Thanks to the Welbutrin there wasn't any shaking or unbearable fits. Lots of lung cookies as the ol' breath bags tried to clean themselves out.

I did have some moody periods this morning. Until the mail came. With the awsomest and unexpectedest spirit lifter ever! Helen, you rock my world. Thank you from all the clan. That's a pretty prodigous thank you, you know. Seeing as there are five of us and all.

To the winch, wench!

Posted by: Jim at 12:00 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 Susie said there was some kind of quit smoking contest going on over here. I am now 2 months smoke free. No wellbutrin, patches or whatever ... just six months of weaning until I was down to 5 a day, then quit on New Year's Day when a friend of mine did. I do find that sucking down a couple of strong mint drops assists me greatly when I feel the need for a cigarette lift. The mint gets down into my throat and gives me a sensation like hot air going down my throat. Good luck, Jim. After more than 30 years, I am so glad to get that monkey off my back. I play the song like an alcoholic going to AA neetings, though: One Day at a Time (without Valerie Bertinelli, regrettably).

Posted by: Tiger at February 29, 2004 10:53 AM (G5PGV)

2 We quit before,cold turkey,no aid....I am still waiting for the apartment complex to send me the bill for the huge hole in the wall,that I so professionaly coverd...flying chairs I remember so well.....name calling,cousins beeing yelled at and attacked (almost)... those were the days.... NAH.....gimme the freaking Wellbutrin!It works,no cutting down...it just makes them taste NASTY and you WILL stop weather you want it or not.BELIEVE ME THEY TASTE NASTY!! Plus the fact that I don't like answering to anyone or beeing anyones slave. I eat a lot of Wrigleys now.And Pilsbury rolls....and candy....and I gained NOTHING!uahahaha My name is LW and I am an EX smoker for over a WEEK now! Well,JIM BEAT THAT!(just don't move somewhere again for a week!!) :-P

Posted by: LW at February 29, 2004 11:06 PM (saeHM)

3 Just to clarify that "move somewhere for a week" part for all you folks playing at home: That was when I came down here to Georgia to start the new job and find a place for us to move into. This was the stressful time that ended up with both of us independently returning to the cancer sticks after many a month of non-smokage.

Posted by: Jim at March 01, 2004 07:41 AM (IOwam)

4 I understand that people who are quitting with the smoking-age are a bit testy (I myself have never been a smoker, but at least I am not one of those rabid anti-smokers). So...allow me to whistle my support over here, in my far away corner, where no chairs can reach me

Posted by: Helen at March 01, 2004 08:13 AM (H8Q/6)

5 Watch out for phones too. As I recall we lost a couple of phones when quitting smoking previously. And a footboard. Don't ask.

Posted by: Jim at March 01, 2004 08:42 AM (IOwam)

6 Ah....the old footboard.How could I forgot to mention it? It is amazing how much adrenaline your body produces when you are on nicotine-withdrawl.Its also amazing how easy it is then for a woman to bend metal..

Posted by: LW at March 01, 2004 10:38 AM (saeHM)

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I'm a quitter. A lowsy quitter, granted, but a quitter nonetheless. Kate's a quitter and so is Kelley. I quit for almost a year and a half back 'round '96 and Lovely Wife and I quit together for better than half a year in '01. I've tried quitting solo quite a few times over the past 16 years, never with any real success. Lovely Wife and I have also tried quitting together a few other times, also without success.

This time it's going to work. See, I'm quitting again. Lovely Wife already did and has been nicofree since Monday. In support of her courageous effort I've refrained from smoking around her or even bringing the deadly tempting cancer sticks into our domicile. This weekend will be the first days of my quitting for real since I'd be an absolute idiot if I started up again on Monday after going without for the entire weekend, returning only to this crazy half-smoker state where I get a mini withdrawal each and every day.

So I'm looking for support. Not moral support, financial support. Here's the thing - the absolute best I ever did was that year plus stretch. It was a year plus because I quit with my Dad, Brother-in-law and Brother-in-law's brother-in-law and we had a bet. Anybody who smoked again, even a puff, for the next year had to pay each of the others $25. The thought that my next cigarette was going to cost me $75 was instrumental to fighting down the urges when they hit. (Incidentally, Bro-in-law and I made it. Dad didn't make it and paid us our blood money. Bro-in-law's bro-in-law was a jackass and renegged on the bet.) So I'm going to go back to what worked and inviting y'all to come along. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:00 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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No, that wasn't the setup for a joke. An aquaintance needs a very good lawyer in the Augusta and/or Atlanta area. The issue involves a student and a school and said school's policy that improperly forced said student into a youth detention center. Any help/leads would be appreciated.

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I had got a problem that very few people know about. It was a habit that sometimes affected my life. It was soemthing I wasn't emotionally committed to but just couldn't stay away from. It was not an addiction! I am a mature person in total control of myself. I'm no addict. Anal retentives don't get addictions, we get compulsions. Well, maybe you could call it a need but only occasionally. Definitely not an addiction!

It's not like it filled my entire day or something. It was just one in the morning, maybe another at work, one or two at night. Maybe some practice while I was having a cigarette or on the crapper. You know, when I wasn't otherwise engaged anyway. It's just something I used to keep my mind occupied when I was bored. Well, okay, sometimes I got a bit lost when I was doing it and didn't realize that Lovely Wife was talking to me. And maybe once or twice I didn't hear a kid screaming while I was doing it. Does it really matter that I zoned a bit when I was concentrating? Isn't that the mark of a committed mind?

And so what if I did it a lot? I'm good at it so why shouldn't I have? I don't think anybody ever went up to Jordan and said "You know, Mike...you're playing an awful lot of basketball. Maybe you should give that a bit of a break and try something else for a while". Damn straight they didn't. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:54 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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1 low possible to win: 625 Hi possible: 745 Hi Loser: 720

Posted by: MojoMark at February 25, 2004 05:30 PM (E+LQu)

2 Jim - now you can finally get that life you've been missing. At least it's not like my family, where my Ma, Pa and brother had nightly arguments over who could play Hearts.

Posted by: Simon at February 26, 2004 12:34 AM (UKqGy)

3 Simon-my family used to get VICIOUS during Hearts games. It got ugly. Knives thrown, souls sold, the works. As for me, I am currently nursing a Freecell addiction-I even dream about matching black and red things. I am a loser.

Posted by: Helen at February 26, 2004 01:52 AM (I9OSd)

4 I was working honest!

Posted by: Jeremy at February 26, 2004 04:45 AM (6TQoy)

5 MojoMark - You got at least one but not all three correct. I won't say which one(s) yet so people can still guess. In my family it was Pinnochle. Gram was an evil player. When I stayed with her on visits we would play all day and night. We played two man with a dead hand. The dead hand was named "George" after my Gramps. Yeah, that's how serious a player my Gram was. This prepared me for the vicious games of euchre that occupied the majority of my high school days. Gram cheated like a wench and taught me everything I know so I was a killer euchre player against the lightweights I played against. Then in the Navy it was spades. Lots and lots of spades. Then more spades. I tried to introduce euchre and had a little success but eventually I gave up and turned to poker since that has almost universal acceptance. I made a lot of money off of my fellow sailors. Ah, those were the days.

Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2004 05:18 AM (saeHM)

6 Sounds like an intervention is called for. I know my mother definitely needs to get checked into the Betty Ford Clinic for Solitaire Rehab. They force you to occupy your time by playing backgammon. The shakes go away in a few days I am told.

Posted by: The Bull at February 26, 2004 06:18 AM (Q/NXM)

7 I'm gonna say Shamming. No one would ignore their family over a stupid card game. oh..my bad we're not voting on this one

Posted by: jimi at February 26, 2004 10:11 AM (zE10C)

8 Since you haven't revealed the answer yet, can I get a point for saying that 745 highest possible is right?

Posted by: Harvey at February 26, 2004 01:20 PM (tJfh1)

9 Nope, but I'll confirm that that's the only one MojoMark had right. I'll reveal the answers and hand points out in about an hour.

Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2004 01:38 PM (IOwam)

10 subsequent to my posting I figured one was wrong, so I'll be interested in your response.

Posted by: MojoMark at February 26, 2004 01:38 PM (E+LQu)

11 The answers are: Highest points possible (with a win): 745 Lowest points possible with a win: 20 Highest points possible with a loss: 705 Solitaire points are scored like this: 5 points when you move a card from the deck to the field. 5 points when you uncover a card in the field. 10 points when a card is played to the waste (the Ace to King piles). When the cards are dealt out there are 7 already exposed. These cards can generate a maximum of 70 points (by playing them to the waste). The other cards can each generate 15 points (5 for uncovering in the field or playing to the field plus 10 for playing to the waste). 45 cards times 15 points is a maximum of 675 points. 675 plus 70 makes the highest points possible 745. Playing a card from the waste back into the field costs you fifteen points. Therefore you can always reduce your score to zero (it won't go below zero) by playing a card repeatedly from the field to the waste, back to the field, etc. The catch is there have to be at least two cards in the field because as soon as you put the very last card in the waste the game is over. So you have zero points and your last two cards in the field - those two cards will get you 20 points when you play them to the waste. The highest points possible with a loss is a bit tougher because you have to figure out the best (or worst?) possible scenario for an almost win. This requires 4 cards be left in the field, 1 exposed and the others unexposed underneath it. The cards are a queen - the up card, the card immediately below that in the same suit (to prevent the stopper from being played to the waste) and the two cards higher than the stopper of the opposite color (to prevent it from being played off of the hidden cards). For example, the queen of hearts is face up in the field. Underneath it is the jack of hearts, king of spades and king of clubs. 4 cards haven't been played to the waste so the maximum possible score with a lost game is 705. Note that there are many scenarios where you could be stopped and have more than 705 points but all of those can be corrected by playing cards back from the waste. They aren't lost games they're just unfinished ones. One point for MojoMark

Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2004 02:04 PM (IOwam)

12 Points in solitare are meaningless. My office has set up the solitare-speed-challenge. And the current record for a winning game of standard (draw three) solitare, is held by ME. 68 SECONDS, baby. You can't touch this...

Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 26, 2004 03:27 PM (UJiSP)

13 I thought Jim's complete points analysis of the game was extremely sad, until I read Mike the Marine's post. Now I think you're both sad. Cut free of the cards, friends.

Posted by: Simon at February 27, 2004 02:06 AM (GWTmv)

14 It's not a bug, it's a feature.

Posted by: Jim at February 27, 2004 04:45 AM (saeHM)

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Well it's a gorgeous day here. We're pushing 60 degrees with a very nice breeze so I'm taking the rest of the day off and going to the park to fly kites with the boys.

Cross your fingers and maybe Ilyka will show up to entertain y'all in my absence.

By the way - Munuviana will be moving to its new high powered home this tomorrow evening. The site won't look any different but there won't be any posting or commenting for the duration of the transit. Maybe 4 hours or so.

Posted by: Jim at 02:06 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I haven't really written about this issue for a couple of reasons. First, unless I somehow catch homosexuality from one of my gay friends it isn't likely to ever be an issue for me. Second, it's one of those issues where nothing that anybody says is really going to change anybody's mind one way or another. People have decided their position either emotionally or logically. There's nothing changing in the debate to affect a logical decision and you aren't going to change somebody's emotions via your arguments.

So why am I piping up now? Because I've heard "to preserve the sanctity of marriage" one time too many. Every time I've heard this particular argument I've cringed a little bit at the hypocrisy of the statement. I've run out of cringe room. (Plus the retort finally came to me earlier today at Trey's place.)

The people who are arguing for amendments defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not care one whit about the sanctity of marriage. The people fighting for laws defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not give a damn about the sanctity of marriage. The people who are fighting against any and all legislation that would make homosexual marriage legal couldn't give two shits for the sanctity of marriage.

Want to know how I know this? It's because if they actually gave even the slightest weight to preserving the sanctity of marriage they would be fighting for amendments, laws and legislation to bolster marriage instead of this hypocritical hogwash they are involved in.

Want to preserve the sanctity of marriage? It's easy. Make that "til death do us part" portion for real. Make the marriage contract an actual contract. Make marriage a rare and precious thing instead of the "discard after use" recyclable it has become.

Imagine if marriage was permanent. First off there would be a hell of a lot less of them. People wouldn't be getting married for idiotic reasons any more. Britney would have stayed single. Rock stars and celebrities wouldn't count their spouses with sillhouettes on their car doors. People would be forced to actually deal with their partner and make things work. No quick outs.

So if you care about the sanctity of marriage stop putting your efforts into keeping people apart and start putting it where it should be: keeping marriages together. more...

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I've never been a flosser. It could be because I come from a family of non-flossers or maybe it's because my teeth are fairly tight and when I tried flossing way back when it was too uncomfortable. Maybe the seeping blood from your gums if you misjudge and hit them with the razor wire floss just turned me off. Whatever the reason I've just never been one to floss. I made up for it by being a militant tooth brusher. Once as soon as I wake up, once before leaving for work, once when getting home from work, once before bed. I used to also brush at work after lunch. I'll still add another brushing in there as needed if my mouth feels nasty.

Bear and Bacon recently had dental hygienists into their school to teach the kids how important tooth care was and to give the basics on brushing and flossing. Now anybody with kids will know what that means. They learned something in school that we didn't do at home. This became the absolute most important thing in the world to them. If they didn't floss then all of their teeth were going to fall out! They'd be overrun by plaque! Their breath would stink so bad that they could conceivably kill the birds with the poisonous gasses issuing from their orifices. (Personally I think that this was a bit over the top. If the birds could live through years of babies with crap pants I doubt they'd kick the bucket from nasty breath. Anyway...)

So Lovely Wife found these neat pre-loaded floss doohickeys. No fumbling around with the wax string and shoving fingers into mouths. Oh, no. Not with these sexy dental beauties. They are slick, easy to use and very efficient. So I tried 'em out.

My teeth are still very tight and it was hard to work the string on down between them. I still misjudged a couple times and was rewarded with crimson spit as my gums protested being sliced by the razor wire floss. And my efforts were rewarded as I dislodged some unidentifiable thing that smelled vaguely like raw sewage. I gagged. Seriously. I fought down the urge to puke. I then realized that I had just found evidence that there was something rotting inside my mouth. I fought down the urge to puke again.

I am now a militant flosser in addition to being a militant brusher.

Posted by: Jim at 04:06 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I was cleaning up some old emails this morning when I ran across a gem of a conversation between Ilyka and myself. It was from the time when she was hosting the Bestofme Symphony and suffering the deluge of spam that goes with temporary stewardship of the public submission address. As this email was right next to one from Nguzo Makagbo I took it as a sign that this must be shared with the world at large.

Ilyka: I've received one other submission, so the forward's working okay.

Oh, and spam. Definitely have received some spam. Want to go into business with a Ghana national who only needs your bank account # in which to transfer the secret-secret proceeds from his father's failed kingdom?

Jim: Sorry about the spam. One of the drawbacks of a publicly posted email address. At least you can be comforted that the spam stream will be flooding someone else next week.

PS - Never reply to the emails from Ghana, they're all a bunch of thugs and liars. The Nigerian classic is the way to go.

Ilyka: I don't know why you have to be hatin' on Ghana like that. They didn't invent the spam; they just perfected it! And Mr. Nagodobo assured me that he is a well-bred gentleman of royal descent. He gave me his WORD.

Jim: Mr. Nagodobo? I don't know if I'd trust him. I had a message from Doctor Ndroge's widow and she told me all about how her good husband the doctor had loyally served the insurgent government while acquiring a fortune of several million US dollars only to be slain in a royalist uprising. She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED. The poor thing needs my help badly as both the good doctor's former employers as well as the royalists want her inheritance.

Beware Nagodobo. He's probably just using you to find Ndroge's hidden funds.

Ilyka: Oh--you know I can't top "She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED." I'm out.

Jim: Sorry I had to GO CAPS on you, but you know what they say - a weapon unused is a useless weapon.

The morals of the story? Stick to the Nigerian scam - the original and still world leader in online scams.

And don't mess around with Jim.

Posted by: Jim at 11:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Because it has the Bold hint of guacamole! The bold hint of guacamole? Yes, that's right. The commercial talks about the bold hint of guacamole.

Let's get a couple things straight. First, there is no such thing as a bold hint, okay? It's an oxymoron like "government efficiency", "PETA cares" or "French courage". Either it's bold or it's a hint but never the twain shall meet. Secondly, guacamole cannot be bold. It's a squashed avacado. Avacados are nature's milquetoasts. Finding bold guacamole is about as possible as finding a rational fundamentalist.

Posted by: Jim at 10:47 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Those of you who read yesterday's post on my hosting problems may have noted that we were taking the boys to the dentist. I took off a half day of work for it. I invested 4 hours of my precious time off to take my kids to the dentist. I figured that three kids, all at the same time, all of them dental virgins...there's going to be some seriously good material here! Who wouldn't take off from work to gather amazing writing fodder like what was guaranteed to be generated in a situation like that?

I was so freaking robbed. The kids behaved the entire time. The staff was great. The place was great. No screaming. No tantrums. No whining. No. Freaking. Anything. No material whatsoever.

Well, I could maybe bitch a bit about the mounds of paperwork but that'll just make me a whiner. I mean you've got two ways to go with paperwork bitching: tragic and humorous. Tragic doesn't work here because every one of you have done idiotic paperwork so you're not going to feel a bit of sympathy for me. Humorous doesn't work either - what's funny about a pile of tedious paperwork? That's like trying to make being smothered by a pillow into a funny anecdote. Just doesn't work.

So I've got nuthin' for you. I had planned on having some fantastic humorous or touching material for y'all to read today but we were stiffed. Despite sacrificing an entire half of a work day to the cause we've got a net zero. Why did my kids have to pick this of all days to behave? Why, God? Why?

I swear, next time I'll amp them up on coffee and candy bars before we take them in. I won't let you down again.

Posted by: Jim at 12:09 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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PETA, through one of its sham front organizations, is getting the message out to just say NO to mad cow beef. PETA wants us to avoid eating beef, totally concerned over our health and the dangers of mad cow disease, right? But we really, really, really like to eat meat. Is this an impasse?

Heck no! I'm always trying to help folks out and I think I have the perfect solution here. Any time you were going to eat beef, substitute veal instead. See, it takes quite a few years for mad cow disease to manifest to a communicable state. If we kill the cows when they're babies we'll be safe, just like PETA wants!

Just say NO to those 100% USDA all beef burgers. Go for veal burgers instead! Meatloaf is a no-no. Cook up some wholesome and satisfying vealloaf! Beefsteak, no. Vealsteak, yeah!

There are some great side benefits to removing beef from our lives and going for veal instead. All those cows don't have to spend agonizing years in miserable captivity (PETA's very sad about this). They'll only spend a fraction of the time that they are now since they'll be slaughtered for veal while quite young. With the demand for beef going down and the demand for veal going up the price of beef will rise (this will make PETA happy) and the price for veal will decline (this will make us safety concious diners happy).

Everybody wins if we switch from beef to veal. We're safe from the dangers of mad cow disease and PETA doesn't have all of those grown cows to fret over! Support the cause, eat a vealburger today!

(Hat tip to Michele)

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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The other night things got a bit frisky at home and Lovely Wife and I got a bit happy with the old digital camera. Hey, it's a free country, it was the privacy of our own home and the kids were all asleep. While reviewing the resulting incriminating evidence it became apparent that we had a difference of opinion. I thought that they were very beautiful and considered them artistic photos. Lovely Wife thought they were basically porn and that I better not even think of posting them.

Since I'm naturally contrary and I've got a good 8 hours or so before she can physically harm me I've decided to post a select couple of pics. I'm not trying to showcase the Peacock Family nudity here, I'm genuinely interested in whether you think these are artistic or pornographic.

If a female spreads her legs is it automatically porn? View image

If it's tastefully done can a penis be artistic? View image

Let me know what you think.

Posted by: Jim at 10:22 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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A lamb!

Which begs the question, what do you stuff a lamb with? Chickens, obviously.

Does the recipe for stuffed camel put you in mind of The old lady who swallowed a fly?

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

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From Zero Tolerance for Violence in Schools blogged at Zero Intelligence.

And just last Friday, Janae Thorpe claims she was trying to break up a fight between her sister Ashley and another student at Groves High School when Janae was stabbed in the eye with a pen. All three girls were suspended and are also awaiting an expulsion hearing. "I didn't do anything," said Janae, who feels the school's policy is "stupid."

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If Michele gets that laptop so she can cover the Republican convention in NYC I am so going to buy this T-shirt for her.

Posted by: Jim at 11:39 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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This is not a political blog for one basic reason. Politics (and specifically politicians) generally disgust me. I do my duty and keep informed. I vote. I'll discuss particular items with interested parties. I'll joke and make fun of them. What I don't do is get involved in battling against the retards and asshats that get off on the partisan bullshit screeds that so pervade the blogoshpere and the Internet at large. I'm making an exception.

Sue is an AOL user and died* in the wool Kucinich vigilante who befouled my comments with a 500 word rant ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS!WITHOUT SPACES BETWEEN THE SENTENCES!AND ENDING EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT!IT WAS, ODDLY ENOUGH, IN A REGULAR WEIGHTED FONT!MOST LIKELY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO USE THE [BOLD] TAG!

MY FIRST INCLINATION (oops, let's take that "caps" button off) was to just blacklist this mentally deficient character and be done with it but I decided to draw swords instead for a couple of reasons:

1. Although she's a retard it's quite possible that she is an honestly misguided retard. Too long under the aluminum foil and anybody could be convinced to put the Kucinich gun deep into their oral cavity.


2. I'm pretty strongly against censorship. This was pretty obviously a cut and paste screed so I wouldn't really feel bad about deleting it but there's still the principle of the thing. I was offended by the comment but I certainly wasn't harmed. It was also a reply to a post where I critized Kucinich for his heartless assault against our GIs so it was at least correctly placed.


3. I think that it's important that people who pretend to be a "Sue" be exposed for the idiots that they are, when they make it oh so apparent exactly what idiots they are. I know a bunch of "Sue" types and all of them are bright and lucid. It's painfully honest that whatever this freak is, she isn't a genuine "Sue". If I let this go unpunished I would be doing a disservice to the "Sue"s that are being impersonated.


4. How can I pass up the opportunity to pour out buckets of backloaded vitriol on such a worthy target?

Disclaimer: My political beliefs center around the concept of an elected official performing their job well and doing so within the bounds of the constraints laid upon them. For the President these constraints include little things like the Constitution, the Legislative Branch and the Judicial Branch. As Kucinich has openly stated he has no intention whatsoever of giving even lip service to those three (and others) I have classified him and anybody who supports him as a nuckfut. If you are a Kucinich supporter then you are a nuckfut. Yes, really honest and for true. Therefore, nuckfuts will quite likely be highly offended by reading the contents of the extended entry. I guess it's quite possible that they've already been offended by my words above as well as from being called out as the nuckfuts they are and I should probably have put this disclaimer way up at the top of the post for it to be the most effective. But that's okay - like I really care about offending a bunch of nuckfuts.

The Real Disclaimer: This is a long fisking. I was pissed when I wrote it. Seriously pissed. Over several days. It is not a jocular taking to task of a misguided commenter, it is a furious diatribe against a target of opportunity that has provided me with an outlet to unload months of accumulated pissedoffedness. I did not open a can of whoop-ass here, I tapped a keg. If you love Snooze Button Dreams for my lighthearted quirky humor, anecdotes of life & family and the occasional kooky jack-ass maneuver recorded for posterity then this is seriously not the entry for you. You've been warned.

With that said, let us continue to the extended entry where I fisk this jackass's screed. more...

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