Kids if you've been paying attention this week we learned earlier from Victor that States can no longer ban out of state wine shipments.

Every seeking to help our reader in their daily lives The Snooze Crew™ set out on a mission to review the best screw top wines available. After several trips to the corner mini-mart we determined the results of this wine review site were accurate.

With the help of the wines mentioned in the review you too can drink any woman pretty; even her.

Hat Tip: Confederate Yankee for point out referring us to the Wine Review mentioned above.

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For those interested in filling out applications:

Hello - we are a team of award winning producers working on a film for a major cable network about women's progress - as well as our "unfinished business" and dreams.

We are currently seeking women in their mid-40's to 60's who might be interested in sharing their recent coming out stories on camera. We believe that, by focusing on the personal and workplace conflicts and concerns of women who recently came out, we can illuminate the important struggles, triumphs and hopes of the lesbian community and of courageous, individual women.

Sure they're looking for women, but I figured what the hell I'd apply too, I'm a Lesbian trapped in a mans body (so I'm half of what they're looking for).
If you're interested in filling applying, here's the contact information.

There that should help firm up Jim's standing in the gay community. No matter what anybody else says IÂ’m here for ya boss.

Posted by: phin at 12:41 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A good-ole-redneck boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the broken whiskey bottle glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, your bloodshot eyes, and all that blood in the bed, but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs!"

Posted by: vw bug at 10:21 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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What do Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have in common? more...

Posted by: phin at 09:30 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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The elusive blue footed boobie.

Posted by: Jim at 02:35 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If you had to pick one, would you rather have Narcolepsy or Turret's Syndrome?

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Next time you make a big purchase - big screen TV, car, house, trailer full of radishes, etc - when you get to the end of the haggle phase put a confused look on your face and say "You know, numbers that big are just hard to get your head around. What would that be in cases of beer?"

Now that I think about it, this might work even better for very small purchases like a pack of gum.

Posted by: Jim at 06:11 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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The results of the Drag Queen Cat Fight are in. Sorry it took so long. We had to wait for the Ohio returns to be validated. The winners, in traditional reverse loser order, are:

Second runner up (1 point)
There isn't one! It's a tie for first runner up!

First runner up (3 points)
Princess Red (aka Kenny) and Maxi Hemlock (aka Helen) with 4 votes each.

The most draggish of the drag queens (5 points)
ShyAnne Havenwood (aka Holly) with a runaway 12 votes!

Congratulations, Ladies!

Posted by: Jim at 01:08 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Q: Why do the trees in Georgia lean to the West?

A: Because Alabama sucks.

* The trees all do lean to the West though.

Posted by: Jim at 10:55 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Way back on this post we came up with our drag queen names. Tiffani suggested making it a points contest. Sounded good to me but I figured I'd throw in a twist. I picked out my 10 favorites and I'm going to let y'all decide which is the best, via this ultra secure, cheat-proof polling system*.

Vote carefully as the top finishers will be receiving coveted Snooze Points! This poll will stay open until some time next week.

Posted by: Jim at 10:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

(Hat tip to Joe)

Posted by: Jim at 06:44 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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UPDATE: Stealth points awarded!

Timmer: 2 points for answering the original question
Elyse: 2 points for finding an error in the problem and answering correctly using that info
Victor: 1 point because he's single-handedly kept the stealth points program alive

Here's one for your enjoyment:

Bob the Sailor (a cousin of Bob the Builder, but without the little trademark thingy after his name) needed some rope. He went to Crafty McRippoff, the only boat supply shop in town.

"Hey, Crafty! I need me some rope. Argh!" he said as he entered the shop. more...

Posted by: Jim at 01:52 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Frightening news:

There's trouble brewing, guys

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

* This title was scientifically designed by a Washington think tank to be irresistable to Harvey.

(Hat tip to Tiffani)

Posted by: Jim at 01:26 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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(Make your own with the Error Message Generator)

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Snowballs!

Something tells me that Claire won't be sending me an interactive Christmas card next year.

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Some things go together naturally and the symbiosis of the two is something better than the parts individually. Whether they're good or bad individually these blessed pairs become something onderful when added together. Take peanut butter and chocolate, Lovely Wife and I, alcohol and ladies of questionable moral fiber, or Michael Moore and a suppurating head wound.

On the other hand when some items are paired up they create a twisted melange far worse than either of the two taken separately. That's what we're here to discuss - things that go together...badly. Individually they may be good or bad but together they are horrific. I'll start us off, y'all chime in with comments.

1. patent leather shoes + bunions


2. morning wood + overcapacity bladder


3. explosive diarrhea + plugged toilet


4. Michael Moore + almost anything except a suppurating head wound


5. thong Speedos + any male


6. masturbation + mother-in-law


7. Natalie Maines + a clue


8. blogs + lists


9. pedantic newscaster + documents revealed as forgeries after the most cursory inspection


10. Paris Hilton + any recording device

Your turn!

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein)

Democracies flourish and terrorists frying;
Consumers with money and Arafat dying;
Third world nations removing their kings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the news blows,
When the web slows,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Moore getting fatter and Dan Rathers' firing;
Peterson busted and WalMart is hiring;
Cutting off deadbeats from our apron strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the French speak,
When my bones creak,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Football on TV and boobs in our faces;
Kerry defeated and panties with laces;
Politicians in oceans without water wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the car stalls,
When the roof falls,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Posted by: Jim at 12:33 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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SBD News Service (Atlanta) - American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Posted by: Jim at 12:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Lovely Wife sent me some gorgeous photos of sunsets and I'm going to use one of them for my desktop here at work. Problem is, I can't decide which to use.

That's where you come in! You get to make my difficult decision for me. Hey, I'm one step from the VP now. I'm learning the secret of delegation.

Take a look at these three and vote for your favorite:

Sunset one

Sunset two

Sunset three

Posted by: Jim at 11:23 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 #3 rocks, but since we're talking about work, I'd go with #1. At home, #3 might be a little hard to explain to the boys too...

Posted by: Clancy at November 18, 2004 12:51 PM (JxYJc)

2 Re: #3 - So... you just bought her a diamond? http://www.markehrlich.com/humor/debeers.htm Anyway, I like #1.

Posted by: Harvey at November 18, 2004 01:25 PM (tJfh1)

3 Number 2. Definitely. Number 1 looks so fake, and for some reason, Number 3 makes me think of my early 20's, not sure why.

Posted by: Helen at November 18, 2004 01:34 PM (AeGVs)

4 Fake or otherwise, I like #1. #2 deserves an honorable mention, though. #3 - Cute, but may require too much explanation.

Posted by: diamond dave at November 18, 2004 04:34 PM (QqpTI)

5 Dude! That should come with a warning label. I think #3 is quite suitable for work.

Posted by: DeAnna at November 18, 2004 07:56 PM (IdVP4)

6 i gotta go with #1. I'd LIKE to go with #3, can you get me her number? :-D

Posted by: tommy at November 18, 2004 09:43 PM (haOzA)

7 I like #1--it has religious overtones [as does # 3, now that I think about it ]

Posted by: Susie at November 20, 2004 12:37 PM (VR4G3)

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The jobs are out there somewhere. A friend of mine just got one.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

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