Jim over at SnoozeButton started Protomonkey a long long time ago in a land far far away, and it has had a few revitalizations since then. I added my latest contribution here. Check it out along with the other short fictions stories posted there.

Posted by: Id at 05:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Ryan rips into a gaybasher like Michael Moore into a table full of boiled crawdads.

Well...actually I guess the guy isn't a gaybasher. He's a speculative gaybasher.

A wannabe gaybasher?

Ah, hell. Just go read before I confuse you further.

Posted by: Jim at 04:16 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I tried to teach myself to surf recently. I can't decide if I'm a worse teacher than I am a surfer or vice-versa. Either way I've decided to take lessons. There's a Hawaiian expatriate at work who gives cheap lessons. I'm not sure what in the hell makes a native Hawaiian move from his home to this relative dump, but maybe he knows something I don't.

We've been trying to pin down a photog for the wedding recently. Some people actually had the nerve to tell us they didn't want to book us because; based on our budget, they were afraid of losing someone else who could make them more money! No offense, but I went to school with some photography majors, and they're hardly the type to turn away work, nah mean?

The best part was this little exchange.
Dialing phone, ringing.
"Hello, Fucknut's Photography."
"Yeah, Fucknut; I was just wondering what your rates are for weddings. I'm looking for someone to take some shots for maybe an hour or two during and after the wedding."
"Well, we normally don't do that. But what our usual package involves is about 4-5 hours of photos, usually about 2,000 photos narrowed down to 1,200 really nice shots, and we put them on disk for you. The package runs about $1300."
"$1300 for the whole day?"
"Yeah, and we may show up for the rehersal dinner just to get to know the wedding party."
"Hm. Who makes $1300 a day? Isn't that what the whore in Pretty Woman charged?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"The whore in the movie, I think she charged $1,000 bucks a day. And she was played by Julia Roberts. I mean, unless you're gonna show up with a hot, really hot, hooker on your arm who will suck my dick on command, I don't really think I'm willing to pay $1300 for you to stand around at my wedding and take photos for a few hours."
"We'll be at the rehersal dinner too."
"Right, which I am paying for. I'm not going to pay you to stand around at my rehersal dinner, eat my food, and not have my dick sucked by the hot whore you're going to have with you."
"Well, we could drop the price to $1,000."
"Who the fuck makes $1,000 a day?"
"It's actually more than one d-"
"Right. I forgot, you'll be at the rehersal dinner. Great. I'll tell you what, $850 for both days and a blow up doll and you got yourself a deal."
-click-

It's like they don't want to make any money. I mean, if someone offered me $850 for a day's work, I'd be all about it. I should just buy a better digicam, put a decent looking whore on retainer, and I'd have myself the goddamn cheapest photography biz in the nation; plus a sweet gimmick to boot.

Posted by: Id at 04:50 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Sorry I haven't been blogging lately, but I've been in the hospital. It's nothing serious, I've just been reading too much news lately. See, I was perusing my favorite stock market site the other day and found out that apparently, there's no reason for oil prices to be so high. According to that guy they're inflated. Hmph.

Then over the next few days some big oil company's turn in earnings. Marathon doubles their earnings this year, Exxon's increase by a third, then Shell does them one or two better. It's good to know that when I pay $2.36 a gallon at the pump that it's not all going straight into some fatcat's pocket right? How much have gas prices increased in the past year? Little over a third right? The frustration begins to set in.

Then I click on over to CNN, where I read that a bill has just been passed that "sends billions of dollars in tax breaks and subsidies to energy companies, but is expected to do little to reduce U.S. oil consumption or dampen high energy prices." Sa-weet!

So while I'm paying out my broke ass for gasoline, it's not because supply is shortening or internal costs are increasing; it's because these fat oil bastards are eating so much Alaskan crab and Crystal that their Armani suits don't fit anymore and they've got to get new ones stiched every month or so. And when these rich big oil motherfucks do their taxes at the end of the year, they get to write of billions. What the fuck is going on? That's when the doc said the aneurysm hit. I passed out in my chair, my head went forward onto the desk table, and I suffered a mild concussion. Good thing I was surfing the net at work, or I probably would've never been found.

Posted by: Id at 04:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Unions are in the news lately. Seems the big annual party for the AFL-CIO is missing some of the biggest partiers this year. Yup, the two largest single unions, the SIEU (pronounced "sue", as in that's what they do) and the mob Teamsters have called it quits and started up their own little group called The Coalition To Win, or TCTW (pronounced "Tick Two" which is very fitting when you picture two blood sucking insects).

And there was much rejoicing! Yay! more...

Posted by: Jim at 03:27 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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There really is nothing like a freshly shorn scrotum. You really should try it.

I'm just saying.

Posted by: Jim at 05:15 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Because I got the most fantabulous birthday present in the mail. Helen, you rock!

Points

Can you guess what splendiferous present Helen bought me? Three points for the first person to get it right!

And yes, there is enough clue in this post to get it right.

Posted by: Jim at 08:34 AM | Comments (23) | Add Comment
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A bit over two years ago somebody outed Valerie Plame ne-Wilson. This may or may not have been a crime. Nobody knew for sure. Two years later it has turned into a massive kerfuffle with independent investigators, grand juries, millions spent on investigation. And nobody knows if a crime was committed.

Here's a clue - if two years ago something happened and nobody knew if it was a crime and you've spent millions of dollars and taken up tens of thousands of man-hours investigating it and you still don't even know if a crime was committed, it's pretty safe to assume that no crime was committed.

For the love of Pete, put this sucker to bed already.

Posted by: Jim at 08:32 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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When the heat tops 95 and the humidity goes with it, when just walking out the door causes a film of sweat to sheen upon the skin, when walking across the parking lot is a painful experience and even the act of sitting down no longer brings comfort, it becomes very apparent that it is way past time to trim the ball hair.

Posted by: Jim at 04:45 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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1 TMI alarm! Clang, clang, clang, clang!

Posted by: diamond dave at July 22, 2005 05:00 PM (NEUph)

2 The alternate ending was: ..no longer brings comfort, you suddenly realize that it really is possible to wait too long to shave your balls.

Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2005 05:34 PM (tyQ8y)

3 Shaving's safer. Nothing's worse than accidentally snipping skin instead of hair.

Posted by: Harvey at July 22, 2005 05:58 PM (ubhj8)

4 To complete the Too Much Information we'd need pictures and/or an in depth step by step account of the ball trimming activity

Posted by: DeAnna at July 22, 2005 06:16 PM (IdVP4)

5 Jim Jim Jim....... TMI!!!!! TMI!!!!!!! LOL

Posted by: Denise at July 22, 2005 06:41 PM (JTlEe)

6 Who recommended shaving?--I can't think of much worse than itchy ball stubble in 90% humidity, myself. But I'm sure Jim can. Jim excels at the gross-out.

Posted by: ilyka at July 22, 2005 06:43 PM (wdZJH)

7 How about Nair?

Posted by: Morrigan at July 22, 2005 07:55 PM (kUzIM)

8 Have LW take care of 'em...or pull 'em out like a MAN!

Posted by: Victor at July 22, 2005 10:28 PM (IBRcA)

9 Ack! And I can't believe my sister is giving you alternatives! That may even make this whole thing worse!

Posted by: Bou at July 22, 2005 10:50 PM (5JHEt)

10 Wow. I don't think I needed to know this about you, Jim. Or about anyone, for that matter. I'm so glad I'm not male.

Posted by: songstress7 at July 23, 2005 03:18 PM (ie93s)

11 I'm thinking the stubble will suck. So you better keep up with that!

Posted by: Sissy at July 23, 2005 11:32 PM (uXS+O)

12 95? 95? It's 102 here in STL. Factor in the humitidy and the stupid factor and it really fells like 112. WHEEE!

Posted by: Jeff at July 24, 2005 04:05 PM (17wfq)

13 WAY too much info!!!!

Posted by: Mitzi at July 25, 2005 07:14 AM (WUm8R)

14 Harvey - You cursed me, you bastard. 20 years of trimming without incident have ended. DeAnna - That'll be available on my other site, Snooze Button Wet Dreams. ilyka - Damn straight. In fact, I took the King Gross-Out title from Harvey himself. Morrigan - No can do. Chemical depilitories either smell or feel like they are burning off the follicles. Never shall such evil approach my nethers. Sissy - Stubble isn't a real problem. My scrotal hair is soft and silky at any length.

Posted by: Jim at July 25, 2005 08:18 AM (tyQ8y)

15 Should've known you wouldn't address the ball-hair pulling issue, since you cook on propane.

Posted by: Victor at July 25, 2005 06:29 PM (IBRcA)

16 Ouch!

Posted by: Jim at July 26, 2005 03:12 PM (tyQ8y)

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I just figured out how to use my desktop monitor and my lappy monitor at the same time to double my screen size. How cool is that?

Now if only I could learn how to multi-task...

Posted by: Jim at 09:52 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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We had such an awesome time on Saturday. Boudicca, her three young Celts, and her sister Morrigan came over for a BBQ. There's always a bit of trepidation when you meet somebody for the first time and (for me at least) this is there regardless of how well I know somebody online. This evaporated as soon as Bou got out of her car and gave me a big "Hi" and a smile. If you've read her writing - she's just like that for real.

Of course now that I've been with her (not in the biblical sense - get your minds out of the gutter you dirty birds) one question does arise. What's up with the diet thing, Bou? Completely unnecessary - you're gorgeous.

The more perceptive of you will note that I brought that up here instead of in person. Like grampa used to say "Never talk to a woman about her figure. It's much safer to post it openly in a public place frequented by hundreds of people after ensuring that there are several hundred miles between you." Heh. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:45 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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1 Well,I forgot to make the corn,get the kids candy and all the chips,pretzels and stuff I bought.That Bubble Man totally distracted EVERYONE.I think this was the worst BBQ ever.LOL

Posted by: LW at July 18, 2005 11:41 AM (oqu5j)

2 The Bubbleman was GREAT!! We really did have a great time... and now... we're probably going to own a puppy. The boys have been begging for one and I can tell my husband is thinking about it. Sheesh. I don't know how you do it with 18 heartbeats in your house! As for the brownies... I forgot about them, but if you had brought them out, I would have fought you for them. I'm all about the chocolate! ;-)

Posted by: Bou at July 18, 2005 12:25 PM (5JHEt)

3 Bou IS some serious eye-candy, ain't she? :-)

Posted by: Harvey at July 18, 2005 05:15 PM (ubhj8)

4 Those burgers were great!!!! I'm a big fan of beef on a grill. As for another visit with lots of kids? give me some time, I have to recuperate . Love kids, but they are good birth control- remember? ;-)

Posted by: Morrigan at July 18, 2005 08:21 PM (zXB69)

5 Sounds like fun.

Posted by: vw bug at July 18, 2005 09:24 PM (i7MTM)

6 As for the weight thing... I have gained 15 lbs in the last 2 years. I just have some clothes I want to fit into. You and Harvey... Sheesh! But thank you.

Posted by: Bou at July 18, 2005 09:46 PM (5JHEt)

7 De nada.

Posted by: Jim at July 18, 2005 11:21 PM (oqu5j)

8 Mo: You're Irish. You should be ready in a fortnight. Tops!

Posted by: Jim at July 18, 2005 11:22 PM (oqu5j)

9 Dammit. You people stop talking brownies unless there are some delivered tomy house. Stat.

Posted by: Elizabeth at July 19, 2005 01:03 PM (8ldNh)

10 Came looking for the origin of "Beat with a stick" saying. Didn't find it where, but it was interesting reading your comment anyway. What I personally find more annoying, is the saying "it's the same difference". What insanity came up with that? Sounds like an oxymoron of a phrase. Something only a math wiz would dare say. But most people saying it aren't talking algebraic results. What they are applying it to, never make the slightest bit of sense. It outdates Yogi Barra, but it sounds like one of his. Don't even get me started on him, now. Perhaps you could write a bit of wisdom about this saying. Thank you. -Glenn

Posted by: Glenn Edward at July 19, 2005 02:03 PM (tKM4s)

11 What the hell was that about? I thought this topic was about the good time at Jim's house this weekend.

Posted by: diamond dave at July 19, 2005 04:55 PM (5qKGR)

12 Fella came into the site at an archive post with closed comments so he commented here. No biggie.

Posted by: Jim at July 19, 2005 05:32 PM (tyQ8y)

13 I'm glad you clarified that. I couldn't figure out what in the hell he was talking about...

Posted by: Bou at July 19, 2005 10:53 PM (5JHEt)

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Blackmoth the Terriblest was just too cute and we've been trying to trick him into a repeat performance. Last night as we were tucking the boys into bed we finally just came out and asked him.

Lovely Wife: Goodnight Blackmoth.

Burger: I'm not Blackmoth.

Me: You were Blackmoth the other night.

Burger: No I wasn't.

Bacon: Yeah, no he isn't.

Me: Sure you were. With the Power Rangers sheet over your head...remember?

Lovely Wife: It was Aladdin sheets, actually.

Burger: No. Not me.

Me: You don't remember jumping into our room and yelling "I'm Blackmoth!"?

Burger: I'm not Blackmoth. I'm Burger.

Lovely Wife: Well you were pretending to be Blackmoth.

Burger: No. Not me. I'm not Blackmoth.

And then it hit me. Of course he won't admit to being Blackmoth! He's in his cover identity of Burger Peacock. Only his closest and darkest associates and henchmen (aka Bacon) are permitted to know that Burger, unassuming neighborhood kid, is actually Blackmoth the Terriblest, nefarious watcher of Nick at Night.

He's good. Oh, he's real good.

Posted by: Jim at 12:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The boys are allowed to watch TV before they go to bed. The objective here is some quiet relaxation time so we're not pouring wired up kids into their beds with instructions to fall asleep. The caveat is that their selection is pretty limited. Channels like Discovery, Animal Planet and The History Channel are allowed. Their favorite channels (Nick, Cartoon Network) are not. The nighttime programming on those two is simply not acceptable for little kids.

Sometimes it works well, other times not quite. Lately they've been using quiet relaxation time for ninja fights and trampoline contests on the bed. When the noise level creeps up to levels noticeable to the fascist regulators (that's us) the TV goes off and they are put straight to bed. This has been happening with greater frequency of late so is high in our minds as bedtime approaches.

The other night as the boys are cleaning up their rooms in preparation for turning in, Lovely Wife and I were in our room making our bed. Bear walked in with a request. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:21 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Well, the fiancee and I have officially scrapped all our plans for the wedding. We had begun to plan this event so that it would be an above par affair. We didn't want our guests to be disappointed after travelling from far and wide, only to show up at some average ho-hum todo. We wanted them to be happy they came, grateful that at least they hiked all that way for a little friggin ambiance.

Let me tell you how much of a pain that was. It was emotionally grinding us both against eachother, like a pistil and mortar making a fine pumice of our lives. We would argue about details we discovered neither one cared about. We would worry about saving the money up, what would we do if disaster struck? Could we take money from the wedding fund? She was working two jobs, I was working and going to grad school, she starts hers in August. We were juggling a million flaming bowling pins and we really only cared about six of them. Okay, maybe seven. Point is, we weren't planning our wedding; we were planning a wedding for our guests.

Over the 4th of July weekend, one of the family relatives offered twice to basically cater our reception at cost. We shrugged it off politiely not wanting to impose. We got home and discussed the option. It actually came out that doing something like that would be typical 'us.' We're pretty laidback, low-maintenance people when it comes to partying. The stress relief and down home feel was beginning to appeal to us.

Then my parents offered us their house to hold the reception. We were sold. We haven't argued about wedding details in a week, many times the interval we were before. We realize that it's not going to be the standard formal affair, but we know it's going to be hella fun. Besides, neither one of us is really interested in standards anyways. Now we can invite as many people as we want, without having to worry if we can afford another $20 a head to feed them. We don't have to worry about being out of some fancy shmancy reception hall in four hours, we can stay and party until everyone falls out. It's kind of weird, because at first we started out really wanting to do it up, thinking that a good time meant spending lots of money. Now it's going to be something completely different, and completely reflective of who we are.

The best part about it, is if someone doesn't like it, I'll know they never really liked me. Which is okay, because when we start lighting the fireworks, we're gonna need a target.

Posted by: Id at 10:05 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Trey posted his opinion on smoking bans. He just happened to post pretty much the exact thing that I was working on for a post. But being the resilient and dynamic writer that I am I will shift to another topic with the grace and agility of a ballet dancer. An incredibly well hung and hairy chested ballet dancer, I might add.

Cell phone use while driving. It's evil incarnate. It's dangerous. It causes accidents. Cell phones kill!

Fortunately, the Georgia Assembly is considering just how they are going to word a law that will make it illegal to use cell phones while driving unless you use a hands-free set. The people who are pushing for a law against cell phones aren't happy. This law isn't strict enough. You see, they want a complete ban on using cell phones while driving. They say that it isn't the act of holding a phone that distracts a driver, it is the attention he* pays to the conversation.

A complete ban on cell phones in cars just doesn't go far enough. We also need to make a law against talking to the driver. If a conversation on a phone is so distracting how could anybody argue that a conversation with the person next to you isn't? Maybe we can mandate that each new car has a sticker like the ones on busses: "Do not speak to driver while vehicle is in motion." more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Jen is just around the corner from her 200,000th visitor. Go say "Hi"* and click on a BlogAd while you're there.

* "Yo", "Hey there" and "Wazzzup!" are also acceptable.

Posted by: Jim at 01:10 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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So, the Islamists really did a number this time in London hey? Speaking of numbers, which they seem so fascinated with, how 'bout these numbers. July 7th, 1940 was the day Hitler chose to begin his London Blitz. I'm sure those cheeky fucks sat aroung their Afghan cave chuckling to eachother about the irony of the day they chose to inflict terror on the British people.

Well, you friggin knuckleheads, in your effort to be all...numerical and cipher-oriented and shit, you forgot one thing about history in general. It tends to repeat itslef and if memory serves, London couldn't be broken by the barrage the Luftwaft unleashed on them, so I seriously fucking doubt a few mujihadeen with Jansports full of pipe bombs is going to bring a people like that to their knees. Even the IRA, after thirty years of bombing, has decided to take a more diplomatic route.

Furthermore, these British people are crazy. Maybe you guys haven't ever heard of rugby, but it's kind of a cross between ice hockey and boxing, but without all the pansy-ass pads and gloves. And these people do that for fun. You thought it sucked when the US started bombing your ass into the stone age, wait 'til the fucking Manchester United fans get a hold of you. I once partied with some of them after a soccer match, and they had a glass-eating contest. Two guys would face off, slam their pints, smash the glass on the other's forehead and eat the shards that were stuck in his dome. First one to clean his plate gets a free round. And that was after a winning match mind you. I'm telling ya, they're nuts. Good luck with that.

Posted by: Id at 05:11 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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We have flags flying at my house. Until very recently we had two "porch sized" ensigns at the front of our house. Some people think that's an excessive display of patriotism, flag waving and/or a sign of rampant Republicanism. Y'all know me well enough to figure that I don't give much of a fuck about that. I like the flag, I respect it, I am proud to fly it in front of my house and I fully and completely believe that excess is good.

Anyway, we are down to one now as the other had achieved a tattered state. What to do? It was one of those all weather nylon types made to stay up and out for years at a time. I couldn't toss it in the garbage can. I wouldn't be comfortable thinking about it sitting inside a pile of refuse for a couple hundred years. Fortunately, precedent, custom and even law came to the rescue:

United States Code Title 4, Section 1, Item (k): The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.

I folded it up into the Widow's Triangle and we said the Pledge of Allegiance. Lovely Wife did a chorus of The Star Spangled Banner. Just the first bit of course, that sucker is murder on the voice. Then I put it in our burn barrel and we all dove aside to avoid the toxic fumes and spitting bits of molten plastic. It was a really nice moment and I think the kids picked up something from it.

Now our Congressmen, apparently lacking any real work to focus on, are busy making it possible for me to be arrested for doing this. H.J.Res. 10 changes the constitution to allow legislators to make flag burning a crime. A crime as in penalties, fines, jail time.

They've been trying to do this for a long, long time. It has been either ignored or struck down by the Senate every other year since 1995. Now they think that there are enough Senators willing to pass the amendment. They feel confident that enough states will ratify it as well. This is mainly because they will present it as protecting the flag and not as altering the constitution to remove a subset of our rights. They will most assuredly not make any sort of note to clarify that the actual actions that are being prohibited will be determined at a later date.

They couldn't pass laws against flag burning, because that violated constitutional protections.
They couldn't pass an amendment against flag burning because there is slightly too much sanity on The Hill.
So they went the back route. Make a generic amendment that creates a brand new set of illegalities possible and then pass laws on the state level to flesh them out.

I have two things to say to these vigilantes against sanity and freedom. First, keep your fucking hands off of my Constitution. Second, just fuck off period.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 01:14 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Still crazy busy.

Interviewed two people so far for the PM position. One decent candidate, one very strong candidate. Position is still open as of now though so let me know if you're interested.

I was about finished with Medieval: Total War. My Spaniards were mopping up the last of the Egyptian rebels. Spain spanned across the width of Africa. We were eating paella in Cairo. It was a beautiful thing.

Then the gutless French bastards, my long-time allies I might add, launched a surprise attack on my northern province of Aragon. A quick redeployment of the African Expeditionary Force smashed them back into France but the bloody Pope told me to stop attacking their poor Catholic selves or face excommunication. With much grumbling the Spanish forces withdrew to Aragon.

But a short two turns later what should happen but the French got themselves excommunicated for their relentless assault upon the Brits. Woo hoo! Free for all time. Married off a daughter to the English crown, relaunched the attack into France and the Froggies have been folding between my hammer and William's anvil ever since. It's a beautiful thing.

I'm about 400 posts behind in my blog reading. Ouch.

Posted by: Jim at 02:56 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I was over at Michele's today farting around and she posted a thread about the existence of God in a world filled with evil, how can God let it happen, blahblahblah.

I read through the comments and listened to what most of the people had to say, and there were some well thought out opinions there.

People go back and forth about God's seemingly interventionist nature, apparently discriminating between those worthy of life and those who's families can hanlde the tragedy of death.

One guy posted an excerpt from an interesting article on human suffering and the important lessons the experience of suffering teaches us.

But the whole thing leaves me wondering what the hell is so 'hopeless' about a worldview where God is absent? I mean, if the existence of evil is in some way proof of the existence of God, how could being without God be worse? Wouldn't it nullify the existence of evil? If God is Love, and people did as best they could to show love to eachother, then I say yes; a world without a supreme being would be filled with love if we as humans chose to be fucking nice to eachother more than once a year.

It's quite an interesting trip when I really start thinking about people, and how we see our world. It seems that most of us go through life without ever really thinking about the how the other six or so billion people in this world have lives that are just as important, happy, stressful, and exciting as our own. We hardly ever stop to consider the impact one tiny action of ours has on any of a myriad number of people we come in direct or indirect contact with. And everyone does it or has done it. I mean, when was the last time anyone thought to themseslves, "I wonder how this will effect the lives of others?", before they did something. Would that it happened several times a day.

That guy in Michele's post who killed the family while driving drunk; was most definitley not thinking about the other people in this world. At several points that evening, the driver could have opted not to show such disregard, but failed. The price this person, and unfortunately many others have to pay is the awareness that humans are capable of evil. Evil doesn't come from Hell or Satan. It comes from us choosing to be self-centered and ignorant and...well, generally prickish.

It's the stupid things in life that seem to come back to haunt us. Thinking we can get away with something just one more time and then shooting ourselves in the foot. I understand that being considerate won't eradicate suffering, nor do I think anything is capable of removing suffering from the human experience. But wouldn't it be nice if our suffering came from something we couldn't blame each other for? Wouldn't it be nice if suffering was merely a natural condition predicated by disease or freak accidents? Or maybe, this evil that results from humans is naturally predicated in that it is resultant of human behavior. A natural stimuli of it's own.

Posted by: Id at 08:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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