Here's some holiday linkage for your viewing frightful pleasure.

The 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time
Not a bad roundup - I can agree with most of them. Especially #19, Willy Wonka. You remember that nightmarish boat ride with the psychedelic-LSD-flashback-moving-walls and Willy Wonka spouting out a poem of terror about the Grim Reaper mowing? Yeah, that one. Scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. Best kids movie ever.

The 100 Scariest Holloween Costumes
The Devil Cheerleader is especially frightful. I don't think I could bear to have all of these come up to my door tonight. Oh, wait a second. Lovely Wife will be out with the kids. Bring 'em on!

What's scarier than STDs? I mean besides Michael Moore in a tutu. Nothing! So we'll close out the special Holloween post with some quotes ripped from the sperm coated hand of Condom Man himself: more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:36 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 297 words, total size 2 kb.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Posted by: Jim at 01:56 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 276 words, total size 2 kb.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!

She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 02:04 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 153 words, total size 1 kb.

Neither has he. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:09 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 29 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I always heard it as "have you seen Ray Charles' piano", but it cracks me up nonetheless. I imagine hell is more fun than suspected, if all the jokers are there.

Posted by: LeeAnn at October 22, 2003 10:56 AM (HxCeX)

2 Q. What's it called when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder are playing tennis? A. Endless love

Posted by: Anna at October 22, 2003 01:01 PM (Bzc/g)

3 Booooooo! Hissssss!

Posted by: The Bartender at October 22, 2003 02:01 PM (zShau)

4 it is bad to pick on blind people it could come back on you. and you should respect the dead

Posted by: mazzie 316 at November 14, 2004 07:09 PM (wQknp)

5 If poking fun at people is outlawed then only outlaws will poke fun at people.

Posted by: Jim at November 14, 2004 08:00 PM (GCA5m)

6 I feel that the jokes that were submitted about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder are in bad taste and is a great disrespect to two terrific musical artist. People should find something better to do than to make jokes like that.

Posted by: B. Ifetayo at November 24, 2004 01:29 PM (6krEN)

7 Hey, I joked about midgets too. It's not like I'm only after the visually challenged here.

Posted by: Jim at November 24, 2004 01:31 PM (tyQ8y)

8 Ray Charles has probably seen more than you will ever see in a lifetime. Ignorant remarks, such as the one you made, leave you less able to see than him.

Posted by: Truth at December 10, 2004 02:55 AM (uPDzI)

9 Damn. Now the cigarette Nazis are after me.

Posted by: Jim at December 10, 2004 05:10 AM (GCA5m)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm telling everybody!

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 08:58 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 92 words, total size 1 kb.

Do you poop at work?
How, with such a horrid stench?
Better to suffer.

Do you have a poop haiku? Share it with us!

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 28 words, total size 1 kb.

Many more here.

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 01:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 18 words, total size 1 kb.

HER DIARY

October 15, 2003, - Last night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset? He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. After about 10 minutes he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

10/14/03 - Cubbies lost today, but at least I got laid.

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 06:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
Post contains 300 words, total size 2 kb.