Next week I'll be in Chicago. A business trip, can you believe it? The last time work sent me out of town was three years ago but that was to Atlanta. Since I live in the suburbs of Atlanta and was only there for eight hours I don't think it technically qualifies as a business trip. The last actual business trip I was on was almost a decade ago.

To Chicago.

I lived in Chicago when I was just a lad. In fact, I wrote about some of my Chicago memories a time or two. You can take the boy out of Chicago but apparently you can't stop sending his ass back there.

So anyway, advance notice that there won't be much happening here next week. Hmmm...maybe I should leave y'all with a comment party post. It might help mitigate the damage frustration caused by my absence if I can lock y'all up in a secluded location give you a place to play and commiserate with each other.

Posted by: Jim at 12:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Nine-eye: A delay was caused by non-dog related issues. Nine-eye will be getting his shots next Saturday instead of the Saturday just past. Grooming planned for the Monday after the shots.

Kids: Bacon had the croup Thursday night through the start of the weekend. Thanks to our kick-ass neighbor we didn't have to buy a nebulizer or Albuterol. Burger got it Saturday and is still kicking it. Sleep was at a premium at our house over the weekend.

Pets: I've come to a conclusion regarding the relative evil of kittens and puppies. Specifically, why do kittens do so much more damage than puppies? I believe that both species have the same amount of total evil but because kittens are smaller their evil is much more concentrated. Incidentally when Stitch purrs it sounds like a warthog with asthma. She starts purring at midnight. Every night. Concentrated evil, I'm telling you.

International: Breaking news from the mid-east. Yassir Arafat is still dead! And there was much rejoicing. Yay!

Work: The new job is awesome. Totally and completely awesome. And busy. I'm currently working on four projects, heading two of them.

Posted by: Jim at 07:43 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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On the commute home today I was pleasantly surprised to hear the radio announcer say "This traffic report is being brought to you by the Island of Aruba".

Can you imagine that? Atlanta traffic is so bad that they've heard about it in Aruba! Not only have they heard about it but the Island (the whole freaking island!) cares enough to sponsor traffic reports for us.

Wow. Just wow. I am so touched I can't adequately put my gratitude into words.

Thank you, Aruba. Thank you so much.

Posted by: Jim at 06:47 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife has it over here but it bears repeating. Thank you, thank you, thank you! The response to the Save Nine-eye fund drive has been outstanding. Special thanks to Boudicca, Jen, Susie, Ed Flinn and Dave Ferrell. They've all contributed to the Save Nine-eye fund either directly, through spreading the message or both. Thanks to y'all we've raised enough to get Nine-eye set up and legal. Yay!

But wait, there's more.

We turned a big corner this weekend with Nine-eye. He's letting us really pet him now. He let Lovely Wife put a slip lead on him, let me put a collar on him (A very studly leather collar. That's studly, not studded. He doesn't go that way, not that there's anything wrong with that.) and walked with Lovely Wife on a leash. That was Nine-eye on the leash, not Lovely Wife, just to clarify my syntax.

We've got a coupon for a very good local vet so we can get his shots, a full physical, worm check, the works. We should also have enough left over (since we don't need a trap after all) to get him groomed. Boy does he need some grooming. This guy's got long thick fur and there is some serious nastiness hiding out in there.

Nine-eye's legalization visit will be this Saturday. Hopefully the groomer as well. Since we can pet him now it would be nice to do that without worrying about just what that is that we're touching underneath that fur coat.

We'll keep you posted and thank you again!

Posted by: Jim at 01:47 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife and I have embarked on an ambitious project. We're going to help rehabilitate a homeless person. Well, okay, he's not precisely a person. He's a dog. I guess he's not exactly homeless either since he's welcome at our house and others in the neighborhood. He is in danger though and we want to make him safe.

Lovely Wife and I both recently wrote about Nine-eye, our neighborhood vagabond. Her post is here and mine is here. (She has more pictures than I do.) Our great worry is that Animal Control will get a hold of him and take him away. Following some great advice from Boudicca and Simon we went out and got some information and some help. As it stands now he would be gone forever if AC caught him. However, if we get him tagged and legal with his immunizations they would return him to us if he got picked up.

So that's what we're going to do - take him to the vet for shots and a check-up, get him some tags and make him AC proof. The problem we have is money. As you know we're sort of up against the wall with that at the moment. We're going to try to drum up some donations from the neighborhood. We're pretty sure that at least one family (the ones who keep a bed for him) will help. For our contribution we've got...um...well, we've got you.

We're not talking about a huge amount of cash. A trap to catch him is a $25 rental. The vet is $100. We've already got a high quality leather collar that was too big for Kota and the tags are something like $5. $130, less whatever we can scrounge from the neighbors isn't a whole lot to pay to keep our neighborhood mascot safe. Hell, just the piece of mind that it gives Lovely Wife would make it worthwhile for me.

So pardon be buddy, can you spare a dime?

The PayPal button in the sidebar there will be dedicated to the Save Nine-eye Fund until we've raised enough for his entry into polite society. Hit it. Or tell somebody else to hit it. Or both?

A huge thanks to Simon and Rob who've both donated funds to help us with our mortgage problem. You guys rock. Hard. And don't worry - that money is completely dedicated to the mortgage, it won't be used in the Nine-eye fund.

Also, anything we get beyond what we need to make Nine-eye legal will go to wards making up that mortgage payment, so all y'all don't have to be afraid to give too much.

Thank you, spread the word, and go hug your furry four footed friend for me. (Hopefully that will be an animal but for some of my regular readers I'm not too sure.)

Posted by: Jim at 04:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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This is Nine-Eye. He's our neighborhood mascot. Lovely Wife wrote about him yesterday. She's got more pictures in her post (I stole this one from her).

He's got a bit of urban legend about him. About a year ago the father of a teen down the street committed suicide. The next day Nine-Eye showed up. Animal control was called but he wouldn't let them near him. He's made his home in our neighborhood ever since.

He's an older dog with white showing up on his muzzle but he's still spry enough to play with the pups on our street, even our psychotic lab Kota. He is the low dog on the totem pole, deferring even to the mutant sausage dog from the end of the block. He's so timid that we're pretty sure he was seriously abused by his owners before escaping or being abandoned.

Several families in the neighborhood have adopted him. Some people feed him, others have set up sleeping areas in flower beds, everybody greets him with happy faces and kind words. In fact, I'm pretty sure that a couple of houses (including ours) feed him on a regular basis. He just goes from one to the next at each specific supper time.

When the kids are out playing Nine-Eye is there, a cautious distance apart but ready and willing to put himself between them and anybody dangerous. When the dogs are out he follows them around, plays and runs with them. When Lovely Wife and I go outside at night for some quiet and to enjoy the beautiful fall weather he's there, excited and happy to greet us. Early in the morning he waits with the kids at the bus stop next door and then he comes back to see me off to work.

I mentioned how shy he is but let me describe in greater detail. He won't eat near people or the other dogs. When you put food down he waits patiently until you walk well away from the bowl. It took quite a while but he'll now take a treat from my hand. He's incredibly gentle and if I don't release it right away he won't take it by force. Even on a successful transfer he walks well away before eating the treat. He's to the point where I can give him a little scratch or rub as he walks away and he won't run but that's the most contact that he'll allow.

Yesterday morning was special. I went outside with my coffee and my PDA to check my email and enjoy a beautifully warm, wet morning. He'd spent the night in our carport to stay dry and when I sat down he walked over and put his head on my leg. I scratched him behind the ears for a few seconds before he walked off. He sat down a short distance away (much closer than typical) and we spent the time in companionable silence. It was a great start to the day.

What's in the future for Nine-Eye? He seems to be in excellent health. He's mobile and active and has his own little niche in our community. Many of us welcome his presence, some don't, at least one neighbor is actively set against him. Will Animal Control get him one day? Are we making that more likely by teaching him to trust us?

There's no way to know what the future holds but I hope he's with us for a long time, and hopefully with ever increasing trust.

NOTE: There is a long line of people ready to kick the shit out of the person who beat this phobic timidity into this dog. Lovely Wife and I are at the front of the line.

Posted by: Jim at 09:21 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Halloween was a blast this year. We made it a three day affair. On Friday we had a party and the kids dressed up in costume and pigged out on hot dogs and candy. Our boys were a trio of deadly pirates. Or maybe they were buccaneers. I never could tell the difference. Either way, they had a blast whacking each other and anything that did or didn't move with their cutlasses. The muskets were a bit of a disappointment, firing their rubber suction cup darts with almost enough force to stick on a glass window provided the barrel was no more than two inches from the target and the target was coated in tree sap. Then again, seeing what they managed to do with plastic swords this may have been a good thing.

After the kids were bounced to bed high on mountains of kiddie crack the grown-ups sat about the smoldering barrel fire (hey, I can't help it that we burned off all of the good wood over the past couple months - the massive log that served as the fire base smoked away slowly for three days) and talked shop. We all came to the conclusion that Tuesday couldn't come fast enough and we'd never seen an election with such incredible acrimony.

Cool spot of the evening - Trey's pumpkins. Holy cow, I've never seen pumpkins carved like that. They were a cow and a cowboy and they were built onto RC trucks so you could drive them around and have the cowboy chase the cow. Interactive pumpkins. Sweet.

Saturday we went to dinner at Trey's and took the kids trick-or-treating in his neighborhood. Secondary outfits were used for this official candy grabbing event. We had a Pikachu, a ninja and a Buzz Lightyear. Shut up, they were incredibly cute.

The jingle has changed a bit since my days of a youth:

Trick-or-treat smell my feet,
give me something good to eat.

If you don't I don't care,
I'll pull down your underwear.

We didn't have that second verse when I was a lad. It must be because we're a kinder, gentler nation now. We never used to give warnings of what we were going to do to the villains that provided improper or insufficient treats.

After trick-or-treating we retired to Trey's house where the kids hopped themselves up on sugary goodness and we grown-ups discussed the not-so-subtle undertones in GQ magazine. The ads (of which the magazine is 80% comprised) basically fall into two categories: flaming and smoldering. What happened to this magazine? I remember years ago you were almost guaranteed to get a couple decent boob shots per issue. Now you get male models in underwear and handcuffs being manhandled (I used that word on purpose - my subtlety is returning in spades) by the po-po. It was like opening up a Playboy and seeing two guys playing wang tag. Well, it differed in degree but the sense of betrayal was the same.

Sunday marked the closing of ceremonies for the holiday, capped off with another round of trick-or-treating in our own neighborhood. The neighbor kids came with us and we had an escort from the neighborhood stray. What a great dog - I'll have to tell you all about him in another post.

Little legs were failing by the time we finished our neighborhood but spirits were still high so we trucked over to the neighborhood behind us. This was a madhouse. Kids all over. Big kids. Kids who should not be trick-or-treating. I think it should be a rule that once you get your driver's license you should not go begging for candy. We saw one high school aged kid with no costume using a backpack for his goody bag just biking from house to house. If I ever get one of those at my place he's getting the hose.

We aborted that neighborhood and finished up with our own next door neighbors. For the third day the kids indulged in sugarfest. The choclavores were relentless in their consumption. After a suitably gluttonous period we removed the stimulants and enjoyed the show. Actual conversation snippet:

Bacon: I'm not hungry! I like chocolate! Hey! I think I'll go climb that tree!

When their buzz wore off sufficiently we packed them into bed. Being the responsible parent that I am, I was concerned about the amount of candy they had been eating over the past couple days. Having only my children's wellbeing in mind I filtered their pumpkins for the most dangerous candy - Snickers bars and M&Ms - and put them in a place where the poor lads wouldn't be tempted by them. Out of sight, out of mind, and in Daddy's desk drawer. Heh.

We then retired to the comfy chairs for a relaxing adult beverage and some blessed solitude. Halloween was over. At least until Tuesday...

I'll get some pictures in here too, as soon as I snag 'em from Lovely Wife's computer. The ones of the kids will need to include a uterine flutter warning - they really are that cute.

EPILOGUE

The kids learned several very important lessons this Halloween:

1) Signs that say "take one" on the abandoned bowl of candy at unattended houses are meant as a suggestion.
2) Sucky candy can be quickly disposed of by either trading it, giving it to the parents as no-cost presents or by licking it once and cleverly discarding it when throwing out the wrapper.
3) Halloween comes once a year but if properly exploited it can keep you in candy all the way to Easter.

Posted by: Jim at 11:26 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I was just a few weeks too late getting back to work. The book says we're short by about one mortgage payment. I contacted the lender and they've extended the pay date to the end of the month, which would help shitloads if there was magic money coming in before that. Drat.

The part that really sucks is that we'd be just fine if I had been able to collect unemployment for the time that I was unemployed. Y'all probably think that this is a reasonable thought. Once upon a time I was as deluded as you are. You see, unemployment is not based on being unemployed. It's based on being unpaid. Since my severance from my former job was parsed out instead of being paid as a lump sum I was disqualified from collecting unemployment for the entire time that I was receiving my severance.

Speaking about unemployment, I have a couple of bones to pick with them. First, what's with all of the jumping through hoops? I PAID for this. I gave many thousands of dollars over the past twenty years so I would have a cushion in case my job situation went bad. When I finally need it I find out that my pillow is one of those display models with a styrofoam core. Mandatory re-education classes? No benefits if I refuse any job? No benefits if I make $350 from any and all sources in any particular week? No benefits if I'm physically unable to work in any particular week? And if I do meet all of the criteria and jump when you tell me to you will reward me with a whopping $300 that I'm supposed to use to feed my family and pay my utilities, car and mortgage with?

Gee, color me unimpressed.

Privatize unemployment insurance. If I'd been paying into even a low-yield bond instead of into the black hole of bureaucratic inefficiency I would have had no problems whatsoever and would still have been problem free for quite a few more months. Unemployment insurance as it stands now is a joke, just another government handout program paid for by the working class but next to useless to the vast majority of people paying for it.

If I had my druthers I'd be sending my unemployment insurance premiums to Monster.com. It was their networking service that got my headhunter into contact with me and yielded a fantastic job.

Fuck unemployment insurance and fuck the Department of Labor.

[/rant]

Anyway (sheepish grin), if anyone would like to hit that button in the sidebar I wouldn't mind. Hell, screw that - you'd have my undying gratitude. I might even send you a picture of my hairy nipples. Or not, depending on your preference and tolerance.

UPDATE:

Wow, I'm a dumbass. I just looked back in the archives and realized I've been seriously remiss in some thank-yous. First off a bunch of folks hit my PayPal button when I first got the pink slip. They all had my personal thanks but they deserve some public love too. Many thanks to Harvey, Ilyka, Susie, Simon and Ed Flinn.

Secondly, thank you to all of you. Every single one of you. All of you who commented, emailed, cheered me on, commiserated with me, helped with my resume and cover letter, helped keep me focused or just helped keep me sane. The amount of support I got from you, my very extended, disparate and somewhat dysfunctional family, was absolutely unbelievable. You helped more than I can adequately relate to you now.

Thirdly, a special thankyou to Dopple-G. Cousin, friend, loanshark, bookmobile. Dopple-G came through when I needed to buy a new suit for the interview that landed this job. He also rocks on general purposes.

Lastly, but most importantly, thank you my Lovely Wife. You never lost faith in me, you supported me when I needed it, you kicked my ass when I needed that and you kept me believing in me. I love you my Sweetie.

Posted by: Jim at 05:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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It's a complicated question. Actually, it's a simple question. I mean just look at it - six little words, maybe seven if you don't use the contraction. Can't get a whole lot simpler than that and still impart meaning. What I meant is that the answer is complicated. In fact, here it is:

A) Because his ass got fired and he wasn't in the mood any more.
B) Because his ass got fired and the time he used to spend on blogs was put towards finding a new job.
C) Because his ass got fired and he no longer car pools to work with his number one source of blog inspiration.
D) Because he had some nasty freaking serious health problems and had physical problems sitting in a chair.
E) Because the drugs he's on for the health problems have taken his inner muse, tied her up and put a ball gag on her.

So as you can see the simple question has a complicated answer. So what can we do here? How do we fix it? Well, getting a new job has corrected A and B. There's no way to fix C but I can try to substitute for Dopple-G with people at the new job as I meet them. D is way better than it was, to the point where I'm getting rid of E. I'm in the taper off phase and I can already feel my writing bug returning. Hell, I'm writing this now, aren't I?

As I get back into a morning routine for work I should be able to get back to the blog. Stay tuned for the entertaining and thought provoking commentary you've been missing, things like what condiments work best for masturbation and similar offerings.

And thank you to the 300 people a day who kept coming back even though the blog was sucking harder than a neophyte puffer. Y'all rock.

Posted by: Jim at 01:00 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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