First we have McGruff the Crime Tiger taking a bite out of Roy. Then there's the Alaskan bear helping Tim Treadwell through the qualifying rounds of the Darwin Awards. Now we've got a bear raiding David Letterman's whisky cabinet.

Letterman awakened the morning of Sept. 20 to find the bear in his kitchen, ransacking his refrigerator and cupboards and helping itself to peaches, chocolate cake, beef jerky and other delectables.

The bear pushed in a window screen to enter the first time. It returned the next morning, Madel said, and chewed off a window frame to get inside. The bruin scored again, eating more food and enjoying a bottle of whiskey.

The 300-pound male bear was trapped on Letterman's front porch during its third visit, said Mike Madel, a grizzly management specialist with the Montana Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks.

Wildlife biologists released the bear after capturing it Sunday in the Flathead National Forest just south of Glacier National Park.

I'm not a big time TV personality (though I play one on my blog) but I would have handled this just a bit differently. The first time a bear breaks into my isolated Montana ranch I get a gun. A very, very big gun. With big bullets. Very, very big bullets. Not that I really want to kill a bear, it's just that I really don't want to be eaten like that tree hugger in Alaska.

The second time a bear breaks into my isolated Montana ranch I leave said ranch. I do not come back to said ranch until Mr. Bear is dealt with by the authorities and/or my lackeys. (Why the hell am I paying for lackeys if I can't even use them to get rid of a bear?)

It's not that I don't love my ranch, cause I really do. It's huge, with a 5 bedroom split level, wet bar in the game room and 3 (count them, 3) jacuzzis. It's just that I really don't want to do an impression of Extra Juicy Predator Chow (Now with added flamboyance!) the way Roy did.

Are we seeing a pattern here? Are the animals striking back for the years of oppression and habitat destruction we have subjected them to? Come to think of it, Apple tried to trip me three times this morning...I smell a conspiracy.

Posted by: Jim at 11:21 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 401 words, total size 3 kb.