It's time for the Cheddar X! more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:07 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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A little New Year's Cheddar for your enjoyment:

1. How do you organize your music?
I don't. Once long ago there was a purposeful random disorganization along with a detailed index. The index got out of date so it was abandoned. I've tried once or twice to put the CD's in alphabetical order but that only lasts for a relatively short time. On my PC at work I do have one slight bit of organization. One folder has classical music, the other has everything else.

2. Do you have more online or more hard copy music?
Hard copy. I have some MP3s ripped to my PC at work for listening there but I have none at home.

3. What are your three most favorite bands you found or heard of online?
None. I've never found a one of 'em online.

4. What are your New Year's resolutions, if any?
I posted those in the Resolutional a couple days ago.

5. How did you do on your last year's resolutions?
I don't know. I can't remember if I made any last year. If you've read the post linked in #4 above you've probably caught that I'm not huge on resolutions.

Posted by: Jim at 01:20 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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In 2004, I resolve to:

1. Drink more


2. Eat more


3. Cuss more


4. Diddle both myself and others on a far less frequent basis


5. Blow more cash on gadgets and jeejaws


6. Get into massive debt


7. See #4 again


8. Develop a hair-trigger temper


9. Totally obsess over the upcoming elections


10. One more time for #4

You see, I don't hold a lot of truck with New Years Resolutions. If you need to change something, the fact that you profess it at the beginning of the year doesn't really do anything towards helping you accomplish the change. And doesn't it have some sort of "New Wave Psychic Confessional" feel to have people parading out what they think are their worst habits in need of changing? Some wierd "Resolutional" vibe?

Besides that, I like to win and the typical resolution has a distinct chance of failure. With my way, failing to keep my resolutions is actually a success for me personally. On the odd chance that I do keep one then I've succeeded in keeping a resolution. Either way, I win.

Do you have any items to get off your chest at the Resolutional?

Posted by: Jim at 04:11 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Cheese is best when properly aged so this extremely late Cheddar X should be phenomenal! more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:48 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Hooray for pizza, Breasty!

Posted by: Lawren at December 29, 2003 10:13 AM (L9mwf)

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It's Friday and that means its time to serve up a wedge of Cheddar X. The format is a bit different this week. Johnny Huh explains:

Choose one of your favorite bands and answer the questions using song titles by that band. I think it would add some fun to not name the band and see how hard it is for people to guess (guessing, by the way, does not include using Google so no cheating!). But do it either way you want to.

I cheated just a little bit and used a singer and that singer's original group. 2 points each for the singer and the group (no internet searching, remember!). And what the heck, 2 more points for the group that sang the song that inspired the title to this post. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:12 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Cheddar X, that is. It's a Cheesy Movie Friday (in the extended post). more...

Posted by: Jim at 05:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Yes, the end of the week is here and that means it's time for The Cheddar X!

In the interest of saving space and keeping the Paris Hilton porn post as close to the top of the page as possible I've put the Cheddar in the extended entry. more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:14 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Time for another round of The Cheddar X. more...

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Jennifer's interview of me is ready for your perusal. Ever wonder what's up with the giant cow udder? Now's your chance to find out.

Posted by: Jim at 04:25 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Here, have some Cheddar

1. What's the worst candy you've ever gotten on Halloween?
Necco wafers. What the hell is that about? It's not sweet, it's not sour, it has the consistency of chalk and tastes like that nasty pseudo bread that the priests pass off as Jesus meat.

2. What is your best comfort food?
Chocolate milk. Not just any chocolate though. It has to be Nestle Quick powder so it won't actually disolve all the way and you get little choco granule bits and a thick brown slurry at the bottom of the glass.

3. When was the last time you tried a new vegetable or fruit and what was it?
The last new fruit I remember trying was kiwi and I thought it was quite a bit like a lemon crossed with a strawberry with extra seeds added. I can't for the life of me figure out what is so special about those things.

4. Is there a dish your mom or dad made for you growing up that you hated and can't even stand to think of now?
Liver and onions. Do you know what the liver does? It filters all of the nasty poisonous crap out of your blood so you won't die from your own internal filth. And people eat this?

5. What's your favorite snacking food?
Cheese. Good cheese like a nice boerenkaas gouda or aged cheddar. Ementaller is one of my favorites.

Bonus Question. What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
I was briefly dressed up as a bottle of Tequila today but they made me take off the costume when I wouldn't stop talking about the worm in the bottle.

Posted by: Jim at 12:01 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Referred by Suburban Blight to OTP who ripped it off of North Georgia Dogma.

A-ACTOR (favorite): Sean Connery

B-BOYHOOD IDOLS (in the non-biblical sense): John "Hannibal" Smith, Commander Adama

C-CHORE YOU HATE: Chores? I have a wife. [duck] SWISH [/duck] more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Than a slice of aged Cheddar,
In the mooooooooorningk.

(Read that in a Bugs Bunny singing voice for the full effect.) more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:18 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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And he's headed straight for my Cheddar X!

1. Of the cast of characters in your life today, who amongst them are people that you cannot envisage your life without?
Lovely Wife and G. And that's not because they'll be reading this sometime either. I have no idea what I would do or where I would be if Lovely Wife wasn't in my life but I know it wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am now. Same with G - he's my cousin but he's also (and more importantly) my best friend.

2. If you could name a Talk Like Day (as in our recent Talk Like a Pirate Day), what day would you initiate?
How about Talk Like an Intelligent Adult Day? For one day there would be no Spanglish, Ebonics, pidgin English, colloquial butchery, slanglish, etc.

3. What's your favorite home remedy for a cold or flu?
For a cold I don't have one. Either suck it up or self medicate. You will not beat a cold no matter what the advertisers tell you. For a flu I recommend large quantities of alcohol. Hey, if you're going to be miserable with a splitting head and puke bucket next to the bed anyway then you might as well. It's like a "Get out of Hangover Free" card.

4. What's your most embarassing moment? (I could swear this has been asked before but I can't find it anywhere)
You're thinking of "What's the absolute dumbest thing you've done?". My answer to that one works for this one too.

5. What's the funniest product name you've come across or invented?
Colon Blow cereal and New Super Colon Blow - with twigs! in honor of the plethora of root and bark breakfast options that became available a few years ago.

6. What's your ideal honeymoon?
A couple weeks at the Playboy Mansion would fit the bill. Okay, so it might not be the most romantic setting but if you can tell your buds that you spent your honeymoon at the Playboy Mansion do you know how many Guy Points you would get? That's like hitting the Lottery right there!

Extra Credit
10 points to anybody (except G) who can tell me where the title to this post came from.

Posted by: Jim at 08:58 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Faster than a hit counter during an Instalanche, more cheesy than those nasty new chips from Nabisco, able to leap clean over the Friday 5 in a single bound, it's the Cheddar X.

1. This one's from Lileks: “Families of terrorists who blow up men, women and children, some of whom are Americans, no longer receive money from Saddam, because Saddam no longer rules Iraq. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Explain.”
I'm not so sure that the premise of the question is correct. If Saddam is still alive, as most intelligence sources believe, he isn't hurting for cash. Continuing to funnel money to Exploder Corp would still be a worthwhile venture for him. Keeps the goodwill of the terrorists and sets up a retreat for him if needed. If he can make it to the occupied territories nobody can go in and touch him without being branded as anti-Pal for invading them. To answer the question though - Yes, it is a very good thing. The less support that there is for radical terrorist groups the better it is for all concerned.

2. You've got the Magic Button of Death. Every time you press the button the person you want to kill will die. One other random person will also die. Do you use the button? Who do you whack?
Do you remember that video game Track & Field? The faster you pressed the button the faster your guy would run and there was no upper limit. To get ludicrous high scores you would lace a comb through the fingers of your left hand, rest the edge of the comb on the button and then do an impersonation of the worlds fastest telegraph operator. Now picture me with the Magic Button, a comb and a great big grin. The list of people who need to die for the betterment of mankind is long but Arafat and Hussein would definitely top the list. Former likely targets such as Charles Taylor would be spared to encourage other Evils in Power to step down peacefully.

Okay, daydream is over now. No, I don't think I could actually use the button. It's not because I have any problem with taking the life of a Hussein, Arafat or bin Laden. It's because of the "Monkey's Paw" clause that takes the life of a random person when The Button is used. I know that collateral deaths are a regrettable but inevitable part of targetted strikes. I know that a single casualty to take out these monsters is way better than any real world situation could provide. I also know that taking them out would save dozens, hundreds, even thousands of lives in the future. I just don't think that I could bring myself to take that one random life in order to do it.

Maybe I'd give my button to Rumsfield and then watch for the inevitable signs of carpal tunnel syndrome.

3. You've won a million dollars with the conditions that you can only use it to purchase things for yourself and anything you haven't spent in a month is forfeit. What do you buy?
1983 Porche 911 Turbo Cabriolet, approximately $50,000.
2004 Itasca Horizon, approximately $100,000.
House of my dreams, approximately $300,000 (I have moderate tastes).
Every kick ass widget and geejaw that a geek could have a wet dream over (plasma TVs, PCs from Hell, Bang & Olufsen systems, etc.), probably around $125,000.
Stocks, bonds, gold bars, other assets would make up the remainder.

4. You've won a million free and clear. What do you do with it?
"If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a monkey. Haven't you always wanted a monkey?"

Houses and cars get paid off for Pops, G, Moms, S-Sis and S-Bro. Moms gets a house in Georgia, Lil Bro gets a new piano and coffee maker plus tuition paid (he's hard to shop for). Pay off debts for Lovely Wife & Me. Buy the dream house noted above, new minivan for Lovely Wife, car for me. New PCs for Lovely Wife & myself. Kick Ass tree house/fort/playground for the kids. Great Dane for Lovely Wife. Trip to Hawaii for all of us. The rest goes to savings and investments.

5. What song or band do you listen to when you want to reminisce or visit a moment in your past? What's the moment?
Rough question for me. I pretty much stopped listening to music for enjoyment around a decade ago. I'll occasionally use it for background noise and if somebody else has it on that's cool. I'll even play DJ at a party when the muse strikes me but I can't remember the last time I instigated music for the sake of listening to it. That said, if I happen to hear Led Zeppelin or Nirvana it takes me back to OR Tech school in Oakland. Concrete Blond will bring me back to my days rooming at E's house in Amherst. Hall & Oats puts me way back to my proto-geek days when I first discovered RPGs and video games made their debut.

6. Can you know what someone is like just based on how they look or act without meeting them?
In the absolute sense it's dangerous to assume that you know a person based on their appearance. I myself will most often be found in a moderately ripped t-shirt and threadbare shorts though I'm a far cry from what that would typically indicate. I wear those because they have not yet invented polo shirts and slacks that are as comfortable and I am all about comfortable. In the abstract, yes, you can. Appearances do count and generally speaking you can tell a lot about a person (or the person they are trying to be) by the image they are projecting. If you've got a punk haircut and a chain running between the rings in your eyebrows, nose and chin then I'm going to assume that you're a punk until you prove otherwise. If you show up to work in a skirt suit, delightful perfume, just the right amount of leg showing and a decent amount of heel under your shoe then I'm going to take you seriously and give you the benefit of an assumption of intelligence and class. That's assuming that you're female. If you are a guy dressed like that then I'm going to have an entirely different set of preconceived notions.

Posted by: Jim at 07:56 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Happy Birthday to you.
You look like a monkey,
and you smell like one too.

That's how it goes, right? I'm trying to recall the birthday traditions of my youth in order to pass them down to the boys. You see, summer is birthday season for our clan. Bear was July 24. Pop is Aug 8. Big Sis is Aug 9. Mom is Aug 10. And today? Well, today is when I officially turn twice as many years old as I was when I graduated high school.

Spooky. I don't feel 34. I certainly don't act it. I mean, 34 is so...adult. Heck, I spent a good chunk of last night playing Wario World on the Newly Restored Ultra Incredibly Cool Nintendo Brand Game Cube! Until I had to stop to rescue Burger from a nightmare and spent a half hour rubbing his tummy and talking him down until he could sleep again. Heck, as soon as I post this I'm going to fire up another game. Probably Medieval: Total War. Until the rugrats wake up, of course. Then I'll go upstairs, wipe butts as necessary, assist as needed with AM tooth cleansing, help the older ones pick out clothes, dress up the little guy, do the 4 dwarfs walk downstairs (Hi ho, hi ho, it's down the stairs we go.), get the breakfasts going, etceteras.

Taking an inventory we have: slowly thinning hair, minivan, "Dad" job, whole life, term life, medical, dental, renters, auto, supplemental life, clean house, 3 kids, Lovely Wife. When Lovely Wife went to New Orleans, G offered to take me to his favorite ballet club. (Ballet club is a Buffalo euphamism for the Canadian Ballet, or strip club.) My response was how about 6 Flags instead?

Damn. I am growing up.

Posted by: Jim at 07:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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>From the Cheddar X. This is even better than an (i)FAQ. Actual questions from other people!

1. What is people's greatest misconception about you?
That I'm whipped. When I answer a "Wanna go/do xxxx" question with "Lemme check with Lovely Wife" I get some sad and pitying looks. Trust me, if I want to go somewhere/do something, it's going to be gone and/or done. I check with Lovely Wife for a couple reasons. Most importantly, I have absolutely zero ability to recall my own committments. This is a malfunction in my brain that has been there since childhood. (On the plus side my haywire wiring allows me to read a list of 5 questions and "write" my responses in my head while editing a support document and simultaneously running regression testing on new software.) I have no idea if I'm already committed to doing/going something/somewhere at the time the question is asked. Second, unless Lovely Wife knows about it I will not be reminded about it so I will not end up going/doing somewhere/something. Lastly, I've got a Lovely Wife and three kids and I'm a committed hubby/daddy. I'm also whipped.

2. What is your most over used expression?
"Could be worse. Could be raining."

3. If they made a movie of your life, who would you want to play you and who do you think would end up playing you?
Want: Tom Hanks. Get: Martin Short

4. If you could have sex with anyone, ever, who would it be?
All of the above. Oh, sorry, that wasn't multiple choice. Catherine Zeta-Jones is the sexiest woman in the world, IMHO, but from what I've read in interviews and the fact that she married Michael Douglas she appears to be seriously "challenged" in the intellect department. That makes Elizabeth Hurley the champ in my bed. Gorgeous, smart, funny, gorgeous and you just know she's a wild lay.

5. What's the best and worst thing you've done for or to your appearance?
Best is dropping 50 odd pounds of lard that I carried around for waaaay too long. Worst was a mullet. Do not comment on the mullet. I know.

6. What's your best physical trait?
My back. I'm vertically challenged so my wide back & big shoulders have been my saving grace. So long as I'm not standing next to another human I look bigger. Plus, looking like a prototypical Irish brawler has allowed me to be an irritating prick without actually having to get my ass kicked.

UPDATE:

I have been informed by G that being whipped is not the the correct answer for #1. The answer should have been that people believe that I am productive and diligent. This is due to the fact that I work quickly and efficiently and never procrastinate. I do that because I am lazy. Very lazy. Lazy with a capital "L". By doing things quickly and efficiently I get them out of the way so I have more time to do nothing. By not procrastinating I prevent the terror inducing situation where I must work because something is due or (horror of horrors) overdue. Do not mistake my work ethic for a desire to actually work.

Posted by: Jim at 08:51 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I had such a great time pretending there was an audience so interested in me that they were asking actual questions that I am continuing my self delusion with even more (in)frequently asked questions.

Q: How long are you going to do this (i)FAQ thing?

A: Until it bores me. Generally speaking that's how long I do everything including work, driving, sex, taking care of the fish tank, etc.

Q: Why do you use big words?

A: I don't use that many, really, but I have been known to use them on occassion. Here's the thing - The English language is gorgeous. We have the largest selection of words to use in the world because we take words from every other language in existence (and some languages that aren't). We combine words to make new words, morph words into new words, retire and rehabilitate words and generally do everything in our power to make English as difficult for a foreigner to learn as humanly possible. (Just ask Lovely Wife if you don't believe me.)

Let me put it another way. What sounds better?

1) Kate, whom we all adore, has a nearly perfect ass.
2) We adore the callypigian Ms. Kate.

#2 is much a much sexier sentence. Yes, it has a disadvantage because many people don't know what callypigian means but you don't have to be a cunning linguist to figure it out. Plus, look how concise #2 is. I've saved you, my dear reader, 4 entire words with that sentence! Let's try another one.

1) I can almost feel pity for the PLO when Meryl unshrouds their rancorous claims of revanche. But not really.
2) The PLO is a bunch of murderous thugs led by the worlds oldest terrorist and any chance of true peace in the Middle East is contingent upon the total annihilation of this group.

Now this one is a bit harder to choose a winner but that's mostly because they say totally different things. #1 is shorter and has cooler words though so we'll give that one the ribbon.

Q: How's the sex life?

A: Freakin' awesome! It's always been good but marriage year 5 has been exceptional and keeps getting better. Not sure why but if I had to guess it's because:

1) Lovely Wife and I are very much in tune with each other.
2) I dropped a load of fat. Lovin' is much better when you can breath during and after the pump and grind.
3) We're more rested. We finally have consecutive nights with no sleep interruptions due to screaming children.

Q: You're just bragging now, aren't you?

A: Yeah, but it's my blog so I'm allowed to.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Welcome to my (in)Frequently Asked Questions post. How (in)frequently have these questions been asked? Well, I'll just say that your question should have been phrased in the form of my answer and we'll go on from there.

Q: How did you meet Lovely Wife?

A: We met over the internet. She was a German living in Illinois, I was living in Buffalo. I was new to the Internet and playing around with ICQ and other messaging software. She went looking for a random profile to chat someone up and came up with mine. She liked my tag line (If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?) so started up a chat. We became closer gradually, helped each other through a breakup each and eventually realized we really, really wanted to be together. A bit over a year later she was living in The Netherlands (aka: Holland) and she came back here for our first RL visit. She never went back. 5 years later, 3 kids, much happiness.

I have been known to play the lottery occasionally now.

Q: What's your problem with guns?

A: I don't have a problem with guns. I'm actually quite fond of them. I often have a problem with people that have guns. Many of these people use them to shoot other people. I am fully aware that people have killed and will kill other people without guns. Guns just make it very, very easy. Guns also make it easy to accidentally kill people. How many accidental stabbing deaths have there been? The Constitution says we can own guns. I'm fine with that, I just want to put a better screen on what it takes to buy one. If you're an idiot - no gun. If you're a criminal - no gun. If you're a nut - no gun. When in doubt, err on the side of not letting idiots, criminals and nuts have guns.

Q: So would you own a gun yourself?

A: Probably not. There are few reasons to have one: hunting, protection, sport shooting. I don't fit any of those. I haven't hunted in many years. I never have and likely never will simply "go shootin" whether it's targets or clay pigeons. My 22 year old hickory bat is all I want or need for home protection. I guarantee I only need to connect once to take all of the fight out of an intruder. After all, I have the home field advantage. So I have no real reason to get a gun and 3 excellent reasons not to get a gun (Hint: Bear, Bacon and Burger).

Q: Are you some bleeding heart liberal?

A: Nope. Most liberal causes leave me sick to my stomach.

Q: So are you a conservative?

A: Nope. Although the conservative agenda sits much better with my orderly (read: anal retentive) thought processes, as a collective plan it rubs me the wrong way.

Q: Green?

A: Hehe. Hehehe. Hehehaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, Lordy. That's a good one! Tell me another.

Q: So what the heck are you then?

A: No idea. I support the individual policies that I support. Some of them are openly (and unapologetically) contradictory. I'm a big supporter of the armed forces. I believe in gun control. I think that government should get out of just about everything that it is into. I believe that States' rights and powers should come before the Federals'. I'll vote for a candidate that I like and trust before I vote for a candidate that apes my policies. I was happy that Clinton won until he made me regret it. I was sad that Bush won until he made me happy he did. Overall I guess I lean a bit to the right. If you must pigeonhole me then call me a Reformist Antidisestablishmentarian, but not really.

Q: You don't like politicians much, do you? Why not?

A: No, I don't. Two words: Cynthia McKinney. Two more: John Kerry. Okay, two more: Newt Gingrich. These people, and many more like them, were/are elected to public office. High public office. Blatant lies, blatant racism, skullduggery, party politics, nepotism, you name it. All considered part and parcel for the highest leaders in the land. There are some good, honest, hard working and dedicated politicians. They are both overshadowed and tainted by the performances of their compatriots.

Q: How would you fix the problem?

A: Oh, my sad, naive friend. Your question assumes that the problem is fixable. I seriously doubt that it is but let's give it a good old fashioned Yankee try:

1: Abolish political parties. The vast amount of ridiculous crap that goes on in the government is a direct result of the party system. Partisan politics is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. Does anybody seriously think that Cynthia McKinney could have been elected/reelected without the support of her party? Does anybody seriously think that anybody in the party supported her? Hell no! They would have supported a tortoise with a lisp to secure that seat in Congress.

2: Start the Finger and Toe Policy. In addition to the current required standards (not that those actually serve any useful purpose) let the people issue a monthly referendum of support for their elected officials. If the official has at least 33% approval then all is well. If they don't they must either vacate office or cut off a finger or toe (their choice). This would correct the problem where politicians ignore their constituents until they need to campaign for reelection.

3: Do not allow idiots, criminals and/or nuts into office. The public has proven conclusively that they do not have the ability to prevent these people from gaining office through the simple act of not voting for said idiots, criminals and/or nuts. To protect the people from themselves, candidates would have to take tests to prove that they are intelligent, not past or probable future jailbirds and are not in any way, shape or form a loony.

Q: Would you really cut off politicians' fingers?

A: And toes. Please go back and reread that paragraph. Thanks.

Posted by: Jim at 10:49 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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