I just threw up last night's buffalo wings. I'd like to mention that Frank's Redhot is actually spicier coming up than it is going down. Halfway through the barfing, my nose got so congested that I could only breathe through my mouth. So there I was barfing and gasping for air. It was quite the scene. My uvula is a swollen, burning mass in the back of my throat, reminding me every time I swallow that existence is pain.

Posted by: shank at 07:49 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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So we have a closet at work; well, it's a small room; that we keep office supplies in. It also houses our refrigerator, coffee maker and associated items, and boxes of...shit I guess. I have no idea what's in them.

In this closet, peculiarly, is a telephone. I'm not talking stored, I'm saying the phone is plugged into the wall and gets a dialtone. Now, I've never seen anyone answer it, or check the voice mailbox; but occasionally the fucker will ring. Of course, me being a curious little monkey, I'm always tempted to answer it:
"Hello, you've reached the closet."
Or maybe:
"This is shank, I'm in the closet. How may I help you?"
I've asked people if it used to be someone's office or something; but the consensus is that the space has in fact been utilized as a closet since the beginning of time. I mean, if it's always been a closet, it seems odd for a phone to be there; hence the intense curiosity about who may be on the other side of the ring.

Maybe it's God; and he just wants to say he loves us. Maybe it's the Commissioner, looking for Batman but accidentally transposing a few numbers. Maybe it's the internal complaint line. Me personally? I think it's a portal in and out of the Matrix. One day, when I have my affairs in order and I'm ready to take the red pill, I will answer the phone and bravely plunge myself into the truth. I hope I get to be The One.

Posted by: shank at 04:24 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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What do nudists do about butt sweat?

I'm not talking about olestra-esque anal seepage or other such nastiness. I'm talking about standard everyday butt sweat. The juicy crack syndrome that occurs on hot days or during intense bouts of physical exercise. Butt sweat hits everybody, old and young, man or woman*. Nudists certainly aren't immune.

For us regular clothes wearing types it can be taken care of with a strategic self administered semi-wedgie. Care being taken, of course, to avoid excessive depth and the track marks that could thereby result. A surreptitious crack swipe followed by a demure cheek shake to release the cotton is all that we norms require. What are the nudists doing?

When it comes down to it they must either embrace the butt sweat or use an alternate means of dealing with it. I can't imagine the first. I mean really - if you ignore the dewy gorge long enough the misting will eventually become genuine precipitation. I can't imagine anybody who could long tolerate butt sweat trickling into their coochie or dripping off their sack of balls like some twisted Japanese water torture. For nudists this would be even worse. Every time they sat down they'd leave a Rorschach test.

So if we eliminate the first option, the second must be true. Nudists are handling the butt sweat with some sort of wedgie alternative**. Do they have towels lying around with needlepoint messages like "Butt Sweat Only" and "If You Only Knew Where I've Been"? Do they make constant trips to the loo? Perhaps they carry around a personal nappy for just this occurrence?

It's mysteries like this that will forever keep nudists as strange and exotic creatures to mundanes like me.

* Don't try to deny it, ladies. If women didn't have butt sweat used panties wouldn't sell for $50 on eBay.
** "Alternative Wedgie" would be an excellent name for a rock band.

Posted by: Jim at 06:03 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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I am so incredibly worn out. With all the developments in my personal and professional life lately, I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past ten months. School'll be over in May though; but it seems like an almost uphill battle until then. I did get quite the upper at work today when my director sideled up to me and said "Your promotion is in the works as. We. Speak." If I'd anything in me I'd have passed the fuck out. So, and I hate to bank on it here, it seems that things should work themselves out here in the immediate future. Hmm. I guess once you get the good job, and get married, and finish school - it seems to spool faster and faster. Cuz then there's a house, kids, bigger workload at the office, schools, etc., etc. Holy shit. And I'm already tired.

Posted by: shank at 09:21 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I don't get personal too often, but I'm going to now.
(I shortened this up, because it was more than I wanted to share)

All you motherfuckers that gave my family shit over the years; can suck my dick. Look where we're at now, and look at you; you fucking broken, dispicable, shams of families. Fucking facades is all you are. And you had the gall to tell us we were doing shit wrong!

We did it our own way, with honesty, and arguing, and ultimately LOVE. You fuckers spent your time and money on keeping up appearances and coddling delinquents. Fuck you. I'm so glad that I can now; freely and without rebuke say to you "Fuck. Off." It's the American dream bitches, and I'm living it.

Posted by: shank at 12:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Wedding Party Entry - 'When I'm 64' by the Beatles
Cake - 'Sugar Sugar' by whoever the fuck that fifties band was
Garter - 'Idiot Boyfriend' by Jimmy Fallon
First Dance - 'All I Ask of You' - Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack (Sarah Brightman version)
Bouqet Toss - 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper
Mother/Son Dance - 'Simple Man' by Lynyrd Skynyrd or Shinedown (I haven't decided yet)
Last Song - 'Margaritaville' by Jimmy Buffet, or 'Forever Young' by Rod Stewart. Still up in the air.

Misc. genres: Beatles, Bluegrass, Big Band, Jack johnson, O.A.R., Semisonic, Club Jazz.

Posted by: shank at 11:01 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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So I have to give a toast at the wedding right, since I'm the groom. My first instinct was "Fuck it. Ceremonial crap is empty." But then it hit me - I will be able to talk, and 150 people will have to listen. Saweeet. So I started formulating a story, a soliloquy, a dirty fucking laundry list of shit that I've wanted to say to people for a long time. I'd say bits and peices of it outloud to the mirror while brushing my teeth or knotting a necktie. I'd lay in bed spending that quietness before my eyes shut running sections of it through my mind. It was to be my masterwork: pithy, funny, poignant, smart.

We were sitting around one day and someone said something like "Damn, the motherfucker really gets on my nerves" about a mutual friend.
"Yeah, I know. I'm so telling him that during my toast too."
"For real?"
"Yeah. Hell yeah. I talk, they listen; if they don't like it they can leave early and spare me the expense of finger sandwiches and beer for one more person at $18 a head."
"Damn. Balls on this one."
The old lady got wind of my plans to hand out peices of my mind while streamlining our wedding budget. She said I shouldn't do that: It was rude, and it would ruin the reception. Unfortunately for me, she was right. And yet, I still feel like I should say something important while I have all that attention. Surely there's something relevant to most or all of those people there, that I can share or say and still be pithy, funny, poignant, smart. I suppose I could adapt one of Paul's legendary shit stories, but then I run the risk of being recognized as a phony, given the number of people who've heard of Paul's shit.

I'm wondering if maybe I should just keep a peice of paper folded up in my pocket, and scribble notes on it as they pop into my head over the coming months. It would come off a little disjointed, sure; but I'm not exactly the world's greatest writer, so it would probably be shoddy no matter what.

What if I write the toast, and then just keep it in my pocket over the next few months and edit it when I have spare time? Maybe that would work better. Jesus, I'm already overextended on the planning phase of this thing anyways. I should just hire some jackass to do it for me.

Posted by: shank at 05:13 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Don't you hate it when people bother you about shit that doesn't matter? My mom sends me this little notice saying maybe I should be taking in more iodine. It's good for my thyroid.

Firstly, my thyroid is fine. I'll start worrying when I get a goiter or something. Is that even what happens; or is that the pituitary? See - it doesn't matter, because if I woke up without the fucker tomorrow, I wouldn't even know.

Secondly, I've had plenty of iodine in my day. I'm old enough that when I was a kid, people put iodine drops on your fucking scrapes. God, it was like being branded. The pain from iodine was all the encouragement a kid needed to wear skateboard pads. Furthermore, I used it to sterilize water on many a long-term backpacking trip. You'd put a few drops in a bottle of stream water, let it sit in the sun for a few hours, and wa-la; no micro-organisms would be waiting in your water to give you a two-week long bout of the shits. The downside to that is that iodine tastes like 80 different kinds of ass.

Thirdly, before iodine deficiency rots my thyroid away (to some unknown/not-cared-about consequence) I'm sure I will have drank my liver into oblivion, smoked my lungs blacker than tar, been hit by a drunk driver, had my body devoured by some form of cancer, been shot by a lunatic, and maybe - maybe - eaten by a shark. I don't know what the top ten killers in America are, but I bet none of them is a crapped out thyroid.

So Ma, I appreciate the concern, but my dick is going to fall off from beating it too much before my thyroid shits out because I'm not eating enough iodine.

Shank out.

Posted by: shank at 08:02 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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So, still busier than a motherfucker. I did, however, manage to come across something interesting today about Mr. George Galloway. You might remember the British politician and colossal jackass from such hits as 'Even the Labour Party Doesn't Aant My Crazy Ass', "It's All a Pack of Lies", and most recently, 'Okay, So Maybe It Wasn't All A Pack of Lies, But I Dare You to Try Me for Perjury!'. He's also written a book, aptly titled "I'm Not the Only One". I swear to you, that book is real, that's not a joke.

I assume the forward is written by Kofi Annan. Those fuckers. I'mma go get some beer and be right back. WOO!

update: My Rouge Dead Guy Ale, a movie buff if there ever was one, has just informed me that Galloway has signed on to star in a new production this summer; temporarily titled "I'm Going Upstate to Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison." Word has it, he'll be co-starring along side Saddam Hussein and "Punk'd" host Aston Kutcher. The latter of whom is apparently "Just along for the free ass-play".

Posted by: shank at 06:09 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is shank, over. I was BC'd on an email from my director to the VP, copy. Director supports the consideration of a raise for yours truly, over. I'm dug in behind enemy lines, pinned down by a wave of paperwork on the west and an entire night of school on the east, over. I don't know if I'm going to make it out alive. Haven't heard from Paul, and I fear the worst, over. If anyone gets this message, find him first, he blogs better. We can hold our own here on my end for a few more days, but we'll need reinforcements. I'll keep you posted as long as the batteries hold up and we're all here. Shank out.

Posted by: shank at 04:57 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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UPDATE 10/26 (see extended entry)

'Tis the season for spooks and scares, and some good laughs. Anyone out there have a good story they'd like to share about scaring someone, or being scared by someone? Are you the I-don't-scare type that once flipped out in a haunted house when someone grabbed you? Fondly remembering scaring your little sister so much she wet herself? Were you that little sister that grew up and screamed so loudly during a scary movie that your brother and his popcorn went flying off the sofa? Let's hear your stories!

My stepson jumped three feet off the couch and yelled SHIT! when my wife crept behind him and grabbed his shoulder during the final scene of Carrie.

She made ME jump three feet when she let out a piercing shriek (on purpose, mind you) during the scene in The Hand That Rocked The Cradle when the husband's hand came from behind the stairs and grabbed the wife's ankle.

Others?

more...

Posted by: Diamond Dave at 05:35 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Yesterday, while sitting through a meeting that I can only describe as a boredom marathon, I had an epiphany. more...

Posted by: shank at 04:23 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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In the real world, that is, outside of blogging, I get asked for advice quite a bit. ThatÂ’s probably because I give the appearance of a stable, well adjusted person. Not that I am, but I do give the appearance. Since I fear everything IÂ’m always on red alert and that keeps me from making unwise investments, getting involved in ridiculous situations and in general, avoiding the wave of idiocy that many people canÂ’t seem to steer clear of.

Back the point. I often get asked for advice and I rarely dispense it. This makes people crazy. They think I donÂ’t want them to succeed, but thatÂ’s not the case at all. I donÂ’t give advice for two reasons.

1. ItÂ’s rarely, if ever, heeded
2. Most people donÂ’t want advice, they want someone to blame when things donÂ’t pan out

However, IÂ’m in a charitable mood today, and IÂ’ve got nothing else. Therefore, I offer the following pearls of wisdom:

1. Always sit with your back to the wall.

2. Avoid the herd mentality. If large groups of people are doing something, buying something or behaving a certain way, do the exact opposite.

3. DonÂ’t drink rum or any mixed cocktail with high sugar content for extended periods.

4. Have a sense of honor. Your word should be your bond.

5. Nobody likes a mooch.

6. Shut the fuck up. Sometimes itÂ’s best to listen.

7. If you canÂ’t afford to pay cash for something, you definitely canÂ’t afford it at 14% on your credit card.

8. Learn from the experience of others. Learning the hard way is not mandatory.

9. People will fuck you over if you let them.

10. Abusive relationships should be terminated with extreme prejudice.

11. Marriage vows should mean something. Or why bother.

12. If you donÂ’t have the correct tool, donÂ’t start the job.

13. Life is short, have some fun and donÂ’t fuck it up.

14. When driving, donÂ’t lurk in someoneÂ’s blind spot.

15. If you want something done right, be prepared to pay through the nose.

16. If youÂ’ve been getting your hair cut the same way for more than ten years, you probably look like a jackass.

17. Good friends are hard to replace. Preserve those you have.

18. Shitty friends will drag you down with them.

19. Nothing is out of your reach. DonÂ’t be afraid of success.

20. DonÂ’t tailgate others.

21. If in the course of life you make enemies, it is best to keep them near you.

22. If you are severely wronged by someone, the proper payback is at least three times the initial value in cash, pain or inconvenience.

23. Enjoy the arts. Music is good for the soul.

23. Be excellent to each other.

24. Party on dudes!

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:40 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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There was a time not long ago that I could spit out posts like nobodyÂ’s business. I donÂ’t mean links or bullshit posts where you talk about having nothing. I mean posts that had a beginning, middle and an end. That had pacing and theme. Posts that told a story.

It would seem theyÂ’ve dried up. Maybe IÂ’ve gone to the well too many times. Maybe itÂ’s the fact that most of my stuff revolved around my interaction with other people, which I have been forced to limit, in order to preserve my sanity.

Or maybe my luck has improved. I haven’t scalded the shit out of my mouth with hot napalm-like pizza lately, I haven’t shit myself in a long time…no wonder I’ve got nothing. Today I’ve got a headache. There’s nothing funny about a headache. I’ve got nothing to play off of. It’s not like cramps and the running shits—that’s good stuff. My whole schtick revolved around embarrassment and I’ve had nothing since the underwear incident.

I miss my old ways. Once I was driving down the freeway and I noticed a wasp was in the car. Now IÂ’m a man and all, but there was a fucking wasp in the car. So I rolled down a window to blow it out, but instead of it going out it blew over to my side, and before I knew it the bastard was on my neck and I was swerving all over the road (in a man-like, controlled manner). There was a lot of swatting and wriggling on my part and IÂ’m pretty sure I was screaming pretty loud too before I got the bastard out.

You see, thatÂ’s funny, even though it was emotionally stressful at the time. As far as I was concerned I was fighting a fucking dragonÂ…itÂ’s all the same to me. One may be smaller but theyÂ’re both trying to kill me.

And speaking of stress, someone needs to explain what pleasure is derived from going to haunted houses/scare fests around Halloween. IÂ’ve done my share as a younger man and I failed to see the charm. You pay money to walk around in the dark while a bunch of assholes wait until youÂ’re most vulnerable and then jump out screaming and scare the living shit out of you. I donÂ’t find that type of anticipation pleasurable. I find it fucking stressful. IÂ’m a nervous wreck after that shit. I also donÂ’t like people yelling in my ear. My natural tendency is to attack someone that yells in my ear, and that tendency is hard to restrain. And often is not. Fear is the mother of violence. If you scare me, I will usually attack you.

I have no idea how to end this travesty. MordieuxÂ…what has become of me?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:51 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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HereÂ’s a headline from AP this morning:

Wilma Roars Toward Yucatan, Southern Fla.

As of this writing, the fucking thing is wobbling around at seven MPH. Seven MPH is not roaring. ItÂ’s also nowhere near Florida, itÂ’s currently not heading towards Florida, and I suspect that these pinheads have no idea where itÂ’s going to end up.

I even have some proof.

For the past three days IÂ’ve heard and seen nothing but one forecast track, the published conglomeration of models interpreted and published by NOAA. Last nightÂ’s 5:00PM discussion, which can be found archived here, shows not only the unpredictability of hurricanes, but the ineptitude of forecasters. Witness, then, what happens when they throw their hands into the air:


“AGREEMENT AMONG THE TRACK GUIDANCE MODELS...WHICH HAD BEEN VERY GOOD OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS...HAS COMPLETELY COLLAPSED TODAY. THE 06Z RUNS OF THE GFS...GFDL...AND NOGAPS MODELS ACCELERATED WILMA RAPIDLY TOWARD NEW ENGLAND UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF A LARGE LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM IN THE GREAT LAKES REGION. ALL THREE OF THESE MODELS HAVE BACKED OFF OF THIS SOLUTION...WITH THE GFDL SHOWING AN EXTREME CHANGE...WITH ITS 5-DAY POSITION SHIFTING A MERE 1650 NMI FROM ITS PREVIOUS POSITION IN MAINE TO THE WESTERN TIP OF CUBA.”

Emphasis mine.

Today theyÂ’re back to the old track, most likely because they have no clue and are afraid to say so.

Wouldn’t it be better if they just were honest about it? Just once I’d like to hear them say, “Look, man, this thing’s heading west right now, but we don’t where it’s going or when it’s going to get there. Our educated guess says it hits the Yucatan on Thursday, but after that we just shake the magic eight ball.”

I bet that any one of us could predict where this thing lands with as much accuracy as the National Hurricane Center.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:38 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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HereÂ’s an amusing article about the search for the best vodka. ItÂ’s pretty entertaining.

Are you a fan of Absolut? HereÂ’s what the panel had to say:

“… Panel members noted its "piercing, antiseptic quality," "too-dry taste," "medium burn," and "unremarkable finish" and agreed that midshelf vodkas (again, we only tested premium brands) represented a much better value.”

Go figure. I was never a big fan.

I really enjoyed the critique of this vodka, one IÂ’ve never heard of:

“… The vodka's industrial-strength bouquet reminded one drinker of "burning tires." As for its taste, the panelists declared it "sticky-sweet," "thick," and "gluelike." "I wouldn't use it to fuel my lawn mower," one taster said, bringing the discussion to an end.”

IÂ’ve always wanted to do taste test like this but my friends, as rule, are hard to control when surrounded by a large number of full liquor bottles. ItÂ’s not that theyÂ’re wild Indians or anything, but maintaining order during a structured event that involves shots seems highly unlikely.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 01:40 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I never tire of reading this post.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 11:32 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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"ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - The author of a new state law that allows felony charges against owners of dangerous dogs was hospitalized over the weekend after his own dog attacked him."

I rarely laugh out loud.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:00 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Posted by: shank at 08:39 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I canÂ’t help but notice a shitload of spam in the comments. Shank is asleep at the switch.

Most of you are still using the paul@sanitys-edge email address and that will be dead by tomorrow or Wednesday. Please use the alternative. I would post it here but then IÂ’ll be inundated with offers of cheap hard-on pills and penile enlargement doohickeys, neither of which interests me. If anybody knows how to do that thing with the code where your email address is on the page but in the source it looks like Latin vomit, please speak up and make yourself useful.

For some reason I canÂ’t make a decent Bloody Mary. Either too much Worcestershire or not enough. I guess IÂ’ll have to start actually measuring. I like to use Clamato instead of tomato juice and I add few shrimp so thatÂ’s kind of like a meal.

IÂ’m debating going home for lunch and afternoon sex. And a Bloody Mary.

Did you know that Worcestershire sauce has a disputed history? You might also be interested knowing what that shitÂ’s made out of, namely, vinegar, molasses, corn syrup, water, chilli peppers, soy sauce, pepper, tamarinds, anchovies, onions, shallots, cloves and garlic.

Lea & Perrins, the most popular brand also has a secret ingredient that purportedly gives it an extra kick. TheyÂ’ve kept it a secret since 1837 and theyÂ’re pretty serious about it. According to their slow-ass loading web page, only three or four people know what the secret and itÂ’s been broken up so that no one knows the whole recipe and it involves a lot of secret code words. It takes up to two years to make a bottle of Lea & Perrins and their website makes it all seem very romantic.

Tell me this ainÂ’t good blogging.

The Bloody Mary itself has a distinguished history.

It was first mixed at HarryÂ’s American Bar in Paris, a notorious Hemingway hangout. It was originally made with gin because back in the 20s vodka was not a very popular spirit. The originator took the recipe back to New York where hearty Americans insisted it was a pussified French drink and insisted on adding Tabasco.

Many speculate the concoction was named after Mary Tudor, daughter of Henry VIII who killed off just a shitload of her Protestant adversaries and became known as “Bloody Mary.” Others speculate it was named after a Chicago whore. Since I doubt that many 1920s bartenders were acquainted with the history of the House of Tudor, I’d have to go with the whore theory.

Regardless, itÂ’s one hell of a versatile cocktail and IÂ’d like to have me one as soon as possible.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:55 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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