Well it wasn't a lamb, or even the traditional donkey. The piñata (notice the squiggly line over the 'n' there - am I good or what?) at the party on Saturday was a watermelon; sort of a meloñata. It wasn't just any watermelon either. It was a gargantuan watermelon filled to the brim with useless plastic trinkits, geejaws, whatsits and enough concentrated sugar treats to choke Oprah.

The cheap cardboard blindfold that came with the meloñata failed early. The other parents there had a problem with using Lovely Wife's leather blindfold (comes with matching ball gag) so we just had the kids close their eyes. more...

Posted by: Jim at 12:55 PM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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My job won't be ending at the end of the month. It will be ending...um...sometime else.

My neighbor in the MegaCube is the product architect for the software I work on. He's also the defacto head of our half of Development since we are still without a vice president on our side of the building*. He has been procrastinating a bit with submitting my termination paperwork. Well I guess you could say he's been procrastinating a lot with handing that paperwork in seeing as he's had it for the better part of two months. Seems he had a plan in case I didn't find another job in time.

At an offsite managers' meeting yesterday he requested and received an extension for my position. I'll have a job until they actually hire a new programmer. As there is no serious contender in the pipeline at the moment I've got at least a couple of weeks of continued employment.

Today's party will be much more festive now.

Posted by: Jim at 12:40 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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(Click for super-celebration size.)

The big guy is 5 today!

Posted by: Jim at 09:51 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Happy Birthday Bear!!!! What an absolute doll....does he look like your wife? Just kiddin there blogdaddy!

Posted by: Tiffani at July 23, 2004 09:56 AM (xpNFK)

2 Lucky for him, he does!

Posted by: Jim at July 23, 2004 11:01 AM (behRF)

3 Happy Birthday Bear! Until 120 years all in good health of body, mind, heart and soul. Hope you got some good presents!

Posted by: Rachel Ann at July 23, 2004 11:21 AM (MKgAo)

4 Happy birthday to your little Bear-or Bjorn, as we'd call him

Posted by: Helen at July 23, 2004 11:54 AM (k78uM)

5 Happy birthday! I wish you much cake and ice cream!

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 23, 2004 11:57 AM (LlPKh)

6 [leaves extra large chocolate chip cookie that says "Happy Birthday" on it]

Posted by: Harvey at July 23, 2004 01:23 PM (tJfh1)

7 With apologies for the lateness, Happy Birthday, Bear!

Posted by: ilyka at July 23, 2004 10:29 PM (sDw4/)

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We actually do have pictures of it, too. Lovely Wife took a bunch a few weeks ago. Only problem is they are just after we moved in and stuff is everywhere. Due to some problems (Dell sucks) with Lovely Wife's laptop (hard drive crapping out after less than a year) I've been using the old monster desktop PC (it works just like a regular computer, only slower). This has the side benefit of being the computer that's attached to the base unit of the digital camera. The one-touch Kodak digital camera. I was out of excuses to procrastinate about taking pictures.

I took a bunch last night but they're not ready to post yet. I am not what you would call a professional grade (or really even 'acceptable' grade) photographer so most of these need some digital assistance before they'll be usable. Little things like compensating for Jim forgetting to turn on any lights and things like that. I actually don't have time to do that at the moment as I'm trying to get enough work accomplished to take tomorrow off.

In the meantime I threw together a quick diagram showing our house's layout. You can't see where we live yet but now you can at least imagine it. more...

Posted by: Jim at 11:40 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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1 Looks very nice. Where's the moat? Every castle needs a moat.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 22, 2004 11:51 AM (LlPKh)

2 Psst-what numbers coincide with what bullets? Remember, your blogging stalkers need to look in the windows to witness the wily schemes. And laugh. And hold up score cards. And high-five each other.

Posted by: Helen at July 22, 2004 11:52 AM (pS7+B)

3 We have ferocious guard beasts instead of a moat. It was the same insurance break for either one and it's easier to feed a beast than maintain a moat. I fixed the number/bullet thingy. Stalk to your heart's content!

Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 11:59 AM (IOwam)

4 By the way, I came back to thank you. I just found myself silently singing to myself, "with two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard", etc. and it took a minute before I recalled why I was singing this. Good use of stealth earworm.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 22, 2004 12:03 PM (LlPKh)

5 I've gotten much subtler than I used to be.

Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 12:48 PM (IOwam)

6 ack!earworm

Posted by: pylorns at July 22, 2004 12:56 PM (FTYER)

7 I followed the link and I take your point. Of course, now I have that song to contend with as well.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 22, 2004 01:51 PM (LlPKh)

8 Screw you J-Snooze! Do you have any clue how embarrassing it is to walk around my co-workers singing "Our house is a very very very fine house" without even knowing it like a total DORK? PS: I think they already know I'm a dork.

Posted by: DeAnna at July 22, 2004 04:45 PM (IdVP4)

9 i won't be a jerk and ask how Bear gets into his room. Cool house, there Jim.

Posted by: tommy at July 22, 2004 05:32 PM (lhS2m)

10 Wow, is it to perfect scale? > I wonder if anyone I know uses their carport/garage for it's intended purpose. Ours is a piano storage room: very chic.

Posted by: Tiffany at July 22, 2004 05:49 PM (5Tm0V)

11 I am the king of the earworms. Hehe. Tommy - That's easy. I didn't mark where the windows are. Either that or we've discovered why I'm not a civil engineer. Tiffany - Yup, perfect scale. Only the proportion is different. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 05:53 PM (behRF)

12 Sitting in the sun room I see I should have made the sun room about a half again bigger. Also there's a door from the sun room to the deck (also missing). All those years with graph paper and lead skeletons have availed me naught.

Posted by: Jim at July 22, 2004 05:56 PM (behRF)

13 I'm totally doing a Sim house based on this. Niiiice! Oh, and the earworm link?--My boyfriend spent most of his youth thinking the song was called Secret Asian Man. He can't have been the only one. No, then again, maybe he could have.

Posted by: ilyka at July 22, 2004 07:15 PM (NJvzi)

14 Wait, it's not Secret Asian Man? My world is collapsing.

Posted by: tommy at July 22, 2004 10:15 PM (lhS2m)

15 Northerners actually use their garages to house their cars--odd, I know, but occasionally in winter it comes in handy to not have to chip off six inches of ice from the windshield before leaving for work...

Posted by: Susie at July 23, 2004 01:50 AM (11RPa)

16 Ironically, I never had a working garage while living in Buffalo. Only in Georgia where there's no realistic need for one have I been able to avail myself of the utility and here I don't use it.

Posted by: Jim at July 23, 2004 09:07 AM (behRF)

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... True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."

Due to some problems with Lovely Wife's laptop I've been to sleep a bit late the past couple of nights. This morning I woke with that pain in the head that clearly stated "You have not slept long enough, go back to bed", which I of course ignored seeing as this is a workday.

I was stumbling about through a mockery of my morning routine when I spied Henk, our sexy main cat.

Do you see how cruelly he teases me? Now that is a professional. (click for mondo size)

POINTS: Caption this picture. The best three captioners will get points (5, 3 & 1 respectively). Contest runs to some time on Friday.

MORE POINTS: 6 points to the first person who correctly attributes the post title without searching.

Posted by: Jim at 08:52 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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Damn, do I smell good today. I'm not talking just a little good. I mean I smell freaking good. I am seriously afraid to go near any of my female coworkers for fear that they might not be able to control their baser instincts and I can't afford any more torn clothing.

Yeah, that's how good I smell.

I think a little background is in order. Two things I'll never compromise on are toilet paper and my bath bar. I want a TP that is strong and soft and can quickly and efficiently scrape the shit from by butt crack but do it with the softness of a newly slaughtered baby bunny rabbit. My bath bar must leave my skin in a non-dry state and have me not smelling like a flower or a chemical. more...

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1 my fair lady?

Posted by: Tiffani at July 20, 2004 10:44 AM (xpNFK)

2 Nope, but you're on the right track. It was a musical.

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 10:52 AM (IOwam)

3 I feel pretty, oh so pretty. westside story

Posted by: shank at July 20, 2004 10:59 AM (+4mO/)

4 additionally, you're kind of homo-esque with the whole using the poof, conditioner, and high-end bath products in general. Call me a crusty man's man, but whatever happened to guys being okay with being guys. I blame the Fab Five and the metrosexual fad for making dudes feel like they gotta smell like chicks.

Posted by: shank at July 20, 2004 11:04 AM (+4mO/)

5 damn...damn...damn...

Posted by: Tiffani at July 20, 2004 11:07 AM (xpNFK)

6 Man, what an endorsement. Thank you. And also, you're very much welcome. It's a hobby that's slowly morphed into something much bigger than I imagined. Now that it's caressing the ass cracks of my favorite people, I am all the more satisfied. Enjoy.

Posted by: Anna at July 20, 2004 11:24 AM (gBpFI)

7 I RAN here as fast as my keyboard would carry me but dammit...I'm late! I would have gotten it right because I am the show tune queen, baby!

Posted by: DeAnna at July 20, 2004 11:42 AM (IdVP4)

8 Oh and I am so totally going to buy some of that soap. The next best thing to having J-Snooze is making my own man smell like him!

Posted by: DeAnna at July 20, 2004 11:45 AM (IdVP4)

9 I love West Side Story. First performed, by the way, at Brandeis University in Waltham, MA when Leonard Bernstein was head of the music department there. My wife works in the field of personal care products. I can relate, even if I don't partake myself.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 20, 2004 12:06 PM (LlPKh)

10 Shank - Correct! 2 points to you. But hold on one second...you got the musical trivia right and I'm homoesque for using something that a gorgeous California blond sent me? Hmmm...

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 12:38 PM (IOwam)

11 hey, in my defense: The only reason I know that song is because my roommate has 'Anger Management' on DVD. I watched it this weekend , and there's a few scenes where Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson sing that very same song to help calm themselves down. "...I feel pretty...Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." I'm not even sure if that's how it goes. See the movie, it's funny. At least I don't use a poof. right?

Posted by: shank at July 20, 2004 12:59 PM (+4mO/)

12 Hey, it's not like I'm using a louffa or something like that. I would have used a washcloth but I don't know that we even have any.

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 01:15 PM (IOwam)

13 Trust me Jim...you do own wash cloths. Ask your wife!

Posted by: DeAnna at July 20, 2004 01:24 PM (IdVP4)

14 Opium for Men? They make a soap that smells like that? And it . . . works? Ooh, guess what I'm placing an order for. I've been trying to get him to give up Irish Spring for ages anyhow. What was the favorite cologne they don't make anymore? I found a place on the 'net that still (well, as of a year ago) sells one of mine that no one else seems to carry anymore, so you do a little hunting, you never know what you'll turn up. As for this: you're kind of homo-esque with the whole using the poof, conditioner, and high-end bath products in general I'm sure Jim will remember that while the women in his office are ripping his clothes off and his Lovely Wife is totally going kung fu on 'em for doing so, dude.

Posted by: ilyka at July 20, 2004 03:05 PM (LWLzC)

15 Yup, Anna's got Opium for Men and Obsession for Women. Gotta get Lovely Wife some of that. Rowr! The favorite cologne I was talking about is Lagerfeld. The only Lagerfeld I've found in the past 3 years is the deodorant.

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 03:18 PM (IOwam)

16 My soap suggestion - Tea Tree Soap by Paul Mitchell. Also see: Shampoo and Conditional Link Below: http://www.paulmitchell.com/site/subpage.asp?section=2,10

Posted by: pylorns at July 20, 2004 03:23 PM (FTYER)

17 Oh. By the way. I'm nominating Jim for Metrosexual Man of the Year.

Posted by: pylorns at July 20, 2004 03:24 PM (FTYER)

18 Can't do it, Pylorns. I can't buy anything that's hawked at SuperCuts. It goes against my natural resistance to faux trendy. "Metrosexual Man of the Year"? Because of the soap or the soft toilet paper? In either case I shall have to write more about my buttcrack to compensate.

Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2004 03:26 PM (IOwam)

19 Lagerfield? I make it. Hugo Boss? I make it. Just about any designer fragrance I can turn into soap. And it will be alcohol free. Did someone even seriously recommend Paul Mitchell in this thread? Paul Mitchell contains Sodium Laureth Sulfate as does most all commercial soaps and shampoos. It's detergent. It's garbage. It's drying and harsh. Look in your bathroom cabinets. It's everywhere. http://www.safe2use.com/data/sls-sles.htm But don't take one report's word. Throw that chemical into a Yahoo! search and see what you find. shudder

Posted by: Anna at July 20, 2004 08:29 PM (gBpFI)

20 Thanks for the tip on Creekside - that's why I frequent this blog... lots of good stuff to check out

Posted by: moodie at July 20, 2004 11:18 PM (2XPvV)

21 I cannot be reading about your buttcrack and toilet paper habbits over my lunch hour. That's now one wasted sandwich and an image I can never get rid of...my eyeballs are still burning. Does Anna make anything for that?

Posted by: Simon at July 21, 2004 04:27 AM (UKqGy)

22 Um...she does make soothing lotions. Would that help?

Posted by: Jim at July 21, 2004 05:38 AM (behRF)

23 Hey, Shank. . Jim's a MANLY MAN. And you know what else? Men who SMELL GOOD GET LAID. Just sayin'. As for the title -- um. . .I hate to be difficult but isn't that from "Pygmalion/My Fair Lady?" I distinctly remember Audrey Hepburn singing that song. And I love Audrey. I'm going now. . . Love, Em

Posted by: Emma at July 21, 2004 02:26 PM (NOZuy)

24 Sorry, Em. It was definitely Westside Story. Perhaps you're transposing Natalie Wood and Audrey Hepburn?

Posted by: Jim at July 21, 2004 03:17 PM (IOwam)

25 You're right. *sigh* Not even the same category of woman, but I must have confused the two. Ah well. As for the rest of my comment: it stands. Lagerfeld. Mmm. Nice memories attached to that scent. (heh)

Posted by: Emma at July 21, 2004 10:33 PM (NOZuy)

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Next Saturday (the 24th) we're having a housewarming party. We'll have the grill going with burgers and dogs at 2:00. We're asking people to bring a side item with them (side dish, snack, soda, beer, etc).

Kids are very welcome. It's doubling as Bear's 5th birthday party so there will be games and a wading pool, sprinkler and fun stuff like that.

Please let me know by next Wednesday or so if you're coming and how many people you're bringing so I'll have an idea of how much beef and bun to get. (Yes my vegetarian friends, I'm planning on getting veggie meats too. Just let me know how hungry you'll be for soyburgers and/or fauxages.)

An RSVP also gets you directions to the lovely party location in Lawrenceville, GA.

We sure hope y'all can make it!

Posted by: Jim at 02:37 PM | Comments (30) | Add Comment
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Well it wasn't a twister but there was a twister warning. We spent a couple of hours in the hallway Wednesday evening because there was a tornado warning in our area. That's the only area of the house without at least one window.

We locked the doors so little fingers wouldn't "accidentally" open them, gathered pillows and a couple toys and had ourselves a little floor party. I made sure the boys didn't get concerned while Lovely Wife watched the newscast.

Some funnels were seen in neighboring counties but nothing near us. Still, it was good to go through a practice run. It made Lovely Wife fell better to do it and it was a learning experience for the boys. Plus it would seriously have sucked if a twister did hit and we had ignored the warning.

Some thoughts on our (not) nearly death defying encounter with a (non-existent) twister:

• It's really weird when the Doppler radar shows the darkest red evil violence right over your house and you look outside where it is as calm as a graveyard.


• Explaining a tornado to kids aged 2, 3, and 4 is not easy.


• Explaining a tornado warning is even harder.


• The hallway gets hot really quickly when all of us are in it.


• I left the scotch on top of the fridge. What was I thinking?


• It really sucks that our wireless isn't working yet. Damn you Comcast!


• It's odd what can lead to rekindling your love of Legos.


• No matter how big she is a chocolate lab will still get underneath the bed when she needs to.

Posted by: Jim at 01:13 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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I can't get the dead horse off of me until the alarm goes off again.
Our bedroom is really dark this early.
Ouch. The laundry basket could have been in a better place.
I wish the fan didn't come on with the bathroom light.
Damn, that fan is loud.
Look at the time. I hit the snooze three times. That can't be good.
Where the hell are the dog collars? Sorry bud, you'll have to wait for Momma.
That's not enough returns on my job searches.
My resume is smoking, my cover letter is professional. What's the problem?
Fuck professional. New cover letter today.
Need to get some more points out before my blogiversary.
Coffee.

Posted by: Jim at 08:43 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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What's the most Atkins friendly food out there? Why, meat of course! How can we cut the nasty carbs from our favorite frozen treat? The Japanese have found the secret. Instead of high sugar items like fruit or chocolate, use ground up animals!

Two great tastes that taste great together. Raw horse and vanilla. Mmmmmm. Or maybe some oyster ice cream? Talk about intersting consistency - you can't get much more unique than a frozen oyster.

Thanks, Trey! I almost vomited!

Posted by: Jim at 02:12 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Rawhide!

We took possession Saturday eve and have been moving heavy things since then. The sudden squalls today netted us a wet couch, love seat and mattress. Nice.

I'll most likely not be posting tomorrow. We won't have Internet until the cable guy gets to the new house (goodbye Charter, hello Comcast) and I'll probably be occupied in sweaty man labor regardless.

If I can find the digital camera I'll take some pics for the next entry.

Posted by: Jim at 10:10 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1 Congratulations on the new house.

Posted by: Kate at June 27, 2004 11:23 PM (FcPaN)

2 Hurry up. No one is commenting at my site.

Posted by: Jennifer at June 28, 2004 02:44 PM (DdBLw)

3 That is exciting... sorry about the couch/love seat/mattresses, but know that rocky beginnings are a sign of good times ahead. I tried to say that in a more clever way but I couldn't and I just made it up but I really hope it is true; that for every difficulty you have with the move, every little problem, you should have ten times the blessings in the years that follow.

Posted by: Rachel Ann at June 28, 2004 02:51 PM (9vaJp)

4 Thanks, y'all. The furniture dried out okay so no damage done there. Doesn't it figure though that the last load last night would have the dresser in the pick-up when another squall hit. I laughed and laughed and laughed. And people say God doesn't have a sense of humor! LOL

Posted by: Jim at June 29, 2004 05:30 AM (bmLWy)

5 Photos + sweaty man-labor = bring it on!!!

Posted by: Claire at June 29, 2004 06:44 PM (l1oyw)

6 Please tell me that you initiated the new pad in the...er...most appropriate way.

Posted by: Helen at June 30, 2004 06:02 AM (jqTFJ)

7 But of course! No pictures yet, though. ;-)

Posted by: Jim at June 30, 2004 07:27 AM (IOwam)

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I just deleted (permanently) about 20 emails that I needed to follow up on. Every morning I eradicate my overnight spam with extreme prejudice. This morning I highlighted all of the messages in the folder just like I do every day, held down the "shift" key and pressed "delete". When the happy little pop-up popped up and asked "Jim, are you absolutely sure that you want to delete these emails in a frightfully permanent, never to be undone manner? I mean - you will never, EVER see these again and that's no joke Homey. OK or Cancel?" I hit "OK" like I do every day. Imagine my perplexity when all of the emails in the folder disappeared but the number next to the "Junk" folder in my Outlook bar stayed exactly the same. Follow along with my thought processes:

that's weird...what just happened there...something wrong with the Outlook bar...did I just go through the delete sequence or am I so sleepy that I messed it up...mmmm coffee...folder's definitely empty so why does it still say there are unread messages...weird shit...oh, wait...when I click on the folder it's full again...was I even on that folder...where was I...what did I delete...sonofabitchshitdammitarghhhhh!!!

Damn. There were emails from Melissa (the car Pimpress) and some new Pimp Dogg in there. I think I can fake it responding to those though. At least 3 or 4 leads for Zero Intelligence just bit it and that hurts. Good leads aren't as easy to come by now with summer break in session. There were two for Memeblog; hope Simon will catch those. Oddly enough there were some work related ones too. How did those get in there...

If you mailed me and were waiting for a response please mail me again.

On the plus side, my Inbox hasn't been this clean in three and a half years!

Posted by: Jim at 07:50 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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It's time to impart some of the pearls of wisdom we've acquired up to this point.

Get the paperwork requirements early. Late last week after we had signed our agreements and everything was set between us and the sellers we got a package from our broker. (A broker can be of great help in acquiring a loan at an excellent rate, helping to get you through special purchase requirements like HUD, FHA and VA and otherwise make the money side of house buying much easier.) The package from the broker had a stack of forms to fill out and sign and a list of papers and receipts we needed to provide within 24 hours. WTF? Granted some of these could not have been completed until after the purchase agreement was signed but the vast majority could have been gathered and/or filled out at any time if we'd known about it. Turns out this is a standard thing in the industry because brokers don't want to spend money on your paperwork if you aren't committed (in writing) to a house. They only make money if you get a mortgage. Insist on the list right away because you'll pull out hair trying to gather everything at the last minute.

Keep off of the bank account. My Mom wanted to help us by paying for our inspection and she also wanted us to get some nice housewarming things. She sent a check. We deposited it. BIIIIIIG mistake. You see, if there are any unexpected deposits or withdrawals the lender wants to know what they're for. They want you to PROVE what they were for. They need to know that you didn't just incur an additional debt or that you aren't paying on an undisclosed debt. This is a hassle, especially when you find out that it is needed on Friday evening and the closing is on Tuesday. And the check was a gift from your out of state Mom. And because it was from her credit union account and they have barely mastered paper processing and are terribly frightened of any terms starting with an "e-" so there's absolutely no way to get a copy of the canceled check. You end up having to forge your mother's signature on an affidavit saying that the check was a gift but take the time to write her name out a hundred times or so in order to get a smooth flow since you haven't had to forge it since you were in Junior High.

Ask for the world, their draperies and their pets. House Lady was really good here. She asked for absolutely everything we could think of and added some things we didn't think of. When you put that offer in the only way it can go is down. If you don't have things that can be cut off of it then you are not going to get some of the things that you really want/need. Plus if they're desperate enough you just might get their pets.

Don't ever think of skimping on an inspector and get a good one. Another place House Lady came through for us was hooking us up with an excellent inspector. Earl knew his shit and based on his inspection we had a long dozen things (actually it was a dozenty-three things) that we wanted repaired. Similar to the point above we asked for everything to be fixed, even stuff we really didn't care about. They gave us everything. He shoots, he scores! (There was an issue with one fix - a 30 amp fuse that didn't get placed but that was ultimately by my choice.)

Posted by: Jim at 01:45 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The deed is done! Or, more precisely, the deed has been transferred and then put in hock for the next 30 years. Either way we're now homeowners.

Damn, what a relief it is. The paperwork crunch over the past several days (including last night at 8 PM) has almost driven me to drink. But all that's over now and all that's left is the move.

We had a celebration dinner and our first stop at Home Depot to buy things for the house - fire ant treatment and plant killer. No fire ants now and we want to keep it that way. The plant killer is for the poison ivy in the back yard. It's not bad (just two plants) but I want that stuff dead in a very final manner. We also bought wall anchors and hooks 'cause you can never have too many things on the walls.

Right now I'm debating whether to open the bottle of champagne that the lawyer gave me at the closing. I'm sorely tempted but I think we'll save that for our first night in the new place.

Everybody should be planning on being in the Atlanta area some time in the early middle of July for our breaking-in celebration. I'll let you know when we get the date set. :-)

Posted by: Jim at 06:47 PM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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In approximately an hour and a half my Lovely Wife will be picking me up from work. We'll go home and have some lunch. I'll then travel to a lawyer's office where I will sign my name for close to an hour straight. At approximately 3:30 PM I will be a home owner.

I am so freaking totally butterflies and needles right now.

Hot damn!

Posted by: Jim at 10:42 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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As you can probably imagine, getting ready to move into our first house has kept the finances tight. As a result I wasn't expecting any Daddy's Day prizes. My Lovely Wife is not one to be put off by something so simple as lack of cash though.

I ended up with a big-ass Coleman propane grill with side burner, 2 magnolia seedlings and a 2-stroke gas powered weed whacker. I was also in temporary custody of a stuffed shark, a marble, a Barney car and a bag of rubber balls. The little people reclaimed the smaller gift items throughout the day.

How'd she finagle such largess? She found this group called FreeCycle that connects people who don't need stuff anymore with people who could use it. Very, very sweet. I need a fuel line for the whacker but that's no big deal. The grill needs a propane tank but our broker (may the angels smile upon him) is donating one of his extras.

Is my Lovely Wife awesome or what?

Posted by: Jim at 11:38 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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My eyes are giving me a headache. Let me expound - I've had a headache for a few days (obviously stress related from the house and the job) but since yesterday it's been getting worse with light. Bright light builds up the pain to unbearable levels and no drug I have access to can touch it.

So I've been sitting here in my brightly lit cube with my brightly lit monitor feeling the shearing grip of pain extend through my head like a tentacled horror burrowing through my skull. All of a sudden I had a V-8 moment. You know - when you slap yourself for not thinking of something so obvious as to be ridiculous? Yeah, one of those moments.

I've turned off the lights in my cube and reduced the monitor brightness to "way low". The overhead lights provide plenty of light for anything except novel reading and since I don't have any excellent works of fiction here that's quite sufficient. With the monitor turned down low it's actually almost soporific to gaze upon.

Ah...feel the fingers of bright shiny pain receding...

Posted by: Jim at 11:27 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The closing won't be tomorrow but it will be on our original planned date of the 23rd. That's Wednesday. I'm going to be a homeowner.

Holy shit, y'all!

Our broker is just fan-freakin-tastic. Not only has he bought down our rate (this is banker talk for "I'll give you money now instead of later), he's finagled the closing numbers so well that our out of pocket expense for buying this house is hovering at or below zero dollars. Yeah - at or below zero dollars to get into this house.

As in, pay no money and get into the house. Have a month on us and just pay your mortgage starting in August.

The appraisal also came in at just a hair under $135,000. Our mortgage is for $130,000.

We're putting zero dollars down to get into a house that we'll have almost five grand of equity in as soon as the ink dries.

I love the Navy. I love the VA. I love my broker.

Posted by: Jim at 03:26 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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We had our team meeting this morning. This was a bit odd since our Product Architect and temporary team director (did I mention that there's STILL no executive in charge of Development yet?) is in Hawaii. The reason became clear when Project Manager Girl ran out of things to say and admitted she was dragging it out because President Guy had said he wanted to stop in on the meeting. For all y'all who aren't in a corporate setting this was the equivalent of Project Manager Girl standing on the conference table and screaming out "This is a set up! This meeting was only held because President Guy wanted y'all for a captive audience while Product Architect is away!"

Except she's stubbornly clinging to her Pennsylvania speech patterns so she wouldn't have said "y'all".

He wanted us to know how proud he is of our product and how important it is to the company. He went on and on about how the quality of the product is so fantastic that we are in a position to leverage our synergies to extemporate our marginalizations, or something like that. The vast difference in product quality since release X.0 was mentioned a couple of times. How life was horrible at X.0 and earlier but that now we've only got legacy issues left from the bad old days. Everybody who's using X.1 through X.4 loves us to tears and wants us to have babies with them.

Know what the big addition was after X.0? The big change that was made to address the massive quality problems? The one constant that has been in place during the increasing reliability and decreasing incident versions of X.1 through X.4? A dedicated Quality Assurance Analyst. Me. I came in to a product that had devastating quality problems. Now we have a product that is so reliable they don't even need to think about quality any more. So they're getting rid of the QA Analyst position.

Stupid mother fuckers.

I'd like to say that I don't hope the product tanks when I leave but that would be mostly a lie. It doesn't really matter what I hope for anyway. Programmers working as part time quality people are not going to put out a reliable product. They already proved this in the pre-Jim versions.

History will repeat itself and by version X.6 this product is going to be a dog again.

Posted by: Jim at 01:07 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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These are movies that are so bad you killed them (had to turn them off or leave the theater because you could not stand to watch them any more). I'm pretty tolerant and have a high pain threshold. I can generally watch even really bad movies (like Lifetime channel ones). Either I'll mentally ridicule it and amuse myself that way or I'll just use it as a two hour brain nap. But even with my inhuman resistance there are movies that I simply could not finish watching.

I want to work up a list of these killer movies, sort of a "worst of" list. I'll start it off with one of mine and then y'all pile in on the comments and I'll update the list periodically. No rules except you must literally have walked out on it or turned it off, never to return to it again. Let's keep it limited to first run movies too. If it was direct to video even the distributors knew it was lousy. Give some sort of clue why it was so bad, too.

The List of Killer Movies:

About Schmidt (Trey): I hate him for peeing on the floor. I hate him for making me see those huge, gross boobies. I hate this movie because like Eyes Wide Shut it is boring, except instead of being about walking, this movie is about driving, which is just as boring. At least it's day time.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (Mark): As if watching Jim Carrey talk through his butt wasn't enough, there's a truly excreble love scene with "In The Jungle" in the background. My brother and I, though only having paid a dollar to witness this cinematic treat, raced each other to the car after that.

Battlefield Earth (Ilyka): My boyfriend rented it as an exercise in masochism. Turns out he's a much bigger masochist than I am, because he made it all the way through and I had to quit at about 45 minutes.

Blood Work (Trey): This is a movie about how some women really just want to have sex with really old, gross, wrinkly men. That's their business, but it should have been on the poster so that I would know to avoid it. Also, there is some boring talking. I swear I saw a boom mike come into the frame a couple of times. Oh, and there's a kid that stands as a good argument for abortion.

Cabin Fever (Trey): Ok. I take it back about there being an exciting movie about flesh-eating bacteria. This movie has that and it's just dumb. Dumb + about 75 million gallons of fake blood. It's a movie about how movies sometimes don't have any relationship at all with reality. The only good thing about this movie is that it's the movie TGD and I watched on our first date.

Eyes Wide Shut (Trey): This is a movie about walking. Tom Cruise is a good walker especially after dark. It was almost a movie about Nicole Kidman's Heiney, but it doesn't show up enough to make it worth watching. There are some other naked people, too, but they also do not outwiegh the apparent vast importance this movie places on walking. And also some talking about boring things. [ED - This one's on my list too. It's a terribly serious movie too. I turned it off when I realized I was waiting for a crying clown to appear.]

Farewell my Concubine (Simon): Had me wishing I was in a room with someone actually draggin their fingernails down a blackboard. Not only did my girlfriend at the time and I walk out, it was so bad it put paid to any chance of sex that night. Damn that movie.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly (Me): Yeah, the definitive 'guy' movie was so bad I turned it off. It was shortly after Lee VanCleef's character beat some information out of a whore that I realized that this movie just flat out sucked. The dialog is too over the top to survive even the suspension of disbelief rule. The characters are so universally reprehensible that I was hoping for a three way shootout with no survivors. The dubbing and sound effects were unbelievably bad. There was at least a half-second difference between the video track and sound tracks and that gave it the feel of a Japanese monster flick. There were no sounds except dialog and guns and an occasional door. Just a horrific train wreck of a movie overall.

Insomnia (Trey): Insomnia is not an exciting affliction. Name a movie "Flesh-eating bacteria" and then you can talk excitement, of course, the movie would be much shorter than Insomnia, which if the movie IS insomnia wouldn't be a bad thing. Robin Williams isn't scary like Hannibal Lector. He's scary like Chester the Molester and that's also not good. I don't think there's a likable person in the whole movie. I want them all to die.

It's Pat (Emma): Proof that Hollywood hasn't had an original idea since 1940 and that not all SNL skit rip-offs are a good idea. Horrific.

Johnny English (Me): It was so trite, juvenile, predictable and plain not funny that even the promise of Natalie Imbruglia in tight cleavage-revealing outfits could not entice me to endure it.

Lost in Space (LeeAnn): Such horrendously "written by the sappy woman at the end of the assembly line" Hallmark dialogue that even Gary Oldman couldn't save it. One of the few movies I've walked out on.

Lost in Translation (Trey): This is movie about an old and not very funny man who fancies himself to be either not as old as he is or way older than he is and definitely more funny than he is. And he stays up late at night. This movie should be stopped after the "Lip my stocking, Mr. Hallis" scene. Again, boring.

Meet Joe Black (Harvey): Beloved Wife & I figured it ought to be good, what with Anthony Hopkins. Bleah! Bad dialogue, turtle-paced-plot, a lot of blank expressions, and conversations that did nothing to advance the plot or story. I think we lasted half an hour.

Naked Lunch (Me): I only rented this because it starred Peter Weller. If Robocop was the star it had to be good, right? Oh man was I shocked when I discovered it was actually a porn/snuff flick featuring a lunatic fucking a typewriter. This one got turned off the first time Gizmak the Typer licked itself clean with its twelve inch tongue.

Passion of the Christ, The (Helen): I had thought it would be inspired, but instead it was like watching defrost meat get whipped on a kitchen counter. Dude, can you say "gratuitous"?

Punchdrunk Love (Trey): This is a movie about what if Adam Sandler were just a smidge more retarded than he already is and is still able to convince a pretty lady to put up with him for more than five seconds. If I were Adam Sandler in this movie, I wouldn't be retarded, but I just might kill everyone I know with a tire iron or a steak knife.

Scream (Mark): I also made my friends get up and leave the theater after the beginning of Scream (when the girl gets her throat slashed and can't scream to her parents) because I realized I could no longer stomache slasher films. We saw Beavis and Butthead Do America and had (at least I did, and I'm not much of a fan of Beavis and Butthead) a grand ole time.

Seabiscuit (Ilyka): I probably could have stayed with it if I'd tried harder. As it was I was mocking the condescending narration a lot: "Now y'see, back in the 1930s was a time known as the Great Depression, because it was very depressing not being able to find 'nuff to eat. But it was Great if you were rich." But I cracked and we walked out of the theater halfway through.

Starsky & Hutch (Susie): I think it was the first movie I literally walked out of the theater on since The Man Who Fell to Earth. Thank God it was playing at my theater and I hadn't paid anything to get in. The absolute bottom-scraping of "let's turn old tv shows into movies between making remakes and sequels because thinking is hard" school of film making.

Touch of Evil (Ilyka): One of mine is one which repeatedly makes the "best" lists by people who know far, far more about the art of filmmaking than I do: Touch of Evil. Couldn't watch the damn thing. Couldn't take Orson Welles' mumbling. Couldn't buy Charlton Heston (yes, Charlton Heston) as a Mexican. Couldn't stand the female lead. Couldn't even follow what was going on because, oh my God, did I mention the mumbling? So I guess I have no taste in cinema.

Toxic Avenger, The (Clancy): I remember being in the video store with my (then) girlfriend and looking at the (then) old campy movie section. A guy stranding next to me said, “Hey Pal, watch this one. I just say it and it was good.” So we took it home. And had to kill it about 30 minutes in. I still wonder about that stranger. Did he really think it was good, or is he still laughing?

Truth or Dare (Dopple-G): It was all about girlfriend secrets and stuff like that. I was really looking for tits and ass - you know, spank material - and this was targetted for girls and homosexual guys.

Posted by: Jim at 05:33 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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