urges but I'm unsure how long I can hold out.

Posted by: Jim at 10:56 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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I just took the 20 Questions to a Better Personality quiz (found at LeeAnn's place).

Wackiness: 50/100
Rationality: 24/100
Constructiveness: 58/100
Leadership: 72/100

You are a SECL--Sober Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a Politician.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Burger: I'm not a baby any more.

Me: No? What are you now?

Burger: I'm a big guy!

And so he is. Happy 3rd birthday, Burger!

(Paul's link)

Many more pictures (including Trey being attacked by a horde of midgets) at Flaptrap.

Posted by: Jim at 08:28 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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A reader over at Ilyka's place had a question in the comments. Specifically, is it possible to survive this type of set-up question with scrotum and relationship intact. The happy answer is yes, though it is often not easy.

The absolute first response to this question is to run screaming from the room. Barring that (for example, if the door is barred) you may be able to defuse the situation by ignoring the question with a compliment.

Her: Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

Him: Baby, you look gorgeous.

Note the compliment and the complete avoidance of the question.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances, add the words "to me" at the end of the compliment.

If the avoidance/compliment doesn't work you can try a distraction technique.

Her: I know I look beautiful to you [notice she used the "to you" even though he specifically avoided that trap. This is known as a trap within a trap or more commonly "The Bundy Offense".], but I really want your opinion. Does this dress make me look fat?

Him: What that dress really needs is a new set of diamond earrings. Do we have time to stop at the jewelers?

Note again the critical and skillful avoidance of the actual question. Dodge and weave, dodge and weave.

If both of these techniques fail there is still one method left to preserve your manhood and relationship.

Her: Will you knock it off and just answer the question? Do I look fat in this dress or not?

Him: [clutches chest] ARGGGGGHHH!!!

The fake heart attack will only work two or three times before she catches on so use it sparingly.

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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It's food time! The Carnival of the Recipes is up Caltechgirl's World. Lovely Wife's pea soup is in this one.

Mmmmmm... pea soup...

I'm doubly thankful for the Carnival today. Looking at some of those yummy-food recipes has finally gotten my mind off of that pancake sandwich I had for breakfast.

Posted by: Jim at 11:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No, I'm not suggesting we serve up reindeer fillets. Rudy's still my number one cervidae. The red-nosed freak I'm speaking of is none other than Ronald McDonald.

What in the name of all that is holy were the McDonald's food developers thinking of with this culinary travesty?

Sausage? Yeah, that's a good start. It's a breakfast staple. A thin patty of greasy sausage with an assortment of impregnated unchewable bits is a fine beginning for a breakfast sandwich. Scrambled egg patty? Right on! If it's got eggs in it, it's breakfast. You can add eggs to any normal food and instantly transform it to a proper morning repast. Steak? That's dinner. Steak and eggs? Breakfast! Eggs are just dandy for the breakfast sandwich.

But then they went for a 'unique' change. Something different. Something never tried before. Something that would complement the sausage and eggs in a way never before attempted.

Pancakes.

Yes, pancakes. Pancakes instead of a bagel (good), biscuit (good) or muffin (good). Pancakes with a layer of maple syrup inside them. Cause, you know, nothing goes with greasy sausage and dry eggs quite like the taste of sugary maple syrup.

Oh, the humanity.

You might have guessed by now that I had a sausage and egg sandwich on pancake for breakfast. You'd be correct if you did. Oh, I didn't get it at the clown house - mine was purchased at the breakfast hot plate at QT (gas station / convenience store). I still blame Ronald though because he started it.

Incidentally, when one section of the breakfast hot plate is completely full it is not because they just finished making those particular sandwiches and they are fresh. No, it is because every other customer has already had their own vomit inducing experience with that particular sandwich type and is now avoiding it like the plague.

The aftertaste is exceptional and has proven to be resistant to coffee, water and soda. My mouth tastes like maple grease.

I envy the fellow who was ahead of me in line at QT. His breakfast selection was:

1. A selection of snack-sized packages of pretzels and chips.


2. A large coffee. (Starbucks translator: "venti")


3. A gallon of green generic Kool-Aid style beverage.


4. A pack of cigarettes.


5. A Corona big boy.

Now THAT is a breakfast of champions.

Posted by: Jim at 09:38 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Sounds like my husbands breakfast. Sometimes he'll throw in a hot dog. I had one of those mcgriddles awhile back. It was so disappointing. My kids won't even eat it.

Posted by: Tiffani at January 21, 2005 10:37 AM (KE4Gu)

2 When I was in high school, I seem to recall that we called a Bud and a handful of chips ahoy choc. chip cookies the breakfast of champions. Your noting the change in composition of said breakfast to include all these other things just shows how crazy portion control has gotten and maybe just why we have this obesity problem.

Posted by: RP at January 21, 2005 10:37 AM (LlPKh)

3 I must be a freak. I love the McGriddles but I also love mixing my sausage with my pancakes and syrup.

Posted by: DeAnna at January 21, 2005 03:15 PM (IdVP4)

4 Isn't that what the aliens on "V" ate?

Posted by: Jim at January 21, 2005 03:20 PM (tyQ8y)

5 I tried a McGriddle once. Was totally unimpressed. Sausage McMuffin w/egg is far superior. When they don't leave shell pieces in the egg, of course. IMHO sausage /w pancakes: OK. Eggs w/pancakes: not OK. French toast is acceptable, though.

Posted by: diamond dave at January 21, 2005 05:10 PM (ZCnB7)

6 I like your "Breakfast of Champions" Jim, provided you throw away the first four ingredients.

Posted by: Victor at January 22, 2005 10:48 AM (etHvD)

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