July 30, 2004
You're all wrong
A Perfectly Cromulent Blog
has odds posted for
which Simpsons character will be coming out of the closet. There's pretty good analysis there but there's one glaring problem - no Duff Man.
That's right, the hidden gay character in the Simpsons is none other than Duff Man himself. That's right. Duff Man. The symbol of drunken debauchery, high times and overconsumption is the closet gay. Hard to believe? Think Spudz McKenzie. The beer drinking world was shocked to the core when it was discovered that Spudz was a female dog. We'll be seeing Homer and the rest of the lushes questioning their own masculinity as Duff beer sales crash. Of course a certain segment of the population will gain an appreciation for the beverage but it won't quite make the transfer to trendy drink.
We'll see a suddenly effeminate Duff Man tossed out on his fabulous keister and befriended by Homer and family who, in typical fashion, will build him back up to the point where he challenges Duff corporate types and wins back his job. During the recovery watch for a scene at Moe's and interaction with many of Springfield's more "sensitive" characters. At least one (probably Smithers) will be drafted by Homer to provide a source of inspiration for DM.
I should be a comic writer. I really should.
Posted by: Jim at
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Hate to burst your bubble, but this is what I have written at the end of the extended entry:
"Since I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to be something fairly obvious (Lenny and Carl are worrying me), I'll go with an essentially left field prediction: DuffMan - who I feel certain is hiding his true feelings behing that party hardy attitude, and Handsome Pete, who dances for nickels. Or maybe Poochie."
But hey, great minds think alike.
Posted by: Pete at July 30, 2004 11:04 AM (EKMxC)
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Oh, damn! How'd I miss that?
Consider my bubble burst. We'll just go with that "great minds" part.
My second guess is Rainier "McBain" Wolfcastle cause what would be funnier than a gay Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Posted by: Jim at July 30, 2004 11:53 AM (IOwam)
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I was thinking McBain but he's not regular enough to make it work. If we're going real left field what about the substitute teacher Lisa fell for, I think Dustin Hoffman did the voice...
I still like Comic Book Guy. For this, I mean. I don't
like him like that.
Posted by: Simon at August 02, 2004 04:26 AM (UKqGy)
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July 21, 2004
The Tour de Frog
It's pretty exciting that Lance Armstrong has taken the lead and is poised to win his 6th race. I do have one comment though: Where else but France do they reward the leader by letting him wear a yellow shirt?*
* And does it come with a little white flag?
Posted by: Jim at
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That's a damned good point.
Posted by: Paul at July 21, 2004 02:34 PM (Prvsw)
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I can't wait until Sunday. Making the frogs play our national anthem AGAIN right there in Paris is one of the greatest things in the world.
The commentators on OLN have been pronouncing the race Tour DEE France (with a long "a" in france) - it's some sort of joke. I don't understand the origins, but I get the joke...
Posted by: Clancy at July 21, 2004 03:03 PM (EGVPL)
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Dude! He's dating Sheryl Crow!
Proof that dorks on bikes pull the cuties.
Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 06:30 AM (pS7+B)
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Okay, let's put it to a vote. Lance Armstrong's greatest acheivement is:
a) banging Sheryl Crow
b) Winning the Tour DEEE France a record six times
c) Overcoming cancer
d)Wearing a yellow jersey for five years without looking like a complete panty waist.
I put it to you.
Posted by: shank at July 22, 2004 08:52 AM (+4mO/)
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The yellow jersey was not only a way to ID the lead rider, it was a way to sell more newspapers. The Tour day France was originally sponsored by a now-defunct frog sports newspaper that was printed on yellow paper. Yellow paper, yellow jersey...get it?
As for Bob Roll pronouncing it Tour day France, when he first rode the Tour with 7-11, he noticed how snotty the Europeans in general, and the cheese-eaters in particular, were toward the American team (the only member of the team to get good press was their beautiful blond team masseuse, whose name escapes me). Everything bad was blamed on the Americans.
Crash in the rear, when 7-11 was up front?
Americain!
Dropped your water bottle?
Americain!
Your great aunt has gout?
Americain!
You get the idea,
non?
Bob said if you didn't pronounce everything just right, the Surrender Monkeys would pretend they didn't understand you. No water for you!
Mispronouncing the name of the race in interviews became their way of getting back at the the unbathed grape-stomping masses.
Of course, by now, even the douchebags are joking about it. Bobke tells how the Tour Director, Jean-Marie LeBlanc (what kind of person gives a guy
two girls names, anyway?) has gone up to him and asked, "How's your Tour day France, Bob?"
Posted by: Victor at July 22, 2004 09:07 AM (L3qPK)
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Thanks for the insight & history Victor - I figured as much. It makes me like Bob Roll all that much more. At first I thought he was annoying - now I think he's hilarious.
Posted by: Clancy at July 22, 2004 03:48 PM (EGVPL)
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Shank - It's (e), all of the above.
Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 04:30 PM (behRF)
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Frogs Hock Loogies on Lance
From NewsJerks.com
During a time trial on some mountain in France, several Frogs spit on Lance Armstrong, who is now kicking the derrieres of their French heroes on his way to win a record sixth Tour de Frog bicycle race. "There were lots of aggressive fans surrounding the riders and I even saw two idiots spit at Lance Armstrong," said French bicycle jaunt director Jean Marie-Leblanc (pronounced Jan Mary doo-Blank - yeah, I know, it's a girls name, but he's French, so . . .). "Unfortunately I doubt you can put barriers on the 14 kilometers of the climb." The French ought to know. After World War I, the ingenious snailchewers built a 150-mile-long wall to keep the Germans out, only to watch them walk right around the end of it into Paris. Smooth. Anyway, Lance ignored the cowards' spit and won the time trial. According to reports, when the Frenchies saw Lance ride right through the lungers, they dropped to their knees and began waving white flags. "The crowds were animated, I should say," said Armstrong, who didn't pay any attention to the Frog loogers but was annoyed by Kraut fans, whose spit, NewsJerks has been told, smelled like dark beer, headcheese sausage and filthy hookers' skanky coochies. "Although I enjoyed my day, I still think it's a bad idea to have a time trial on this mountain." Next year, Tour planners may consider a gay jaunt over the Mont de Peuw-Peuw landfill, where only the the Spanish fans hang out, and they have to save their saliva for kissing al Qaeda's ass.
Posted by: mike barwick at July 23, 2004 10:19 PM (Z0E0X)
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Wow!!! I'd heard americans were ignorant and yet pompus. After meeting a few that were intellegent, accepting individulas. I thought hey maybe its a sterotype that I should let go of. Then I came across this page and realised that the reason the other americans were such nice people was that they were intellegent enough to see america for what it is and get the hell out as soon as humanly possible.
Also if you want to make fun of the French you should at least get your jokes right. There is no language or dialect where " LE " is pronounced doo.
As well Jean is not pronounced Jan (as in Brady ) its pronounced more like John without an O. The female version of Jean is Jeanne which IS pronounced like Jan.
Last but not least the biggest terrorist group you should fear is not the Al Qaeda but the Carlyle group; a group that your own president is part of as well as Carlucci and Baker as is the bin Laden family.
Posted by: Jenn at August 13, 2004 06:12 PM (S5exM)
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Better loosen the straps on your tin foil hat, Jenn. You keep that thing too tight and you'll restrict bloodflow to your brain.
Oops. Too late.
Posted by: Jim at August 13, 2004 07:37 PM (q6E0D)
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July 20, 2004
He got the fever!
Wow! Is there anything that people won't do to impress
The Cheesmistres of Chaos? If there is, I certainly can't think of it:
Police Arrest Cheese-Covered Naked Man
Police found Monn's Jeep parked near the pool and then noticed his clothes and a bottle of vodka in the vehicle.
Then, they saw the naked man running toward the Jeep. Officials say he had cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders.
(Hat tip to Phillip Coons)
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ha! bathed himself in cheese.
Posted by: pylorns at July 20, 2004 10:02 AM (FTYER)
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I hear cheese is an effective lubricant, but only in the processed-tube form. He must have got it wrong and went for the fondue stuff.
Posted by: Helen at July 20, 2004 01:28 PM (pS7+B)
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Just processed tube cheese? What about spray cheese? That has certain distinct advantages for lubricant application.
Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 01:34 PM (IOwam)
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Anything that can be done with spray cheese, I know about it.
From... er, from reading about it. In disreputable magazines. And rumors.
Yeah. That's it.
Posted by: LeeAnn at July 20, 2004 04:32 PM (HxCeX)
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July 15, 2004
But that's confidential!
Well, maybe not quite as confidential as you believe. Clancy reports on a
state mandated violation of doctor/patient confidentiality. The public perception of doctor/patient confidence comes from TV shows and movies. It is very wrong and is worlds away from actual legal standings.
Doctor/patient confidence is a professional courtesy, not a legal requirement or legally defined right. Its legal standing is based on precedence and not legislation. Unfortunately for those who want to use it to avoid testimony there is just as much precedence going the other way.
The news item that Clancy posted about involves a law requiring that Pennsylvania doctors notify the Department of Transportation when they believe a patient has a substance abuse problem. The DOT may then revoke the patient's license based on the medical testimony. A more common example would be the laws requiring medical and scholastic personnel to report suspected child abuse.
What you end up with is a strong professional courtesy supported by tradition and some legal precedence that is being legislated away as more and more professionals are being legally forced to violate it. Be careful what you tell your doctor and do it with the understanding that even though he might not want to repeat it, if push comes to shove he'll have no choice but to do so.
Question for the lawyers in the house: How strong is the client/attorney privilege?
Any priests around? I'm also interested in the legal standing of the "seal of the confessional".
Posted by: Jim at
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The attorney/client privilege remains quite strong, although that would vary from state to state. It is, however, limited and doesn't cover every single thing you tell your lawyer. I have just litigated this issue, and won, in a conflict situation where the law firm was representing joint clients. Let me quote from a case I have at hand:
"In New York, the attorney-client privilege is governed by CPLR § 4503, but it is also rooted in common law. CPLR § 4503:
protects from disclosure confidential communications made between the attorney ... and the client in the course of professional employment ... The party invoking the privilege must establish that the document in question reflects a communication between the attorney or his agents and the client or its agents [...], that the communication was made and retained in confidence, and that it was made principally to assist in obtaining or providing legal advice or services for the client. Since the privilege is intended to facilitate the rendition of legal representation, it does not cover communications with the attorney if intended to assist counsel in performing other services, such as the provision of business advice or the performance of such functions as negotiating purely commercial aspects of a business relationship. " Stenovich v. Wachtell, 195 Misc.2d 99, 756 N.Y.S.2d 367 (NY County 2003).
Mind you, the privilege can be waived and the privilege, which is a bar to discovery, is construed pretty closely so as to balance the discovery interests and the interests in keeping the information confidential.
Jim, if you are interested in seeing the whole case, let me know and I'll shoot you a copy. It will give you a sense of the state of the law in NY.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 15, 2004 08:57 AM (LlPKh)
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You're right about the doctors. The hospital I do most of my work for reports blood alcohol levels to the DMV in the event someone comes in status post motor vehicle accident and there appears to have been alcohol involved. They also report you to the DMV if you come in with a seizure. No more driving for you . . . .
(And yeah, Jim, like there's going to be any priests hanging around your site with the way you talk about 'em . . . ha!)
Posted by: ilyka at July 15, 2004 09:26 PM (sDw4/)
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What? What am I saying about priests? I love priests! I only tease the ones that happen to be pederasts as well.
It shouldn't be just reserved for the Catholics though, right? I mean, I'm an ordained minister so do I get any special considerations?
Posted by: Jim at July 16, 2004 05:46 AM (bmLWy)
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Postive drug tests (and I think syphilis too) are reported on woman having babies, at least here they are.
Posted by: Sherri at July 16, 2004 11:26 PM (Gn2SB)
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As are Aids results. In New York state if a pregnant woman refuses the Aids test they will test the baby whether she agrees or not.
Posted by: Jim at July 17, 2004 09:26 AM (bmLWy)
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July 11, 2004
The Religion of Peace Eradication
Arab Muslims in Sudan have displaced over a million blacks,
killed tens of thousands of them and destroyed hundreds of their communities. You know, because their peaceful religion demands it and all.
"They say they don't want to see black skin on this land again," said Issa Bushara, whose brother and cousin were gunned down in front of their horrified families during an attack by the Janjaweed militia.
The Arab Muslim militants are being assisted in their 17 month slaughter by the Arab Muslim government forces. Fortunately the UN has decided to take an active role in stopping the wholescale murderous regime almost issue an official condemnation. They decided not to at the last minute for the past year and a half because Sudan deserves another chance is an Arab Muslim country is only slaughtering blacks might be able to turn it around by themselves in another year and a half just as soon as all the blacks are dead or driven off.
At the Kounoungo refugee camp, 50 miles from the Sudan border, Zenaba Ismail sits on a dirt floor. In her arms, she cradles her sister's sleeping infant.
Janjaweed fighters burst into their home early one morning and shot the child's pregnant mother in the stomach. The shooting induced labor, and she died while giving birth.
"He cries all the time, but I have no milk to give him," said the tall woman with traditional scars etched on her hallowed cheeks. "Every time I look at this child, I see my sister, and I can't stop the tears."
Refugee camps in outlying areas and neighboring countries are now seeing massive deaths from starvation, malnutrition and epidemic. These are outnumbering the actual murders.
more...
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Well Jim,
see the problem is Israel is building a security fence. Now it all makes sense doesn't it? I mean the security fence will lead to the death of no one really, and it has helped prevent the death of Israeli citizens (and tourist)but still...they must condemn, so they haven't had the time to deal with the thousands of deaths in Sudan.
Really simple when you think about it.
Posted by: Rachel Ann at July 11, 2004 11:25 AM (XcgK/)
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Yeah, it's those darned Israelis. They suck up all of the UN resolutions so there aren't any left for anybody else! I wouldn't be surprised if this was all a neocon conspiracy. Use Israel to distract the world with their inhumane fence building so we can disrupt the Sudan and prepare to steal their OOOOIIIILLLLLL.
Posted by: Jim at July 11, 2004 02:07 PM (bmLWy)
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July 10, 2004
Phew! We got rid of another batch of 'em.
Update: Rachel Ann asked if there wasn't some sort of award that we could give these folk. Since they are unfortunately still alive they are disqualified from the Darwins. Enter the
Flaming Asshole, designed for just such a circumstance. Good call Rachel!
U.S. Humanitarian Group Arrives in Cuba
120 supporters of Pastors for Peace violated the US embargo on Cuba. They arrived in good spirits with their contraband goods and t-shirts calling for regime change in the USA.
Try that again - they went to Cuba and are calling for regime change in America.
Thank God they've moved to Cuba so we won't have to deal with them any longer. What? They aren't staying in the workers' utopia? They prefer the horrific boot of the oppressive Bush regime against the back of their collective neck to living in Cuba? Damn.
more...
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Okay,
They are still alive so don't quite qualify for the Darwin awards, but isn't there a lesser sort of award we could give them?
Posted by: Rachel Ann at July 11, 2004 12:03 AM (XcgK/)
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Good idea, Rachel Ann! I've awarded them the uncoveted
Flaming Asshole award.
Posted by: Jim at July 11, 2004 02:22 PM (bmLWy)
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Although they broke the travel embargo by going to Cuba themselves that particular law is so seldom enforced as to be laughable.
True. My cousin went last spring. My poor aunt couldn't figure out why I got mad when she sent me pictures from his trip there.
He'd be posing in front of buildings and the streets were devoid of the one thing you'd be certain to see in any other country: natives. No Cubans anywhere.
But I'm supposed to go "Yay, rah rah, Jimmy got past George 'Selected, Not Elected' Bush and went to Cuba!" Heh. I don't think so.
Definitely worthy of the Flaming Assholes award, these creeps. Definitely.
Posted by: ilyka at July 12, 2004 06:27 AM (j7mEU)
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July 09, 2004
Yet another frivolous lawsuit from a California nut
This post is:
Why? Oh, why?
Why is it illegal to shoot these people?
McDonald's hit with lawsuit over fat in french fries
You see back in September 2002 McDonalds announced that it was planning to switch to a healthier fry oil by Feb '03. In Feb '03 they announced that the new oil wasn't happening yet because it made the fries taste like Burger King's as there were concerns over how it made the food taste.
Now a fucknut in California is suing because McDonalds didn't follow their original plan. A corporation in America made a plan, discovered it wasn't workable and changed it. This bitch thinks that entitles her to compensation? What the fucking fuck?
Listen up you fry sucking loser, McDonalds corporation is not personally beholden to you in any way whatsoever. Are you suing Ford because their concept car from 2002 isn't a production model today? Why not? They certainly planned on implementing it but they haven't. That should mean that your rights have somehow been trampled, right?
If you are so concerned about the fat content of McDonalds french fries that you take it as a violation of your personal rights of citizenship then what you need to do is put down the McBurger and McFries, push your fat ass away from the table and walk down to Salads-R-Us. Better yet, buy yourself a fucking pot and cook a meal for your damned self for a change.
And whatever lawyer or group of lawyers is representing this bullshit should die. Literally die you sons of bitches - you are less than worthless, you are an active drain. Your removal would make this country a better place.
(Hat tip to Phillip Coons)
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"Literally die you sons of bitches - you are less than worthless, you are an active drain."
-Looks like someone needs a time-out in the happy corner, with a constant movie re-run of "Pollyanna Meets the Care Bears".
Be honest, my dearie Jim-you're just angry you didn't think to sue Coke for inventing New Coke
(just teasing...in case you got angry...back away slowly from the keyboard...)
Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 09:05 AM (6ESZh)
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Heck, I could still sue over THAT! Post traumatic stress disorder right here. Plus, I get a tiny tic next to my eye whenever I drive past the Coke factory here. I could probably sue to make them at least move the factory.
Posted by: Jim at July 09, 2004 09:18 AM (IOwam)
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It can't be good for you to hold your feelings back like this.
Posted by: Jennifer at July 09, 2004 09:42 AM (9idqe)
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Really, Jim, Jennifer is right. Don't hold back. It's not good for you to keep it all in. You're going to give yourself a ulcer. You have to learn to express your feelings. Emote, young man, emote!
Posted by: Jiminy at July 09, 2004 10:00 AM (8JYcU)
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Jim, I mean this in the nicest possible way, ok? I just feel like I have to tell you: there are a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that taste just as good as the real thing. (Bonus points if you recognize the movie I stole that line from).
As for the fries, I must ask: is your anger motivated by a distaste for the tort system in general or are you, like me, on a low-carb diet and missing ALL OF THOSE WONDERFUL FRENCH FRIES? And, damn it, whoever told McDonald's to stop frying those things in beef fat? The fries have not been the same since.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 09, 2004 10:35 AM (LlPKh)
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Dude, that movie was the fabulous and brilliant one with Val Kilmer, in which they popped the enormous Jiffy Pop. Can't remember the film, but I have used that line about one million times in my life.
Creepy that you use it, too.
Posted by: Helen at July 09, 2004 11:22 AM (rhmrH)
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And the prize goes to Helen for her recollection of the underappreciated film: Real Genius.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 09, 2004 11:50 AM (LlPKh)
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I'm feeling much better, y'all. Prozac, it's what's for dinner. ;-)
Dang, I was just about to hit "post" with the Real Genius answer too. My favorite bit from that movie:
Val: So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Hot chick: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Val: Not at the moment.
Hot chick: A girl's gotta have her standards.
Posted by: Jim at July 09, 2004 11:58 AM (IOwam)
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Let's give medical science a quick round of applause!
I love that line from Real Genius. I also like the following question:
"Do you ever have that dream where you're standing on a pyramid, in sun god robes, surrounded by thousands of naked, screaming women, throwing little pickles at you? Why am I the only one who has that dream?"
and
"I am sitting here contemplating the last words of Socrates: 'I drank what?'"
I knew you and Helen were people with taste.
Posted by: Random Penseur at July 09, 2004 12:21 PM (LlPKh)
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Almost forgot - yeah, I have a dislike of tort law. I know the vast majority of it is not like these bullfull high profile jokes but they sure are tainted by them.
And I luuuuuuurve McD's fries. Fortunately for me I can eat 'em as I'm not dieting or planning on suing anybody. ;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 09, 2004 12:39 PM (IOwam)
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I love love love McDonald's fries. I think they're coated in some secret recipe foody crack substance.
Bugger those who file frivilous lawsuits, particularly against things that make me happy. Bugger them with a bushel of stale fries!
Man, I like that word.... bugger bugger bugger.
Posted by: LeeAnn at July 09, 2004 06:25 PM (HxCeX)
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You want fries with that bugger, ma'm?
Posted by: Claire at July 12, 2004 07:04 PM (l1oyw)
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July 02, 2004
Hey, did you hear about the 12.6 million people who marched on Washington yesterday?
Neither did I and this is a good thing because 12.6 million people didn't march on Washington yesterday and if you heard about it that would mean that the press was doing a worse job than usual at making stuff up. They did march in Hong Kong though and you probably didn't hear about that either.
Not 12.6 million of course - they don't have that many people there. But the number of Hong Kong residents that rallied are proportional to 12.6 million Americans, if our populations were equivalent. Simon has the scoop and an excellent commentary about it.
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July 01, 2004
Aging boy toy seeks youthful injection
Barbie dumped Ken and is now diddling
Blaine, an Aussie surfer. Now look at
this picture and tell me this doesn't look like a gal just a bit past her dance club days snagging some sweet teen meat.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
(Found at Jen's place)
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Blaine is totally going to dump her once she starts talking abotu commitment. Then, at least, she can go back to her gay ex Ken and have a baby via the turkey baster method.
Oh yeah. I've thought this all out.
Posted by: Helen at July 02, 2004 05:32 AM (/EEVQ)
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Yeah, Botox Barbie can't be very far in the future.
Posted by: Jim at July 02, 2004 05:55 AM (bmLWy)
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