Ryan has a problem with his buddy Marc. Rather, Marc has a problem and Ryan is concerned. You see, Marc is in an unhealthy relationship with a psychobitch and can't end it. This story is especially poignant to me because I used to be Marc. I was the nice guy with a codependency issue with a slut. My slut wasn't the bitch that Kelli is. There was never any physical abuse. There wasn't really any verbal abuse either. Just a manipulation that I was totally unfamiliar with and completely unable to recognize. I willingly jumped through hoops for her and played idiot doormat.

My term of exile was much shorter than Marc's - only about a year for me. After our breakup I did the same thing Marc is doing. Trying to hold on to the tattered remnants of the relationship because I still couldn't let go. She'd cheated on me, stolen from me, lied to me constantly. All of that was excusable to me so long as I could maintain my fantasy of a relationship.

I helped her pay her rent. I loaned her my car when hers broke down. I let her borrow my TV. I let her come to my apartment to use my computer when I was at work (hers sucked and she no longer had internet access). I adopted a puppy "with her". Whatever it took to keep her in my life.

It was a sick, sick time in my life. I knew what my family and friends thought of my continued contact with her and didn't really care about that either. It took time and the constant support of the people close to me to finally shake her off.

So here's my advice to Ryan. Make it clear that you don't like Kelli because of how she treats him. Make it very clear that you do not want to be lied to. If he is going to break a date with you to see her he should either tell the truth or say no comment. This is actually more important that you might think. He knows he is in an unhealthy relationship. He knows he is being foolish. Reminding him of that will not help at all. Even after the breakup I was still avoiding friends and family because it was a constant barrage of "why are you still talking to her", "why are you still seeing her", "when are you going to cut her off". When I could see the people who were important in my life without the misery of defending my undefendable position I started seeing more and more of them. That was the turning point. As I came out of my shell I started feeling better about me. I got back into my life and enjoyed myself away from her. I was then able to compare my life without her favorably to my life with her and that's when I cut the strings.

So tell Marc that you're his friend no matter what. Don't hound him about Kelli. If he brings her up (and he will eventually) you should either politely agree and offer support if he's in anti-Kelli mode or politely remind him that you are respecting his position by not ragging on her so he should respect yours by not forcing you to sit through a Kelli excuse session. He'll come around in time, just be patient.

Posted by: Jim at 08:04 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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