I've posted the epilogue for Writer's Noose. I was going to wait for tomorrow but since tonight is Halloween I have no idea if I'll even get a chance to turn the box on tomorrow. I took the easy way out, posting it now with tomorrow's time stamp.

Go enjoy and spread the word. It's a pretty decent Halloween Story after all. >:-)

Posted by: Jim at 02:26 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 71 words, total size 1 kb.

Here's some holiday linkage for your viewing frightful pleasure.

The 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time
Not a bad roundup - I can agree with most of them. Especially #19, Willy Wonka. You remember that nightmarish boat ride with the psychedelic-LSD-flashback-moving-walls and Willy Wonka spouting out a poem of terror about the Grim Reaper mowing? Yeah, that one. Scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. Best kids movie ever.

The 100 Scariest Holloween Costumes
The Devil Cheerleader is especially frightful. I don't think I could bear to have all of these come up to my door tonight. Oh, wait a second. Lovely Wife will be out with the kids. Bring 'em on!

What's scarier than STDs? I mean besides Michael Moore in a tutu. Nothing! So we'll close out the special Holloween post with some quotes ripped from the sperm coated hand of Condom Man himself: more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 297 words, total size 2 kb.

Here, have some Cheddar

1. What's the worst candy you've ever gotten on Halloween?
Necco wafers. What the hell is that about? It's not sweet, it's not sour, it has the consistency of chalk and tastes like that nasty pseudo bread that the priests pass off as Jesus meat.

2. What is your best comfort food?
Chocolate milk. Not just any chocolate though. It has to be Nestle Quick powder so it won't actually disolve all the way and you get little choco granule bits and a thick brown slurry at the bottom of the glass.

3. When was the last time you tried a new vegetable or fruit and what was it?
The last new fruit I remember trying was kiwi and I thought it was quite a bit like a lemon crossed with a strawberry with extra seeds added. I can't for the life of me figure out what is so special about those things.

4. Is there a dish your mom or dad made for you growing up that you hated and can't even stand to think of now?
Liver and onions. Do you know what the liver does? It filters all of the nasty poisonous crap out of your blood so you won't die from your own internal filth. And people eat this?

5. What's your favorite snacking food?
Cheese. Good cheese like a nice boerenkaas gouda or aged cheddar. Ementaller is one of my favorites.

Bonus Question. What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
I was briefly dressed up as a bottle of Tequila today but they made me take off the costume when I wouldn't stop talking about the worm in the bottle.

Posted by: Jim at 12:01 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 286 words, total size 2 kb.

I think Chuck has said his final goodbyes over at Writer's Noose. It doesn't seem like the tale has ended but I don't think he's coming back from that walk in the woods.

Posted by: Jim at 11:26 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 37 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Come on, Jim! Bring him back with a new tale of horror...Halloween's not over for 12 more hours!

Posted by: Susie at October 31, 2003 12:12 PM (0+cMc)

2 Chuck has to die so that I may live. Fitting a short story into a blog was way more work than I thought it would be. It would have been easier if I'd prepared better but I didn't get the idea until it was too late and I wanted it to be finished for Halloween. But don't worry, Susie. Even if Chuck goes away, I'm sure BQ will stick around. Mwah hah hah hah hah!

Posted by: Jim at October 31, 2003 12:56 PM (IOwam)

3 So are you going to reveal your subterfuge over there to the unknowing, or just let them twist in the wind? As you well know, there are some folks who will think that this is something real, regardless of the fact that the last post is by a dead woman. Either way, I kinda figured on the Tyler Durden/Fight Club/mulitple-personality angle. Nicely done. Actually gave me the chills when BQ and Chuck were talking back and forth - and I was in on the joke! However, I don't really get the one comment made by "September '99". Was that you, or somebody else trying to make up their own parts of the story? Also, what's up with the intro to your original Lady of the Lake post on SBD? I kept waiting for Chuck to explain what was up with that 2-foot-tall fairy with the pirranha teeth, and it never came!

Posted by: Mike the Marine at October 31, 2003 01:13 PM (Zw7Hl)

4 I'll let 'em in on it tomorrow. My evil nature prevents me from letting them off the hook tonight. September 99 was somebody else. No idea what they were going for there but it added confusion so I left it. The original fairy idea was good but it fell apart when I was redeveloping the story for blog format. Originally it was going to end with that fairy being the cause of all of Chuck's problems but insane Chuck worked a lot better for the format.

Posted by: Jim at October 31, 2003 01:41 PM (IOwam)

5 Yeah man. But I still want a story with the fairy with big, sharp, pointy teeth! You pulled this off pretty damn well, I thought. It's hard to string people along for DAYS. All of the best known and biggest pranks (War of the Worlds, for example) are done as one-shot deals. You spool people up quickly, you get them almost believing you, and then you smack 'em over the forehead with just enough surreality to keep 'em guessing, while you run cackling into the night. YOU went the other way: keep people guessing for two weeks and then throw so much strangeness at them that in one sitting it would be dismissed, but now that they have that much time invested in it, and have grown to "know" Chuck, they WANT to believe. That's a much harder type of story-telling and I think you worked it out pretty good. BTW, if you want a decent scare in a really short space read this over at Quibbles N bits. Creepy, man.... http://www.quibbles-n-bits.com/archives/week_2003_10_26.html#001866

Posted by: Mike the Marine at October 31, 2003 02:13 PM (IOX+E)

6 There's a Part Two to J's story at Quibbles that just went up as well. Off to read it now.... http://www.quibbles-n-bits.com/archives/week_2003_10_26.html#001875

Posted by: Mike the Marine at October 31, 2003 02:17 PM (IOX+E)

7 I'll see what I can work up for a fairy tale. Thanks for the link!

Posted by: Jim at October 31, 2003 02:20 PM (IOwam)

8 Like i said in the comment to chuck, you are really good at that genre.....hope you write more.....

Posted by: kim at October 31, 2003 02:30 PM (n3RfQ)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Helen put up a list of the necessary traits in a man. Oddly enough her list is very close to the perfect man (that's me, by the way).

-Can make me laugh.
If this blog isn't proof enough, just wait till you see me naked!

-Loves hockey
Formative years spent in Buffalo, home of the Sabres. Hockey is therefore a love/hate thing with me.

-Tall
I absolutely tower over my kids.

-Big hands
It's not the size of the fingers but the hair on the palm. My fingers have been massaging things since I was 14. Only one female ever in my life has had a massage from me and not been seduced. And I'm still working on Mom. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:59 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 959 words, total size 6 kb.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Posted by: Jim at 01:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 276 words, total size 2 kb.

Sorry blogging has been so light lately. Blame all of the usual suspects. And blame Chuck too. Though I don't think he's in a mind to appreciate it after last night.

Posted by: Jim at 09:20 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 35 words, total size 1 kb.

I've had a couple people interested in the collapsable lists that I use for my sidebar links so I've gone ahead and prepared some easy to use files that will help anybody to implement the same. These can also be used inside posts. Just right click on this link and save the zip file to your PC. Inside are 4 text files. Read the one called instruct.txt and it will guide you through setting up your blog to use collapsable lists.

Note that the instructions are tailored to an MT blog with the MuNu setup. I don't know how differently other blogs function but some tweaking may be necessary.

Also, credit where credit is due: This is a script implementation I got from Microsoft FrontPage.

UPDATE: As MojoMark reminded me in the comments, these collapsable lists will not work for Mozilla. At least not up to version 1.4. Future versions? Who knows. The good news is they fail in an uncollapsed format so the worst that will happen is that they show up expanded, even on Mozilla.

UPDATE2: Just encountered this helping Simon get his lists set up. When you create the outline.js script file you must also build it. After you save it there will be a "rebuild" link (or button) underneath the "body" field. Click on that.

Posted by: Jim at 08:05 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 223 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Cool, but can you advise on that site meter thing? I added the site meter code that I use on my main template to all of my archive templates, but now the total seems to be frozen, which does not compute, since some comments have been added. Help me, Jimbo-One-Kinobi! I need your help!

Posted by: Helen at October 30, 2003 09:43 AM (tdh2z)

2 If you want Sitemeter to track hits to comment pages too you'll need to add that code to the Comment Listing Template (under Miscellaneous Templates). You've also got to do a site rebuild for these changes. And make sure you're putting the code within the [body] tags. I think that's all. Ain't this stuff wunnerful fun?

Posted by: Jim at October 30, 2003 09:50 AM (IOwam)

3 Not to burst your bubble or anything, but the collapsable lists don't work in Mozilla 1.4. They simply show as unordered lists down the page....

Posted by: MojoMark at October 30, 2003 12:08 PM (E+LQu)

4 Jim, thanks for all your help. If Pixy is the Emperor, you are Darth Vader.

Posted by: Simon at October 30, 2003 08:13 PM (OyeEA)

5 Happy to help, Simon.

Posted by: Jim at October 31, 2003 08:15 AM (IOwam)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Ever have one of those days when you're driving into work and you're so freaking tired that you seriously think about slamming your car into that jackass next to you because then there would be a car accident and you could get a quick 15 minute nap before the emergency crew got there?

No? Uh...me neither.

Posted by: Jim at 01:34 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 64 words, total size 1 kb.

Well written, humorous and useful. DON'S MOSTLY USELESS GUIDE TO BECOMING A SUPERSTAR BLOGGER is a blogging hat trick. It's bound to be a well linked story so I will of course go for a ping in order to leach off of the readership it attracts.

Posted by: Jim at 01:00 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 56 words, total size 1 kb.

Looks like Chuck's troll has forced a confrontation with some pretty sad results. Is Chuck's story over now?

Posted by: Jim at 12:42 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 24 words, total size 1 kb.

Laurence is mobilizing an army to take over the world! To join the ranks of the Amish Army just visit this page and click on the number that is presented. You can add one soldier each day to the mighty Amish forces.

One click a day. No pay or benefits but it's almost as easy as serving in the Navy.

Posted by: Jim at 10:05 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 68 words, total size 1 kb.

1 And we're being snarky about the Navy because?

Posted by: LeeAnn at October 29, 2003 04:07 PM (HxCeX)

2 Cause that's the only service I earned ragging privileges in. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at October 29, 2003 04:33 PM (fkewd)

3 Well, okay then. Thought I was gonna have to get all wicked-professional-Navy-dependent defensive and stuff.

Posted by: LeeAnn at October 29, 2003 05:19 PM (HxCeX)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

This week's Carnival of the Vanities is up at Who Censored Blogger Rabbit. It's in my greatly preferred format of easy to pore through post intros. Go give it a look-see.

Posted by: Jim at 09:59 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 33 words, total size 1 kb.

The Instapundit has pointed out what looks to be another DOS attack on Internet Haganah for Thursday. After using the handy dandy Arabic to English translator at Ectaco I must say that I agree with him. Loosely translated, the message says that 7PM on Thursday, October 30 is a favorable time for anybody who is available. It then gives details for Internet Haganah and their IP on all of their mirror sites.

So expect all of the Hosting Matters sites to go down around 7PM (time zone would be helpful) on Thursday.

UPDATE: From the comments comes good news for many blogs from Aaron at Internet Haganah -

Haganah is no longer hosted at HostingMatters. Trust me, I know, I'm the Director of Internet Haganah. HostingMatters ' network is not on the target list.

Posted by: Jim at 01:59 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 142 words, total size 1 kb.

I'm not sure if he's falling apart or getting it together. At least he seems to have handled his troll, thanks to a suggestion from Susie.

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. He's got the scoop on a device that can greatly speed up your commute. At least until the next guy gets one.

Posted by: Jim at 09:47 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 58 words, total size 1 kb.

G beat me at pinball this morning. I could give excuses like he uses a good paddle and I use a house paddle or that I'm sick as a dog and regurgitating a lung right now or that my drug addled senses couldn't focus on the ball or even that he has gained enough skill to actually beat me at ping pong. But those would all just be excuses.

The real culprit is my Great Uncle. He's dead so it's not much use for me to bitch at him. You see, he and my Great Aunt lived in Hawaii and they sent me some crystals and volcanic rock when I was a little kid. This was bad. It angered the gods and cursed me, much like that episode of The Brady Bunch with the Angry Tiki God.

I didn't understand about the curse until I was a teenager and by then it was too late. I didn't have those rocks any more so I couldn't return them to Pele's bosom to break the curse. That's Pele the Hawaiian volcano goddess, not the aged soccer player.

That's right, y'all - I am doomed for all eternity to suffer the curse of the Maori. I can normally keep it at bay with constant ritual sacrifice but every now and then it will creep through into my life.

On the plus side I always know exactly why things go wrong when they do. Like this morning's ping-pong game or last week when I ran over that kid.

Damned Maori.

Posted by: Jim at 07:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 260 words, total size 1 kb.

Good time for a Bonfire. Go take a peak as Kevin offers up a massive pile of inanity for your displeasure.

Posted by: Jim at 03:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 31 words, total size 1 kb.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!

She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 02:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 153 words, total size 1 kb.

Referred by Suburban Blight to OTP who ripped it off of North Georgia Dogma.

A-ACTOR (favorite): Sean Connery

B-BOYHOOD IDOLS (in the non-biblical sense): John "Hannibal" Smith, Commander Adama

C-CHORE YOU HATE: Chores? I have a wife. [duck] SWISH [/duck] more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 304 words, total size 2 kb.

The semifinals are over. Results of the second elimination series are:

Doppel-G (9)
Gee (2)
G-Spot (
Moondoggie (10)
Moose (0)
Squirrel (1)
Gorney Huy (1)
G-Willikers (1)
That Guy (1)
Why Not (1)

That means that "Doppel-G" and "Moondoggie" will compete against the first round winners "G-Whiz" and "G-Muse" to determine for once and for all what G's nickname will be!

Good luck and may the best name win.

Posted by: Jim at 11:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 82 words, total size 1 kb.