Melissa's been getting worried. I've been so involved in real life that Xibit hasn't had a chance to answer her back and she's been sending mails like there's no tomorrow. Now remember that the last thing we sent her was a mail saying that she needed to send me a picture with people, the car to be pimped and a sign saying "High on SBD". I lost the first two from her during the great mail deletion of 2004. They were pretty unremarkable and both contained a picture of the car without people holding the requisite sign. But she turned it around on the 25th with two identical emails:

From: davidirizarry72@someplace.net

subject: im real

this is me melissa i;m us my brother computer because mine is missed up so here is the picture u whated

The picture that I whated...er...wanted was attached and it was indeed the holy grail of this whole Pimpin' Punk'd theme. A picture of her adorable daughter (and her mens) holding a "High on SBD" sign!

Woo hoo! I rock so much I should require a permit and a variance for the noise ordinances! more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:57 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Or should that be "wimmin"? I guess it should really be "woman" seeing as there's only one.

Got a reply back from Melissa with a photo.

From: Melissa

sorry about that so here is a picture of me its old but still me

Go ahead and click that link up there. She's posing with a cute teddy. Here's Xibit's answer:

u lookin fine, baby. F-I-N-E. fine.

i gots all yo shots togetha an u made the cut on friday. u headin toards a pimp ride fo sure!

we gots one problem tho. unfortunately we been having some fools signin up from anonymous mail hosts (like hotmail). seems people like to just send shit in to us and they tryin to punk us. shit aint even real and shit. now i believe youse real but that donÂ’t fly wit the whole crew (and the dam blood suckin lawyas).

so anyway, me and funk mastah flex worked out a way to make sure people was real. heres what you need to do so we knows you is real. take a picture of you and you mens car. now that donÂ’t tell us that u real. what tell us u real is you need to be holdin a sign that say something specific that we didnÂ’t tell nobody else to use. yo sign needs to be:

“High on SBD”

that donÂ’t mean drugs, yo. sbd the hydraulic lifts we use wit ground effects.

the person in the pic can be u, yo boy or your kids (cause they so cute – the kids are cute that is, not yo boy. he good looking but Xibit doan float that drection). just reply to this mail with that pic and we get you set straight baby.

keep on watchin Pimp My Ride, baby!

Xibit

Also got a new hit from "Kyle" and sent him standard photo request #1 (modified not to ask for a bikini shot). And of course everybody's got the disclaimer too.

So, will I ever get a picture with an SBD sign?

Posted by: Jim at 03:48 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 348 words, total size 2 kb.

From: cheryl

I would love to have a new car, but unfortunately I cannot afford one, but if you can pimp my escort, I would be forever grateful!!
Give a girl from Arkansas a break and pimp my ride.

and

From: Ashley

I would love it if you would put my brother Johnathon Norris on your show because he always says i wanna pimp my ride.

Thank You
Ashley Norris

The mail I'm sending both is fantastically similar, differing only in the details that they've provided. I've decided to go for specific graphical targets. The pictures I'm getting now are useless and it's too much work to keep building up the scam waiting for these brain challenged folk to figure out that this is fake. Instead of that, I want a collection of pictures of people holding up Snooze Button Dreams signs. Now is that a noble goal or what? more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:43 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Melissa wrote back too. Dey jess caint get enuff o this ride pimpin, yo!!

From: Melissa

it taking me a little longer because i can't send u a picture of my mens ride it's not working i'll keep on trying

She would have gotten back to me sooner but she's having some email problems. Damn those Hotmail addresses! She sent me two very large pictures (over 900 KB each). This wouldn't have been too bad except she sent one of them six times. Damn, girl! Lay off my inbox! But in Melissa's defense, I did already determine that she's clueless and I instructed her to send pictures. It doesn't take the Oracle to figure out that this is a recipe for disaster. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:11 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Heathony wrote back again. I think I scared the little guy a bit.

From: Heath

Hey Xibit its my dad (anthony) just that im usein my friends heath e-mail address cause i don't have one k dogg srry for da confusin but ill try gather some hunnies up n send em to ya k

peace out

Now hold on a second here. His dad is Anthony and his friend is Heath. So who the hell is he? I guess he'll remain Heathony for now. What's up with using a friend's Hotmail addy? Did they start charging for these things and nobody told me? Ah, screw it. I'm having fun here. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:04 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Due to popular demand I present Heathony's dad!

What do we know about this fella? Well girls we can be reasonably sure that he's employed. These photos were taken behind Radio Shack and he's wearing a Radio Shack shirt! Either he works there or Heathony got Pops entered into a shirt giveaway at the Shack.

We know that Heathony is very fond of him. That's cool and says good things about his character.

We know that Heathony isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier. That doesn't necessarily reflect on Karate Man himself but you know the old saying about fruit not falling far from the tree and all. Take it under advisement.

He was in the Air Force and that really doesn't tell us a whole lot except he couldn't get into the Navy and that he is very, very lazy.

Ha! I kid. I'm such a kidder. So he's a veteran and that's also very cool.

He has a lot of tattoos. This could indicate gang affiliation or show a predisposition for hepatitis or Aids. Then again he's a veteran so there's every chance in the world that he was never off on a drunken bender getting inked. We'd give mad props for the tats themselves but we can't really see any good looking ones. We'll reserve judgment on this one.

He's a kick boxer and looks to be in pretty decent shape. A bit of the Steven Seagal paunch showing up but otherwise quite solid looking.

From that last picture we see that he keeps his truck very tidy. A clean truck is a sign of an orderly mind (or a disturbed one). Speaking of the truck, he's driving and maintaining a 20 year old vehicle so we know he's frugal (or cheap). Okay, this one's a wash too.

One thing we know for sure is that Karate Man wants you. Yes, you. And he's going to get you too because he is indeed Karate Man. Just look into his eyes. Oh yea, baby. Oh yeah.

Posted by: Jim at 01:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I got an answer back from Anthony. If you're confused about what I'm talking about, click on the category link just above and read the previous entry.

From: Heath

Thax alot Xibit I appreciate for all the that man. Well here are some pics of me and my pops and his beater. My dad is a funny guy and hes a kick bower, he start when he was in the Air Force he was in Tae Kwon Doe is an awesome pop.

Peace Out Bro

XIBIT ur awesome man

Note the name change. Anthony on the comment forms, Heath in the email. I deal with that in my reply to him. He sent four pictures of him and his dad and one beat to hell early 80's Chevy Scottsdale pickup. Now since I can see from the pictures that he's a kid and there's no hotties in there anyway I'm not going to put up the pics he sent*. In fact I was just going to forget about this ruse since he's a teenager and there's not exactly a huge amount of challenge in messing with a teen's brain...until he did it again. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:52 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 You have to figure out how to include your incredile ethnic slang abilities on your resume! It's not right that you can write like that...

Posted by: Clancy at June 14, 2004 10:36 AM (EGVPL)

2 I'd like to get a glimpse of Karate Pop....my virtual playgirl calender needs updating!

Posted by: Susie at June 14, 2004 12:09 PM (H6K2w)

3 Fish in barrel, meet Jim. This is classic.

Posted by: LeeAnn at June 15, 2004 09:06 PM (HxCeX)

4 Xibit, u are the greatest thing that has ever happened to nature, I am now finally crazy about you . Go on my big bro! i love you! please pimp me my body soul and spirit!!!

Posted by: oluyede olufemi at November 21, 2004 11:27 AM (Xdq4B)

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For whatever reason, this post keeps attracting people who think they'll get their cars worked on if they leave comments on it. Go on, take a look. It's a single line post pointing elsewhere. I've commented specifically that I've got nothing to do with the Pimp My Ride show. They keep coming:

Name: Anthony

Whazzup Xibit, Hey I really like whatching the number 1 show Pimp My Ride it's da graetest. But anyways this message is for my dad because I really look up to him and he means alot to me, because he is always there to help me out and I would like to give him something in return by having you guys pimp out his old beaten down truck and make it into a really pimpin' machine. I'd really appreciate it so if you could write me back on how to enter. Peace out Dogg ( by the way we live in Wisconsin) Awesome show keep it up.

Now the ones before could conceivably be borderline functional. Maybe I hadn't been specific enough in my statement that I wasn't the ride pimper. Anthony has no excuses so he's going to be my first bitch. Hey, if I'm a pimp then I need bitches, right? Here's what I sent Anthony:

Subject: We wanna pimp yo ride!

Wazzup An-tone! Got your request askin how to enter. Surprise! You're already entered, bro. Took care of that for ya. In fact, you're one of the randomly selected finalists, how you like that?

The next step for you is to send in the graphx. We need pix of your Dads and his ride. We can do serious magic but we need the right ingredients, see what I'm sayin? Just reply to this email and attach a clear pic of the truck and another of your pop.

If the truck passes the eyeball test you go into the pot for final selection. If Dads don't have the teevee look we might need to pass on him. It's fo shizzle that you and Dads are tight but we're talkin ratings and all, yo. If he doesn't pass muster do you have a chica who could stand in as the truck 'owner'? Send in the pix on her too.

(Just a side note from me to you, bro - hot pants and halter tops go a long way towards 'winnin' this thang. Caint be a pimp ride wit no bitches, see what I'm sayin.)

Thanks fo watchin Pimp My Ride, bro. Keep it real!

Xibit

Posted by: Jim at 11:40 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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