July 31, 2004

Dog Soldiers

Let me preface this by saying that I love werewolf movies. Dopple-G hates them - they absolutely terrify him, and not in a good way. I freaking love them. I love werewolf mythology too. Canines are my favorite pet and wolves are by far my favorite wild animal. It's important that you know this background as it could color my review.

Let me also say that my very own chocolate lab just tried to kill me. I was walking to the computer to type this, beer in my hand. The evil creature intercepted me in the dining room, cutting directly across my path. I skillfully adjusted my beer to prevent foulage and stepped off to my right foot. Just past the point of no return the crafty beast turned in between my legs and to the right, neatly turning my ankle and sending me to the floor. I'm happy to report that I managed to throw my left knee out far enough that I could piston my beer hand and prevent bottle corruption and massive beer loss. Not that it matters a lot seeing as that particular carpet is getting cleaned tomorrow but it's the effort that counts.

And yes, my ankle hurts like a mother. It's important that you know this as it could color my review.

Dog Soldiers was a good movie. I mean good overall, not just as a horror movie. The acting was actually really good all around with the exception of that loser who played Captain Ryan the Special Forces jackass.

As far as horror movies go it was pretty standard. I didn't actually get scared at all during the movie but that's pretty much the way of things since Alfred Hitchcock died.

It did well for the spook-at-shadows afterward score. I thought it was going to be a non-register there as I'll normally get a crawly feeling while taking a piss with my back to the closed shower and I didn't get that at all from this movie. However, I just walked the dogs and when we got to the dark part of the street (my house is the ONLY house on my street with a street light) and Kota turned towards the woods and stopped dead and growled deep in her throat I nearly shit myself. Wait a second...lemme check here...yeah, that spooked the shit right out of me.

I recommend this movie for anybody who likes a "last man standing" pick-em-off-style movie, werewolves, general monster, armed conflict, small engagement army or general spooky popcorn movie.

My only major beef (excuse the pun - you'll see what I mean in a second) was a scene in the beginning of the film when the platoon of soldiers is at their campsite and a dead cow gets thrown on their campfire. They seem reassured and business as usual when they discover that the cow died of a natural attack (teeth and claws). Cows that die of natural causes do not generally launch themselves into your campfire. The entire troop should have freaked at this point because unless they missed a cherry picker or catapult in close proximity to the camp there's no realistic human way to hurl a cow into a campfire.

Except for that and the loser actor playing Cpt.Ryan a standard suspension of disbelief should pull you through this one.

Addendum. Sgt.Wells had all of the best lines in this movie and there were a bunch. Top three (all by Wells) were:

I am not breaking radio silence just cos' you lot got spooked by a dead flying fucking cow. (Part of the stupid cow scene described above.)

If we do happen to make contact, I expect nothing less than gratuitous violence from the lot of ya. (Gratuitous violence quotes are my favorite.)

We are now up against live, hostile targets. So, if Little Red Riding Hood should show up with a bazooka and a bad attitude, I expect you to chin the bitch. (I've always despised Little Red.)

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July 30, 2004

Hellboy

My apologies but this is only a 3 beer review. Hens' Night was late starting and the kids kept interrupting so I didn't get into a decent swilling tempo until the last half hour or so.

Hellboy is decent. It could have been much better. It could also have been much worse. Characterizations were pretty poor and they assumed the viewer knew a lot of backstory that wasn't presented. Unfortunately I don't know that backstory so the movie suffered.

That chick that made out with Buffy in that movie a few years ago about rich mean college students was looking pretty good. She kept speaking though and that's really not her forte. They teased hard on the nudity at the end but failed to deliver and that pissed me off a bit (yeah, like she'd really be wearing a tube top in winter in Moscow).

Overall I'd give it a go as a rental. It's a one-timer though, I wouldn't bother watching it again.

Posted by: Jim at 11:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Beer...check. DVDs...check. Hen night...check.

Coming soon to a blog near you: Drunken Movie Critique

Tonight's selections include Hell Boy and Dog Soldiers. That's right Susie, I'm finally watching Dog Soldiers. Woof woof!

Posted by: Jim at 08:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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You know what pisses me off?

A full bladder and the sound of running water.

Seriously though, an email saying just how great the last release of our software was and how a record low number of bugs have been reported in the field despite the fact that this release involved a monstrous rewrite of three critical program modules and how the 140 systems already purchased and installed make this the most successful incremental release in the history of the product.

That pisses me off. That makes me want to go up to the Pres and walk him through the base logic involved here and ask him just what the hell he was smoking when he decided to eliminate the Quality Assurance position for our product.

I can't do that though. His goons would pound me.

(Okay, he doesn't really have any goons. That I know of. I still can't do it though because I would not be able to hold my temper in and I've still got a paycheck here for the indeterminate future. Also, our Product Architect has already done that with the result that QA is being eliminated. If I tried it he'd probably figure it a good idea to whack all of Development.)

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NPR pissed me off again

Okay, it wasn't actually NPR that pissed me off. More precisely, this particular thing I'm about to relate to you wasn't NPR's fault, I just heard about it while listening to NPR. To set the matter perfectly straight, NPR generally pisses me off at a low grade level. I had a spike of pissedoffedness this morning whilst driving to work with NPR on and yes it was on NPR but it wasn't a part of NPR's programming. Okay, it was sort of part of their programming in the sense that anything you hear broadcast by NPR is part of their programming. This was an announcement, not a newsie bit. So there it is - an announcement (actually two) that I heard on NPR really pissed me off today. What were they? Well let me tell you.

Before and after program segments (that's actual "shows" I mean; as noted above anything they broadcast is technically part of their programming) this advertisement free station has advertising. They read off the name of the segment's sponsor or a general sponsor and give a quick blurb. As advertising goes it's pretty low key stuff but it pisses me off that they claim to be advertisement free while doing ads every 10 minutes just like everybody else.

Anyway, two sponsors that were plugged are what has me really pissed off. The first was the Department of Housing and Urban Development. HUD sponsors National Public Radio. What the fuck does NPR have to do with Housing and Urban Development? HUD is completely funded by our taxes and their only responsibility is to put roofs over people's heads. What the fuck is HUD doing giving money to private interests? That was MY MONEY! If I want to contribute to NPR then that's my business. It is not the business of a dedicated government department to take my money and give it to NPR.

The second was the Gwinnett County School System. WHAT?!? The Gwinnett County school system submits a budget to the county. The county looks it over, axes some books and classes and teachers and then hands a pile of money (including mine) to the school system. The school system then gives away a chunk of it to National Public Radio.

That goes beyond pissing me off. The County and the School System never EVER stop crying about budget constraints and lack of funding and they are giving money away to a radio station. School programs get cut, teachers have to buy their own damned markers and kids spend their days in butler buildings instead of actual classrooms and they are giving the fucking money away!

Where's my damned copy of Robert's Rules? I need to brush up for the next school board meeting. Any locals might want to keep an eye on the Gwinnett blotter 'cause this is going to get ugly.

Posted by: Jim at 07:51 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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July 29, 2004

I like my faggots a bit rare.

From Helen comes a delightfully British item about the Doody family. Seems they've just been named The Faggot Family of Britain.

A West Midlands family is playing a central role in the quest to raise the profile of ... faggots.

The Doody family from Wolverhampton has been crowned The Faggot Family in a national competition, and to kick off their reign they will launch National Faggot Week.

"...all too often the faggot is left off [the national] list," said Janet Doody.

Her husband Fred added: "It's unfair because faggots were British ... long before any of the others.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

Some little known facts:

  1. Faggots were called "savoury ducks" in the Middle Ages

  2. Faggots were named after the Latin word for bundle

  3. Fans have published the Good Faggot Guide

Posted by: Jim at 01:04 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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July 27, 2004

The Silence of the Lambs

Well it wasn't a lamb, or even the traditional donkey. The piñata (notice the squiggly line over the 'n' there - am I good or what?) at the party on Saturday was a watermelon; sort of a meloñata. It wasn't just any watermelon either. It was a gargantuan watermelon filled to the brim with useless plastic trinkits, geejaws, whatsits and enough concentrated sugar treats to choke Oprah.

The cheap cardboard blindfold that came with the meloñata failed early. The other parents there had a problem with using Lovely Wife's leather blindfold (comes with matching ball gag) so we just had the kids close their eyes. more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:55 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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July 24, 2004

I got an early birthday present

My job won't be ending at the end of the month. It will be ending...um...sometime else.

My neighbor in the MegaCube is the product architect for the software I work on. He's also the defacto head of our half of Development since we are still without a vice president on our side of the building*. He has been procrastinating a bit with submitting my termination paperwork. Well I guess you could say he's been procrastinating a lot with handing that paperwork in seeing as he's had it for the better part of two months. Seems he had a plan in case I didn't find another job in time.

At an offsite managers' meeting yesterday he requested and received an extension for my position. I'll have a job until they actually hire a new programmer. As there is no serious contender in the pipeline at the moment I've got at least a couple of weeks of continued employment.

Today's party will be much more festive now.

Posted by: Jim at 12:40 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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July 23, 2004

Happy Birthday Bear


(Click for super-celebration size.)

The big guy is 5 today!

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July 22, 2004

Our house is a very, very, very fine house

We actually do have pictures of it, too. Lovely Wife took a bunch a few weeks ago. Only problem is they are just after we moved in and stuff is everywhere. Due to some problems (Dell sucks) with Lovely Wife's laptop (hard drive crapping out after less than a year) I've been using the old monster desktop PC (it works just like a regular computer, only slower). This has the side benefit of being the computer that's attached to the base unit of the digital camera. The one-touch Kodak digital camera. I was out of excuses to procrastinate about taking pictures.

I took a bunch last night but they're not ready to post yet. I am not what you would call a professional grade (or really even 'acceptable' grade) photographer so most of these need some digital assistance before they'll be usable. Little things like compensating for Jim forgetting to turn on any lights and things like that. I actually don't have time to do that at the moment as I'm trying to get enough work accomplished to take tomorrow off.

In the meantime I threw together a quick diagram showing our house's layout. You can't see where we live yet but now you can at least imagine it. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:40 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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July 21, 2004

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel...

... True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

Due to some problems with Lovely Wife's laptop I've been to sleep a bit late the past couple of nights. This morning I woke with that pain in the head that clearly stated "You have not slept long enough, go back to bed", which I of course ignored seeing as this is a workday.

I was stumbling about through a mockery of my morning routine when I spied Henk, our sexy main cat.

Do you see how cruelly he teases me? Now that is a professional. (click for mondo size)

POINTS: Caption this picture. The best three captioners will get points (5, 3 & 1 respectively). Contest runs to some time on Friday.

MORE POINTS: 6 points to the first person who correctly attributes the post title without searching.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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July 20, 2004

I smell pretty, oh so pretty

Damn, do I smell good today. I'm not talking just a little good. I mean I smell freaking good. I am seriously afraid to go near any of my female coworkers for fear that they might not be able to control their baser instincts and I can't afford any more torn clothing.

Yeah, that's how good I smell.

I think a little background is in order. Two things I'll never compromise on are toilet paper and my bath bar. I want a TP that is strong and soft and can quickly and efficiently scrape the shit from by butt crack but do it with the softness of a newly slaughtered baby bunny rabbit. My bath bar must leave my skin in a non-dry state and have me not smelling like a flower or a chemical. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:09 AM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
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July 16, 2004

It's party time

Next Saturday (the 24th) we're having a housewarming party. We'll have the grill going with burgers and dogs at 2:00. We're asking people to bring a side item with them (side dish, snack, soda, beer, etc).

Kids are very welcome. It's doubling as Bear's 5th birthday party so there will be games and a wading pool, sprinkler and fun stuff like that.

Please let me know by next Wednesday or so if you're coming and how many people you're bringing so I'll have an idea of how much beef and bun to get. (Yes my vegetarian friends, I'm planning on getting veggie meats too. Just let me know how hungry you'll be for soyburgers and/or fauxages.)

An RSVP also gets you directions to the lovely party location in Lawrenceville, GA.

We sure hope y'all can make it!

Posted by: Jim at 02:37 PM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
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Auntie Em! It's a twister!

Well it wasn't a twister but there was a twister warning. We spent a couple of hours in the hallway Wednesday evening because there was a tornado warning in our area. That's the only area of the house without at least one window.

We locked the doors so little fingers wouldn't "accidentally" open them, gathered pillows and a couple toys and had ourselves a little floor party. I made sure the boys didn't get concerned while Lovely Wife watched the newscast.

Some funnels were seen in neighboring counties but nothing near us. Still, it was good to go through a practice run. It made Lovely Wife fell better to do it and it was a learning experience for the boys. Plus it would seriously have sucked if a twister did hit and we had ignored the warning.

Some thoughts on our (not) nearly death defying encounter with a (non-existent) twister:

  • It's really weird when the Doppler radar shows the darkest red evil violence right over your house and you look outside where it is as calm as a graveyard.

  • Explaining a tornado to kids aged 2, 3, and 4 is not easy.

  • Explaining a tornado warning is even harder.

  • The hallway gets hot really quickly when all of us are in it.

  • I left the scotch on top of the fridge. What was I thinking?

  • It really sucks that our wireless isn't working yet. Damn you Comcast!

  • It's odd what can lead to rekindling your love of Legos.

  • No matter how big she is a chocolate lab will still get underneath the bed when she needs to.

Posted by: Jim at 01:13 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Thoughts of a sleepy mind

I can't get the dead horse off of me until the alarm goes off again.
Our bedroom is really dark this early.
Ouch. The laundry basket could have been in a better place.
I wish the fan didn't come on with the bathroom light.
Damn, that fan is loud.
Look at the time. I hit the snooze three times. That can't be good.
Where the hell are the dog collars? Sorry bud, you'll have to wait for Momma.
That's not enough returns on my job searches.
My resume is smoking, my cover letter is professional. What's the problem?
Fuck professional. New cover letter today.
Need to get some more points out before my blogiversary.
Coffee.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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July 14, 2004

Atkins friendly ice cream!

What's the most Atkins friendly food out there? Why, meat of course! How can we cut the nasty carbs from our favorite frozen treat? The Japanese have found the secret. Instead of high sugar items like fruit or chocolate, use ground up animals!

Two great tastes that taste great together. Raw horse and vanilla. Mmmmmm. Or maybe some oyster ice cream? Talk about intersting consistency - you can't get much more unique than a frozen oyster.

Thanks, Trey! I almost vomited!

Posted by: Jim at 02:12 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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