According to my nifty program that tracks how long I've been cigarette free I have been off of the cancer sticks for two months, two days, 1 hour and 35 minutes. That's 1241 cigarettes not smoked, saving $195.38.

What I want to know is, where the hell is my $195.38?

I want my money!

POINTS: Be the first person to name the inspiration for this post title and pick up a quick 3 points. No searches, please.

Posted by: Jim at 01:07 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Not just any iron, either. One of those fancy Oreck cordless irons. Retail is $129.95 but you can get it for one shitload less at Lovely Wife's auction.

We bought the Oreck vacuum a few months ago and Lovely Wife loves it. The bags are a bit expensive but it does everything they say it does. It came with a little canister vac that gets used a lot and this iron that got used exactly once (just to make sure that it worked when we received the shipment). She's already got an iron that she likes so this has just been sitting there lonely and unused.

So adopt an iron today!

Posted by: Jim at 03:55 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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They're annoying fuzzy beasts. They puke on the carpet right next to the linoleum. They won't come when you want them to and when you want them to leave they won't go away. We have two of them living with us.

Henk is our primary cat. He's named after The Godfather. Yeah, the one who showed me the joys of firing fully automatic weapons. Similar personality. Henk the cat works out his agression by walking over your food and chewing on your hair. Even though his front slashers are gone he is still the boss of you, the other cat and both dogs. In fact, he was raised by dogs and we think this is what warped his personality.

Apple is our secondary cat. She was a birthday present to Lovely Wife a couple years ago and she was supposed to be a companion for Henk while we went out and about. At first she only liked me but in the past year or so she's come around to Lovely Wife too. She still doesn't like the kids. She is a traditional cat-style cat. As you can see in the picture below, she couldn't possibly care less that I need to use the computer. Would you try to move her? Me either. I have a PDA now.

Yeah, they're annoying and a pain in the ass sometimes. They're not the most trainable pet, that's for sure. Then again when a cat comes up to you and rubs on you looking for some lovin it's not because you told him to, it's because he wants to. There's something to be said for that.

Posted by: Jim at 11:00 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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James Lileks asks how to get rid of knives:

A question: how do you get rid of knives? I have three old knives that couldn’t cut through a month old banana, and they’re from a set we no longer use. You can’t throw them out – they poke through the bag and stab the trashman, and I suspect he’s angry at me already. (Every week! I come up with more trash! It never ends!) You can’t drop them in a dumpster.. You can’t drive down by the creek and throw them out the window. Well, you can, and if you roll your window up fast enough you may not hear a jogger shouting SON OF A BITCH! but I don’t advise it.

No, you get knives, youÂ’re stuck.

Knives are easy. You just put them inside old Tupperware. You want to know what is virtually impossible to throw away? A garbage can!

I spent three months trying to throw out a particular garbage can. I ended up cutting it into little pieces with a sawz-all. You just can't discard an essentially intact can. What are you going to do? Put a sign that says "Garbage" on it? Tried that. After you smack yourself in the head you can then try variations like "Please discard", "Take can", "Can is garbage". After a month or so of this stilted speech style note writing you'll tape a veritable letter written in regular English politely requesting that the garbage men please take the can itself. It will be impossible for anybody to misinterpret your intent to discard the can. If they read the note. Which they will not do.

Maybe you could get one of those huge bags they have for Christmas trees. If the can is physically inside a garbage bag that just might do it. Otherwise just chop the bitch up. If it's metal just pound it down into a man-hole cover.

Don't forget to put your old knives in the bottom before you collapse that sucker.

Posted by: Jim at 09:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This disjointed stream of my consciousness courtesy of Ilyka who's recognition of my brilliance far exceeds my own. Slightly edited for comprehensibility.

Master and Commander was decent. Russel Crowe was wasted [in the role]. Movie sucked compared to Horatio Hornblower movies.

Putting on Matrix III. Out of beer. Moving to wine.

Pray for me.

(almost wrote "prey for me". is that prophetic or what?)

Bad...very oh so bad...failing...wasn't wine...it was...PINK CHAMPAGNE!!!

Neo...want him to die so the movie will end...how much time left? Oh, Lord no!

Where is Trinity in leather?

Vinyl even?

What the fuck? Link is some sort of major character?

Oh the humanity! All the cool characters suck now! ALL OF THEM!

Even Mr.Smith!!

I cry softly into my chapagne...

More later...if possible...

My kingdom for a homicidal albino

[fade to black]

Warning to Roger Ebert: Jimmy's in the house!

Posted by: Jim at 03:01 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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On April 2 I put up a Petition Online petition for moderate Muslims to show that they are against terrorism. Three full weeks later there is a single signature.

A lot of people would see this as discouraging. One person in twenty-one days is not a fantastic average after all. A lot of people would question just why it is that there aren't more signatures on something so intrinsically correct. I mean there are tens of thousands of signatures on petitions to "save Michael Jackson". There are way more Muslims than MJ fans in the US and terrorism is a far more important topic than whether Mike dribbled Jesus Juice on his youthful guests.

I'm not discouraged. Even though it's only one signature, it IS a signature. A person who has enough faith in his humanity to speak it regardless of what his religious guides seem to be saying.

I want to personally thank Khalifa Al-Boinin for signing the petition against terrorism. I hope you will soon be joined by others that share your faith and convictions. If not, I'm still very happy that you made the choice to make your feelings known. (And if you are a female, my apologies for the gender errors. No insult intended, I'm just unfamiliar with Arabic naming conventions.)

Posted by: Jim at 02:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is how the cookie crumbles. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:53 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Just north of Taccoa is the little town of Lavonia. This is one of those little places where the town square is occupied by the Mason's building and the gun store. Where the supermarket is called "Lavonia Food". Where the roadside food includes "Latino's" (it was their grand opening) and a nameless shack proudly featuring "Meat Stew and Sandwiches!" (If you have to ask what kind of meat, you can't afford to eat it.) Just outside of Lavonia is Lake Hartwell. Unlike many bodies of water in Georgia that are somewhat less than advertised (see "Yellow River", which I have personally stepped - not hopped - over), Lake Hartwell is of a significant size to actually be called a Lake even by a hard to please ex-Great Lakes Yankee like myself. Lake Hartwell is the focus of our story.

I took the boys up to Lake Hartwell for the weekend. "All three?!" you exclaim in sympathetic fright. Yes, all three. "When you say 'I took' do you mean that Lovely Wife did not accompany you?!" you further interrogate me. That is precisely what I meant. No Lovely Wife in attendance. And please calm down, you're getting me terribly excited with all of those exclamations. more...

Posted by: Jim at 04:33 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Warning: This post is

But now I'm thinking about the phrase itself. "I don't give a flying fuck." That's pretty freaking vulgar, right? I mean, it's got the most commonplace and pedantic cuss word in the world in there, plus flying. Okay, so it's not as vulgar as it appears at first. Still, it's a pretty potent exclamation of disdain. The Allwords dictionary defines the idiom as Not to care about something; not to give a damn about something.

But why? I mean...it depends upon a "flying fuck" being something so worthless and inconsequential that the target of the phrase is practically nonexistent by comparison. It's along the same lines as "I wouldn't give a plugged nickel", if you see what I mean. So a flying fuck has to be roughly equivalent to a plugged nickel in value (that is, completely worthless, bordering on being a burden) to pull off this phrase.

So what exactly is a flying fuck? After a bit of research I've discovered that it is sex on horseback. Sex on horseback, y'all! The etymology of the phrase indicates that it originates with this (not work safe) broadside ballad entitled "New Feats of Horsemanship".

Okay, y'all need to help me out now. I don't get it. That looks pretty freaking cool to me! Any dissenters? Any chicks out there who think that riding the stallion while riding a stallion is of completely negligible value? Any guys out there who think riding in the saddle while riding on the saddle is a totally worthless experience? Hell no! I'm putting this shit on my list of things to do before I croak.

So this phrase is now ruined for me forevermore because I can never leave well enough alone. For me English is a scab that must be constantly picked.

(But at least I've got that broadside ballad now. Anybody know the tune to go along with it?)

Posted by: Jim at 02:23 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
Post contains 405 words, total size 3 kb.

I'm just busier than a co-op cashier on food stamp day. I've got two actual story-type posts brewing but will get a maximum of one out today. Let me know if you'd rather hear about my camping expedition with all three boys (and no Lovely Wife) over the weekend or yesterday's adventures in jury duty.

While y'all are waiting for actual content here, head on over to Spirit of America and toss em a buck or two. Every little bit helps our Marines overseas to make a difference through projects that THEY personally started.

Posted by: Jim at 08:38 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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There are two gray doves that spend their springs and summers at our place. They are calm and peaceful, hardly even walking away when you approach them. They don't even fly off when you're mowing the lawn, they just hop out of your path. We hadn't seen them this year at all until yesterday when Lovely Wife found one. It had been attacked by a cat. Its right wing was snapped at the pinion and it had wounds to its neck and belly. We wrapped it up to immobilize the broken wing and we put it in protective custody overnight.

(Click for supah size)

Lovely Wife called all over creation to find a place that would help it instead of euthanizing it. She brought it to the doc this morning. It's bad enough that these feral cats abuse my car. It's bad enough that they are a menace to my dogs. Now they are (literally) killing off the ambiance of our woodland home. No more mister nice guy. Lovely Wife checked and it's legal to trap and/or destroy feral cats here.

It's time to get biblical on those cats. I'm talking Old Testament.

Posted by: Jim at 01:23 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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This one transcends stupid, blows right past inane and lodges firmly inside rectal oddity. (That means it's a piece of crap.)

Life is like riding a bicycle. You only fall off if you stop peddling.

Where to begin? First, everybody knows by now that any simile of life will be compared to "life is like a box of chocolates" and if it can't stand up against that Gumpism then it should not be used.

Second, there are shitloads of ways to fall off of a bike even if you keep pedaling. You could get pushed. You might hit a stop sign or a utility pole. You might get creamed by a semi. You might just run into a bit of tightly strung piano wire across your path. Hey, it happens. Thusly the simile fails right at that point but we'll not stop there as it also fails on the other side of the equation.

Thirdly, any moron can stop peddling without falling off of their bike. It's called putting your foot down. It's the normal and accepted manner of stopping a bike. It's instinctive. Or how about coasting? If you are at speed, going downhill or maybe trying to not go faster (anybody ever hear of braking?) you most definitely are not pedaling and yet, surprise of surprises, you are generally not falling off of the bike.

Fourthly, what the fuck is falling off of your life? Yeah, simile isn't supposed to be a literal transitive but I can't even figure out a metaphorical one for this winner.

We've got guests in this week. I am so freaking embarrassed for my company.

Posted by: Jim at 10:14 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Thanks to Paul at Sanity's Edge I am now a legally ordained minister! That's correct, I may now be adressed as the Right Reverend Jim Peacock. Or maybe the Center-with-a-little-right-tilt Reverend would be more accurate.

I can now legally perform weddings, baptisms, blessings, sacrifices, excommunications, you name it! In fact, I can do almost anything except circumcision. That's okay though as I'm morally opposed to the ritual mutilation of children anyway.

Pixy has gone ahead and taken the plunge too. A brace of ministers make Munuviana one of the holiest blog communities out there. Can I call for a blogcrusade yet?

Posted by: Jim at 04:53 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I've been angry lately. Moody. Pissed at stupid little things. My temper seems to grow a hairsbreadth shorter each day and I don't see when i'm losing it until it's lost. The other day after dinner I took the boys upstairs to clean the playroom. They did their usual "Don't wanna" routine and instead of teasing and joking and making it a fun thing like I normally do I yelled at them to clean up. I was like a boot camp drill instructor.

This morning I was writing a note to somebody. Can't tell you much about it yet except that he's one hell of a guy and the note I was writing got way more patriotic and emotional than I first intended. I just started crying. Like a baby. Tears are still coursing down my face right now and I can't stop them.

I'm pretty sure that I know what is screwing with my head so much lately. I am so fucking furious that I'm losing my grip. Every day I read about another atrocity committed by my own countrymen simply to promote their twisted agenda. In the past week I've seen a woman openly speculate that one of the men murdered, burned and paraded around Falluja might have been a nazi. Not that she had any proof or anything but simply because it suited her agenda to vilify a murdered American. I saw the woman who pointed out that perfidity attacked simply for saying "Hey, it's wrong to do that". I read a story of a small group of American soldiers who barely escaped a compound with their lives. They made a courageous 20 hour stand against completely overwhelming forces while protecting assets and non-combatants. A true act of unmitigated courage and dedication. But I cannot find this story on any news site. I can't find any story like it on any news site. I read about a student in Savannah who was suspended from school. A gang of kids invaded his school and attacked him in the cafeteria and he committed the crime of defending himself. Zero Tolerance to violence means you are not allowed to be a victim either.

And it's not just those stories. Those are just the snowflakes on the tip of the iceberg. It's all around. Every day. It doesn't stop. Ever.

I just want to stand up in the middle of a crowd and scream out "Can't you morons get a fucking clue? Can't you just use some common sense? Can't you stifle your fucking private agenda long enough to remember what being a human fucking being was like?"

And I think "Oh, God dammit, how am I going to protect my kids from these people?"

And I start crying again.

Posted by: Jim at 08:02 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 I'm feeling ya, Jim. I have no answers, babe; but when *I feel like that, I take a break from 24-7 all news all the time and hug my boys. My husband. Feel the calming simplicity of a purring kitten on my lap. It only FEELS pointless. (hug) You know where I am if you need me.

Posted by: Emma at April 10, 2004 08:07 AM (kpNlZ)

2 What's wrong with you? You're suffering from a complaint known as well-adjustment ... in short you have enough common sense to know right from wrong and enough humanity to find little joy in the world today. There is no cure I'm afraid, but the symptons can be suppressed by taking a moment, counting your blessings and making a promise that, no matter what the obstacles, your kids will grow up to share your sense of decency, your commendable moral outlook and your obvious intelligence... but with a little luck the cow sucking thing will skip a generation Now quit sniffling and get on with it.

Posted by: Rob at April 10, 2004 08:17 AM (BWDMP)

3 Yeah, these people have really been getting on my nerves lately. Some days I want to scream "STOP THAT YOU IDIOTS!" and other days I just want to bang heads together. Since I can't really do either on a sufficiently large scale, I'm devoting my efforts to MuNu as a bastion of reason and civility... And corny jokes, of course.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at April 10, 2004 09:09 AM (+S1Ft)

4 http://www.subservientchicken.com/ This is what you need

Posted by: sid at April 10, 2004 09:27 AM (6P7Tz)

5 Protect your kids from these people? Say rather, "How am I going to prevent my kids from becoming these people?" There's a massive campaign in progress to transform every young person in America into "these people." It starts even before they enter school, though the schools are the worst and most visible link in the chain. It destroys the rational faculty and implants undeserved guilt so deep in the psyche that the price of questioning it is a nervous breakdown. The surge in conservative student organizations on college campuses is a hopeful sign, but you'll note how ruthlessly the powers that be work to swat them down. The Left's orthodoxy is totalitarian; it's a church outside whose walls there can be no salvation. We near a crisis point. How matters will fall out cannot be predicted. Remain vigilant.

Posted by: Francis W. Porretto at April 10, 2004 11:44 AM (MzH7h)

6 The nicotine made you do it. As its final revenge for being forced out of your body, it's making you a bear around loved (and unloved) ones. I take my revenge out on a holly bush that keeps growing back in the front yard. *hugs*

Posted by: Tiffany at April 10, 2004 01:31 PM (rDyup)

7 I've been wanting to write a post for weeks titled, "It's the Hate, Stupid." But every time I try to I get all worked up as you describe here and I can't word it clearly.

Posted by: ilyka at April 10, 2004 02:23 PM (F5mfc)

8 [hands Jim a beer and clinks own bottle against it] Just keep being the example. Your kids will be fine.

Posted by: Harvey at April 10, 2004 07:51 PM (ubhj8)

9 A very wise person left this in my comments the other day. "There are times when I just want to delete my browser and ignore the world." - Pixy Misa

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at April 10, 2004 11:05 PM (4819r)

10 Thank you all for your comments and wishes. I took Emma's advice right off this morning and spent the day throwing sticks into a lake for the dog to fetch or laughing at the boys making a mud machine (because there's not enough mud down by the lake, you know). The only thing I figured out today was how to finagle the leashes so Nicky (our original dog, who will take off for a day if ever the leash is slipped) could run around a bit. I'm feeling much better. Tomorrow will be another non-thought family catharctic day. I'll be back Monday to carry on the battle for reason. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at April 11, 2004 12:08 AM (saeHM)

11 These backwards days: black is white, day is night, wrong is right. No kidding, take a walk by yourself through a cemetary, read the stones. It puts the insanity in perspective. It's all over in a blink.

Posted by: M!ke at April 11, 2004 02:37 AM (1lM+b)

12 Whenever I read letters from soldiers in Iraq, my fears are usually placated. The soldiers understand their mission and they have done an excellent job of finding and eliminating the bad guys. Perhaps that is another reason why Iraq is not another Vietnam. The politicians have learned to leave the soldiering to the soldiers. That we never get the story straight over here is of little consequence. And in a nutshell, thatÂ’s how I deal with all the moron news. I look for the sliver of truth that hides in it and I pray that the other rational, intelligent people hear and see it too. And I sometimes totally ignore the news too knowing that itÂ’s only gonna piss me off. :-) And Francis has a point. The three people you need to worry about are at home. Do the right thing there, and you have done the right thing for society.

Posted by: Clancy at April 11, 2004 09:57 AM (lgXbK)

13 I was beginning to think it was just me - and that sucks ass because I am usually the last bastion of reason around my neighborhood. My normal routine is to watch the news while I get ready for work each day. I can no longer tolerate that without turning into a raving lunatic. Lately, I find myself cursing while I drive, bursting into tears at the least little frustration, and wishing bedtime was earlier and earlier so I could just block it all out. I'm beginning to think I need a very long vacation. On a positive note, I've thus far managed to keep my kids (one of whom graduates next year) from turning into communists/looters by pointing out the absurdity of every last idiot on the left. Verbal Fisking. That's the ticket. And constant hugs don't hurt either. Keep on keepin' on.

Posted by: Suzanne at April 11, 2004 12:55 PM (DZQ0I)

14 Well good to know that you tell me those things and I don't have to go onto a fucking weblog on monday mornings to read about it. Or wait...its probably not for real again,right?

Posted by: NSLWRN at April 12, 2004 07:55 AM (saeHM)

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The tongue must be heavy indeed; so few can hold it.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

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I get these things constantly. Email messages from corporate servers telling me that my message was not delivered because it was infected with a virus and that I am a scumbag and that women are secretly turned off by my exceptionally shapely nipples. I know that they are incorrect on the nipples - I mean just look at the activity on that nipple post! Yowza! I'm pretty sure that I'm not a scumbag either. I know my older brother was one and I'm about as unlike him as possible so that's gotta make me some sort of anti-scumbag or something. I am also damn bloody sure that I did not send anybody a virus.

We've got antivirus at the provider level, at our mail exchanger level and at the local desktop level. I don't use the preview pane in Outlook. I don't open anything that anybody sends me unless I know exactly what it is. I don't download anything (excluding nudes and pictures of kittens of course). My non-work email also has anti-virus at the mail server level and we've got anti-virus software at home that Lovely Wife updates religiously.

So why do I keep getting messages saying I've sent out a virus? Why do I keep getting emails returned to me that I didn't send in the first place? It's because I'm being spoofed. And that leads me to the entire point of this post: this Security Watch article by Robert Vamosi. It's concise, no big words, semi-entertaining, and explains spoofing far better than I could. Go give it a read. What? You don't have 3 minutes to spare? Humor me.

Posted by: Jim at 07:57 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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We have a bottle of Pert Plus "Fresh" in the shower. I guess it was on sale or something and Lovely Wife picked it up. Being the inquisitive fellow that I am I of course gave it a gander. It has a refreshing 2-in-1 formula that is enhanced with a natural cooling ingredient you can feel. It's our coolest experience for lively hair! Well, what's not to like about that? Shampoo and conditioner in one - that alone will save me at least 15 to 20 seconds. And a natural cooling ingredient that I can feel? Why that does indeed sound like the coolest experience for my lively hair!

So of course I tried it. It lathered up quite nicely and as I was working my finger magic I started to feel it. A little tingle. A bit more tingle. A distinctive coolness, like when you dunk your head in a rain barrel on the hottest day of summer. Oh, what a cool experience! Truth in advertising and a product that worked, who'd a thunk it?

A whiff of the scent coming off of my head revealed how they did it. Eucalyptus...nice touch. A bit of menthol in the shampoo and you've got a whole new bathing experience. Gimme that koala juice, baby. I'm loving it.

And then I rinsed the shampoo from my head and realized in a grand hurry why it is not a good thing to have menthol in your shampoo. You see, shampoo is used on your hair which, for most people, is located on the top of their head. Just south of the top of your head is your face and smack dab in the middle of your face you have eye balls. Eye balls and mentholatum do not mix well. Not well at all, buster.

My eyes were closed and that is the only reason that I can see well enough to type this missive. I felt the chilling burn of menthol rinsing down my face, covering my eyes and face. I immediately felt the burn in the soft sensitive exposed parts - the corners and along the lid. And it was getting worse by the moment.

I frantically scrubbed my face with soap, trying in vain to get the napalm off. As anybody any guy who has used IcyHot can attest, menthol does not wash off of skin (think hands) well enough to allow the handling of sensitive body parts (think penis). The same rule applies to menthol that is on your eyelids and face - you can't wash it off enough to open your eyes with confidence.

Eventually I had to stop washing my face and get out of the shower. As soon as my eyes cracked open the slightest bit they were assailed by the burning fumes impregnated in the skin around them. The burning, the watering, blurry vision and pain lasted for an eternity, like the very fires of hell that await Michael Moore a good fifteen minutes as I stumbled blind through my morning ablutions.

In summary I cannot in good faith recommend this product. Although it does clean and condition as advertised, the side effects are too eerily reminiscent of coating the inside of your eyeballs with Vicks Vaporub unpleasant.

Posted by: Jim at 01:10 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Quite a few of the blogs I read regularly have questioned why there is no grand hue and cry from the muslim community against the actions of al-Quaeda, Hammas, and other hardline fundamentalist Islamic terrorist groups. I mself was curious about it and asked one of my muslim coworkers. She said that the average muslim is as horrified as everybody else at what these people do in the name of their religion but the majority of Islamic organizations are not run by average muslims. She compared it to the Catholic priest/pedophile thing. Catholic churches and organizations tied to the Catholic church were not the voices heard screaming about these abuses. That is simply because they take their lead from Rome. In a similar fashion the Islamic mosques and organizations here are tied very closely with sources in the Middle East. Many are directly dependent upon funding from those sources or were started by those sources or simply take their cues from those sources.

I countered that you heard plenty of Catholics quoted with their opinions on pedophile priests. She counter-countered that the same happens when moderate muslims are quoted. The problem is that they generally aren't approached and the ones that try to get heard just aren't. Single voices aren't heard and the organizations that could be heard aren't talking.

The answer seems pretty clear-cut to me. Get those single voices grouped up so they can tell the groups that are supposed to be speaking for them what they want them to say. To that end I've started up a petition to help. Muslims Against Terrorism is pretty simple. It defines terrorism, rejects it, rejects people who support it and rejects fundamentalist proponents of it. It asks that Islamic groups do likewise.

Please do me a favor (maybe do all of us a favor) and spread the word. Either link to this post or link to the petition itself at http://www.petitiononline.com/islxterr/petition.html and let people know it's out there.

Posted by: Jim at 11:05 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Many people have a problem with April Fools Day. For the most part it's because they see April Fools pranks as juvenile, cruel and stupid. Boy are they right (for the most part). The problem with most April Fool jokes is that they just aren't funny. The object is not to "get" somebody, it is to craft a unique and unexpected situation that the victim reacts to and ultimately appreciates. There are no points for playing a joke on somebody who either doesn't get it or doesn't appreciate it. That's just being inane or cruel, depending on what you do.

A proper prank takes planning and build-up. It should wash over the victim in distinct stages:

1. Victim encounters prank and suffers a moment of total confusion. The changes to their environment do not match what is expected and they have to pull out of autopilot and react with intentional reason.


2. Victim undergoes brief but severe disorientation. Realization that the expected environment is not there has reached the reasoning centers. Perhaps the victim looks around - is he in the right location? Did he make a wrong turn or somehow enter the wrong office?


3. The victim gets a spike of anger, fear, loss, humiliation or other negative emotion. As he realizes that the environment truly is altered and no simple mistake on his part can explain it away he'll suffer one or more negative emotions. Which emotion is suffered depends on what the specific prank was and how his personality reacts to the changed environment. Knowledge of the victim is very important in order to evoke acceptable negative emotions. People react to things differently and you need to have a good idea of how the victim will react. If a negative emotion is too strong or misplaced or simply not one the victim can handle then the humor has turned into cruelty at this point.


4. The victim feels immense relief as he realizes that the changed environment was the result of external intentional influence (a prank) and that his original environment has truly not been compromised in a harmful fashion. Coming from the negative feeling in the last step this can be an actual euphoric sensation. This is where many pranks fail miserably. If there is no reference for the victim to catch to realize he's been pranked he's stuck in the negative emotion above. If that lasts for any serious length of time there will be no emotional recovery when the prank is revealed.


5. The victim enjoys the humorous aspect of the prank played upon him. This stage works much better when the prankers are there to share it with the victim. Smiles and guffaws are passed around with "Man, you really got me" and "Oh, you should have seen the look on your face!", etceteras. If the joke doesn't bring the victim to this stage then it wasn't a joke.

Posted by: Jim at 10:17 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
Post contains 1081 words, total size 6 kb.

Since they insist on continuing to put up fantastically lousy sayings on the welcome board I've made Bad Sayings an actual post category. With such regular fodder for my acidic wit I'd be a fool to let such an opportunity pass by. Today's tragedy is:

Excuses are the nails to build a house of failure.

My first thought after reading this as I came in this morning (okay, my second thought - right after "what the fuck?") was "what do they use for the boards to build a house of failure?" This was followed quickly by "if the house of failure is a functional house then is it really a failure at all?"

I like that second question (okay, third if you count the "what the fuck?" as a question). I mean, if it keeps the rain off then how can you call it a failure? And if it doesn't keep the rain off you can fix it really fast just by making up a couple of excuses. Leaky roof? "I was caught in traffic." Bang, bang, bang, all fixed. Door falling off? "The vendor never called back." Bang, bang, bang, door is rehung.

If they wanted to use a good saying to denigrate excuses they should have used the old tried and true one:

Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one and they usually stink.

(Half credit to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 08:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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