...going to be revealed in 2 hours. That's how long the auction for Tidings of Comfort and Joy has left.

This has been an absolutely spectacular auction, magnitudes over what I expected. I need to think up something special and Christmasy to use the proceeds on as I hadn't thought of anything bigger than candy canes and spekulaas.

Any ideas? We've got one Lovely Wife, 3 rugrats from 1 year old to 4 years old and one cow sucker (that's me) to be invovled in the festivity.

UPDATE: The winner is Robert from XSet, who got in a last bid virtually under the wire to sneak past Sue. All's fair in love and auctions, they say.

Posted by: Jim at 08:01 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The auction is going well, thanks to a kick start from Clancy and Johnny Huh? putting it up on MetaFilter (which isn't taking new people at the moment, thank you very much, not that I feel slighted in the least, the dirt bags). At least one commenter has some serious need for Tidings.

Looking at the bidders I see some I recognize and a bunch I don't. We've got Clancy, Rob and Sue among the 9 bidders currently competing for my affections. Nah, that's not right. Y'all already have my affections. But they are competing for some genuine cheerful wishes and feature placement in a custom crafted story. Who couldn't use cheerful wishes?

By the way, if you are a member of the clueless masses or know somebody who is you can solve your problems right here.

Posted by: Jim at 11:45 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I did it for my amusement and its humor factor but I was expecting at least a tiny bit of activity. I offer Tidings of Comfort and Joy at absolute rockbottom prices and nobody's interested? What's up with that?

There's real value in this auction, you know. The custom story by a fantastic and humble author has to be worth a quarter all by itself.

Now go and bid on my auction or I will pout like a little bitch.

Posted by: Jim at 08:48 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Let us compare two popular female musical artists. One is a serious songstress who uses intensely personal lyrics and an entrancing voice with absolutely amazing vocal range to express herself through her music. The other does a peep show while mouthing pop ketch that somebody else wrote. Which of these artists would be classified as "sexy"?

Answers in the extended section. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:09 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Now, either britney has grown about three feet or that cover is more than a little retouched. Now, let me get this straight: She plays no instruments, lipsynchs(obviously, i mean, could you at least try?) in public, and has to photoshop her album cover. And she needs backup singers? I mean is there really a contest here? Oh Sarah, why oh why are you married. Good call Jim. Tommy

Posted by: Tommy at December 03, 2003 11:25 AM (hnRRG)

2 Before hitting the extended, I was guessing this was a Sarah-Twitney thing. :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at December 03, 2003 11:27 AM (shhDk)

3 Personnally, I don't listen to either one. I find that type of music (whiny, soulful sorrow or poppy, bubble-headed bullshit) an afront to all that is good and right in the world. Four letters: AC/DC. Remember - rock and roll ain't noise polution. Now on the one hand Sarah can sing, but she doesn't make me feel, as Allah would say, "funny in the pants". Britney, on the other hand, can't sing without a computer completely regenerating her voice, but as far as I'm concerned the only thing her mouth should be used for it to..... well, you get the idea. All that being said, lets boil this down to what it's actually about: which one would I do? And the answer, of course, is.......... BOTH! Any male who answers otherwise will immediately have his testosterone card revoked and his genitalia removed so he can be beaten with it. BTW, I've pushed back my predicted Britney Playboy spread to spring of 2007. Christina Aguilara, however, has moved up to around summer of next year in either Penthouse or Hustler. Playboy is WAAAAAY too classy for that slut.

Posted by: Mike the Marine at December 03, 2003 03:12 PM (IOX+E)

4 "Me Against the Music"--hey, you can't say it's not an apt title. She certainly isn't doing anything with or for the music.

Posted by: ilyka at December 03, 2003 03:46 PM (EyevR)

5 Yes! Thank you for saying it, Jim. I adore Sarah Mac!

Posted by: DeAnna at December 03, 2003 10:52 PM (n3+mt)

6 Score one for you on the cool Sarah reference. But the key here is-which one would you just like to have SEX with, and which one is cool enough to take home to mom? Distinction, big time. Don't tell me that if Britney weren't throwing herself at you, you'd say no. Just think of the points you would get just to be able to say you did her?

Posted by: Helen at December 04, 2003 04:34 AM (QV3iL)

7 Hey now! I never said that a guy wouldn't want to nail a slutty chick. I've had quite a bit of fun in my life with gals of that nature. Thing is, slutty chicks get less attractive the longer you're with them. Sexy ones tend to maintain or even increase their sexiness with greater familiarity. Between these two I'd have to pick Sarah for both activities. Britney is elligible for bumping uglies as long as that doesn't preclude a Sarah romp. This isn't a fair comparison though - I've had a hankerin' for Ms McLachlan since the 80's.

Posted by: Jim at December 04, 2003 04:45 AM (fkewd)

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And it's cheap too! Get yours here.

Spread the word!

Posted by: Jim at 10:07 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I despise cranberry sauce, most likely because of early childhood trauma caused by the cran gel. This year we had some homemade cranberry sauce made by Bear's pre-K class. Of course I had to try some as stuff like that is a requirement for maintaining my "A" average as a Dad.

Can you imagine my trepidation? A confirmed cranophobe having to taste cran sauce that was made by a class of 4 year olds? Oh, dear.

But it wasn't bad. In fact it was quite good. Really good. What a difference between homemade with real fruit and that gelatinous mass I have been exposed to for my first 34 years. I actually ate it and enjoyed it.

I have a strong suspicion that if we were still in Buffalo, Bear's class would not have made their own cranberry sauce. 2 more points for Georgia.

Posted by: Jim at 10:23 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Everybody, this is Lovely Wife. Lovely Wife, this is everybody.

I finally exposed myself to her over the weekend. No, not that way - I do that on a hourly regular basis. I mean I finally gave up on trying to get the blog exactly the way I wanted it before inviting her in. Being anal retentive as I am I realized that I could be facing retirement before I actually get it "just right". And besides, if I can't show some warts to my wife who can I show them to? And more importantly, would that person pay me anything for a wart showing?

Anyway, she loves the blog and my near godliness has been reinforced in her eyes. Hopefully she'll be a regular reader and commenter. Who knows? Maybe I'll even get her to start her own weblog eventually.

Everyboy say "hi" now and welcome my sweet baby to the wide world of weblogging.

Posted by: Jim at 04:25 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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1 Hello, Lovely Wife! Please excuse my language here as sometimes I get carried away. I will try real hard to be a nice boy from now on... over here anyway!

Posted by: The Bartender at November 24, 2003 05:11 AM (9bPNF)

2 Hello and welcome! It's nice to meet you, we've heard so much about you! Does this mean we have to stop with the Jim-and-Cow-of-his-dreams jokes? Cause we weren't talking about you, I swear. We are really discussing bovines. Mostly because we try to find humor under a rock. Sorry. And I am the one who comments here who lives in Sweden, is mother to Luuk, and is usually causing some kind of HTML chaos. Your dear husband always fixes it. You should keep him, he must be handy around a web site!

Posted by: Helen at November 24, 2003 05:28 AM (k78uM)

3 Welcome LW. Now can you please do something about that cow photo.

Posted by: Simon at November 24, 2003 05:34 AM (UKqGy)

4 Hello evrybody, so the cat is out of the bag (hat?) and I am exposed,yes,I am a cow (ops!).You may keep ripping the jokes.The picture....I've tried,believe me I did but once a man is in love,there is nothing you can do about it,I just can't get him to remove my picture (have you ever seen our kids??). If I may add about Luuk:I wonder if any of you would be willing to "mail" arround my children,too.That way I would be able to have some time for myself and start the suggested "own weblog"?:-) Enough sarcasm (I am famous for it,just asked G,he hates me for it). And Dear Hubby...how about you replace that cow photo with the one where you flash your naked behind in front of your MOTHERS camera?:-))))) Simon,thats all I can do for you. Ya'all have a wonderfull day!

Posted by: LW at November 24, 2003 08:43 AM (fkewd)

5 Not fair! That butt picture was from when I was like 5 years old! Or was it last year? So hard to keep these things straight.

Posted by: Jim at November 24, 2003 08:56 AM (IOwam)

6 Yet another innocent soul sacrificed to the Glog Bods! We're very glad to have you, LW And for the record, I kinda like the cow pic. Except those cow veins... kinda creepy.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 24, 2003 09:15 AM (HxCeX)

7 Jim,I've got a "fresh" one (from last night or so??).:-) LeeAnn..those vains...three kids and a hubby will do that to ya.So just you k now for future references.O:-/

Posted by: LW at November 24, 2003 10:39 AM (fkewd)

8 Greeting Lovely Wife. I've always thought that Jim Jim's blog needed a woman's touch. Or a woman's bitch slap...you know, whatever works.

Posted by: Don at November 24, 2003 12:24 PM (e6au8)

9 I am not sure how far I would be able to do the bitch slapping or else.People tempt (or elect) to forget that I have to live with this person for the next ??? years.:-)

Posted by: LW at November 24, 2003 01:18 PM (fkewd)

10 Hi LW, nice to see (read?) you! Wow,??? years is a long time. I wish you all the luck in the world, as my recent divorce sadly came after only ??. I had so hoped it could last...

Posted by: rick at November 24, 2003 04:30 PM (oA/Vb)

11 I am sorry to hear that.:-( If it helps...I had to work myself through a few "miss marriages" (not that we actually were married but anyways..) before this one came along.The trick lies in the domination fo your "better" half. O:=)))

Posted by: LW at November 24, 2003 10:48 PM (fkewd)

12 LW, on reflection, if it's that cow photo or Jim's backside, let's just leave the cow. Please.

Posted by: Simon at November 25, 2003 03:34 AM (UKqGy)

13 Hmmm...domination...LW, you give some good advice! Now all I need is a well-behaved submissive.

Posted by: rick at November 25, 2003 09:48 AM (oA/Vb)

14 They are all over the place.ICQ,MSN Messenger...etc..:-))))

Posted by: LW at November 25, 2003 01:33 PM (fkewd)

15 Greetings LW! My BSU (Beloved Spousal Unit) is aware of my blog but figures bloggers are like those "cat people, the folks with 37 cats in their trailer." So I don't get any respect about mine. And Jim, we must be related, 'cause there's a bunch of pictures of my brothers that are full moons! Not me mind you, my brothers...

Posted by: Nate at November 25, 2003 07:59 PM (H27u0)

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I usually have a lot going on but only part of my brain engaged on whatever I'm doing. My stream of conciousness has a lot of creeks branching off. Now Dopple-G is another story. Instead of a stream of conciousness he has a white water rapids. But I digress.

To make sure that I don't forget any of these thought streams before I've had a chance to explore them I leave myself notes. I have a post-it note dispenser on my desk at home. At work I have a steno pad. There's a dry erase board on my refrigerator. I've got an Ideas.txt file on my desktop. I leave notes all over, like rabbit droppings. Hey, good analogy there - we'll call them "thought nuggets".

The dry erase board gave me a pause this morning. I haven't cleaned the ideas off of it in a while so it has accumulated a little pile of nuggets. I had also used it to put down some recipe parts while I was cooking. The end result is peculiar to say the least:

Solar powered kids
325 degrees
10 to 12 minutes
If they aren't screaming, you're not doing it right.

Sounds like a recipe out of The Hansel & Grettle Cookbook. I better get that cleared off before Mom flies down. Sheesh.

Posted by: Jim at 09:09 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Don't you think that somewhere in the design and manufacturing process, someone who had a finger on this from the original conceptual artist to the engineers to the mold crafters to the manufacturer to the last guy who tightened a screw, somebody would have caught enough of a clue to step back and say "What the FUCK!?" more...

Posted by: Jim at 09:33 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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The news is in and it's not of the happy variety. Our Everyday Stranger has been cut in a round of layoffs by Company X. Go visit Helen and leave some love.

Makes me glad that I don't have a phone from a certain large Swedish telecomunications company.

Posted by: Jim at 07:24 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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I'm going to offend some people with this post. I'll probably get some hate mail and some harsh comments and may even lose some regular readers. That sucks but it's also the way of the world. If you have an opinion there are going to be people who disagree with it. If you can state it in an obsequious manner you'll probably do okay. People will line up to defend a timid speaker. Be nice, they'll say. He's wrong but it's because he's confused. Explain it to him in simple terms and you'll see that he's not truly evil. If, however, you happen to be the sort of person who states his opinion in a raw and coldhearted fashion then you'll piss off many folks. Even some who might ordinarily support your position. Can you guess which one I am? Let's begin:

Midgets Need To Get Their Heads Out of Their Asses

I saw a special presentation about an operation that little people(TM) can undergo in order to get taller. It involves implanting an external metal brace into the long bones of the legs. The bones are broken and separated. The bracing is then continuously lengthened. The healing process of the broken bones causes them to grow towards each other. As the gap of the break is consistently maintained the effect is a gradual lengthening of the legs.

It's painful. It takes a long time. It's good for only a couple of inches. There are many post-procedure problems including weakened bones, arthritis, bone and muscle pain. Sense of balance is seriously compromised and the patient is clumsy and awkward for quite some time.

One of the patients who was interviewed told of all of these problems but dismissed them as negligible. You see, he can now do things like drive an unmodified car. He can ride on a roller coaster. He uses the cupboards at his apartment. In fact his only regret about having the procedure is that he is now an outcast from his community. You see, those jokes on Seinfeld about little people(tm) "heightening" weren't jokes. It really is viewed as a serious breach of etiquette to wear tall shoes or otherwise compensate for (lack of) height. Having this operation makes a little person an outcast from the little person community.

This leads to an obvious question which I will direct to the little community at large:

How do you get such an oversized head so firmly implanted in your anal sphincter? Come the fuck on! It's a birth defect. It is not normal to be a midget/dwarf/little fellow. It is neither amoral or foolish for somebody with a birth defect to use devices and procedures to overcome that defect. Should somebody born with one arm forgo a prosthetic one? If I had a procedure that cured Downs Syndrome do you think that all of the Downs' afflicted out there would rally to attack a person who went through that procedure because they wanted to be normal?

YOU ARE NOT NORMAL. Get it through your skulls. I'm not saying that you should be ashamed of being small. I'm saying that you shouldn't be carrying around a chip on your vertically challenged shoulder because of it. It's a birth defect, a freak happening of nature, one of the more common of literally thousands of documented and understood genetic mishaps. It should not be either a badge of honor or a Sysephean burden.

If you have a chance to correct it then do so! And if you are so wrapped up in a communal pity party that you can't bear the thought of fixing what's wrong with you then at least have the fucking courtesy to support somebody with the courage to do so himself. The way that guy was treated, the exposure of the intollerance and antagonism in the little community, was sickening. He showed bravery and courage, going through a painful procedure in order to make his life better, already knowing that his friends would turn on him. He didn't deserve the way he was treated and to be quite frank those "friends" certainly didn't deserve him.

Fire away.

UPDATE: I wrote this quite a while ago and never posted it. Generally I try not to post things when I'm pissed about the subject. A decent rant is fine but when I'm very irritated I tend to get more insulting than descriptive so a "Jim is pissed" post generally won't do anything constructive. I figured that I would let it sit and revisit it, edit it in a calm voice and then post it. It ended up getting lost and forgotten until yesterday. I looked it over with the intent of editing out the more inflammatory insults and profanity but have decided to present it as-is instead. It's not as overwhelmingly antagonistic as I thought when I first wrote it and the anger the subject raised in me back then has been fairly well rekindled by rereading it.

Posted by: Jim at 10:09 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Nothing much coming from here today. I'm busier than a Bangkok whore with the 6th fleet in port. I'll give you a teaser though. Another short story is percolating through my gray matter. What will it be? Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy? Maybe some more porn? Find out tomorrow, or whenever it's finished brewing. The biggest problem with it right now is there are 3 endings and I can't pick which one I like best. Maybe I'll give you all three.

Oh, wait. I do have something quick to share. Captain Corelli's Mandolin was a decent movie destroyed by two things. The first was Nicolas Cage. Sorry, but he can never ever play a romantic lead. No matter what the character is supposed to portray you will never escape the image of Cage in Raising Arizona. And what was with that accent? He either got it from an intense one week session with a voice coach in the Bronx or from watching too many Olive Garden commercials. The second problem was the normally spectacular John Hurt who was almost but not quite completely unlike Roddy McDowell a Greek provincial doctor.

Posted by: Jim at 07:50 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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DO NOT FART!

There is absolutely no guarantee that it is gas that you will pass. Immodium is your friend. No, more than that, it is your lifeline.

Given my abhorrence of the crappers here at work and my current state of being on antibiotics I am trapped in my own peculiar little hell. Any time I have the bowel urge I must assume that bad things are happening, no matter how much it feels like plain old gas. This means that any time I wish to feel gastric comfort I have to truck into the ol' shitter, whip out a paper ass gasget and alight upon the ceramic throne.

This is all because of the Paris Hilton gag, isn't it God?

Posted by: Jim at 10:56 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Helen has a beautiful post this morning about a simple little thing that made a huge difference in her life.

I've got a similar story. After the worst breakup of my life I was in very sorry shape. I won't get into the gory details but it was so bad that Captain Responsibility (that's me) lost his license for driving drunk during this period. I started replacing food with alcohol and things were deteriorating rapidly. Get up in the morning, have a beer, go to work, come home, drink until sleep comes. Basically just plodding on though a semblance of my former life through inertia and not having any clue what else to do.

One day after work I flipped on the radio, grabbed a beer and sat down to start drinking. The song that was playing was "No woman no cry" by Bob Marley, a song I'd heard many, many times before but never really listened to. This time I heard it and listened to the lyrics, the drum, Bob's voice. I got it. Bob was telling me "Everything's gonna be alright". I dug through my CD's, got out Legend and played that song in a loop the rest of the night.

And I stopped drinking like an ass. I finished that open beer of course, I'm an alconomist after all. But I ordered a pizza for dinner instead of finishing off the case. I still remember that pizza, it was the fucking best tasting pizza I'd ever had in my life. First actual food I'd eaten in I don't know how long.

And I called my Mom. I basically hadn't spoken with anybody in weeks. They'd called but I'm an expert in avoidance. I also have a black belt in not-being-part-of-the-conversation-when-you-think-we-are-conversing-itsu. I hadn't spoken with Mom in even longer. I love her like you wouldn't believe but she's a nut and can be very trying to speak with. I'd been avoiding her for a while.

I called a bunch of other people too. My best friend E, who had been trying to get me out of the house for weeks. Made dinner arangements for later in the week with him. I called Doppel-G (he was down in Georgia by this time). I think he knew something wierd was going on but he didn't press, just talked about everyday stuff for a while. I think I even tried to call Lil Bro but I can't remember for sure.

After that night I put my life back together. Very quickly I might add so I guess I had caught it in time before I hit the big cusp. Basically all I had to do was get back into civilization, turn on the afterburners at work for a while to catch up and (most importantly) stop getting drunk every night.

Now whenever I hear that song and it gets to the "Everything's gonna be alright" part I get a tickle in the back of my throat, my eyes water and I have to fight hard not to cry. And sometimes, when I need it, I play that song and I don't fight the tears.

Posted by: Jim at 06:33 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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1 See, you and Helen write this sort of thing beautifully, but it's like the one* kind of post I simply cannot do because I'm a repressed, bitter, cynical person. What a good thing the world's not full of Ilyka-clones. You guys rule. * one, thirty, what's the difference?

Posted by: ilyka at November 14, 2003 07:03 AM (9UvaM)

2 I could think of worse things than a world full of Ilyka clones. Just give me a minute. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at November 14, 2003 07:31 AM (fkewd)

3 One of the songs that does that for me is "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder. I did very much the same thing about a year and a half ago. My boyfriend of two years retired from the Air Force and left. Just LEFT. I was devastated. I was in such a hole, I was taking antidepressants with beer chasers. I listened to a LOT of different songs during that time -- the biggest hole this ray of sunshine had ever been in -- and this song rotated through the stereo (100 CD changer. heh.) "And though the odds say improbable What do they know For in romance All true love needs is a chance And maybe with a chance you will find You too like I Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you" And whatta ya know? He came to his senses and I'm about to celebrate our first anniversary on the 29th of this month. Those lyrics still makes me all misty n' shit. Heh.

Posted by: margi at November 14, 2003 08:14 AM (4jrV0)

4 Just give me a minute. Excluding the obvious candidates (a world full of Hitler clones, etc.), I think even at my lowest points I could grant that a world full of George Michael clones would almost certainly be worse. So Margi likes "Overjoyed" . . . that is a good one. I'm partial to "Ribbon in the Sky," myself. I hear it's popular at weddings, which is normally synonymous to me with "dreadful," but I don't know, it's just sort of simple and beautiful, and not corny like "I Just Called to Say I Love You."

Posted by: ilyka at November 14, 2003 08:37 AM (9UvaM)

5 Funnily enough, Ilyka, I threw a shoe (or glass, or clothing, something) in the general direction of the stereo when it came on. I was not in the mood for birds chirping and "la la love" songs at that moment. (Go figure.) It was the lyrics of the song that got me the most. (P.S. I was listening to Joydrop's "Spiders" with more frequency at that time. Heh. I have very -- um -- eclectic musical tastes. If you want any of those songs I've mentioned, just let me know. I share.)

Posted by: margi at November 14, 2003 08:43 AM (4jrV0)

6 Actually it only took me a fraction of a second, Ilyka. Right when I typed the period to that sentence the name "Michael Moore" screamed into my forebrain.

Posted by: Jim at November 14, 2003 08:50 AM (IOwam)

7 Thanks for the props, guys. I am touched, and actually honored that I got comments from all 3 of you. Truthfull, anyone can write like me, all you need is: 1) repression 2) strange fuckwittage happening in your life 3) the ability to attract every loser within a 3 mile radius-and then date them 4) move to a foreign country And presto! You get beautiful writing. You know, I knew Ilyka and I had a lot in common when she mentioned she duct-taped her man's brake lights. Me? I change the summer tires to the winter tires on both cars. That's why I linked her Now waiting for Margi to hook me up....ooh...

Posted by: Helen at November 14, 2003 10:01 AM (ADrg6)

8 Damn, that story hits close to home. I'm right where you were, right now. I hope I find my song soon.

Posted by: rick at November 17, 2003 02:24 PM (oA/Vb)

9 Good luck, Rick. It's out there, and closer than you think. (And you can borrow mine for a while if it'll help.)

Posted by: Jim at November 18, 2003 04:07 AM (fkewd)

10 No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. Said - said - said: I remember when we used to sit In the government yard in trenchtown, Oba - obaserving the Â’ypocrites As they would mingle with the good people we meet. Good friends we have, oh, good friends weÂ’ve lost Along the way. In this great future, you canÂ’t forget your past; So dry your tears, I seh. No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. Â’ere, little darlinÂ’, donÂ’t shed no tears: No, woman, no cry. Said - said - said: I remember when-a we used to sit In the government yard in trenchtown. And then georgie would make the fire lights, As it was logwood burninÂ’ through the nights. Then we would cook cornmeal porridge, Of which IÂ’ll share with you; My feet is my only carriage, So IÂ’ve got to push on through. But while IÂ’m gone, I mean: EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! I said, everythingÂ’s gonna be all right-a! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right, now! EverythingÂ’s gonna be all right! So, woman, no cry; No - no, woman - woman, no cry. Woman, little sister, donÂ’t shed no tears; No, woman, no cry. I remember when we used to sit In the government yard in trenchtown. And then georgie would make the fire lights, As it was logwood burninÂ’ through the nights. Then we would cook cornmeal porridge, Of which IÂ’ll share with you; My feet is my only carriage, So IÂ’ve got to push on through. But while IÂ’m gone: No, woman, no cry; No, woman, no cry. Woman, little darlinÂ’, say donÂ’t shed no tears; No, woman, no cry. Eh! (little darlinÂ’, donÂ’t shed no tears! No, woman, no cry. Little sister, donÂ’t shed no tears! No, woman, no cry.)

Posted by: Achilles at December 06, 2004 04:36 AM (F931L)

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Lousy day for this blog, sorry. The thing with my entry being held out of the Carnival had me up stewing much of the night and much of today was spent following up on the multiple conversation threads dealing with it. On the plus side the censorship controversy brought quite a few visitors to see the post, almost guaranteed that it was more than would have come just from it being in the Carnival.

Much thanks to all of the people who supported me and argued on my behalf. Especially Ilyka, who was like a rabid bull terrier today. I can't express how much I appreciate your help.

Tomorrow - good stuff. I promise.

Posted by: Jim at 07:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I wasn't left out of the latest Carnival accidentally after all. I was straight out censored.

That was a personal call based on the nature of your post. I do apologize if you feel slighted, but it was just my preference not to add that one particular post.

-Max

The post I submitted was The Somnolence of Clouds. This is my erotic vignette from a few days ago. It was well received in comments and email.

Do I feel slighted at being censored? Yeah, I do. It's pretty easy to just note that the post is erotic fiction in the Carnival description. That's the actual description I submitted it with, after all.

People who want to go there do so. People who don't, don't. Same as somebody sick of the metrosexual meme wouldn't go to Andrew's post based on the description that was put with his link.

Christianity is a thought crime. That's an okay topic. The Pussified Toit thing? Also okay. Bush, France, Iraq. All okay.

The only censored item is an erotic vignette. A piece of tittilating fiction. War, death, politics, sexuality, religion are all valid but my well written story is not.

I'm more than slighted. I'm pissed.

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 PM | Comments (37) | Add Comment
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1 What a crock. [insert massive eye-rolling here]

Posted by: margi at November 13, 2003 12:06 AM (4jrV0)

2 I agree with Margy. You know what you should do now? Spend lots of time blasting their site. Ignoring them. Hating them. It's what I'd do, anyway.

Posted by: Helen at November 13, 2003 02:31 AM (tdh2z)

3 What Helen said. I, for one, am furious. And, here's the irony: I didn't read that post. Not because I find erotic fiction offensive, but because I find it unsettling to read on a computer. I don't know why. Maybe there's something to that "women need ambiance" idea after all, or maybe I'm just weird like that. So had I seen it in the Carnival, I'd have probably skipped it again--but it still should have been there, damn it. Let the people decide. I'm going to write him an angry e-mail that I will somehow edit down to "politely aggrieved" in tone, observing that the freakin' "we prefer a marriage based on discipline--literally!" people submit stuff to the Carnival every week and are NEVER censored. Talk about uneven application of standards. Oh, and you might write to Bigwig (the guy who started the whole Carnival thing, if I recall) just to see what he thinks.

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 04:15 AM (1+elX)

4 I left him a comment, but I'm still miffed. How come sometimes expressing yourself doesn't make you feel any better? That sucks.

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 04:44 AM (1+elX)

5 Sorry, I had to go comment there, too. It became an issue of "sitting, steaming, needing to vent." Ilyka kicked ass. It's clear-just don't submit to his site again. I wouldn't.

Posted by: Helen at November 13, 2003 05:18 AM (tdh2z)

6 What an arse that guy is. Did you see his comment about my post? Thanks for the link btw. I shall be linking to his Carnival with a sting in its tail.

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at November 13, 2003 05:26 AM (ni3Uj)

7 No, I don't hate Max. I'm pissed at him but I don't even know him so why waste time on hating him? I got most of it out of my system while I was up past 1:00 in the morning steaming over it. Blasting his site and ignoring him won't work well either. He basically doesn't blog. So what is the suppressed to do? As far as Carnival benefits to the story go, the censorship thing will probably make up for the traffic lost by not being included. My main reason for submitting stuff to the Carnival is to get people to read my work (and the links bay-bee!) so I'll at least wash here. Heck, it even got Ilyka to read Somnolence! I think I will indeed take it up with BigWig though. Not to get back at Max but to maybe get a clarification on whether Carnival hosts are expected/allowed to censor or if accepting hosting duties means that you will not do so. Maybe avoid a problem like this in the future. And yes, Andrew, I did notice his quip. I wasn't sure if it was mean or done in a friendly banter manner. In my mood at the time I read it I wasn't a fair judge. Right now I'm disposed to give the benefit of the doubt and assume he was trying for humor and missed. But who knows? Anyway, that quip was a factor for me going ahead and reading your post.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 07:46 AM (fkewd)

8 I think I will indeed take it up with BigWig though. If it helps, I've left him a comment alerting him to it on the post he had up announcing the 60th Carnival. As for Andrew, I think I'm going to begin stalking him immediately--had not really read him before, but I likes 'im.

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 08:26 AM (1+elX)

9 Man, that first entry (virus warnings)was just sex jokes and lame ones at that. He didn't even warn us and then censors you? Something wierd is going on here, Jim. Your story was great! I'm still all tingly....

Posted by: Susie at November 13, 2003 08:59 AM (0+cMc)

10 It is a bunch of crap. So anyway.. I'm thinking we vote off someone who isn't interested in the game in the first place...

Posted by: pylorns at November 13, 2003 09:15 AM (zn1zt)

11 Yeah, Ilyka. It's hard to find a decent non-pussified metrosexual these days. Andrew's going on my watch list too. Glad I was able to tingle you, Susie. Too bad you're not on the island. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. I'd like to, Pylorns, but he's got immunity. Grmlbrgr...damn demi-lizardoid minions.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 09:39 AM (IOwam)

12 Is this person in the LoL? I know... Let's all get together and go beat the crap out 'em! That'll teach em "You don't mess around with Jim"!

Posted by: The Bartender at November 13, 2003 09:42 AM (nLjq4)

13 I once had an erotic fiction piece in the CoTV. It was labeled as such. Someone is crushing your civil liberties, Jim!

Posted by: michele at November 13, 2003 10:37 AM (ONsnV)

14 The posting of links is at the sole discretion of the site owners and administrators. As such, censorship (an action by a government) does not apply here. Those at Dead Ends simply exercised their right to decide what goes on their site and what doesn't. This cry of censorship is part and parcel of what one usually hears from Liberals with regard to the "conservative media." Further, there is a pretty clear distinction between vulgarities like Kim DuToit's adaptation of Ms Galore's familiar name and your story which I infer is marginally pornographic in nature such as your story. (I haven't read it yet, but I sure intend to after all this!) You may have been slighted, Jim, but now you're being a cry-baby. Let's keep our freedom-minded wits about us, ok?

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 11:14 AM (yaMs/)

15 I disagree Trey, on most of your points. Censorship is when a person in authority suppresses the message of somebody they have power over. It does not need to be the government doing it. In this case, Max had total control over my submission to the Carnival. He chose to omit my entry. That is censorship and even he has agreed that it was precisely that. Of course people have control of what they post on their own sites. However, there is a history and expectation when somebody requests, and is given permission to host the Carnival. As long as I have been involved in the Carnival there has never been a case where the host intentionally censored a participant. There is an expectation that the host will include all submissions that conform to his submission policy and the general guidelines of the Carnival. Mine did. There have been other erotic and even outright pornographic submissions in the past and these were accepted in the Carnival by the various hosts. Max did not state any criteria for post content in his submission instructions. He omitted my submission based on hidden criteria and did so without even the courtesy of emailing me about it. If Max had requested that submissions be kept PG-13 I would not have had a problem with submitting another post. If he had emailed me that he was uncomfortable linking to an erotic post I would have had no problem giving him a different one for the Carnival. He did neither of these things. Worst of all, it appears that he based his decision on the three word description in my submission email (An erotic vignette) and not on the actual content of the post. I hope I'm not actually coming across as a cry-baby. I am honestly not pouting about this. I am admittedly peeved about it but I am more concerned at the precedent this could easily set for future Carnivals.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 11:34 AM (IOwam)

16 censorship (an action by a government) Find me that definition, please. This is twice now you've screwed it up. You've confused "First Amendment infringement" with "censorship," as so many on the right do (regrettably, as it only provides more ammo for those on the left--and I haaate that). Only the government can infringe your First Amendment rights, but anyone can censor.

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 11:55 AM (1+elX)

17 I hope I'm not actually coming across as a cry-baby. Funny; I doubt Trey cares that he's coming across as an illiterate wingnut. Fuck him.

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 11:58 AM (1+elX)

18 I thought perhaps I was a bit too harsh in that last comment, but it's now official: Trey Givens is an unqualified asshat: "My message to Jim is simply this: Perhaps Max was rude to you, but youÂ’re being a cry-baby. You were not censored. You were excluded from a private party. Shut up." How the fuck is the CoTV a "private" party? Has this guy ever opened a dictionary in his life? "My message to Max is this: I donÂ’t know you from Adam, but itÂ’s totally your call. DonÂ’t give in to this pitiful attempt to bully you into putting something on your site you donÂ’t want." And when or where did you once express that your aim was to bully anyone into posting anything? Oh, that's right: it all must have happened in Trey's head somewhere, because it sure as hell didn't happen on this planet. "My message to those whoÂ’ve lent support to Jim in his censorship argument: IÂ’m calling you out. You may be just wrong but youÂ’re more likely to be hypocrites given the circles in which we travel. Check yourself before you wreck yourself." Jim, please--make him stop writing Wiggerspeak to me! Aaaiiieee! My eyes! My eyes!

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 01:00 PM (1+elX)

19 Good point on the item of what censorship means, Jim. You're far more articulate and courteous than Ilyka. I stand corrected. While we're talking about definitions let's just spell it out: To censor is "to examine in order to suppress or delete anything considered objectionable." So, no one was censored as the post remains here for the world to see. It wasn't deleted or even repressed. (I noticed your link in his comments.) You were simply excluded. Would you consider it censorship if on my site I did not include a link to you? It's Max's business to add links as he pleases and it's only courtesy that dictates that he'd post your link with the rest. It should go without saying that he is not going to post something to his site that he doesn't like. Jim, I support your being pissed about it, because by all appearances Max was rude to you. But you have exaggerated the case. (Not that I donÂ’t love hyperbole myself.) Why don't you just not link to him? Why don't you just ignore him from now on since you've been slighted now more than once? Also, Ilyka, I appreciate the clarity that your point has brought to my thinking, however, you act as if there isn't a valid reason for my definition. The word "censorship" does mean the action of censors, which used to be government officials. You also act as if you have no home training.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 01:07 PM (yaMs/)

20 I've only submitted to CotV once, so I speak as a newbie. But I understood the whole creational purpose of it was to give posts that might get bypassed some exposure. I don't recall it saying anything about "after the owner of the host blog picks and chooses his way through them." Sure, if it's your blog you have the right to display on it what you choose. BUT if you take the responsibility of hosting a revolving event, aren't you obligated to go by the rules of that event? Man, do I sound calm and rational there or what? Oh, and this Trey guy? Fuck him.

Posted by: LeeAnn at November 13, 2003 01:08 PM (HxCeX)

21 CoTV is a private party, Ilyka, because it's their website. It's not some public forum for anyone to post links. And I also took down my original post about this issue to give it more consideration. I appreciate your flare for invective although it could use some refinement.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 01:13 PM (yaMs/)

22 BigWig has recapped the purpose of the Carnival and commented on this event: Ideally, a specific Carnival should represent an entire cross section of the blogosphere; right, left, gay, straight, religious, agnostic, young, old, and all the shadings and blendings in between. All it asks from a person is that they send the best part of themselves to participate. To reject a submission based on one's "preferences" is anathema to its ideals. And, come to think of it, anathema to the ideals of America as well. If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you can't link to posts you find disagreeable, don't volunteer to be a Carnival host. The waiting list is literally months long--let someone with a more democratic nature have a chance.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 01:13 PM (IOwam)

23 Well, good for them! But you're wrong Jim in claiming that it is an anathema to the ideals of America. It is the spirit of America to speak your mind, true, but that spirit doesn't mean you have to let people do it in your living room. And point of fact, someone, anyone else is allowed to start up a carnival of their own, am I right?

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 01:18 PM (yaMs/)

24 Bravo, Bigwig. That ought to settle it, though I do have one final question for Trey: You're using phrases like "check yourself before you wreck yourself" . . . and I'm inarticulate?

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 01:19 PM (1+elX)

25 That wasn't my claim, Trey. That was from BigWig, creator and master of the Carnival. But you're missing the point. When somebody hosts the Carnival they are acting as an emcee, not a moderator. They are hosting a participatory event with a history and certain expectations. One of the biggest expectations is that the host will not exclude participants based on their own feelings about participants' entries.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 01:23 PM (IOwam)

26 I didn't say you're inarticulate; I said you're unrefined. I do reserve the right to use any and all stylistic techniques in my speech and writing for the sake of effective communication and there is a specific and purposeful intent behind my use of that phrase. It is completely appropriate in the context in which it was written.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 01:24 PM (yaMs/)

27 Perhaps I have a more cynical outlook on such things as that Carnival. I do not share the expectation at any moment that the host will refrain from excluding participants. Because why should I? It's not like I believe that they are without their own biases and thoughts on things. Just seems irrational to think that they would include any and everything sent their way. Of course, this is great publicity for your story. Now, I can't wait to get home and read it and find out what all the stink is about!

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 01:33 PM (yaMs/)

28 Just seems irrational to think that they would include any and everything sent their way. My God, but you're slow. Let me put this in as refined a manner as I possibly can: Jim did not submit his post to Max at Dead Ends--who I certainly agree would have been free to accept or reject it at his whim. Max could have decided "Today, I am rejecting posts by all persons whose names begin with the letter 'J'" and no one would have had any business complaining. Here's the problem: Jim didn't submit his post to Max; he submitted it to CoTV, which merely happened to be hosted by Max that week. CoTV is over a year old; it is effectively a brand now, and Max doesn't own the trademark on it--Bigwig does. This means that those who volunteer to host it should respect its original intent, which has now been stated clearly by Bigwig. Max gets this. Jim gets this. I get it, and most of the trackbacked entries to this post get it. Why don't you get it? Oh--and nice work taking that post telling Jim to shut up down. Pops up and down like a jack-in-the-box, doesn't it?

Posted by: ilyka at November 13, 2003 02:00 PM (1+elX)

29 Ilyka, just because Max was hosting it doesn't change the fact that just assuming that links are posted without regard to content is somewhat foolish. You would be better off not arguing that this CoTV thing is a matter of tradition at this point than in saying it's young. Because if that's the tradition, well, what can one say about that? It doesn't change the fact that one should generally assume that the hosts of any site do exercise some conscience in what actually gets posted. It was kind of Big Wig to clarify for us, wasn't it? As for my post, yep. It's back now. I edited it to my satisfaction and put it back up on my site. Thank you for your attention on that matter.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 02:09 PM (yaMs/)

30 Holy Cow this sentence is unclear thanks to a single word: You would be better off not arguing that this CoTV thing is a matter of tradition at this point than in saying it's young. Allow me to restate: You would be better off arguing that this CoTV thing is a matter of tradition at this point than in saying it's young.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 02:11 PM (yaMs/)

31 heh heh heh... I should have kept my mouth shut there, should I? Oh well. Nevertheless, I stand by my judgment on the matter.

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 02:13 PM (yaMs/)

32 Hey, Jim! Although the core of my opinion has not changed, I do believe I've been unduly harsh and have such issued an apology to you on my site. Best of luck to you in your protest!

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 13, 2003 06:27 PM (oi3pf)

33 Thank you for the apology, Trey. I hope you will enjoy The Somnolence of Dreams when you get a chance to read it.

Posted by: Jim at November 13, 2003 06:49 PM (fkewd)

34 When Trey said this about Ilyka: "I appreciate your flare for invective although it could use some refinement." I hoped and prayed that my respect for the cool Ilyka would not diminish if she stopped her defense. She didn't. She's awesome.

Posted by: Helen at November 14, 2003 02:22 AM (ADrg6)

35 When Trey said this about Ilyka: "I appreciate your flare for invective although it could use some refinement." Aw, fuck me--he made a gross error like confusing "flare" for "flair" and I totally missed it and didn't use it against him? And now we're all made up, and the moment's gone forever. Waaah! Thanks, Helen. It's always nice to be called awesome. In the spirit of back-at-ya: I'm still snickering with evil glee over "No Strip Dances for You." I can't decide whether I think you should ditch the PU, or keep him around for an endless supply of comic relief.

Posted by: ilyka at November 14, 2003 03:03 AM (9UvaM)

36 I will admit to ignorance on the flair-flare thing. Once again I find myself educated by Ilyka. I suppose that's the absolute least I could after the spanking I gave her in this debate. ;op

Posted by: Trey Givens at November 14, 2003 08:58 AM (yaMs/)

37 Thanks for the kind words and hope you continue to be pleased with the output from that Samizdata spawn called Dodgeblogium.

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at November 14, 2003 10:05 AM (ni3Uj)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

No it isn't, you jackass! If it's new then there wasn't a previous substandard product that needed improving. In order for something to be improved you have to start with an unimproved item. That old unimproved item might have been new but just making it better does not magically erase the fact that it was already there previously.

You cannot have something that is both NEW and IMPROVED.

[/rant]

Posted by: Jim at 06:45 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Michele's post cheered me up quite a bit and I just got an email from the Pres that has put a big smile on my face.

I did not know until this afternoon that you were a veteran and just wanted to pass along my thanks for having served.

That's the President of my company, of course, not Dubya.

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The sickness that is rampaging through the household for the past week and a half has finally beaten me down into a pulp. I'm home today and won't be blogging much, if at all. The worst part is that Lovely Wife is coming off of her own sickness so can't get into full nurturing mode. What's the sense of being sick if you can't get babied by your wife? Ah, well. Such is life.

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 My Partner Unit, during a cold once, told me that a man with a cold is in as much intense agony as a woman giving birth. I asked him how the sniffles compares with pushing something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon, but by then he had lost consciousness due to all the pain from his fever. Or it could have been from me knocking him upside the head, not sure which. But I do hope you feel better, dear. You leave a big quiet cow-udder sucking shaped hole when you are quiet. Will email you some chicken soup (if it screws up your pc, don't blame me).

Posted by: Helen at November 07, 2003 09:32 AM (tdh2z)

2 Feel better soon.

Posted by: Jennifer at November 07, 2003 12:03 PM (JAen4)

3 He was right, Helen. It's not a physical agony but an emotional one. You see, when a man is ill he knows that some cromagnon is going to come and take his woman and then he's going to be eaten by a saber tooth tiger in his weakened state. This is an ingrained biological knowledge straight from the reptile brain and has nothing to do with logical or previous experience of successfully surviving a sickness. It's just the way it is and we all know that eventually we'll be putting down a tissue and look up to see 8 inch fangs coming towards our face. So you see, we're not being babies. Every sickness really is a life or death situation for a man.

Posted by: Jim at November 07, 2003 12:04 PM (fkewd)

4 Thanks Jennifer

Posted by: Jim at November 07, 2003 12:06 PM (fkewd)

5 Oh Man. You did NOT just compare the sniffles to your favorite caveman/build fire allegory, did you? Oh Man.

Posted by: Helen at November 08, 2003 04:22 AM (4tEWI)

6 Everything eventually comes back to the fire, Helen. All of it.

Posted by: Jim at November 08, 2003 08:31 AM (fkewd)

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A surge of support has carried Doppel-G to a strong victory in the poll, therefore the illustrious G shall furthermore be known as Doppel-G in these hallowed halls.

Thank you for your support and participation. I thank you, Munuviana thanks you, and most importantly Doppel-G thanks you.

Final poll results were:
Moondoggie (22)
Doppel-G (26)
G-Whiz (6)
G-Muse (4)

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