Trey posted his opinion on smoking bans. He just happened to post pretty much the exact thing that I was working on for a post. But being the resilient and dynamic writer that I am I will shift to another topic with the grace and agility of a ballet dancer. An incredibly well hung and hairy chested ballet dancer, I might add.

Cell phone use while driving. It's evil incarnate. It's dangerous. It causes accidents. Cell phones kill!

Fortunately, the Georgia Assembly is considering just how they are going to word a law that will make it illegal to use cell phones while driving unless you use a hands-free set. The people who are pushing for a law against cell phones aren't happy. This law isn't strict enough. You see, they want a complete ban on using cell phones while driving. They say that it isn't the act of holding a phone that distracts a driver, it is the attention he* pays to the conversation.

A complete ban on cell phones in cars just doesn't go far enough. We also need to make a law against talking to the driver. If a conversation on a phone is so distracting how could anybody argue that a conversation with the person next to you isn't? Maybe we can mandate that each new car has a sticker like the ones on busses: "Do not speak to driver while vehicle is in motion." Radios will have to go too. If a person is distracted enough by a conversation that it makes him a danger on the road then why in the world would we let him have a radio? A song he knows might come on spurring him to sing and shimmy in his seat. That's far too hazardous! And Lord forbid he listens to talk radio. Why, that takes active listening just like in a conversation! Death on the airwaves, I say. Axe the radios.

Back seats will need to be removed from all vehicles. If you have a back seat you might be tempted to drive a vehicle with children in it. Take it from me, children are far more distracting than any adult conversation. Better get rid of the passenger seat too, I guess. I know that there are already laws against having kids in the front seat but it's best not to risk temptation, right?

That pretty much takes care of the audio distraction problem but does it really make the roads as safe as they can be? Of course not. There are visual distractions all over the place. We need to outlaw bumper stickers, Jesus fish, Calvin and all of his pissing targets, NASCAR numbers, flags, country stickers and troop ribbons. There should be nothing sticking to a car that will catch a driver's eye and distract him. It just isn't safe.

We should probably get rid of all of the manufacturer emblems too. How many times have you seen a hot car, thought (or, Heaven forbid, SAID) "I wonder what kind of car that is?" and tried to read the manufacturer emblem? That is a textbook distraction. If those emblems are all removed then there won't be any incentive to try to read them.

Actually, it would probably be more effective to just get rid of all vehicles that might spark a driver's interest. It's really the only truly safe way to go. Say goodbye to sports cars and SUVs. If we mandate that all vehicles must look like a Ford Festiva then nobody will ever be distracted by another car again. The Festiva is a good model too, seeing as you don't have to worry about passengers anymore.

Firetrucks are gone too. I can't imagine anything more distracting that a gigantic bright red truck with flashing lights and sirens. I guess we'll need to include ambulances and cop cars in this class of prohibited vehicles as well. They can just get Festivas like the rest of us.

Horns! How could I forget horns? Sure they have some slight value as an alerting device toward the person you are targeting but they are distracting the hell out of every other driver. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few so we'll definitely need to toss the horns.

Phew! I feel safer already. How about you?

* I've used the male pronoun throughout this article because I find the "he/she" and "him/her" convention to be cumbersome. Besides that, women really shouldn't be driving anyway.

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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