(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 01:16 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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When I got home last night Lovely Wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to the gas station.

Ba dum bum

(Disclaimer: In real life that's probably the second to last thing you'd ever hear from my Lovely Wife. The very last thing being along the lines of "I certainly am enjoying this ninety-five degree weather" or something similar. And the joke was from Dopple-G anyway so blame him not me, m'kay Sweetie?)

Posted by: Jim at 07:05 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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... and orders a beer. As he's waiting for his drink he hears a voice say "Nice shirt Buddy". He looks around but doesn't see anybody except the bartender.

"Hey, barkeep, who just said that?" he asks.

The bartender replies "Oh, it's just the peanuts. They're complimentary."

(Ba-dum-bum)

Posted by: Jim at 08:09 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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If alcohol is your passion, then clearly you are underage. Alcohol should be like an old friendly woman that you fuck. You know just how far you can go, just how much you can take, and sometimes, after spending too much time with her, you never want to see her again, but you always come back because it turns out you donÂ’t have anything else to do that night. ThereÂ’s no passion, just a nice mutual comfort. ThatÂ’s true commitment to alcohol, folks, so donÂ’t act like you love it unless you really do.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 04:29 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client.

He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Jim, what's happening?" To which I replied:

"Fuck off Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Posted by: Jim at 04:08 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." "I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and...Abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and...abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

The moral of the story: Men might be jerks, but Fairies are Female.

Posted by: Jim at 12:43 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Pop up this picture and note down the first five thoughts you have. Mine are in the extended entry.

more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:12 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item -- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in the $6-8 range.
 
While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for inexpensive wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I.  She said: "The right name is important."
 
So, with that in mind, here are the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
 
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
 
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...
 
1. Nasti Spumante

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

See Top Five for this and much more. Cool site!

Posted by: Jim at 10:06 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I'd be pissed too if I had to follow 27 rules to take a shit. Here are a couple of my favorites (the numbers are wierd because they're at the end of a long list of rules):

65. In the following three cases, anus can be made Pak with water alone:

If another najasat, like blood, appears along with the faeces.
If an external najasat reaches the anus.
If more than usual najasat spreads around the anus.

In the cases other than those mentioned above, anus can be made Pak either by water or by using cloth, or stone etc., although it is always better to wash it with water. (for details: see Notes 68 - 70).

67. If the anus is washed with water, one should ensure that no trace of faeces is left on it. However, there is no harm if colour and smell remain. And if it is washed thoroughly in the first instance, leaving no particle of stool, then it is not necess ary to wash it again.

Posted by: Jim at 02:09 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I wonder if it's my mischievous nature or my unparallelled geekitude that makes me grin at stuff like this.

How I met my wife

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it, since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pariel like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:17 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it" says Roy, "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days pass and finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

Posted by: Jim at 08:13 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Posted by: Jim at 06:21 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Happy April Fools day. I don't know about you but, I would feel really foolish to wear that costume arround the mall.

Posted by: Stephanie, Daniels_Mommy at April 01, 2004 08:28 AM (zqAaT)

2 We put up the Christmas decorations at work this morning... hln

Posted by: hln at April 01, 2004 08:54 AM (CWwGn)

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There once was a man from Iraq,
With holes down the side of his cock.
When he got an erection,
He'd play a selection,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.

What's your favorite dirty limmerick?

Posted by: Jim at 06:24 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE". Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the Plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the Plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the Plan and accepting new patients, has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Posted by: Jim at 02:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I couldn't resist. I asked the Googlegods what they thought of my weblog.

sbd is the backbone of the allied air to ground
Support our troops!

sbd is still considered "under development"
There's always room for improvement.

sbd is a very real threat
Um...Dude, calm down. My writings tend towards humor, I'm not out to overthrow the government or anything like that. more...

Posted by: Jim at 10:34 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Have you seen the commercials for these new Clearblue Easy Digital pregnancy tests? They're really neat. Instead of a line or colored mark that might or might not appear depending on whether you are or aren't pregnant, these give you your results in plain english on a digital display. The downside is that test results can be a bit irregular.

Posted by: Jim at 08:05 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston

Posted by: Jim at 08:25 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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What's your fav, I say what's your favorite Foghornism? What I mean is what's your favorite cut said by Foghorn Leghorn? Cut, that is.

My favorite:

Boy's about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.

Runner up:

Pay attention, boy! I'm cuttin' but you're not bleedin'!

Posted by: Jim at 09:49 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Ever get one of those "Everybody from X-place knows" or "If you're going to X-place you should know" email jokes that's been forwarded so many times that the brackets are so deep (>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>) it pushes the content into a single word column on the right? We got one the other day for the hometown and damn if it isn't accurate.

I shall temporarily ignore my Voluntary Southerner status and wax nostalgic as I present the much cleaned up list.

We, the people of Buffalo (and surrounding areas), hold these truths to be self-evident: more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:51 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Is there anything sexier than a babe and a wet t-shirt?

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 09:49 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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