The semifinals are over. Results of the second elimination series are:

Doppel-G (9)
Gee (2)
G-Spot (
Moondoggie (10)
Moose (0)
Squirrel (1)
Gorney Huy (1)
G-Willikers (1)
That Guy (1)
Why Not (1)

That means that "Doppel-G" and "Moondoggie" will compete against the first round winners "G-Whiz" and "G-Muse" to determine for once and for all what G's nickname will be!

Good luck and may the best name win.

Posted by: Jim at 11:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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First step, pick a kid friendly name, like The Wiggles. Do not pick a name that stands for terrorizing children.

We took Pooh Bear and two ninjas to a costume ball at a local mall yesterday. It was a one hour concert by a kids' band followed by a costume contest. The band was pretty good. They were high energy and got the kids, especially the little ones, dancing and participating in the music. Something bothered me about the band name though.

They were called "The Bugaboos". At first hearing it this sounds like a cute name. It's got "bug" in there and bugs are pretty popular with kids. They don't understand that "bug" also means "cockroach", "fire ant" and "black widow". For kids, "bug" means "daddy longlegs", "lady bug" and "cricket". But "bugaboo" sat wrong with me. I've got a fairly decent vocabulary but I couldn't think of specifically why it bothered me but it certainly did.

When we got home (none of our munchkins won the contest - it was rigged) I looked up "bugaboo" at Miriam Webster and found the definition:

1 : an imaginary object of fear
2 : BUGBEAR 2; also : something that causes fear or distress out of proportion to its importance

Yup, they named their band after the boogeyman. I seriously doubt that they intended to make their band name synonymous with childhood horror but that's where they ended up.

Moral of the story: When you pick a name for your band, go ahead and verify that it doesn't mean the exact opposite of what you are going for. When in doubt, use the Band Name Generator. Then again, Billy Manlove and the Amazing Hamster System might not be the best name for a kids' band either. Unless you're a priest.

Posted by: Jim at 07:46 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Daylight Savings Time,
Oh, Daylight Savings Time,
You suck.

Warning: Vulgarity ahead. more...

Posted by: Jim at 06:57 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Y'all thought that Kevin Bacon was the most connected actor in all Hollywood? After all there's that whole "6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon" thing. Nay, nay, Fluffy. The truth is that the coveted spot is occupied by the one and only Rod Steiger who, despite having 119 films under his belt, is most famous for causing people to scratch their heads in consternation wondering "Who the hell is Rod Steiger?"

Steiger has an average separation of 2.651939. That is, there are about 2.65 degrees of separation between Steiger and any off-hand actor. Bacon has an average separation of a staggering 2.941131! That puts Kevin 1221 places out of first for best center of the Hollywood Universe.

This and other myths of the Hollyverse exposed by The Oracle of Bacon at Virgina.

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 10:24 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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So this morning I opened up the old email and had 3, count them 3, spam mails for spam blocking programs. There's just something fundamentally wrong with this marketing approach. It's like a kevlar manufacturer drumming up business by walking around and shooting people.

Normally I delete spam faster than it can register (Spambayes filters the crap out into my "Delete me, I am an intrusive mass marketing email" folder where I summarily dismiss it after a cursory glance at the subject field) but one of these anti-spam spams happened to be the first in the folder so I got a look at it in time to halt my fingers in their automatic pressing of shift-delete. Here's the jewel that caught my attention:

Description:

The Most Powerful, Effective & Intelligent ANTI-SPAM BLOCKING program EVER!
Automatically cleans spam messages out of your mailbox before you receive or read them!

Anti-spam blocking?

Do they even proof this crap before subjecting the world to their drivel? Spam blocking software would block spam. Anti-spam software would work against spam. Anti-spam blocking means that their software works against techniques to block spam. In other words they are saying "Use our product to make sure that all of the spam sent to you gets around any spam blocking systems you have in place."

Retards.

Posted by: Jim at 06:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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No, that's not true at all. I love to say "I told you so". I lurve to say it. It's one of my all time favorite phrases.

Rejoice my brothers and sisters in arms. Straight from the horse's mouth, the pronunciation is crik.

Yes, it's spelled "creek" and the crEk pronunciation is also correct. The point is that crik is valid too.

To all of you people who throughout my entire life have told me that saying crik was colloquial and incorrect: The line to kiss my ass forms to the right. One at a time please and no cutting.

Posted by: Jim at 07:38 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 "Yup, Boomer" Billy Bob said, chewing his straw into his cheek. "This here is a right good fishin'-hole." "Uh-uh, Billy Bob." Boomer daintily replies. "This here ain't no fishin' hole. This here is a crick." "Ah, yup." replies the dashing Billy Bob. "A crick it is, a right purty one. And I'm fixin' to pee in it." The South. Oozing with elegance.

Posted by: H at October 21, 2003 10:45 AM (mefTt)

2 Helen, I'm from the bay area in California. We say 'crick' too.

Posted by: Ted at October 21, 2003 03:14 PM (bov8n)

3 And my "crick" originates from Western New York. Hah!

Posted by: Jim at October 21, 2003 03:27 PM (fkewd)

4 I don't mean to call you out, but um, there are 2 ways of pronouncing that word. You even supplied the evidence.... - try this link: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/audio.pl?creek001.wav=creek btw - I usually say crick too. It just depends on the company I'm with. I guess you could say I'm a reformed or recovering redneck.

Posted by: Clancy at October 22, 2003 01:11 PM (EGVPL)

5 Yup, that's what I was trying to say. There are two proper ways to say it. For the past thirtysomething years I've been castigated for pronouncing it "crick" when that is actually an acceptable pronunciation.

Posted by: Jim at October 22, 2003 01:41 PM (IOwam)

6 "And no cutting..." Is biting okay?

Posted by: Stevie at October 23, 2003 04:31 AM (TJwrL)

7 I just want to say that most modern dictionaries function as descriptive linguistic tools. That means they show the popular usage and pronunciation of words. Seems obvious? Well, the alternative is prescriptive linguistics which takes the right or wrong position on things and might suggest that one pronunciation is correct while the other is not. If you're looking for a prescriptive judgment on the pronunciation of a word, most dictionaries will not offer it to you. Cutting to the chase, just because Merriam Webster says it, just means that, yes, there are people out there who say it either way.

Posted by: Trey Givens at October 27, 2003 10:34 AM (yaMs/)

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The first round of the Great G Name Contest has concluded. Results:

G-Whiz (7)
G-Muse (7)
G-Stringer (3)
G-Riffic (4)
Golly-G (0)
Spot (5)
Zone (0)
Wingman (3)
Giblet (3)
Goober (1)

The second semi-final poll has been posted. The top two here (G-Whiz and G-Muse) will compete with the top two from the new poll in the final poll to saddle G with a nickname.

Let your voice be heard! Vote early and often!

Posted by: Jim at 09:23 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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We went to the park yesterday. The kids gather stones to throw into the crick (Yes, Lovely Wife, the term is "crick" and you will have to do more than withold favors to get me to utter that profanity of normalcy "creek". It's been "crick" since I was a wee lad on Aunt Evelyn's farm and "crick" it shall remain until my dying days. And I will polute our childrens' vocabulary with this anachronistic styling if it's the last thing I do. It is one of my missions in life.) and the canine does his best to add flavor to every tree, bush, fallen stick and clump of grass in the forest. more...

Posted by: Jim at 07:36 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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The alarm didn't go off this morning. Actually I can't guarantee that - it's possible that it went off and I turned it off and fell asleep instead of getting out of bed. It didn't go off because the alarm switch was firmly in the "off" position. So even if I didn't screw up this morning and turn it off then go back to sleep it's still my fault for not turning it on last night. That really blows because I'd like to blame this morning on somebody else.

Normally it wouldn't be a big problem if the alarm didn't go off. I usually wake up at around 3:50 and stare at the alarm clock until 4:00 hits and it lets off its piercing (and quickly silenced) bleat. That happens when I go to bed on time, anyway. Last night, due to some nocturnal activities that don't need to be spelled out and will resurface later in this diatribical self flaggelation, I went to bed late. This morning I woke up with that self congratulatory sensation of "Ah, I woke up naturally. I shall now turn over and gaze fondly at the digital countdown as it marches its way towards my assigned time of arrisal." more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:33 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Contrary to whatever I was thinking, Pollhost offers 10 options in a poll, not 20. Guess they don't go in for "California balloting". I can't get the 20 finalists down to 10 by myself (I lack that degree of determinalistic confidence) so we'll do two rounds of semi-finalists and then a Grand Pubah of Polls, Winner Takes All final round.

The first set of ten options is up now in the sidebar to the right. Go forth and vote!

References:
My original plea for help
The Culling of the Herd

Posted by: Jim at 11:59 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Fantastic feedback on a new name for G. In fact, too much and too fantastic. We'll poll to see what G's new name will be but I needed to pare down the field a bit. If one of your suggestions is in the recycle bin here don't take it as an insult. I still appreciate your effort, it's just that you obviously don't love me enough. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I've got a problem. My primary source of humor content and obscure insight is feeling slighted. You see, I have witty and clever aliases for the people in my life when I write about them in my blog. There's Lovely Wife and the boys (Bear, Bacon and Burger), Lil Bro, etc. But G is just "G". Yesterday he left a comment here and signed it "Mysterious" G and I ragged on him for it. He's not at all mysterious and I teased him that he was being a little bit self-aggrandizing taking a moniker like that.

Well, I could tell that he was hurt by my wicked barbs and that he feels slighted to have only an initial when everybody else has a nickname. He posted another comment and signed it only "G" and you can feel the disappointment dripping off of it.

People, we must keep G happy! As he supplies better than 80% of the decent content on this site his happiness is of critical import. I must come up with a nickname for G!

But I've got a problem there. The basic reason that I use "G" is because I don't have a nickname for him. The last nickname he had was G-Dog but that was back in the mid to late 90's and it is just too dated. I need something new and fresh and maybe even appropriate (although I'm not married to that last one) and I can't think of a damned thing. I know him too well and for all the years I've known him I've only thought of him by his name. Even G-Dog was an appelation given to him by my old housemate E-Dog. And this is why you must come up with a nickname for G.

I'd say that I want to go for quality over quantity but that's not strictly true. Quantity has benefits too, not the least of which is better odds on getting at least a couple humorous suggestions. Please give this subject a serious bit of thought (at least 5 to 15 seconds) and leave your suggested nicknames in the comments.

Depending on the number of responses I might do a poll for the winning nick and give away fabulous prizes*.

I thank you, the soon to be renamed G thanks you, The Snooze itself thanks you.

Update: And no sour cream references, please. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:15 PM | Comments (17) | Add Comment
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1 - "Your Delta brother name is.... Flounder." - "Why?" - "WHY NOT?!" http://www.tigersweat.com/movies/animal/house10.wav

Posted by: Mike the Marine at October 09, 2003 03:42 PM (IOX+E)

2 G-muse. (Seems appropriate as he is your inspiration.) "G-muse helps le'Snooze to A-muse".

Posted by: MojoMark at October 09, 2003 04:20 PM (E+LQu)

3 I was going to suggest G-Stringer, but I like Mike's suggestion better. Call him "Whynot".....

Posted by: Susie at October 09, 2003 05:05 PM (0+cMc)

4 G-Riffic!

Posted by: Mookie at October 09, 2003 08:50 PM (2sKfR)

5 G-Whiz? G-Man? Golly-G? G-zus? (sorry) Heh.

Posted by: margi at October 09, 2003 10:12 PM (4jrV0)

6 String. Or Spot. Maybe even Zone.

Posted by: Simon at October 09, 2003 10:24 PM (GWTmv)

7 Tonto Zorro Wingman Goose (Maverick's wingman in Top Gun) Bullwinkle Stan (Stan Laurel of 'Laurel and Hardy') Elwood (Elwood Blues of the Blues Brothers) ...you get the idea...

Posted by: anon at October 09, 2003 11:08 PM (9oTDV)

8 Does it have to start with G? If so: Giblet, Goober, and Grolsch come to mind (we all like beer, after all). Otherwise, I'm with: Wondertwin, Doppel-G, Weeble (cause he wobbles but he won't fall down) and That Guy.

Posted by: H at October 10, 2003 01:16 AM (k78uM)

9 I see G'Man has been takin, lets see.. Gee No He must be the G-SPOT.. yepp thats it, he brings great pleasure to these forums, and to its readers.. G-Spot is a must. I vote for G-Spot

Posted by: Jefferey McDowell at October 10, 2003 02:32 AM (rQXSE)

10 Don't have a nickname for you, but welcome to the world of MT.

Posted by: Jeff at October 10, 2003 08:19 AM (iqt2S)

11 I like the above mentioned G'Whiz or Moondoggie

Posted by: The Bartender at October 10, 2003 08:30 AM (fhaHp)

12 I think Jim may have been overstating thing just a bit. I put 'Mysterious' on the first post only because I have never posted here before... marking the revelation of my actual existence for all. Since I represent an unknown entitiy and am therefore an enigma, I used mysterious. After my first post, I didn't feel nearly as mysterious, so I simply used G. Go figure. I don't know how comfortable I am with Jim reporting the actual statistics that so much of this content comes from the twisted annals of my tortured psyche. I get the strange feeling that this will one day be used to build a case for having me confined to an institution. Either way... I vote for 'The Man'. It seems appropriate. :-)

Posted by: G at October 10, 2003 08:37 AM (IOwam)

13 G: 1) I'm not crediting you, I'm preparing my own defense. I've seen Asplundh trucks in the neighborhood and we all know that they are the eyes and ears of the vast government conspiracy. 2) Of course I'm overstating things, that's the whole point of this blog! ;-) 3) It's "annals" of your tortured psyche, not "anals". Don't worry, I fixed your post so nobody will ever know about that little Freudian slip. Except whoever reads this comment, of course. Everybody Else: Fantastic! Loads of great ones here. I think a poll is in order. We'll give a couple days for the stragglers to sound off (and because I don't have any time to set up a poll today). I might have to take one of these for my own nom-de-guerre. I could really go for "Moondoggie". I have a thing for Annette Funicello and Sally Fields and that name brings it all back. That's the young Annette and Sally, of course, not the withered harridans they have become.

Posted by: Jim at October 10, 2003 09:46 AM (IOwam)

14 Gosh 'n Golly Buffalo Bob. Goofy Moose or Squirrel Gorney Huy

Posted by: Beth Donovan at October 11, 2003 10:17 AM (igCu1)

15 G-Diddy? G-your blog smells terrific? G-Zuss H. Christ?

Posted by: Stevie at October 11, 2003 08:53 PM (o36gw)

16 Jumping on the bandwagon late (as usual)...how about G-Willikers (Mr. Wilson!) Jeeves (It SOUNDS right) He-be-G (be) Hmmm...or not.

Posted by: LittleA at October 12, 2003 06:59 PM (SRPrU)

17 You can call him anything you want as long as you dont call him "Late For Dinner".

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 09:43 PM (77+mi)

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"You can't beat that with a stick."

Yes you can. You can beat anything with a stick. And for most things a stick beating has a definite effect.

Go ahead, try to think of something that I can't beat with a stick. And let me warn you, if you go for something metaphysical or allegorical or hypothetical I am going to whack the shit out of it with my metaphysical, allegorical, hypothetical stick.

The point is that there was a perfectly good phrase: "You can't beat that."

Simple, to the point, clear meaning. You can't beat that. That can't be bested. This thing I'm talking about is the best. See? It worked.

Then somebody (probably the same jackhole that came up with "eXtreme") decided that the best wasn't enough. We need better than best. Not "you can't beat that". Oh no, that's not enough. We need "you can't beat that, not even with a stick."

It's clever, see? A play on "beat". First we mean "do better than" and then we add that second "beat" for a physical beating component. Well, no. It's not especially clever. It's pretty moronic. The two just don't go together. The original was never meant in a physical sense so adding the bastard addition does nothing but confuse the intent of the phrase.

But then the original and the addition were folded together. "You can't beat that with a stick." No more separation to show the intended play on "beat". Now it's either a blatant literal falsity or a tangenital impossibility, depending on the subject of the phrase. It doesn't mean anything anymore.

It's not clever. It's stupid. Stop using it. Stop encouraging idiocy in my beloved language. What's next? "You can't beat that with an eXtreme stick"?

Oh, the horror. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:25 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Slow, deep breaths, Jim. You'll be okay. And hey, it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, right?

Posted by: G at October 10, 2003 08:31 AM (IOwam)

2 Do you read Terry Pratchett? He did a riff on this about a bar's name.... The Broken Drum (you can't beat it) The Mended Drum (you can be beaten)

Posted by: Robert at October 13, 2003 04:16 PM (EaaGn)

3 Not only are you obsessive and anal retentive but you are also tangenital, which is one of the best typos I've seen in a while.

Posted by: triticale at October 13, 2003 10:01 PM (77+mi)

4 That's no typo. One of my life goals is to completely subborn that word in common usage. Help me with my evil plot and you will be greatly rewarded in the afterworld.

Posted by: Jim at October 14, 2003 09:49 AM (IOwam)

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Just when I think that there's nothing to write about, the boys' preschool comes through for me. They're having a fundraiser now and instead of pizza kits or cookies they're offering selections from a catalog of inspirational materials. My jaw dropped and my fingers started itching to type when i saw the Bibleman collectible Action Figures. You just can't make this stuff up, folks.

The Bibleman Theme Song
(With my apologies to the webbed one.)

Bibleman, Bibleman
Rosary in his hand
Spouting verse, benedictions
Watching o'er congregations

Look out!
Here comes the Bibleman

Is he wise? Listen hun,
He's as good as Solomon
Can he run confessional?
Like a true professional

Look out!
There goes the Bibleman

When Satan rears his head
And there's danger to the flock
He's there to break the bread
In his cassock and a frock

Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' your soul, Why? Because he must
Bibleman, Bibleman
Savin' immortality, yeah, In God we trust

Look out!
Mortal life is just parole
Cause heaven is his goal
That's right, he's Bibleman!

Posted by: Jim at 07:28 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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There are nine different ways to pronounce 'ough' in English, each exemplified in this sentence:

"A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

(Hat tip G)

Posted by: Jim at 02:01 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 Many people leave out "hiccough". Glad to see you didn't make that critical error.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at October 03, 2003 06:25 PM (jtW2s)

2 But isn't the "ough" in "hiccough" the same as "thoughtful"? Or is there a pronunciation I'm not hearing? Go 'head, try and describe the sound! I dare ya!!!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 03, 2003 11:14 PM (YLs7C)

3 Oh wait, nevermind. ;\

Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 03, 2003 11:16 PM (YLs7C)

4 The combination ough can be pronounced in fourteen different ways: 1. awe: thought, bought, fought, brought, ought, sought, nought, wrought 2. uff: enough, rough, tough, slough, Clough, chough 3. ooh: through, slough 4. oh: though, although, dough, doughnut, broughm, Ough, furlough, Greenough, thorough 5. off: cough, trough 6. ow: bough, plough, sough 7. ou: drought, doughty, Stoughton 8. uh: Scarborough, borough, thorough (alt), thoroughbred, Macdonough, Poughkeepsie 9. up: hiccoughed 10. oth: trough (alt) 11. ock: lough, hough 12. oc[h] (aspirated): lough 13. ahf: Gough 14. og: Coughlin (also #5) The following sentence contains them all: Rough-coated(2), dough-faced(4), thoughtful(1) ploughman(6) John Gough(13) strode through(3) the streets of Loughborough(2+ ; after falling into a slough(2) on Coughlin(14) road near the lough(12) (dry due to drought)(7), he coughed(5) and hiccoughed(9), then checked his horse's houghs(11)and washed up in a trough(10).

Posted by: Pixy Misa at October 04, 2003 09:21 AM (jtW2s)

5 Wait a sec, isn't lough pronounced like "low" (opposite of "high") also? That would be yet another pronunciation.

Posted by: Jim at October 04, 2003 10:12 AM (fkewd)

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It's Friday but where's Johnny with my Cheese? I'm just going to go ahead and answer the questions that were posted to the board - they're most likely the ones that would be in the Cheddar X this week.

Where would you be if you were in a band?
Some dive bar where we'd be lucky to make $20 plus booze for each set. I have no musical ability whatsoever and I have to assume that any band that would have me in it would be so desperately bad that a great set for them would be one where they didn't get thrown off the stage.

Who do you support in Mapwar I, the Mappist Coalition (Snooze Button Dreams) or the Fairy Defamation League (Everyday Stranger)?
Hmmm...this is a tough one. After due consideration I must throw my support behind me. There's just no way I could give that support to a fairy killer.

There has recently been quite a bit of exposure regarding biased reporting from Iraq. Is it the responsibility of the news agencies to report good news as well as bad news?
No, it isn't. News agencies are either state run or they are corporations. If it's state run then its only responsibility is to spew the correct propaganda. If it is a corporation then its duty is to provide the consumer with the product that they wish to purchase. Generally speaking, death, misery and freakishness sell and that's what I expect from broadcast and print news sources. It's also why I don't watch broadcast news or subscribe to a newspaper. I get my news online where I can select varied sources that I believe represent a full spectrum of what's happening out there. That being said, I believe that the major news organizations will begin putting more human interest and success in Iraq stories out because the public has let them know that they want to hear these things. Demand and supply, that's all there is to it.

What should the age of consent be and why?
In an ideal world there shouldn't be any defined age of consent. People mature at different ages and different stages. There shouldn't be an automatic ability to drive at 16, vote and screw at 18, and drink at 21. Some people are ready earlier and some are ready later. Let people qualify for restricted activities through testing and proof of maturity.

Are you a Stealth Blogger? That is, do you let the people in your life know you blog? If so, why? If not, why not?
The only people in my life that know I'm a blogger are G and Lil Bro. G actually reads the blog; I don't know if Lil Bro does. I'm not hiding my blog - I use my real name, real location, etc - but I'm not promoting it to friends and family either.

NJ has just passed a law banning people from driving while drowsy. Do you think that this will be effective in preventing accidents, or just another law that will fall by the wayside after a few years?
It won't have any affect whatsoever, just like laws about cellphone use, eating, whatever. It is already illegal to drive under diminished capacity and if you get into an accident because of your diminished capacity then you will be judged at fault. This is just another redundant law that will further clutter up the books.

What is the best book that you have ever read? What made it such an excellent book?
A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin. This is beyond any shadow of a doubt the more detailed and entrancing tale I've ever read. Martin makes it come alive to such an extent that there were certain times that I had to put it down and walk away from it to process everything and settle down from the story.

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