I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Jim, what's happening?" To which I replied:

"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Posted by: Jim at 04:08 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and...Abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

The moral of the story: Men might be jerks, but Fairies are Female.

Posted by: Jim at 12:43 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Pop up this picture and note down the first five thoughts you have. Mine are in the extended entry.

more...

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Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.
 
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I.  She said: "The right name is important."
 
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
 
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
 
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
 
1. Nasti Spumante

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

See Top Five for this and much more. Cool site!

Posted by: Jim at 10:06 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):

65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:

If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.

In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).

67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.

Posted by: Jim at 02:09 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I wonder if it's my mischievous nature or my unparallelled geekitude that makes me grin at stuff like this.

How I met my wife

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pariel like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it" says Roy, "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days pass and finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

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Posted by: Jim at 06:21 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Happy April Fools day. I don't know about you but, I would feel really foolish to wear that costume arround the mall.

Posted by: Stephanie, Daniels_Mommy at April 01, 2004 08:28 AM (zqAaT)

2 We put up the Christmas decorations at work this morning... hln

Posted by: hln at April 01, 2004 08:54 AM (CWwGn)

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