Our household has been battling the plague flu since Christmas. On Sunday the boys and I spent a good chunk of our day passed out in the living room. I started feeling better on Monday and yesterday I actually felt pretty good. I figured I was over it and well on my way to my normal, healthy state.

Wrongo! This morning I woke up to find that somebody had snuck in while I slept and pumped about a gallon of mucous into my sinuses. Chewy mucous. That would have been bad enough but he also aparently used my head for a bass drum for a few hours and inserted a feather duster into my windpipe. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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I got an email from a disgruntled reader (as opposed to my many gruntled readers) who accused me of being a homophobe and "perpetuating the stereotypes that homosexuals battle on a daily basis".

First point. Am I a homophobe? Absolutely not. I have no fear of homosexuals. I am extremely confident in my own heterosexuality so I don't have any problem with joking about that of others (or my own). It's not a reflection of fear, it's an attempt to make people laugh. And they do. Are they all homophobes? more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:22 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 That was easy - I can recite most every word on that tape. Anyway - It's Eddie Murphy from Delirious. He's talking about aids and how it scary 'cause women like to hang out with their gay friends and .... (later) it's "Mr. Murphy you have Aids" "Aids!? - but I'm not a homosexual" "Sure you're not a homosexual"

Posted by: Clancy at December 31, 2003 11:16 AM (EGVPL)

2 Yup. That's the one. 3 points for Clancy!

Posted by: Jim at December 31, 2003 11:18 AM (IOwam)

3 I am shocked (SHOCKED!) that you've been accused of perpetuating stereotypes of homosexuals. *I'm* the one who's been doing that and I do not appreciate folks attributing my successes to someone else's non-efforts. SHOCKED!

Posted by: Trey Givens at January 02, 2004 09:40 PM (3GwQg)

4 I know what you mean, Trey. Some people just announce their foolishness with a bullhorn, don't they? Outrageous!

Posted by: Jim at January 03, 2004 08:17 AM (fkewd)

5 Hey Jim, I'm a gay guy and I have never thought you were homophobic. You tease some and it's on the basis of esential humanity. I wish more people were like you actually. The world would be a better place. People need to chill more and have a little fun.

Posted by: mark at February 19, 2004 11:45 AM (S8Ay0)

6 Thanks, Mark. I appreciate that. It's not just homosexuals of course. I get some flak from most of the humanity slices that I poke fun at. Since I joke about almost everybody there's always going to be somebody who gets pissed at me. I just try to take it with a grain of salt and keep plodding on. Feedback like yours sure makes it easier to keep plodding though!

Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 11:54 AM (IOwam)

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The scene: Driving home with Dopple-G, listening to some Christmas carols on the radio.

Dopple-G: Who's singing this one?

Me: Tammy Wynette.

Dopple-G: Really?

Me: Sounds like her

A new singer takes the next verse. It's a dreaded multi-singer carol.

Dopple-G: I hate when they do that. A song should have one singer.

Me: Unless it's a chorus.

Dopple-G: Yeah, like the Vienna Boys Choir. They rock.

Me: Or if it's meant to be a duet.

Dopple-G: Like what?

Me: That medley one...Little Drummer Boy.

Dopple-G: Little Drummer Boy isn't a medley.

Me: You know the one I mean. With Bing Crosby and whats-his-name. That gay guy, Commander Tom.

Dopple-G: That gay guy, Commander Tom?

Me: David Bowie.

Dopple-G: I know, I just never heard him described as "that gay guy, Commander Tom".

Me: But you knew exactly who I was thinking of, didn't you?

Dopple-G: Harumph.

Let it be known far and wide that from this point forward David Bowie shall forevermore be known as "That gay guy, Commander Tom". more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:36 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Holiday greetings go out to all of my regular readers. Heck, same for all of my readers who aren't regular. A bit of constipation is no reason to deny greetings now, is it? ;-)

It was pure unadulterated chaos here this morning but things have settled down a bit. For a couple more minutes until our shortest child (the evil one) wakes up from his nap anyway.

Here's hoping your Christmas is as happy as ours!

Posted by: Jim at 03:34 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Robert at XSet won the auction for Tidings of Comfort and Joy. Robert has asked that I extend the holiday wishes and thanks to all of the people who participated in that auction and I am very happy to oblige him.

To Robert, Suebear, Clancy, Mog, R Stevens in Meriden CT, The Wizeke Family (Lara, John, Fido and Talum) in Princeton NJ, and those participants who I could not identify beyond their eBay handles (igorxa, argyle-, ccalzone, jchammons and katrus), I say thank you from myself and my family. You caught the spirit of my auction and responded well beyond my wildest dreams. I sincerely hope that you and yours will enjoy a beautiful holiday and wish you the very best of new years.

The proceeds from the auction have not yet been spent, though they do have a dedicated purpose. We had our own friends and family in for a holiday visit so did not have the opportunity to complete our holiday mission yet. The money from the auction will be used for ice skating by myself, my Lovely Wife and our three children. Here in the Atlanta area there are not a whole lot of opportunities for skating. There is a seasonal rink in downtown Duluth and the $42 will just about cover skate rental and rink fees for the five of us (with maybe enough left over for some hot cocoa). This is something that we would simply not be doing without this unexpected good fortune. You've given us a very wonderful gift - a celebration of family and fun with an experience that will be new and special for our children (and hopefully not too hard on the fannies of myself and Lovely Wife).

Once again, our sincerest thanks go out to you along with our wishes for a wonderful holiday and a spectacular new year.

And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them! And they were sore afraid ... And the angel said unto them, "Fear not! For, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all my people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ, the Lord."

"And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger." And suddenly, there was with the angel a multitude of the Heavenly Host praising God, and saying, "Glory to God in the Highest, and on Earth peace, and good will toward men."

Posted by: Jim at 08:05 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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1 You could send me some money while your at it...

Posted by: pylorns at December 23, 2003 09:44 AM (AhTDr)

2 If I sent some to you then all of the kids would want some.

Posted by: jim at December 23, 2003 09:47 AM (IOwam)

3 but im more special

Posted by: pylorns at December 23, 2003 11:02 AM (oMGhn)

4 Yeah, you're very *special*

Posted by: rob at December 23, 2003 12:57 PM (6UtpI)

5 That's true, Pylorns. Now please put your helmet back on. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at December 23, 2003 01:00 PM (IOwam)

6 Ho ho ho! Enjoy the skating! Lara W from Princeton

Posted by: Lara at December 23, 2003 01:11 PM (8R3yf)

7 I hope you all have a wonderful time skating. And to you and your family, Jim, a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Posted by: Sue at December 23, 2003 11:27 PM (0SrUW)

8 I am sure going to have a GREAT time laughing my butt off,seeing them skate.hehehe Merry Xmas!

Posted by: LW at December 24, 2003 01:16 PM (fkewd)

9 How weird to do a search for "ccalzone" (a common e-mail username for me) and find this as the top entry. At any rate, a much belated Merry Christmas to you (it's now the middle of May.) If you want to e-mail me back, you can do so at trig.net. With luck, I won't accidentally think you're sending me spam and delete the e-mail without reading it. Cheers, Christopher Calzonetti.

Posted by: ccalzone at May 21, 2004 08:24 PM (hyy2z)

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Lovely Wife is out with Dopple-G's wife and their friend from N'Orleans. I was sitting at the dining room table on the lap top (actually I'm doing it again right now!) working on a deliverable for tomorrow and the doorbell rang. I figured it was our next door neighbor and sauntered over to the door and opened it. It was not our next door neighbor.

It was a man. A man I've never seen before. On the tall side, good looking in that all-American quarterback slash valedictorian way. I opened the screen door to shake hands (it's a Southern thing) and said "Hi, what can I do for you?" He replied "I've got a special delivery here for the Peacock Family from a Secret Santa" with a huge and very friendly smile on his face.

Now my mind was in a tizzy at this point. First, when I'm in writing mode my brain tends to get into what I'm writing. Getting my brain functioning in the real world is not a "flick the switch back on" type of deal. Second, the doorbell never but never rings at night. Third, it's some guy who I've never seen at my doorstep. Fourth, there was a car that drove into our dead end street last night, parked across from my house (there are no houses on that side of the street), turned his lights off and sat there idling. After a few minutes he drove over to our side of the street, still with the lights off. Lovely Wife went inside citing the freakiness of the situation. I finished my smoke and started down the walk to see what was up. He drove off down the street with the lights still off.

So what glimmers are sparking in my mind at this moment have little similarity with the situation at hand. He seemed to catch on that I wasn't exactly catching on. With another smile he handed me an envelope. I recovered enough to say "Oh, who is it from?" He gave a friendly laugh and said "Can't say that. It's a secret." Well, duh, Jim. Secret Santa, hello? I thanked him and we exchanged happy holidays and he walked back to his car.

I walked back inside and opened up the envelope. It's a nice holiday card with money in it.

This is just amazing. A Secret Santa delivery to my house. From who? I can't imagine. Rather, I can't help but imagine. Is it someone out there? Thank you, if it is. Heck, thank you whether it's a reader or not. This is so completely unexpected that I'm just flabbergasted. Totally stunned.

Wow.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Happy Anniversary, my Lovely Wife.

The five years that we have been together have been the most fantastic of my life. It hasn't all been roses of course; we've had our fights and disagreements, our problems to work out and things to fix. But for the first time in my life I am in a relationship so completing that there was never an option not to work it out or not to fix things. You are the other half of me and I can't even conceive of life being anything else but together with you.

You've motivated me, inspired me, shown me and guided me. I am so much of a greater person since you came into my life. Thank you for letting me be me but helping me to see just what "me" could be.

You've given me three children who I couldn't love more (despite the little one being so evil) and a life that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

You are my love and my life, my heart, my wife. Happy Anniversary, Sweetie.

*KISS* *HUG* *NIBBLE*

PS - Sorry about using your last Cubis thingy. Maybe you should try it again. And how is Topsy playing these days?

Posted by: Jim at 09:14 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Jim & Lovely Wife~ Happy Anniversary!!! Have a wonderful day.

Posted by: Tiffani at December 19, 2003 09:38 AM (0i1dP)

2 That's sweet

Posted by: LeeAnn at December 19, 2003 10:29 AM (HxCeX)

3 Congrats! 5 years and 3 kids. You didn't waste any time did you?

Posted by: Clancy at December 19, 2003 11:31 AM (EGVPL)

4 And a few days ago you accused me of sucking up!!! Happy Anniversary!!!

Posted by: Phillip at December 19, 2003 12:11 PM (1hRqD)

5 Happy anniversary to you both. I love the line about letting me be me, but helping me to see what me could be. The hallmark of a good relationship, I think. But I'm mad 'cause Clancy beat me to my other comment.

Posted by: ilyka at December 19, 2003 01:05 PM (XEfQy)

6 Happy Anniversary! Have a great day, and many more wonderful years to come.

Posted by: Sue at December 20, 2003 12:59 AM (rZmE1)

7 Happy Anniversary! I think that was a lovely post. "(despite the little one being so evil)"...still laughing about that one.

Posted by: Helen at December 21, 2003 07:38 AM (FpuBY)

8 Thank you my dear hubby.:-) And same back at ya.:-)))))))) XXX

Posted by: LW at December 21, 2003 09:50 PM (fkewd)

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I loved my last job. I mean, it was a seriously kick ass job. I was the Executive Assistant and I set my own tasks, answered only to the President and supported the various Vice Presidents and company officers. I was also the Internal Sales Trainer and filled in at that position during the periods it was vacant. I was also the Network and Communications Assistant. The second part of that meant I managed the phone and email systems. The first part was a bit of a misnomer as the Network Admin was a Unix guy so I was the defacto Network Admin for the Windows computers, servers and supported systems. I also handled analysis and defect tracking for Quality Assurance, wrote apps and databases for QA, the Lab, Sales and Accounts Receivable in addition to scheduling and setting up the Christmas Party (yes, we had an actual Christmas party, not a non-denominational winter get together) and the summer picnic.

I know what y'all are thinking right now. An office of 10 people where I was the Jack of All Trades. No, my friends, it was a manufacturing company with a couple hundred employees and over $10 million in annual sales. I just worked like a dog in my many roles. And I loved it. There was always something to do and always something to learn. I was depended upon by the majority of the non-union staff and a goodly portion of the union boys (and gals) as well. It paid squat but we made do with the salary and I was compensated with just about any training class I could at least partially justify.

So why did I leave this job that I liked so well? I'm glad you asked. Partially it was because we were aiming to move down south. Partially it was because that meager salary was getting closer and closer to not quite covering things. Partially it was their fault. You see, they destroyed my faith in the management and direction of the company. They lied to me, y'all. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Mine costs five and a half million.

Mom lives in Arizona. She used to live there with my Auntie and Dopple-G and his sister. I lived with them for a couple of months and visited other times. One of the cool things we would do was to drive up to Tortilla Flat. It was old and small and incredibly cool. The smallest town in America to have a Federal Post Office!

There was a song we made up about Tortilla Flat. Actually I think my cousin started it up (that's Dopple-G's sister, not Dopple-G himself. Let's just call her Dopplette-G to avoid confusion) and the rest of us just might have added bits to it. I can't remember much of it except there was a line about "They've got roaches in the corners" and the refrain was "If you don't know where you're at it's Tortilla Flat". No, there weren't any roaches and I always knew exactly where I was when we were there. There were only a couple of buildings so it was hard to get lost. It was a fun song though.

I remember there being dollars all over the walls and ceiling in the restaurant. It was like wallpaper. Tourists would write their name on a bill and the proprieter would tack it up. And they had the coolest stuff to buy (I was a kid then, remember). Rattlesnake heads, stuffed coyotes, cactuses. I bought an egg (like the pantyhose used to come in) with a pack of seeds in it and a picture of a giant suguaro cactus on it. Grew that thing for years and it got to about 2 inches high. I think I've still got the can of jackalope milk that I bought there too. Probably cheese by now.

We had a lot of fun there. A lot of memories were made. And now they're selling it.

Anybody got a couple million I could borrow?

(Warned of impending sale by this article)

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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"Reflections" by Kurt Wenner in the extended entry. Hover your mouse over the picture if you can't figure out what's disturbing you about it. more...

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You've probably seen this poem before but it's such a good one that I'm posting it anyway.

This holiday season there are hundreds of thousands of servicemen and women who aren't with their families because they've chosen duty over comfort. I'm very grateful to the men and women of our armed forces for the work that they are doing and the sacrifices they are making for our protection and the benefit of the world. more...

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...going to be revealed in 2 hours. That's how long the auction for Tidings of Comfort and Joy has left.

This has been an absolutely spectacular auction, magnitudes over what I expected. I need to think up something special and Christmasy to use the proceeds on as I hadn't thought of anything bigger than candy canes and spekulaas.

Any ideas? We've got one Lovely Wife, 3 rugrats from 1 year old to 4 years old and one cow sucker (that's me) to be invovled in the festivity.

UPDATE: The winner is Robert from XSet, who got in a last bid virtually under the wire to sneak past Sue. All's fair in love and auctions, they say.

Posted by: Jim at 08:01 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The auction is going well, thanks to a kick start from Clancy and Johnny Huh? putting it up on MetaFilter (which isn't taking new people at the moment, thank you very much, not that I feel slighted in the least, the dirt bags). At least one commenter has some serious need for Tidings.

Looking at the bidders I see some I recognize and a bunch I don't. We've got Clancy, Rob and Sue among the 9 bidders currently competing for my affections. Nah, that's not right. Y'all already have my affections. But they are competing for some genuine cheerful wishes and feature placement in a custom crafted story. Who couldn't use cheerful wishes?

By the way, if you are a member of the clueless masses or know somebody who is you can solve your problems right here.

Posted by: Jim at 11:45 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I did it for my amusement and its humor factor but I was expecting at least a tiny bit of activity. I offer Tidings of Comfort and Joy at absolute rockbottom prices and nobody's interested? What's up with that?

There's real value in this auction, you know. The custom story by a fantastic and humble author has to be worth a quarter all by itself.

Now go and bid on my auction or I will pout like a little bitch.

Posted by: Jim at 08:48 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Let us compare two popular female musical artists. One is a serious songstress who uses intensely personal lyrics and an entrancing voice with absolutely amazing vocal range to express herself through her music. The other does a peep show while mouthing pop ketch that somebody else wrote. Which of these artists would be classified as "sexy"?

Answers in the extended section. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:09 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Now, either britney has grown about three feet or that cover is more than a little retouched. Now, let me get this straight: She plays no instruments, lipsynchs(obviously, i mean, could you at least try?) in public, and has to photoshop her album cover. And she needs backup singers? I mean is there really a contest here? Oh Sarah, why oh why are you married. Good call Jim. Tommy

Posted by: Tommy at December 03, 2003 11:25 AM (hnRRG)

2 Before hitting the extended, I was guessing this was a Sarah-Twitney thing. :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at December 03, 2003 11:27 AM (shhDk)

3 Personnally, I don't listen to either one. I find that type of music (whiny, soulful sorrow or poppy, bubble-headed bullshit) an afront to all that is good and right in the world. Four letters: AC/DC. Remember - rock and roll ain't noise polution. Now on the one hand Sarah can sing, but she doesn't make me feel, as Allah would say, "funny in the pants". Britney, on the other hand, can't sing without a computer completely regenerating her voice, but as far as I'm concerned the only thing her mouth should be used for it to..... well, you get the idea. All that being said, lets boil this down to what it's actually about: which one would I do? And the answer, of course, is.......... BOTH! Any male who answers otherwise will immediately have his testosterone card revoked and his genitalia removed so he can be beaten with it. BTW, I've pushed back my predicted Britney Playboy spread to spring of 2007. Christina Aguilara, however, has moved up to around summer of next year in either Penthouse or Hustler. Playboy is WAAAAAY too classy for that slut.

Posted by: Mike the Marine at December 03, 2003 03:12 PM (IOX+E)

4 "Me Against the Music"--hey, you can't say it's not an apt title. She certainly isn't doing anything with or for the music.

Posted by: ilyka at December 03, 2003 03:46 PM (EyevR)

5 Yes! Thank you for saying it, Jim. I adore Sarah Mac!

Posted by: DeAnna at December 03, 2003 10:52 PM (n3+mt)

6 Score one for you on the cool Sarah reference. But the key here is-which one would you just like to have SEX with, and which one is cool enough to take home to mom? Distinction, big time. Don't tell me that if Britney weren't throwing herself at you, you'd say no. Just think of the points you would get just to be able to say you did her?

Posted by: Helen at December 04, 2003 04:34 AM (QV3iL)

7 Hey now! I never said that a guy wouldn't want to nail a slutty chick. I've had quite a bit of fun in my life with gals of that nature. Thing is, slutty chicks get less attractive the longer you're with them. Sexy ones tend to maintain or even increase their sexiness with greater familiarity. Between these two I'd have to pick Sarah for both activities. Britney is elligible for bumping uglies as long as that doesn't preclude a Sarah romp. This isn't a fair comparison though - I've had a hankerin' for Ms McLachlan since the 80's.

Posted by: Jim at December 04, 2003 04:45 AM (fkewd)

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And it's cheap too! Get yours here.

Spread the word!

Posted by: Jim at 10:07 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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