Courtesy of the Pennsylvanian in Exile, here's the funniest thing ever writen by a lawyer.

It would be far fetched to argue that the Fuck family has not made its way into mainstream society...

Andrew Dice Clay, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Robin Williams and countless others ahve used the Fuck family to entertain audiences across the land, enriching their lives with the entertainment and comedic value of Fuck and its progeny...

Literally millions of Fucking recordings have been distributed by national recording artists...

Much more. Go read and enjoy.

Posted by: Jim at 03:24 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 107 words, total size 1 kb.

I've just come to realize how pervasive this phenomenon is. Take any two kids, each with their own particular bad habits. Mix them together then separate after 1 hour. Each will walk away with a complete set of their combined bad habits, give or take a couple lesser ones. Take this real life example of my own Bear and his close friend (who we'll call "Bear's Friend") as recorded on our Nanny-Cam:

The Scene: Bear and Bear's Friend are sitting and playing relatively peacefully with Bear's new Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube while Lovely Wife folds laundry. Lovely Wife gathers the folded laundry and walks off camera (stage left).

Bear's Friend: (looks around the room) She gone?

Bear: (also looks around the room) Yeah.

BF: Cool! What new ones do you got?

B: I was over with Bear's Other Friend yesterday and I got BREAKING EXPENSIVE STUFF. I only had to give him SNEEZING ON DADDY'S PLATE. You got anything that good?

BF: Almost. Last week Bear's Friend's Sister was playing on the floor and then just SPEWED WITH NO WARNING AT ALL. It was awesome. She traded me for TAKING OFF PULLUPS AND PEEING IN THE BED.

B: Hmmm. That's good but you need to do a bit better. Tell you what. You throw in SPEWING WITH NO WARNING AT ALL and that INCESSANT RATTING ON SIBLING that you got last week and I'll trade you the BREAKING EXPENSIVE STUFF.

BF: Deal

B: Cool

(Bear and Bear's Friend shake hands. Bear's Friend picks up the controller for the Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube and smashes in the top of the Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube. Lovely Wife rushes into the room (from stage left) to see what the noise was. Bear's Friend looks up at Lovely Wife with a face of cherubic peace. Lovely Wife's face splits down the middle in the first physical manifestation of a conniption.)

Lovely Wife: (furious, loud voice) What in the world are you doing?

BF: (confused, sotto voice) Sorry.

LW: Gaaaaaah!

B: Blaughlupslup

(Bear throws up on the No Longer Quite So Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube.)

LW: Gaaaaaaah!

The tape cut off here as a random laser beam from Lovely Wife's eyes aparently impacted the video camera.

In any case, although this is anecdotal evidence, it certainly points to a much greater pattern of behavior and perhaps even a juvenile conspiracy. Parents beware.

Posted by: Jim at 12:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 423 words, total size 3 kb.

Okay, so instead of writing a humorous or vitriolic yet amusing post I've taken up my limited free time this morning in discovering how to do comments and finding a place to do them for me. Of the several I tested out, Enetation is by far the fastest. Unfortunately they were also the last one I tested so I've wasted a goodly bit of time this morning. That's my lame excuse in case I don't get a real post out today. Or I could just fall back on that cheater post...

Update: I suppose a standard comment policy is in order. Try to stay with my convoluted and legalesque terminology:

1) Post whatever you think is reasonable.
2) If I don't think it is reasonable I'll remove it.
3) My determination of what is reasonable is not restricted to what I personally find offensive.
4) I'm fair game as I've willingly presented myself for your consideration/worship/ridicule.
5) If you offend my wife or kids I will hunt you down like the dog you are.
6) Feel free to offend my dog. He doesn't care.
7) Number 5 will most likely also apply to any female acquaintances whether in the real world or the blogosphere. Sorry, I was raised that way. I hold doors open and walk on the side next to the street, too.
There's a decent chance I won't see your comment if it's on a post more than a few days old. My comment system doesn't automatically notify me of new comments.

Posted by: Jim at 10:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 259 words, total size 1 kb.

Nah. I'll keep on in my self amusing, possibly offensive and/or libelous style and hope for the best.

Coming soon, today's post. It'll be one of these:
1) Kids trade bad habits like Pokemon cards.
2) Still more (i)FAQ.
3) Cheater post comprised of links discovered by other bloggers.
4) Reasons the medical field sucks, with special attention on why it sucks extremely bad at this particular moment. (This would be a rant.)

Posted by: Jim at 08:27 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Welcome to Modern Speach 101. Our lesson today is the word y'all and its derivatives.

Let us begin with the boring stuff, just as Mrs. Klutch always did back in high school. Y'all is a variant of You-all that has generally suplanted that longer form as it is more comfortable on the tongue and its use shows that the speaker does not hail from West Virginia. Y'all is singular, All Y'all is plural, Y'all's and All Y'all's are single and plural possessive, respectively.

Phew, glad that's over. Now let's move onto the fun stuff. Why do we need Y'all in all its forms and glory? Because the English language has hamstrung itself with the loss of the plural possesive pronoun. Once upon a time we had Ye and life was good. "Hear ye, hear ye", etceteras. Some time in the early 1800's the use of ye was lost in favor of the generic you. This sucked. I mean really, can you picture the town crier yelling out "Hear you, hear you"? This loss was quickly corrected with regional abberations of you-all. In the northeast we have youse as in "Hey! Youse guys better pay up your vig or Vinnie Two Thumbs is gonna break your kneecaps". In the middle Atlantic states you-all was preserved in its pure form giving us usage such as "You-all should stop going to family reunions looking to pick up chicks". In the south sometime around 1834 the use of y'all gained wide acceptance allowing concise statements such as "Y'all come check this out before I flush it".

Actually, that last example is substandard. The correct sentence would be "Y'all come check this out afore I flush it".

Great care must be made regarding which form of y'all to use. Use these examples of proper usage as a guide:

Addressing a single person or small group representing a larger group:
1) Y'all gonna finish that?
2) Y'all just opened up a fresh can of whoop-ass.

Addressing a group, especially when the group is racially, geographically or religiously distinct:
1) I'd be off the welfare if it weren't for all y'all carpet baggers taking the good jobs.
2) All y'all are just lucky my woman ain't cleaned my white sheet yet from the last lynchin.

Possessive address regarding something belonging to a single person or representative group:
1) Those wheels still on y'all's trailer?
2) Y'all's kids outta third grade yet?

Possessive address regarding something belonging to a group:
1) Dale's car woulda put all y'all's to shame. Earnhardt! Wooo! Never forget!
2) Got me some shine better than all y'all's.

As intimated above, y'all and y'all's can be used in a limited plural form. For beginners it is sometimes advisable to stick to just those two. Incorrect usage of all y'all and all y'all's can identify you as either a Yankee or a Floridian, both with disastrous results.

Posted by: Jim at 10:59 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 492 words, total size 3 kb.

The div tag is your friend. Well, it's my friend anyway.

Added my favorite links. This is more for me than you as it will let me hit my favorites no matter what computer I'm on. But I recommend all of them for you too. It will help you to become like me and that will make you a better person. Honest. Except for the butter and lacrosse stick thing, of course. But we don't need to mention that.

Also added a Google search for the blog but apparently I haven't been spidered yet so it's fairly useless at the moment.

Also added Sitemeter so I'll be able to tell if anybody actually visits. Cool, eh?

Anybody know how to add comments? I'm all ears.

Posted by: Jim at 09:10 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I had such a great time pretending there was an audience so interested in me that they were asking actual questions that I am continuing my self delusion with even more (in)frequently asked questions.

Q: How long are you going to do this (i)FAQ thing?

A: Until it bores me. Generally speaking that's how long I do everything including work, driving, sex, taking care of the fish tank, etc.

Q: Why do you use big words?

A: I don't use that many, really, but I have been known to use them on occassion. Here's the thing - The English language is gorgeous. We have the largest selection of words to use in the world because we take words from every other language in existence (and some languages that aren't). We combine words to make new words, morph words into new words, retire and rehabilitate words and generally do everything in our power to make English as difficult for a foreigner to learn as humanly possible. (Just ask Lovely Wife if you don't believe me.)

Let me put it another way. What sounds better?

1) Kate, whom we all adore, has a nearly perfect ass.
2) We adore the callypigian Ms. Kate.

#2 is much a much sexier sentence. Yes, it has a disadvantage because many people don't know what callypigian means but you don't have to be a cunning linguist to figure it out. Plus, look how concise #2 is. I've saved you, my dear reader, 4 entire words with that sentence! Let's try another one.

1) I can almost feel pity for the PLO when Meryl unshrouds their rancorous claims of revanche. But not really.
2) The PLO is a bunch of murderous thugs led by the worlds oldest terrorist and any chance of true peace in the Middle East is contingent upon the total annihilation of this group.

Now this one is a bit harder to choose a winner but that's mostly because they say totally different things. #1 is shorter and has cooler words though so we'll give that one the ribbon.

Q: How's the sex life?

A: Freakin' awesome! It's always been good but marriage year 5 has been exceptional and keeps getting better. Not sure why but if I had to guess it's because:

1) Lovely Wife and I are very much in tune with each other.
2) I dropped a load of fat. Lovin' is much better when you can breath during and after the pump and grind.
3) We're more rested. We finally have consecutive nights with no sleep interruptions due to screaming children.

Q: You're just bragging now, aren't you?

A: Yeah, but it's my blog so I'm allowed to.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Welcome to my (in)Frequently Asked Questions post. How (in)frequently have these questions been asked? Well, I'll just say that your question should have been phrased in the form of my answer and we'll go on from there.

Q: How did you meet Lovely Wife?

A: We met over the internet. She was a German living in Illinois, I was living in Buffalo. I was new to the Internet and playing around with ICQ and other messaging software. She went looking for a random profile to chat someone up and came up with mine. She liked my tag line (If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?) so started up a chat. We became closer gradually, helped each other through a breakup each and eventually realized we really, really wanted to be together. A bit over a year later she was living in The Netherlands (aka: Holland) and she came back here for our first RL visit. She never went back. 5 years later, 3 kids, much happiness.

I have been known to play the lottery occasionally now.

Q: What's your problem with guns?

A: I don't have a problem with guns. I'm actually quite fond of them. I often have a problem with people that have guns. Many of these people use them to shoot other people. I am fully aware that people have killed and will kill other people without guns. Guns just make it very, very easy. Guns also make it easy to accidentally kill people. How many accidental stabbing deaths have there been? The Constitution says we can own guns. I'm fine with that, I just want to put a better screen on what it takes to buy one. If you're an idiot - no gun. If you're a criminal - no gun. If you're a nut - no gun. When in doubt, err on the side of not letting idiots, criminals and nuts have guns.

Q: So would you own a gun yourself?

A: Probably not. There are few reasons to have one: hunting, protection, sport shooting. I don't fit any of those. I haven't hunted in many years. I never have and likely never will simply "go shootin" whether it's targets or clay pigeons. My 22 year old hickory bat is all I want or need for home protection. I guarantee I only need to connect once to take all of the fight out of an intruder. After all, I have the home field advantage. So I have no real reason to get a gun and 3 excellent reasons not to get a gun (Hint: Bear, Bacon and Burger).

Q: Are you some bleeding heart liberal?

A: Nope. Most liberal causes leave me sick to my stomach.

Q: So are you a conservative?

A: Nope. Although the conservative agenda sits much better with my orderly (read: anal retentive) thought processes, as a collective plan it rubs me the wrong way.

Q: Green?

A: Hehe. Hehehe. Hehehaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Lordy. That's a good one! Tell me another.

Q: So what the heck are you then?

A: No idea. I support the individual policies that I support. Some of them are openly (and unapologetically) contradictory. I'm a big supporter of the armed forces. I believe in gun control. I think that government should get out of just about everything that it is into. I believe that States' rights and powers should come before the Federals'. I'll vote for a candidate that I like and trust before I vote for a candidate that apes my policies. I was happy that Clinton won until he made me regret it. I was sad that Bush won until he made me happy he did. Overall I guess I lean a bit to the right. If you must pigeonhole me then call me a Reformist Antidisestablishmentarian, but not really.

Q: You don't like politicians much, do you? Why not?

A: No, I don't. Two words: Cynthia McKinney. Two more: John Kerry. Okay, two more: Newt Gingrich. These people, and many more like them, were/are elected to public office. High public office. Blatant lies, blatant racism, skullduggery, party politics, nepotism, you name it. All considered part and parcel for the highest leaders in the land. There are some good, honest, hard working and dedicated politicians. They are both overshadowed and tainted by the performances of their compatriots.

Q: How would you fix the problem?

A: Oh, my sad, naive friend. Your question assumes that the problem is fixable. I seriously doubt that it is but let's give it a good old fashioned Yankee try:

1: Abolish political parties. The vast amount of ridiculous crap that goes on in the government is a direct result of the party system. Partisan politics is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. Does anybody seriously think that Cynthia McKinney could have been elected/reelected without the support of her party? Does anybody seriously think that anybody in the party supported her? Hell no! They would have supported a tortoise with a lisp to secure that seat in Congress.

2: Start the Finger and Toe Policy. In addition to the current required standards (not that those actually serve any useful purpose) let the people issue a monthly referendum of support for their elected officials. If the official has at least 33% approval then all is well. If they don't they must either vacate office or cut off a finger or toe (their choice). This would correct the problem where politicians ignore their constituents until they need to campaign for reelection.

3: Do not allow idiots, criminals and/or nuts into office. The public has proven conclusively that they do not have the ability to prevent these people from gaining office through the simple act of not voting for said idiots, criminals and/or nuts. To protect the people from themselves, candidates would have to take tests to prove that they are intelligent, not past or probable future jailbirds and are not in any way, shape or form a loony.

Q: Would you really cut off politicians' fingers?

A: And toes. Please go back and reread that paragraph. Thanks.

Posted by: Jim at 10:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 1020 words, total size 6 kb.

The Venomous One has compiled and posted the list of the 50 Most Important Events in US History. As expected, it closely mimicks the list I posted. That may have something to do with the fact that I cheated and put 20 or so more events in the list than I was supposed to and that my list may have been figured twice in the tally. But more likely it's a simple reflection of my brilliance.

Posted by: Jim at 09:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 88 words, total size 1 kb.

The problem with shooting people with conventional weapons are numerous. Kickback can make you miss an easy target. Gunpowder is messy, loud and inefficient. It's also prone to misfires and hangs. Forget those problems with a coil gun that needs only 6 AA batteries to put a 5mm slug through a metal can. And the rifle with a much faster firing rate will be here soon.

Yay.

Posted by: Jim at 09:06 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Magen David Adom, definitely. Meryl, Michele and Lair raised over $14,000 for that worthwhile organization. Not nearly enough for a new ambulance but a nice chunk of cash that will be very welcome.

Hey, did you know that you can still pledge for the Blogathon through the end of the day today? No? Guess what...you do now. Go on over and make a difference. I won't threaten to sing like Michele did but I'm more than happy to threaten the posting of my high school poetry.

UPDATE: At this point the total is over $15,000!

Posted by: Jim at 08:35 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Kate is doing her level headed best to give bloggers something new to argue about. The challenge is to list the 50 Most Defining Events in American History. I couldn't get it down to 50 so I cheated like the unscrupulous bastard that I am and grouped a bunch by overall concern/similarity/dependence. My list follows. Can you do better? Didn't think so.

1. Pontiac Uprising, Stamp Act (1763, 1765)
2. Boston Tea Party, The Declaration of Rights, The Declaration of Arms, Declaration of Independence (1773, 1774, 1775, 1776)
3. British surrender at Saratoga, French-American Alliance, Cornwallis surrenders at Yorktown, Treaty of Paris (1777, 1778, 1781, 1783)
4. Shay's Rebellion (1786)
5. The Articles of Confederation, Transmittal / Ratification of the Constitution (1783, 1787-8
6. Northwest Ordinance (178 , Pinckney Treaty (1796), Louisiana Purchase (1802)
7. Bill of Rights ratified (1791)
8. The Whiskey Rebellion, The Naturalization Act, The Alien and Sedition Acts (1794, 1795, 179
9. Marbury v. Madison (Establishment of judicial review) (1803)
10. Jefferson defeats Adams & Burr for presidency, Burr Conspiracy (1800,1806)
11. Embargo Act (1807-1809)
12. War of 1812
13. Eli Whitney begins manufacture of cotton gins (1793)
14. NY Stock Exchange (1817)
15. Erie Canal (1817 - 1825)
16. McCulloch v. Maryland (increases power of federal gov), Monroe Doctrine (1819, 1823)
17. Baltimore & Ohio railroad company founded, Baltimore - Washington telegraph line (1830, 1944)
18. Indian Removal Act (1830)
19. Texan independence from Mexico, Texas annexation, War with Mexico (1836, 1845, 1846 - 184
20. Massive immigration of Irish potato famine refugees (1847)
21. Pottawatomie massacre, Secession of South Carolina, formation of Confederacy, Civil War, Emancipation Proclamation, Battle of Gettysburg, Battle of Vicksburg, NY City draft riots, Cold Harbor, Atlanta burns, Wade-Davis Bill, Black Codes, 13th Amendment ratified, Reconstruction (1956-1865)
22. Civil Rights Act (1866)
23. Alaska purchase (1867)
24. Transcontinental railroad completed (1869)
25. Compromise of 1877 (end of Reconstruction)
26. Standard Oil Trust formed, Sherman Antitrust Act (1882, 1890)
27. Hay-Paunceforte Treaty (Panama Canal) (1901)
28. WWI, Selective Service Act, Sedition Act (1917, 191
29. 18th Amendment (Prohibition) (1919 - 1933)
30. 19th Amendment (Women's suffrage) (1920)
31. Immigration quotas enacted (1921)
32. Scopes Monkey trial (1925)
33. WWII, Lend-Lease aid for Britain, Pearl Harbor attacked, Internment of Japanese-Americans, Manhattan Project, D-Day, Allies liberate concentration camps, US drops atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki (1939-1945)
34. House Un-american Activities Committee, McCarthy hearings (1947, 1950)
35. Israel established, NATO established (1948, 1949)
36. Korean War (1950-1953)
37. Brown v. Board of Education, Little Rock school desegregation crisis (1954, 1957)
38. Bay of Pigs, Cuban Missile Crisis, Kennedy assassinated (1961, 1962, 1963)
39. Civil Rights Act (1964)
40. Vietnam War, Counterculture Movement, Neil Armstrong, Woodstock (1964-1965)
41. Medicare begins (1965)
42. Watts race riots, Malcolm X assassinated, Newark & Detroit race riots, Martin Luther King Jr assassinated, Killings at Kent State, Jackson State (1965-1970)
43. Cold War/Detente (1972-1989)
44. Watergate, Nixon impeached/resigned/pardoned (1972, 1974)
45. Roe v. Wade (1973)
46. Three-Mile Island nuclear accident (1979)
47. ERA fails ratification (1982)
48. Iraq Pt.1 (1991)
49. US wins cold war, USSR collapses (1989-1991)
50. 9/11, Afghanistan, Iraq Pt.2 (2001-2003)

Posted by: Jim at 01:33 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Or How Many Pets Can Our Apartment Hold?

Allow me to give you a rundown of our current pet situation, in their order of appearance:

Henk:
5 year old mostly male black cat. Henk thinks he is a dog. More accurately, he thinks he is a puppy. He assaults every visitor with demands to play and pet and allows all forms of abuse from our kids including tail pulling, fur removal, and eye gouging. Henk is the only pet we have that follows instructions that are not accompanied by the opening of a food container.

The Fish:
A half dozen tropical fish in a 3 gallon cheater tank. The fish were a one-up man purchase by my wife as I had set up a nice little 2 gallon tank at my office. The temperature swings in my office let to repeated fish loss. My wife's tank lost 2 to 3 times as many fish because it was a nasty under-gravel setup and she didn't take care of it. When my tank gained enough notoriety that people outside of my department knew of the "Tank of Death" I took it down. At that point my wife stopped caring about her fish and decided that she wouldn't replace any fish that passed on. She stated her intent to put up her tank when they all died off. Since that point over 6 months ago she has not lost a fish.

The Birds:
Two finches. Their cage is strategically located so they can spray me with water when I sit on the love seat in movie watching position. There is no other location in all of our 1300 square foot apartment where the finches can be placed. The finches make finchy noises whenever I am concentrating on writing and during the quiet dialog portion of any movie. The finches belong to my wife. I do not like them.

Apple:
2 year old mostly female tabby cat. This was an anniversary present for my wife. She was concerned that Henk was getting lonely when we went on weekend trips or long days out to the park. She picked out the cutest little kitten and showered love and affection upon it. I ignored the kitten. The kitten grew into a typical cat - evil, secretive, enemy of children and adults without can openers, startled at the drop of a hairball and frightened of all things that move. She also latched onto the only person in the house who never tried to be nice to her. She is my shadow and bosom companion. She doesn't like my wife.

Nicky:
The Easter Bunny brought more than eggs this year. We are now the proud owners of a beagrier. Or maybe that's "terrgle"? Anyway, he's a 5 year old partially male beagle / terrier mutt. It was important to get a dog despite living in an apartment that is already as full as it needs to be and comes with the burden of a $500 non-refundable pet deposit. (PER PET!! And what the heck is up with a non-refundable "deposit"! Back in yankee territory we called that a fee!) I can't recall the reasons that it was important but they were very compelling. They may have included such things as safety in the house for a housewife mom and the irrefutable evidence that kids brought up without a dog are more likely to end their effective lives in a church steeple holding a high powered rifle. Anywho...I know what you're thinking because I was thinking the same thing: "What combination of dogs would create the most hyper and obnoxiously yappy dog possible? Oh, yes! A beagle and a terrier!" Well, we're about as wrong as wrong could be. Nicky (the worst part about adopting a used an adult pet is getting saddled with a lousy pet name) is the calmest canine I have ever met. This dog simply does not get excited. About anything. Food? Okay. Going out for a walk? Whatever. Attacked by psychotic 2 year old? It too shall pass. This dog is so calm that even Apple adapted to him after less than a day. This is the same cat that runs and hides when the finches get too active. The dog did not react when the next door neighbor (with her own dog) came up to the porch to chat. It did not react to our homecoming after it had been alone for several hours. Perhaps Nicky (I can't call him that anymore, it's just too lousy a name for a male dog. I'm going with "Nick" from now on) will regrow some virtual testicles after he has been with us for a longer time and is more comfortable in
his new home. I'll let you know.

Posted by: Jim at 12:48 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 797 words, total size 4 kb.

The Blogathon starts in less than 24 hours. What's a Blogathon? Look here. Although fiscal terror (No, I am NOT okay with my medical copay increasing almost 400%.) prevents me from helping in the best way, don't let my bad example affect you. Support Meryl, Michele and Lair as they try to raise enough donations to buy an ambulance for Magen David Adom. MDA answers 1000 emergency calls a day in support of Israel's Emergency, Medical, Health, Blood and Disaster Services. Help the Blogathonians get them a shiny new ambulance to do it with.

Posted by: Jim at 12:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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