When I catch the son of a bitch who used the hood of my car as a pommel horse or to practice his 'Dukes of Hazard' hoodslide or whatever the fuck he thought he was doing - I'm going to string him up by his thumbs and beat him with a spiked bat like some horror show pinata.

Then I'm going to ask him for $70 bucks to pay the paintless dent repair guy. It's just fucking annoying really.

Posted by: shank at 05:02 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 83 words, total size 1 kb.

Drudge, who gets more pathetic with each passing day, gives us this:

MADONNA WARNS: ALL WILL GO TO HELL IF DON'T TURN FROM WICKED BEHAVIOR

Not much of a story, really. Three lines about the old trollop turned Nostradamus. He also adds, “Developing.” Yeah, you definitely want to keep your eye on that one.

Twenty seconds of my life, gone the way of the dodo.

Mofo.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 03:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 78 words, total size 1 kb.

After reading this I had an inspired idea on how to improve the show Iron Chef America.

Currently, they have three judges. Two are usually food critics of some sort, and the third is usually some minor celebrity. On my version of the show, theyÂ’ll have six judges. Three will be proven food people. The other three? Hobos.

Surely they can find three hobos who can use a hundred bucks and meal. Meanwhile, the entertainment value goes up tenfold. ThereÂ’s no reason why hobos canÂ’t be food critics and just think of the potential. YouÂ’ll have some world class chefs being judged, likely harshly, by bums. Those fragile egos will be put to a serious test.

Maybe they can give the bums each a new suit of clothes, a bath and a shave so that they donÂ’t stink the place up too bad and then let them comment and fill out scorecards like the other judges. It would be interesting and probably hysterically funny to see hobos critique and articulate their views on haute cuisine. IÂ’m telling you, this would be huge, especially if they start hollering and have bad table manners.

The chefs, for theyÂ’re part, will have to satisfy both astute food industry people and the hobos.

Maybe I’m just fascinated by hobos put into close contact with “the beautiful people.” Is that wrong? I mean, it’s not like I’m calling them vagrants or anything.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 03:15 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 241 words, total size 2 kb.

I was in a position to watch a great number of people this weekend, being in a very crowded place, and IÂ’m sorry to report that the incidents of inappropriate attire people don for public display has not lessened.

I witnessed several instances of heavy women wearing low rise jeans or shorts with a skimpy top that bares the midriff. The problem with this particular style of dress on a heavy woman is that when they squeeze into those jeans, the fat gets pushed up and over the waistband creating a “muffin top.” I had no idea there was a specific term for this until my old lady enlightened me whilst pointing one out.

She elaborated.

“The problem is, almost everything is cut to low rise for women nowadays,” she said. “But you have to have a great body to pull off the bare midriff without the muffin top. That’s why a lot of girls wear a top that covers it. As you can see, some people either don’t know or don’t care about the muffin top.”

It was enlightening.

Aside from the muffin tops, I saw a lot of other disturbing attire. Guys wearing Capri pants. I wouldn’t have believed it had I not seen it. Someone needs to explain to me to me how a guy can walk around in Capri pants and not feel like a total dickwad—because the guys I saw looked like total dickwads.

Some people wear what I like to call the “designer costume”. That’s where every piece of clothing they wear has DKNY or Hilfiger stamped all over it. I’m not a fan of obviousness. Guy’s do this more than girls and it makes me cringe.

Then there’s “the juicy chicks.” Women who wear shorts with the word “juicy” written prominently across their ass. While that may work for women in decent shape, the majority of women I saw should really know better than to draw attention to their fat asses by boldly printing slogans across it. Some of these broads could have a whole paragraph written back there. What could they possibly be thinking?

DonÂ’t think IÂ’m against heavy peopleÂ… thatÂ’s not the case at all. IÂ’m against heavy people wearing clothing thatÂ’s clearly inappropriate. If I had a big beer gut, I wouldnÂ’t wear tight fitting shirts or take my shirt off at every available opportunity. For some reason fat guys love to take their shirts off.

On the bright side, I saw a hot chick wearing some kind of spandex, half body suit that fit like a second skin. It was black and red and I didn’t see her until my kid pointed and called out, “There’s Mrs. Incredible!” And that’s exactly what she looked like. Yes, one could say it was inappropriate attire, but at least it didn’t repulse me.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 09:18 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 475 words, total size 3 kb.

The caption contest is complete!

(Click to see the big version.)

Grand Prize: 5 points
Da Plane, Da Plane!
Mo Mo

First runner up: 3 points (selected by the price of tea in China.)
FUCK! That bird just shit in my eye!
The Brat

Second runner up: 2 points (Selected by pirates. Arrrrr!)
The new and improved sneaky eye-pipe-bomb.
pylorns

Third runner up: 1 point (Selected by the duality of man.)
Having criticized her traveling companions for the motes in their eyes, Narjis takes notice the beam in her eye...
Tim Adamec

Posted by: Jim at 06:38 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 98 words, total size 1 kb.

The following post is somewhat strange. It might lack structure, and kind of half-finish some ideas. Consider it a mental jungle gym; join recess and have some fun. That's why I've got comments.

Posted by: shank at 03:22 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 39 words, total size 1 kb.

I miss Bill. His curmudgeonry was legendary, and his absolute contempt for just about everyone around him was an inspiration to the misanthrope community. However, there's something about Bill that he hasn't been telling us. Maybe because he's embarrassed (I know I would be), and maybe because it shows a side of him that others might see as weak. But we're all real people here Bill, and we all have little things about us that make us look stupid.

Below the fold, for the not so faint of heart. more...

Posted by: shank at 11:05 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 129 words, total size 1 kb.

This is your opportunity to complain about the new design and any problems you're having seeing things.

One thing I'll tweak more later is the font situation, but not until I know that everybody can read the blog title and description up there at the top.

Also, Shank and Paul need to decide what they want in the sidebars...I'll make any changes or additions you want.

Posted by: Jennifer at 10:51 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
Post contains 70 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I like the creepy hallway look. But I liked the blackish-grayish thing, too... I'm still not a fan of the "Remember personal info" button NOT remembering my personal info. That's a lot of shit to type in every time I want to comment.

Posted by: jenE at October 13, 2005 12:49 AM (K0Tmz)

2 This looks awesome, I told you she was the queen of MT! Good job Jen!

Posted by: Oorgo at October 13, 2005 01:41 AM (1JIkb)

3 JenE - it remembers my shit? Do you have your security settings on high or something? Jen - the site looks fantastic. Does that 'Search' thing really work? That's pretty cool. Thanks for pimping my ride.

Posted by: shank at October 13, 2005 07:50 AM (+H1yK)

4 Looks great Jen! I'm using IE and I can see everything fine.

Posted by: Jackie at October 13, 2005 08:01 AM (iErNK)

5 I'm using Firefox and it looks great to me. Your talent knows no bounds...

Posted by: Paul at October 13, 2005 08:06 AM (s/IK0)

6 By the way, has anyone noticed that much like at work, I successfully diverted all attention away from my not producing and effectively started a fire drill in someone elses department? It's the secret of my success. I should really write a book.

Posted by: Paul at October 13, 2005 08:08 AM (s/IK0)

7 Speaking of stuff in the sidebars Jen. Can we get a photo of a hot babe in the sidebar? I really like that girl in the blue bikini from the Say Anything Blog ads at Jeff Goldstein's place. Hellooooooo nurse!

Posted by: shank at October 13, 2005 09:26 AM (+H1yK)

8 Yes, Nurse Ratchet would be a fine addition.

Posted by: Jackie at October 13, 2005 10:11 AM (iErNK)

9 Shank, you had the Search button on the old template. I didn't add it.

Posted by: Jennifer at October 13, 2005 11:25 AM (uDrBj)

10 No, my security settings aren't on high. It didn't remember my information before the re-vamp, either. You may remember me bitching about it before. That's okay, though; your little blog is nice enough that I'll continue to read and endlessly pump my information into these damned text boxes. P.S. The overhead lights give this a very Dickensian "mental hospital" feel... I like it.

Posted by: jenE at October 13, 2005 12:13 PM (K0Tmz)

11 Thanks for you support.

Posted by: shank at October 13, 2005 12:41 PM (+H1yK)

12 I've gotta say, I'm getting quite proficient at typing all that crap in! I've been told I'm supportive like a good jock strap...cradle and cup the jewels, but never squeeze them.

Posted by: jenE at October 13, 2005 01:52 PM (K0Tmz)

13 Paul, if you did decide to write a book, you'd divert attention again as the deadline approached... ya freakin' slacker, I've got you figured out now.

Posted by: Ted at October 13, 2005 05:08 PM (+OVgL)

14 What a manipulator eh? And we all fell for it.... 33 comments worth of it.

Posted by: Oorgo at October 13, 2005 06:34 PM (lM0qs)

15 I like it a lot! It suits the blog authors' personalities: slow and creepy. Nah, it looks great, Jen.

Posted by: De at October 14, 2005 11:18 AM (IdVP4)

16 Light's too damn bright. And it don't remember me, neither.

Posted by: Bane at October 14, 2005 11:30 PM (JO5DH)

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Yeah, IÂ’ve got nothing. And to make matters worse, ShankÂ’s been poking me with a stick, albeit subtly, to make something happen. HeÂ’s becoming Col. Parker and I think heÂ’s afraid IÂ’ll die sitting on the toilet like Elvis.

Perhaps I exaggerate. He sent an email saying, “Hey, what’s up?” But I can read between the lines. He’s thinking that fucker hasn’t been producing. Well, I guess I can’t blame him there.

When this type of situation happens in my professional life, IÂ’m full of articulate responses that generate the required effect even if theyÂ’re complete bullshit. Allow me to simulate them here:

Well, Shank, I’m glad to see you’re rallying the team, and it’s quite timely on your part, as I’ve just put together a proposal that I believe will push us over the top. One of my research teams has concluded that the font we’re using currently is not only unappealing, but subliminally conjures the image of complete ineptitude on our part. Furthermore, the blog is an odd color. It’s somewhat black and somewhat gray. It’s floating in the netherworld between these two colors. Again, as you’ll see from their upcoming report, the research team found that among men ages 24-36, 84% found the current background color “half-assed.”

Of women polled from the same age group, 73% found the background to be, in their words, “shitty.” How quickly can we get Design and IT into a meeting about this? Because frankly, I’m getting some calls from the top and I’m not sure how long I can pacify them.

ThatÂ’s what I usually do at work. Here on the blog I canÂ’t really do that. Here, because of my tenuous position, I must write something. If I don't come up with something soon I'll have to start making shit up about other bloggers and post it with feigned indignance.

Who wants to play How Many Beers?

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:10 AM | Comments (33) | Add Comment
Post contains 329 words, total size 2 kb.

Glen Reynolds, of Instapundit fame, posted a link to this article at Global Voices.

I find it interesting, becuase it highlights something about the spirit of blogging. Or at least what it has become for many people. I'd be willing to bet that the vast majority of popular blogs out there are politically oriented sites. As a matter of fact, head over to the Truth Laid Bear and check out the top sites for yourself. I guess what I'm saying is that American bloggers have always been proud of the political power a blog or group of bloggers can harness - just ask Dan Rather, the first person to ever lose his job because of a blogger (as opposed to losing your job because you blog).

Well, this blurb points out that blogging is starting to light fires not just in the States, but in other Internet-embracing nations. It's enbaling not only one's freedom of speech, but allows people to gain massive exposure - worldwide in this case. I mean, how many people hit Glen's site everyday? 170-200 thousand? Every day. And this article got that kind of exposure. Blogging is wack. When people consider the real benefits of the Internet, I'd say one of the top two would have to be communication/freedom of information (the second probably being commerce). But this is what people really mean when they talk about the Internet - the ability to not only say it to everyone, but for anyone to have the ability to hear it and pass it on.

Another thing that presents a completely new issue is tackling how blogging brings us together, if at all. Take for instance, Paul and me. I've never met Paul, never seen a photo of the guy, never even talked to him on the phone. But here we are running this site together. My brother, who doesn't really follow the blogosphere, asked "So do you know this guy?" Technically, I guess I don't know Paul because I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup. But we communicate on a fairly regular basis, and I know things about Paul that probably most people who could pick him out of a lineup would know. So, maybe my brother was using the word "know" in the pre-Information Age sense of the word. Becuase now, in the days of free instant international communication, we can know people without ever knowing who they are. This same concept applies to all the bloggers in the blogroll on the right whom I know but don't know; and who know me without knowing who I am.

Fucking odd huh?

Ancilliary to this relationship peice are the problems resulting from the inability to create tone and inflection in text-based conversations. A great illustration of said problem can be found in the comments here, wherein I think I'm alluding to a long-running joke when I'm actually pissing someone off. I completely failed to correctly inflect or create context, mostly because I couldn't use my voice to intone the remark.

So the Internet allows me to communicate with people all over the globe, contact people in a way that, formerly, was only possible by actually seeing them. Unfortunately in the end, not only do I not know who they are, but I've probably spent half of the time pissing them off.

Posted by: shank at 06:20 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 564 words, total size 4 kb.

UPDATE: Results in the extended entry.

Another post in such a short time might give Victor and Tiffani a heart attack, but I'm willing to take that chance in my vain efforts to get all of you to dance like trained monkeys for me. That's just the sort of selfless fellow I am.

The trivia: What was the little circle doohickey called that you put in the hole of a 45 to play it on a standard record player spindle?

The payoff: 3 points to the person who knows the answer. Some more to the answer than most makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.

The restriction: No searching.*

* I'll do that when I check for the correct answer since I haven't the slightest clue what that thing is called**. Despite the fact that they were an everyday part of my life for two decades.

** Astute readers will interpret this in one of two ways. Either I've recognized this as a cool odd-ball trivia and am taking advantage of it to give out some points or, since I have to look up the correct answer eventually, I'm using the contest thing as a tool in my continual efforts to procrastinate in order to avoid looking up the answer for as long as humanly possible. It's probably a bit of each. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:10 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 312 words, total size 2 kb.

1 We always called 'em 45 adapters.

Posted by: Victor at October 06, 2005 09:48 AM (L3qPK)

2 Spindle adapters was the proper name.

Posted by: Kenny at October 06, 2005 11:10 AM (sVrPB)

3 Thank GAWD for your faithful or I would have been stuck on this question all day. I had nothin'. And, as per my usual, I'm blaming my preggo brain for it, too. It's my story -- and I'm stickin' to it.

Posted by: Margi at October 06, 2005 11:39 AM (nwEQH)

4 I was just getting ready to send a probe out looking for you. If you're going to let work interfere with blogging, I'm telling you now, I'll be pissed. I was begining to think the worst. As the 45 thingy, all I can say is that if you stacked a whole bunch of 45's at once there would be too much slip and it would slow down and the records would sound like shit. Boy, do I miss the excellent sound quality of my living room sized, multi-faceted furniture-like turntable.

Posted by: Paul at October 06, 2005 01:45 PM (vbP6L)

5 It's called a spindle lobe. That was a gay question Jim, and if your sons didn't have such awesome names I'd swear you were a ballet-dancing fruitbooter. What are they called - Hamburger and Bacon or something like that? Chowder and Salsa? I can't remember; but for them, the world would just assume you were an ass spelunker.

Posted by: shank at October 06, 2005 07:11 PM (jfEhX)

6 yay for me!

Posted by: Victor at October 10, 2005 02:24 PM (L3qPK)

7 Yeah,I agree....Wallay had it right as well....why does he not get a point???UNfair game play here........VERY unfair!!!:-P

Posted by: The Brat at October 13, 2005 11:56 AM (oqu5j)

8 "First prize, you get a Caddilac. Second prize, you're fired!" Sorry, no points for second best.

Posted by: Jim at October 13, 2005 01:41 PM (0oF96)

9 You left out the steak kinifes Jim.. Glen Gary Glen Ross As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired!

Posted by: pylorns at October 14, 2005 09:04 AM (FTYER)

10 How could I forget the steak knives!? Two points for pylorns!

Posted by: Jim at October 17, 2005 06:20 AM (oqu5j)

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Bear: Crocodiles are the only living dinosaur.

Bacon: Are they really dinosaurs?

Me: Not quite. But the ancestors of crocodiles lived in the age of the dinosaurs.

Bacon: Oh. But they weren't dragons.

Me: No, definitely not dragons.

Bear: Dragons have poison spit.

Me: I thought they had fiery breath.

Bear: No, Daddy. Those are the story ones. The real ones have poison spit.

Bacon: Yeah. The Komoko dragons.

Me: Oh, right. The saliva of the Komodo dragons have virulent bacteria.

Bear: And if they bite you, you'll be dead in a day.

Bacon: And you have to be careful because they'll spit on you with their poison spit.

Me: Komodo dragons don't really spit. They just have saliva that's very poisonous.

Bear: Yeah, they don't spit poison spit.

Bacon: Oh.

Bear: You're probably thinking of Howard Dean.

I might make politics an off topic at the dinner table.

Posted by: Jim at 01:27 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 153 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Howard Dean. God, I love your kids.

Posted by: songstress7 at October 09, 2005 02:49 AM (0zDjn)

2 Jurassic Park had a poison spitting dino. Gotta love a random Howard Dean joke, though.

Posted by: owlish at October 09, 2005 04:15 PM (bJF7u)

3 LOL!

Posted by: vw bug at October 10, 2005 10:19 AM (mD8Rg)

4 LOL!!!! I needed that laugh!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at October 10, 2005 04:36 PM (ZVEBA)

5 Around the globe you might yourself, except to at least one particular you might the modern world. clarisonic mia best price Sale clarisonic mia best price Sale

Posted by: clarisonic mia best price Sale at November 19, 2012 10:08 AM (y6D1l)

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I rarely bring up politics or world events, but I may have stumbled on to something quite by accident.

From here:

“A man holds a woman by the hand and dances with her in front of everyone. Does that serve the national interest?”

Who gives a shit? Nothing these assholes do serves any real national interests. I think the reason these people are so full of hate is because theyÂ’re not getting laid. TheyÂ’re so repressed by Stone Age beliefs that they probably need to be taught masturbation.

After controversies when a Hamas-led council halted a dance festival and Islamist gunmen stopped a rap band performing in Gaza, Dr Zahar defended the enforcement of a strict interpretation of Islam.

Okay, so theyÂ’re not into hip-hop. I canÂ’t fault their judgment on that, but they need to loosen up. LetÂ’s face it, weÂ’ve seen this all before. Remember Footloose? Kevin Bacon wasnÂ’t having any of that no dancing bullshit, and he taught that town a valuable lesson.

DonÂ’t you think these people want to make out? I mean, if a guyÂ’s got his arm around a chick and heÂ’s trying to get his other hand up under there itÂ’s hard to hold to a rifle. If given a choice between making a bomb or maybe getting to third base with some chick at a party, who the hell would choose the bomb? I think what the majority of these people want is a six pack of beer and a box of rubbers. Kevin Bacon may be the answer to this entire problem.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at 08:39 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 271 words, total size 2 kb.

Added a few blogs to the blogroll becuase I visit them on a daily basis. Firstly A Small Victory. Michele runs an entertaining pop culture joint over there, but don't get her wrong. She used to be a pretty political blogger, and has quite a wit about her. Of the bloggers I'd screw, she'd be one of them. If she weren't married to some stud half her age. What a sexy bitch!

Secondly, Outer Life; a supremely written, interesting blog. The guy brings you right into his mind. If I could communicate like that, I'd have you bitches begging me for more.

Posted by: shank at 07:23 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
Post contains 104 words, total size 1 kb.

I have a feeling that most of the people who come by here don't listen to the same music I do. I don't know why, I could be completely wrong. But in an effort to serve the IntarWeb it's purpose, here are my favorite bands/musicians:

Sublime
O.A.R.
Fiend Without a Face
Classic Jazz - Charlie Parker and Duke Ellington, Dizzie Gillespie, Jellyroll Morton (I'll tell you the story of the phrase 'that Jellyroll Morton shit' sometime, just remind me), even the big band stuff. Mmm-mmm!
Acoustic Syndicate
Less Than Jake

There are a multitude of generes I listen to, and I tried to stay away from them, but I had to add the classic jazz. It's different from modern jazz. Mostly because I hung out with Winton Marsalis one night, and he was a prick. Prick!

Posted by: shank at 07:18 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Sometimes, I wish she'd open her mouth a little more often. No Bane, not for that. You sick bastard. And if you ever even remotely hit on my sister again, I will ekick you in the enuts.

Posted by: shank at 06:50 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 45 words, total size 1 kb.

I spend lots of time at work on the Internet.
I left early today, and I'm not going back tomorrow.
People tell me I do good work, and I don't know why. It's easy.
I'm drinking now, I might stay and close the bar tonight. Tomorrow I sleep like the dead.
I don't like most people. They tend to suck the life out of me.
That's why I like the web. I can talk when I want.
I mainly posted this because I like symmetry.


It's like poetry for people who can't read. No. No it's not. That is stupid. It's like...fuckit; I'll stick to poetry for blind people. Just take it at face value and roll with it. Has anyone seen Bill? He's not really dead is he?

Posted by: shank at 06:10 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 131 words, total size 1 kb.

Jim has posted twice in one day! Granted, it's neither your usual bloggy goodness nor your usual bloggy gayness, but for right now, I'm happy with baby steps.

Posted by: Victor at 03:31 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 34 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Just put one foot in front of the other, And soon you'll be walkin' cross the floor. Just put one foot in front of the other, And soon you'll be walkin' out the door!

Posted by: Jim at October 05, 2005 06:46 PM (tyQ8y)

2 That's from Santa Clause is coming to town. Right? Teaching the Heat Miezer how to walk? Do I get a point?

Posted by: Tiffani at October 06, 2005 09:55 AM (KE4Gu)

3 Right movie, wrong character. It was the Winter Warlock. After his conversion to goodness he was known as Mr. Winter. I think the Heat Mizer was from Rudolph's Shiny New Year. I think the movie is worth a point though. Especially with the clue being buried in the comments of a Victor post.

Posted by: Jim at October 07, 2005 01:08 AM (oqu5j)

4 Yay me... especially since I can't come up with a friggin caption for that other contest!

Posted by: Tiffani at October 07, 2005 09:14 AM (KE4Gu)

5 Hey, Jim, since it's my post, I get to determine points awards. Tiffani should get two points.

Posted by: Victor at October 07, 2005 11:49 AM (L3qPK)

6 I love you Victor!

Posted by: Tiffani at October 07, 2005 12:54 PM (KE4Gu)

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Did Microsoft release Sign Generator XP or something? Get a load of this beauty that's up in front of our office building right now.

Anybody care to posit the two word phrase that would be superior to this verbose and wandering phraseology?

Posted by: Jim at 01:20 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
Post contains 52 words, total size 1 kb.

Write a caption for this picture over at Momo's place. Win fabulous prizes!*

The contest will be open until some time next week. Comment here or over there.

* Best caption gets 5 points with another handful thrown around to the rest of the best.

Posted by: Jim at 05:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 49 words, total size 1 kb.