February 18, 2004
What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Apologize profusely and wipe it off.
Posted by: Jim at
08:39 PM
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1
Elephants don't live in the jungle, so this is hardly likely.
Posted by: Pixy Misa at February 18, 2004 09:03 PM (jtW2s)
2
Well no, they might not live there but they certainly do vacation there. Didn't you ever see Tarzan?
Posted by: Jim at February 18, 2004 11:37 PM (saeHM)
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Egh - gross. I'd be more concerned as to what one is doing choking the chimp in the midst of one of natures most dangerous environments...
Posted by: Rob at February 19, 2004 06:10 AM (kXZI6)
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Not true!We saw Muteral of Omaha's Animal Kingdom on sunday which happend to be about elephants.And those elephants live now in the jungle because they got driven of off the savannah.
HA!
Posted by: LW at February 19, 2004 08:20 AM (saeHM)
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Driving them off savannah is a bit excessive could'nt they have walked?
Posted by: Jeremy at February 19, 2004 09:12 AM (FTWUX)
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Shot down in the blaze of glory...
Posted by: LW at February 19, 2004 09:17 AM (saeHM)
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how the heck do you get 4 elephants in a car?
Posted by: Rob at February 19, 2004 09:36 AM (kXZI6)
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2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How do you know if an elephant is visiting your house?
Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 09:41 AM (IOwam)
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Footprints in the butter....oh no,thats the fridge.
Posted by: LW at February 19, 2004 09:57 AM (saeHM)
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all of this elephantine talk has put me in mind of the old management saying:
Getting anything done around here is like elephants mating:
It has to be done at a very high level with lots of snorting and hooting and it take 2 years to produce any results.
Sound familier?
Posted by: Rob at February 19, 2004 10:03 AM (kXZI6)
11
That does sound vaguely familiar, Rob.
The way you can tell if an elephant is visiting your house? There's a car in your driveway with three elephants in it.
Posted by: Jim at February 19, 2004 10:28 AM (IOwam)
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February 10, 2004
Osama in Paradise
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.
He was greeted by George Washington, who gut punched him and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
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1
Mork from Ork himself busted out that joke in his last HBO special.
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 10, 2004 03:26 PM (Zw7Hl)
2
Couldn't find the trackback URL, so I'm just telling you that I linked this one at Alliance HQ
Posted by: Harvey at February 18, 2004 09:32 PM (ubhj8)
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February 05, 2004
Doc, it hurts when I do this...
Patient: Doc, I can't stop singing
The Green, Green Grass of Home.
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.
Patient: Tom Jones Syndrome? I've never heard of that. Is it rare?
Doctor: It's Not Unusual.
Ba-dum-bum
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02:48 PM
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Posted by: ilyka at February 05, 2004 03:52 PM (ZOsAC)
2
gawd.... that's awful...
Posted by: Mike the Marine at February 05, 2004 04:24 PM (IOX+E)
Posted by: Susie at February 06, 2004 08:29 AM (0+cMc)
Posted by: jeremy at February 06, 2004 12:29 PM (MH5Tq)
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
(I slay me! Hoo, boy, no more coffee for this guy!)
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10:42 AM
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Whadda ya call a DEER with no eyes?
No eye deer.
Posted by: rick at February 05, 2004 04:53 PM (oA/Vb)
2
Groan. Oh, boy. What have I started here?
Posted by: Jim at February 05, 2004 04:56 PM (IOwam)
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Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
Posted by: Jeremy at February 06, 2004 12:25 PM (MH5Tq)
4
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no balls and no eyes?
A: No F'ing eye deer?
Posted by: todd at March 16, 2004 09:44 PM (EIbsW)
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January 14, 2004
My dad was not too bright
When I was 6, I asked him where babies came from, and he said, "The stork!"
I replied incredulously, "You fucked a stork?"
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1
You're shittin' me, right? I mean, I saw the category and everything but that has the ring of truth to it.
I swear you're funnier than that dude over at Anger Management.
Posted by: Victor at January 14, 2004 07:57 AM (L3qPK)
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Yup, it's pure joking there. I stopped saying Fuck at around 4, when I could finally say the "TR" sound, and didn't start again until I was 7.
Posted by: Jim at January 14, 2004 08:16 AM (IOwam)
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I didn't know that your dad was THAT tolerant.I mean...you are still alive after saying that.
;-)
Posted by: LW at January 14, 2004 08:48 AM (fkewd)
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When my son was about six he asted me the question, and I spun some nonsense about ordering him from the baby factory. So he went to his mother and told her that I didn't know.
Posted by: triticale at January 14, 2004 09:10 PM (Ypal2)
5
Our oldest thinks they come straight from the docters office.Last week I let him watch "birth day" on Discovery Health channel,so he saw the whole nine yards.He asked me if the baby (just born) cried because of all the doctors and that he doesn't believe that babies are born naked,because our yougest had clothes on when he came home!
Posted by: LW at January 15, 2004 08:26 AM (fkewd)
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January 13, 2004
I can read your mind
Answer honestly and you will be amazed by my mental prowess as my powerful psychic powers probe the recesses of your mind to extract what you are thinking of. Sorry for all of the math but it is important to set the channels of your inner mind along a path I can interpret. Simply answer the questions below as quickly as possible then follow the instructions.
What is 5 + 1?
What is 3 + 3?
What is 2 + 4?
What is 1 + 5?
What is 4 + 2?
Say the word "SIX" out loud as fast as possible for 15 seconds.
What is the first vegetable you can think of?
Click here to see your vegetable
I also know about that thing you did last Tuesday.
(Hat tip to Auntie N)
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I actually thought potato.
I've seen this before, and it got me before. My experience has been that most people (included me) do think carrot. And I knew that I was supposed to think something, but before my brain even started to remember what I was supposed to think, potato popped into my head (boy that sounds weird written like that). I knew immediately that that was the 'wrong' answer, but I still couldn't remember the 'right' answer.
Anyway - I just wonder if anyone else had a similar experience...
Posted by: Clancy at January 13, 2004 03:18 PM (EGVPL)
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You rat - I was actually going to say "onion" and then changed to "carrot." Just goes to show you should always stick with your first answer..... I hate being predictable.
Posted by: Mike the Marine at January 13, 2004 03:55 PM (Zw7Hl)
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I thought zucchini. Do I need medication?
Posted by: ilyka at January 13, 2004 05:17 PM (Hs5qC)
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I don't know about medication but you might want to consider counseling.
Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2004 07:03 PM (fkewd)
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Doesn't look like broccoli to me!
Posted by: Kevin Baker at January 13, 2004 08:52 PM (X3MkM)
Posted by: Mookie at January 13, 2004 09:20 PM (2sKfR)
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I thought of zucchini too. Maybe it's my Texas accent.
Posted by: Ann at January 14, 2004 08:19 AM (Ylg5j)
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Hmmm...it seems that women are coming up with zucchini, the most phallic of the vegetables...guys are thinking of broccoli, which is essentially a
bush...odd...or perverted?
Broccoli is not a vegetable anyway. Its only purpose is to serve as a vehicle for cheese sauce.
Posted by: Jim at January 14, 2004 08:23 AM (IOwam)
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I thought banana.Guess I need therapy now,since I can't even tell the difference between fruits and vegetables.:-(
Posted by: LW at January 14, 2004 08:46 AM (fkewd)
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I always think of carrots. Always.
Posted by: LeeAnn at January 14, 2004 01:04 PM (HxCeX)
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Ig-mo. If you "think of onion" then change your answer to "carrot" then the first vegetable you think of is "onion."
No carrot for you!
Posted by: Brian Jones at January 14, 2004 01:24 PM (E4NcZ)
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I admit it; I thought of carrot. But I went with garlic, so I one up'd the test! mheh.
Why carrot? Maybe it's the same wiring that -- when you ask someone to name a color -- makes most people answer "red". Hmmm. It may have nothing to do with all the sixes at all.
Posted by: Tuning Spork at January 18, 2004 08:25 PM (gvAsX)
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Broccoli was my choice too. Interesting that some of us went completely in the other direction...wonder what THAT means.
Posted by: feste at January 22, 2004 07:47 PM (/SprX)
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It's a psychosis response scale with carrot being "normal" and broccolli being ... well ... what feste said.
;-)
Posted by: Jim at January 22, 2004 07:52 PM (IOwam)
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Didnt know a tomato was orange and skinny
Posted by: jason at February 04, 2004 01:33 AM (fAK5T)
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So I was intrigued by this little "mind trick' and did a little experiment in the class I teach. I made 1/3 of people say TWENTY twenty times (that's what I read works in addition to an equation adding up to 6), the other 1/3 said the word AVERAGE (just to see if a word causes the same response) and a control group I made say nothing before I asked them to name the first vegetable they think of. Here are the results. Of groups 2 and 3, 30% of people said CARROT. But that number jumped to 50% for Group 1. That difference is statistically significant, i.e. something about the word TWENTY (maybe I should have used other numbers to see if it is twenty or just some mathematical stuff) that causes people to say CARROT more. Odd thing is that there is really NO obvious connection between 20 and CARROT so why does it happen? (I had thought that all 3 groups would show the same incidence of the Carrot response). Anyway, point to note, only half of the people you ask will say CARROT after the number TWENTY. Not so high after all, eh?
Posted by: nerdcentral at June 18, 2004 01:13 PM (xg4ZX)
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Very neat!
I think I've figured the correlation between "carrot" and "twenty". Other good numbers to use to duplicate the effect are fourteen, eighteen and twenty-four.
14K, 18K, 20K, 24K
We hear "20 karat" all the time.
Posted by: Jim at June 18, 2004 01:36 PM (IOwam)
18
OMG, Jim. That's pure genius. Congratulations! And thank you. Finally, it makes sense of some kind. :-)
Posted by: nerdcentral at June 19, 2004 02:17 PM (xg4ZX)
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Hazard Warning
Proper handling of hazardous substances is no joke. Just look at the possible repercussions of treating this one the wrong way:
more...
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January 09, 2004
Dopple-G Tells a Funny
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
more...
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Posted by: LW at January 09, 2004 11:01 AM (fkewd)
2
My brain was flooded with about one thousand possible retorts to that...
...each one funnier than the actual punchline was!
Posted by: Helen at January 09, 2004 11:04 AM (kwhM3)
3
I was thinking "100 pussies that don't do dick". Is that a bit better?
Posted by: Jim at January 09, 2004 11:23 AM (IOwam)
Posted by: LW at January 09, 2004 11:24 AM (fkewd)
5
I think it's TRUE...not lame
Posted by: Mitzi at January 11, 2004 01:42 PM (olZTg)
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December 24, 2003
Twas the night before Christmas...whatever.
An original composition for your enjoyment. Don't read this one to the kids:
That pole to the north is a nasty old place
Where elves take their turns sitting on Santa's face.
Mrs. Claus lays around passing her gasses
while reindeer jerk off with corn cobs in their asses.
The geese are all too scared to sit
They know if they eat they'll end up on a spit.
The turkeys, all hens, have now formed a coven
To keep their collective ass from the oven.
The angel atop the ol' Christmas tree
Performs sexual favors, of course there's a fee.
In the workshop they're making some last minute dolls
but the Barbies are mad 'cause the Kens have no balls.
The Kringle's away, in his bathroom he's toking
The Feds want to know what it is he is smoking.
Rudolph and friends might be ready to fly
But Santa got baked and is already high.
The night wears on long but no Santa appears
So the reindeer put back the corn cobs in their rears.
The elves check in and find Santa a snoozin'
They vacate their jobs and start seriously boozin'.
Will Christmas have to be cancelled then?
No presents, no tree, and no Christmas hen?
What happens when it turns out Santa don't give a fart?
Don't worry kids, there's always Wal-Mart.
(See the full post at Ho ho holy shit!)
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December 22, 2003
Senator Clinton's aircraft crashed!
Senator Hillary Clinton was flying cross-country last night and had to make a crash landing in Texas. She was unhurt but reporters were able to get a picture of the wreckage before it was hauled away (in extended entry).
more...
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I was initially happy to read that headline, then very shocked at myself for being so happy (because that really just isn't right) only to be fooled by the obvious joke... Good one Jim - you got me.
Posted by: Clancy at December 22, 2003 08:52 AM (EGVPL)
Posted by: Lawren at December 22, 2003 10:15 AM (L9mwf)
Posted by: pylorns at December 22, 2003 11:41 AM (oMGhn)
4
lol... I love this joke
)
Posted by: Air Girl at November 26, 2004 03:46 PM (6STEz)
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December 02, 2003
Bipartisan Bumper Sticker
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...
Republicans affix them to the front bumper.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
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December 01, 2003
Has anybody else received spam like this?
This is a wierd one. I guess it would be classified as the "Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Scam".
more...
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yeah i get that email all the time
Actually I got 4 of those emails the ones about the Daughter or whatever in Africa trying to smuggle money out. This time it was only 20% of the money. What gives!
Posted by: pylorns at December 01, 2003 09:21 AM (AhTDr)
2
Methinks you missed it, Pylorns. It's a joke.
Posted by: Jim at December 01, 2003 09:28 AM (IOwam)
3
You people must be populait because I never get shit like this.:-)
Posted by: LW at December 05, 2003 08:42 AM (fkewd)
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November 18, 2003
A Short Hot Love Letter
I shall seek and find you...
I shall take you to bed and control you...
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan...
I will make you beg for mercy...
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you...
You will be weak for days after I am gone.
more...
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I was getting so worked up too.....damn.....
Posted by: MiMo at November 18, 2003 10:05 PM (JIgXp)
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November 08, 2003
Order in the court
Judge: I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but I cannot award you a divorce on the grounds of your complaint. We see no evidence that Mrs. Mouse is not in her right mind.
Mickey: Your Honor, I didn't say that she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy!
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October 31, 2003
Happy Holloween!
Here's some holiday linkage for your
viewing frightful pleasure.
The 100 Scariest Movie Scenes of All Time
Not a bad roundup - I can agree with most of them. Especially #19, Willy Wonka. You remember that nightmarish boat ride with the psychedelic-LSD-flashback-moving-walls and Willy Wonka spouting out a poem of terror about the Grim Reaper mowing? Yeah, that one. Scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. Best kids movie ever.
The 100 Scariest Holloween Costumes
The Devil Cheerleader is especially frightful. I don't think I could bear to have all of these come up to my door tonight. Oh, wait a second. Lovely Wife will be out with the kids. Bring 'em on!
What's scarier than STDs? I mean besides Michael Moore in a tutu. Nothing! So we'll close out the special Holloween post with some quotes ripped from the sperm coated hand of Condom Man himself:
more...
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I'm still scarred by the Oompa Loompas. And I have nightmares of turning into a Veruca blueberry.
Posted by: Helen at October 31, 2003 03:52 PM (tdh2z)
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October 30, 2003
Socratic Method?
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
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October 27, 2003
The Western Wall
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a wall."
(Hat tip G)
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October 22, 2003
Have you ever seen Ray Charles' wife?
Neither has he.
more...
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1
I always heard it as "have you seen Ray Charles' piano", but it cracks me up nonetheless.
I imagine hell is more fun than suspected, if all the jokers are there.
Posted by: LeeAnn at October 22, 2003 10:56 AM (HxCeX)
2
Q. What's it called when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder are playing tennis?
A. Endless love
Posted by: Anna at October 22, 2003 01:01 PM (Bzc/g)
Posted by: The Bartender at October 22, 2003 02:01 PM (zShau)
4
it is bad to pick on blind people it could come back on you. and you should respect the dead
Posted by: mazzie 316 at November 14, 2004 07:09 PM (wQknp)
5
If poking fun at people is outlawed then only outlaws will poke fun at people.
Posted by: Jim at November 14, 2004 08:00 PM (GCA5m)
6
I feel that the jokes that were submitted about Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder are in bad taste and is a great disrespect to two terrific musical artist. People should find something better to do than to make jokes like that.
Posted by: B. Ifetayo at November 24, 2004 01:29 PM (6krEN)
7
Hey, I joked about midgets too. It's not like I'm only after the visually challenged here.
Posted by: Jim at November 24, 2004 01:31 PM (tyQ8y)
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Ray Charles has probably seen more than you will ever see in a lifetime. Ignorant remarks, such as the one you made, leave you less able to see than him.
Posted by: Truth at December 10, 2004 02:55 AM (uPDzI)
9
Damn. Now the cigarette Nazis are after me.
Posted by: Jim at December 10, 2004 05:10 AM (GCA5m)
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October 20, 2003
Confessional
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!
(Hat tip G)
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Posted by: Tuning Spork at October 20, 2003 08:56 PM (boNdg)
2
Hahaha....that's great. And definitely good to read something humorous in the morning.
Posted by: Chewie at October 22, 2003 06:57 AM (qg4/e)
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