I think it is...let's see, England is 5 hours off, right? That means it's also 19 hours off the other way. So if we ignore the spin of the earth, carry the 3, multiply by the average airspeed of an unladed swallow, divide by Ted Kennedy's liver...and we get... close enough to tomorrow for today to be April 1!*

Happy Birthday, Helen!

Your present is in the extended entry.

* Cold medication, after several days of heavy abuse, may cause loss of critical function and time disorientation. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:15 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
Post contains 104 words, total size 1 kb.

1 Yes, but what *type* of swallow?

Posted by: Kenny at March 31, 2005 11:50 AM (sVrPB)

2 My favorite is a split tail.

Posted by: Jim at March 31, 2005 11:52 AM (tyQ8y)

3 the average airspeed of an unladed swallow Too easy, but just in case they *are* stealth points--Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And it's "unladen" but I'm sure that's just a typo.

Posted by: Victor at March 31, 2005 01:59 PM (L3qPK)

4 Oh, yes. Definitely too easy. We can pretty much permanently exclude any Monty Python from the stealth points - it's just too prevalent in geek vernacular.

Posted by: Jim at March 31, 2005 02:38 PM (tyQ8y)

5 I gathered as much, but it didn't hurt to try.

Posted by: Victor at March 31, 2005 03:20 PM (L3qPK)

6 I LOVE MY PRESENT!! Thank you darlin'. Thank you so much. That's the nicest thing you've ever done for me (excepting for beating up that kid who stole my lunch money after school that day. Now that was a big one.) As for swallows...well, my favorite one is very different to the one you boys chose. Much more soothing to the soul.

Posted by: Helen at March 31, 2005 04:29 PM (1i2pB)

7 whoa, thats a hellova present.!

Posted by: pylorns@wetwired.org at March 31, 2005 07:34 PM (xDzgY)

8 Ok, yesterday was MY birthday....where's mine?!?!?!?!?!?!? LOL

Posted by: Mitzi Moore at April 01, 2005 06:25 AM (T3oAt)

9 Happy birtday, Mitzi! But before I can .net you, you've got to get a weblog. Silly Mitzi.

Posted by: Jim at April 01, 2005 08:50 AM (tyQ8y)

10 Before I can get a weblog, I would have to have a life...Silly Jim...lol

Posted by: Mitzi Moore at April 02, 2005 10:10 PM (oMzS4)

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The one who comes into the office with sickness oozing out of his pores. I didn't want to come in today. In fact I would happily (well, as happily as possible bearing in mind the sickness) have worked from home but I left all of my project notes at work. I did this on purpose so as to avoid the temptation of working over the weekend. I made a special effort not to work over the weekend because my dad and step-mom were visiting us for the weekend.

Incidentally, that's why there wasn't anything here on Friday. We were enjoying 80 degrees and sun as we traipsed all over Stone Mountain.

We had a great time with the visit. Bacon was attached to Papa's leg for close to 4 days straight. Bear taught him how to get pummeled in record time playing his favorite video game. Sunday's festivities included hunts for two baskets per child (I told them the Easter Bunny was overstocked so was liquidating some of his stock), egg decoration with Nana and Papa (I have no idea how they kept these three ruffians so clean during the dying phase), an egg hunt (Burger won hands down with 21 eggs), and dinner out at our favorite family restaurant the Golden Corral (when you have three kids, the buffet is your friend).

I've been battling the sickness all weekend. I think I'm past the contagious part but just in case I've taken steps to avoid infecting my coworkers. I have a spray bottle with bleach in it and any time somebody walks into my cube I squirt them. This works well not only to kill any germs they may have inadverdently picked up but also to discourage future visits.

Posted by: Jim at 09:03 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 300 words, total size 2 kb.

1 If you're that guy, then I'm that girl. About the only things that'll keep me home are spontaneously releasing bodily fluids or a fever high enough to make me too delirious to drive. My sick days are saved for the kidlet. :-) But I'll be sure to use that bleach spray idea in the future. That's much better than the "Quarantined by order of the CDC" sign I typically use. ;-)

Posted by: Kathleen at March 28, 2005 09:43 AM (zGCA0)

2 LOL! I need a spray bottle of bleach in my cube. Man, I hope you feel better. All three kids got the flu... one week at a time. I thought it would never leave my home. Some how... I managed not to get it. I keep saying it's my superior immune system. No doubt that will come back and bite me in the butt sooner or later...

Posted by: Boudicca at March 28, 2005 09:44 AM (z7nbM)

3 Well, I hope you feel better soon. And I agree about the buffet/young children thing. It is so much easier to eat out if the kids can be fed without significant wait time. So much easier.

Posted by: RP at March 28, 2005 10:37 AM (LlPKh)

4 "This works well not only to kill any germs they may have inadverdently picked up but also to discourage future visits." HA! So that's the trick...

Posted by: songstress7 at March 28, 2005 11:24 AM (jEGU/)

5 I thought you were admitting something I suspected, until I read past, "jerk."

Posted by: Victor at March 28, 2005 11:31 AM (L3qPK)

6 Bleach? What a softie. I use Ebola.

Posted by: Harvey at March 28, 2005 01:59 PM (tJfh1)

7 The buffet is our friend, too. Especially if it involves pizza (Cici's) or Chinese food (good place we haunt in Snellville). We do Golden Corral on occasion too, but it is a bit pricier (my kids are teenagers).

Posted by: diamond dave at March 28, 2005 04:25 PM (75WzH)

8 (((Jim))) Or, on the other hand, keep your flipping germs to yourself, freak.

Posted by: Elizabeth at March 28, 2005 09:02 PM (r/dTW)

9 I do the same thing. I don't like it when my employees call off sick, so I make it a point to come in when I'm sick. Back in January I was walking around work with pnuemonia. I figured why be miserable at home when I can be at work making others miserable.

Posted by: Contagion at March 29, 2005 08:45 AM (Q5WxB)

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It seems that I'm not the only person offended by the frequent flushing violations in our 2nd floor mens room. Yesterday somebody printed out and posted the following sign on the inside of the bathroom door:

Way back in 1953, the U.S. Department of Health (now the CDC) determined that flushing toilets and urinals in public restrooms reduced the spread of disease by more than 88%. Today's society has acrimoniously decreed that flushing should be an automatic function (hence the many infrared toilets today). This company has determined that the use of a paltry 1.5 gallons of water per flush is worth the investment to keep its workforce healthy. So, the question to you is...

Why Don't You
Flush?

It's disgusting, rude and unsanitary.
Go back and flush.

(and then wash your hands.)

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Post contains 243 words, total size 2 kb.

Just got a friendly "TO: Everybody" email about mailing things from the office. Item 1 reminded us that the deadline to drop mail in the mail room is 4:00 PM, M-F. Item 2 reminded us that the post office picks up from the mailbox out back at 4:30 PM, M-F. The third item dealt with personal mail:

Metering your PERSONAL mail is a COURTESY and not a company requirement. As always, your payment should accompany your personal mail unless youÂ’ve communicated otherwise. With that being said, please place your mail in the appropriate outgoing tray before 4PM. NOTE: If your personal mail happens to include renewal subscriptions to any pornographic magazines, materials, and suchlike, please make sure you take care of that on your own personal time!

I really want to know what inspired that note but the receptionist isn't talking.

Posted by: Jim at 03:44 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Well today was definitely interesting. I arrived at work to a message from my boss asking if I could join a meeting. He's remote and was having connectivity problems and there was too much visual going on for him to follow well over the phone. When I got into the meeting he dropped out.

So I was in a meeting with the execs from a new division of the company. The division is new because we just acquired their company. A morning and most of the early afternoon was spent helping them define their business objectives and doing business analysis and requirements for their web portal and consumer online presence.

Weird activities for a quality assurance specialist, eh?

Got a call from my boss during the meeting, asking me to call him back when I had a few minutes. Don't you hate messages like that? Ones that give you no clue why you're calling? I sure do.

So I called him and he explained that the very large project I am consulting on now was being reorganized. He was taking over management of the project himself. Problem being, he can't be on-site here to actually manage the project. So, could I help out by doing the business analysis and business requirements locally?

There's those words again. Business Analysis. Business Requirements. Not QA stuff. Program analysis and standards are QA things. But I love doing this stuff so I said of course I'd be happy to help. That's when he popped the question.

Would I consider leaving QA for a Project Management position? He wants me on the business side of the business, said I excelled there. Yes, QA is very important but he has a critical shortage on the BA side of his house. He reassured me that it wasn't a do or die thing. I was hired for QA, I am doing a fantastic job here, this job is secure if I want to stay in it. But, would I like to step to the next level under the executorium?

I said "Hell, yeah. What took you so long to offer it? I've been here waiting for five freaking months already! Hello?"

Well, maybe it was more along the lines of a gracious acceptance. The position switch will come about in the near future after we wrap me out of some QA projects.

Say hello to Jim Peacock, Project Manager elect.

Posted by: Jim at 02:47 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
Post contains 414 words, total size 2 kb.

1 Congratulations, I hope you enjoy the new position. I know personally I always love being promoted.

Posted by: Contagion at March 17, 2005 02:55 PM (Q5WxB)

2 Hello, Jim Peacock, Project Manager elect. Congrats!

Posted by: DeAnna at March 17, 2005 02:59 PM (IdVP4)

3 Congrats Project Manager Elect Jim Peacock.

Posted by: tommy at March 17, 2005 03:13 PM (VCRgB)

4 Eerie. Is your career path synchronized with Helen's, or what? Congratulations! May you know no Hadrians and no Roosters.

Posted by: ilyka at March 17, 2005 03:19 PM (q2ID+)

5 The use of an ancient Chinese curse in your title followed by news that your boss wanted to talk to you was unnerving. Thought you were going to tell us you were unemployed again. Anyway, happy to hear that the news was good instead. Congratulations!

Posted by: diamond dave at March 17, 2005 04:31 PM (Zd60f)

6 I've been following Ilyka around saying "What She Said" all day; why should this post be any different?

Posted by: Margi at March 17, 2005 05:29 PM (lWAiX)

7 When the honeymoon phase is over, drop me a line! Archive everything about this day because when you have a bad one (and I predict you will), you'll want a reminder about why you said yes to this role! I'm a manager of HR projects (including technology projects). I have three major organizational transformation projects on the go and I'm in major project head mode right now (i.e., waking up at three in the morning and leaving myself voice mails, having vivid dreams about murdering a member of my team or vice versa!). We have team sympathy cards, pre-signed with appropriate condolences by team members. When you have a bad day, you get the sympathy card and get to keep it until the next poor person has one! We also customize Dilbert cartoons and send them to ourselves. Get to know Dilbert. But to be serious for a minute, enjoy this moment! I wish you well........

Posted by: knpepper at March 17, 2005 08:13 PM (MURV4)

8 I really enjoyed when I was a Project Manager. Have fun! I think it's a great job.

Posted by: Bou at March 17, 2005 08:40 PM (z7nbM)

9 I should get at least one synchronicity point; you're going from a QA job into a project manager job and I'm going from a project management job into a QA job (yes, I know it's management, but it's still in the QA department). Eerily coincidental, doncha think? And congrats; I'm sure it's well-deserved.

Posted by: Kathleen at March 17, 2005 08:58 PM (zGCA0)

10 Jim, I am damn happy for you and thrilled that people are leaning on you and know you are competent. Congrats on that, sweetie. May org charts fall in your stride. I swear I don't want to urinate all over your public holiday, but are you sure about all of the details? Did you get a pay raise and agree that you have the control of the project (warning bells sounded when you wrote: "He was taking over management of the project himself. Problem being, he can't be on-site here to actually manage the project. So, could I help out by doing the business analysis and business requirements locally?" In my world that translates to: you don't get the say-so, you get to be the go-to guy. I swear I just want you to be covered on all bases-I would hate for you to be in the utter hell I am in, especially since I know you are competent and clever and deserve this. *wipes self now*

Posted by: Helen at March 18, 2005 03:27 AM (Vd6WF)

11 hooray Jim! Does this mean I can include you as a 'contact' in my network now? Let's do lunch!

Posted by: shank at March 18, 2005 09:02 AM (+H1yK)

12 hello to Jim Peacock, Prime Minister reject. Hope you get elected next time. OO! 1pm! Time for my dyslexia medication...

Posted by: Harvey at March 18, 2005 01:55 PM (tJfh1)

13 I agree /w what Helen said. Similar thing happened to me; it stank. The very best of luck to you, Jim. I know *you* make your own luck, and that's the best kind.

Posted by: Victor and his fifteen pet rats at March 18, 2005 03:48 PM (L3qPK)

14 Thanks everybody! Fear not, Helen and Victor, it's on the up and up. This particular project is a problem child but the position will be the real thing. Not to toot my own horn but they're removing an established Project Manager and putting me on instead because it only started actually moving when I started working on it.

Posted by: Jim at March 18, 2005 03:54 PM (tyQ8y)

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It's March 15th and that means The Grande 2004 Peacock Invitational has come to a close. So, how did we do?

Of the five of us, two made it. Tiffany's breasts did not get bigger as planned but except for this small setback she made it through a smoke free year without a problem. Tig made it too and keeps his last unsmoken ciggarette as a war trophy.

I lost it sometime during my pain filled unemployment days. Ironic, eh? Lose a job and pick back up an expensive bad habit. Jeremy didn't make it either. Busy stress life brought this valiant warrior low. And what of Joey? He got busy with school and work and disappeared many moons ago. It's possible that he survived but signs point to no. If he ever resurfaces we'll ask him and collect cash if what we suspect is true.

So over the course of a year we had a 40% success rate. That's hella better than any professional system out there. Think I should pattent this?

Posted by: Jim at 05:51 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
Post contains 183 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I was wonder what had happened - I'd seen where you had removed your link (or whatever you did to signify you were out of the running.) So - did you pay the blood money??

Posted by: Clancy at March 15, 2005 08:48 AM (JxYJc)

2 Yup. Jeremy and I paid up. Joey just vanished so nobody knows what happened with him.

Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2005 08:55 AM (tyQ8y)

3 Tiffani's link goes to Tig's blog. Guess you were having a bad copy-and-paste day :-)

Posted by: Harvey at March 16, 2005 02:39 PM (tJfh1)

4 Doh! Fixed now. I guess that shows just how often my links are used.

Posted by: Jim at March 16, 2005 02:44 PM (tyQ8y)

5 *cries at name mis-spelling*

Posted by: Tiffany at March 16, 2005 07:47 PM (bj98V)

6 Name mis-spelling? What name mis-spelling? [whistles nonchallantly] Sorry about that, Tiffany. I was working up interview questions for my blogdaughter just before this post and I had "i" on the brain.

Posted by: Jim at March 16, 2005 07:50 PM (MDLz3)

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Over the weekend I received an email from a phisher trying to get my eBay log-in information. I'm not exactly sure why my eBay log-in information would be of any value to anybody. It's a buy-as-you-go type of place so it's not like they would have gotten any of my money or anything.

But it really pissed me off. It pissed me off enough that I went through the email headers to find the originator domain and sent this email to their abuse address:

One of your customers is a motherfucking, cock sucking, phishing bastard. I sincerely hope he dies with his severed cock shoved up his ass as he gags on his own vomit.

Just thought you'd like to know. Headers below, followed by the phishing email:

[headers]

[original email]

You can tell I was really angry because I never say "gag" unless I'm seriously burnt.

Unbelievably, I got an actual answer back, from an actual email address, from what (if I close my eyes and click my heels together three times) could be confused with an actual person!

Hello,

We are currently investigating who sent that message.

Kind regards,
Vlad Georgiev
Technical Support

Sure, it's an auto-response and yeah, it's probably from the same group that is doing the phishing. Still, through an alcohol induced haze it appeared like I was making a difference, and isn't that really what it's all about?

Appearances, yeah.

Posted by: Jim at 11:07 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Post contains 239 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I think they wanted your login to get to your Paypal login possibly. Also, they could use your account to bid on things, for which you would pretty much have to pay for right? I guess it would be a good way to make sure they sold their stuff at decent prices.

Posted by: shank at March 14, 2005 12:21 PM (+H1yK)

2 Hmmmm..... I just got a phishing email at my charter.net addy ..... and that irritates me!! Thats the first one I've gotten at that addy ..... Whatever you do .....NEVER EVER EVER click on the link provided in those emails!!!!!! NEVER EVER!!

Posted by: Denise at March 14, 2005 12:22 PM (JTlEe)

3 How 'bout giving us some standard form letters for replies to phishing scams? I just love your command of the English language and ability to properly communicate in a business letter format. Think we can all learn from it. "...severed cock shoved up his ass as he gags on his own vomit" indeed!

Posted by: diamond dave at March 14, 2005 10:25 PM (P0Fqu)

4 Feel free to use this one as an all purpose template, Dave. You'd be surprised at the results it gets!

Posted by: Jim at March 15, 2005 05:15 AM (MDLz3)

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Yesterday's stank source has been identified. I was more correct with the stink bomb theory, except the perpetrators were our IT guys.

We have a large server farm located downtown (production) and a smaller farm locally (development). The server room is protected by an advanced fire retardant system. If fire is detected it floods the room with a gas that eliminates all oxygen therefor extinguishing the fire. The gas is harmless to electrical components and is odorless.

Odorless, that is, until a chemical is added to it to produce a strong odor. This is done to give an olfactory notification that the system was used and the room is compromised and possibly dangerous until completely ventilated. A very good idea.

Unfortunately the chemical used produces a smell like burning sulfur or Zeus's own gaseous expulsion. Why in the world would they choose such an obnoxious odor for the telltale? What's wrong with cinnamon or vanilla? Maybe a fresh pine scent would give just as much notice that something happened and yet allow everybody within the building work without constantly fighting their gag reflex. Hell, I'd settle for new car smell.

Personally I think it has something to do with the fact that the corporate IT guys work downtown. I bet their system smells like roses when it goes off.

Posted by: Jim at 08:22 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 223 words, total size 1 kb.

Got on the elevator this morning and was immediately assaulted. Somebody had fouled the beast.

Got off of the elevator and was met with a stronger version of the same odor. Apparently somebody had done a preliminary attack in the elevator and then launched the atomic blast in the atrium.

Walked to my cube and found no lessening of the odoriferous monstrosity. The terrorist must be somebody in my department.

Went to the break room for coffee. Stank present. Now I began to worry.

In amazement I made a full tour of the floor. The smell of anal exhalation was everywhere.

Either we've been stink bombed or somebody's guts have turned feral.

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife is a huge U2 fan. She even likes the crap that came out after The Joshua Tree. Now THAT'S dedication.

Anyway, they're currently touring and there's a decent chance they'll be coming through Atlanta. They're continual teasing about it anyway. Lovely Wife went online to find out how much U2 tickets are running at their other venues on the tour.

Here's a serious question for y'all. What flavor of stupid do you need to be to pay $4,800+ for a ticket to see a band? Any band. Led Zeppelin reunited - not worth it. The Beatles in their prime - not worth it. Lynrd Skynrd's Back From The Dead Tour - with an intermission show where they "Go Southern" on the Dixie Chicks - not worth it. Well, maybe. Depending on what I meant by "Go Southern".

The point is that if I'm paying $4,800 to see U2 the concert better end with Bono giving me a blowjob while The Edge juggles my jewels. Whoever else is in the band can serve drinks and pastries and provide towels as needed.

I'm just saying.

Posted by: Jim at 12:44 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I've written a short essay on the fundamental problem in our current public school systems. You can find it at Zero Intelligence.

RP's post here is what sparked it and his post is a good read as well.

Posted by: Jim at 08:24 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The first issue of the Vacant Funhouse, an online webzine featuring short stories and poetry of a horrific and macabre nature, is up. Issue #1 features the short story Hunting Todd by everybody's favorite blogger with an alarm clock themed weblog title.

Spread the word. Do links and things to the Funhouse. Make them ubersuccessful so they'll buy lots more of my stories and make me rich so I can retire to a tropic isle and blog full time.

Posted by: Jim at 09:07 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1. The Author grants permission to include his/her story entitled ___”Hunting Todd_," a work of approximately _2726____words, hereinafter referred to as the Work, in THE VACANT FUNHOUSE...

What's that about? Well, I've just sold my first story! The Vacant Funhouse is "A Webzine of horror, mystery, suspense and crime short fiction and poetry." More importantly, they've recognized my genius and purchased one of my light horror short stories for their debut issue.

Said issue will be up later today at which point I will link it prominently. Y'all should do likewise so they become amazingly successful and continue to buy my short stories.

Posted by: Jim at 11:22 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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It's one of those mornings...

It was very cold this morning. Cold enough that I cranked the heater in the van up all the way. As such things go it eventually got too hot.

So I turned the radio down. Amazingly it was still too hot.

I turned the radio down some more. Still too hot.

In exasperation I turned the radio off. The heat did not diminish.

Great, I thought, now I have to replace my radio.

Where's my coffee?

Update: We have a nice coffee set-up here. For creamer we have those little half-and-half containers that you peel the top off of. The first creamer went into the coffee cup normally. The second one emptied successfully. The third one caused a spill. It took me several seconds to realize that container two and three had been poured into container one.

Now you see why I need a secretary.

Posted by: Jim at 09:15 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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We just had a hailstorm here. It was beautiful but short. You wouldn't think frozen precipitation would delight an old Buffalo son but I think this was the first real hail storm I've ever seen.

The granules were very small, maybe a millimeter, and came down strong and steady. Looking out through the hail was a curious mixture of snowstorm and rain shower. They fell like rain but had the luminescence of snow. The tiny balls of ice bounced through the leaves of the trees like the disks in a Kerplunk game. Just beautiful.

It's been over for a couple of minutes now and the accumulation is already melted. Ah, nature's wonders are ever transitory.

Posted by: Jim at 10:10 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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