I have a lot of respect for people who are working to lose weight, get healthier, get into shape, etc. But for the love of God please wear body-style appropriate clothing. Driving around Stone Mountain on Sunday we were treated to the sight of a twinkie intolerant young lady wearing a tighter-than-skin black lycra body suit. It looked like a nest of pythons trying to fight their way out of a hefty bag.

My eyes still burn.

Posted by: Jim at 01:56 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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I was out yesterday getting my license renewed. I had hoped to have some excellent blog fodder from my DMV experience but the bastards were smooth and efficient. All of our preconceived notions of the long lines and horrific treatment were left unfulfilled and we emerged from the experience in dastardly good spirits.

Bloody useless for blogging.

Posted by: Jim at 01:18 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I recently found some old (couple years anyway) pictures on the relic Windows 95 system I use for some regression testing. Among them is one from Memorial Day in 2001 that I've put on my desktop. The only problem is that I'm drooling every time I minimize a window.

(Click for biggie size)

Posted by: Jim at 01:35 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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Please, please, oh please, go to this guest post at Lovely Wife's blog and say how very much you agree with the poster. Don't forget to throw a "Yay" in the comments, just to make it official.

Thank you. The check is in the mail.

UPDATE: Never mind, y'all. LW purged and closed the comments as it was getting way too serious. My thanks to the ones who figured out it was humor, though!

Posted by: Jim at 08:38 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Tiffani rocks like no other. Thanks to my blogdaughter's largess I stayed up way too late watching this:

(Click for biggie size)

Scarface is one of my all time favorite movies. You need to ignore all of the white actors with bad accents playing Cubans. Seriously, y'all - who the hell cast Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio? She's too white to play most white people. And once you get past the amazing amounts of gratuitous violence (chainsaw. bathtub. 'nuff said) you're left with a wonderful tale of an immigrant who saw the American Dream and reached out to take it with both hands. Both hands, a submachinegun and a few keys of yeyo up the nose. But you get the picture.

Thank you, Tiffani!

Posted by: Jim at 07:41 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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The most frequent question we get when people discover that we're homeschooling is "But aren't you worried about your boys' social skills"? You know - how are they going to become socially adept without being in a group of their peers?

No, we're not at all worried about that. Contrary to the ready myths, schools are not about socialization. They are really about institutionalization. Where in the world are you regulated in every aspect of thought and deed the way you are in school? Where else are you restricted to dealing only with people the same age as you are? Where else are you given so little autonomy as in school? Take "school socialization" into the adult world and it's as funny as it is ridiculous. The following examples are from an excellent article by Lisa Russell. I can't find the original but Lovely Wife has a copy: more...

Posted by: Jim at 06:50 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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We didn't get acquired by the Crimson Permanent Assurance after all. We've been assimilated by the Borg Collective. That might sound scary but it's pretty awesome being on the inside of the all-powerful cube of destruction and menace.

I'm not joking about the assimilation either. A day after the acquisition was announced we were no longer TheCompany. We are now The Duluth Office of the Collective (formerly TheCompany). We will be fully integrated within 90 days. Seriously.

The Collective identified our vertical market (Distribution software) and bought a dominating share of it in less than 5 months. And they're not done. They are currently (right at this very moment) busy assimilating 4 more companies.

Prophet21 was our bogeyman for years. They had financial backing that we couldn't match. When we competed head to head they would undercut us so badly they'd make themselves hemorrhage but they'd steal the sale. They did the same to our sister companies. If you went through the hallways here and said "Prophet21" to somebody you'd likely get the finger and a "fuck you too" back. In the span of just a couple of days Prophet21 has turned from a source of nightmares into a target.

It's good to be the Collective.

Posted by: Jim at 01:40 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I spent a half hour on the phone today with a recruiter from BigCompany.com, who needs both network admin types as well as QA people. She's sending me some things to look over.

Nothing for forever then as soon as my job isn't being eliminated I get hits. What's up with that?

Posted by: Jim at 01:28 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Well, actually not. The new boss is an order of magnitude larger and doesn't need to get rid of Quality Assurance in order to hire another programmer.

My position is no longer being eliminated. Yay!

Now this is no guarantee that my job will remain the same after the acquisition operation plan is cemented. I might be part of a QA group, I might be working from headquarters instead of this building, I might be working on my product and the other major one from my (former) company. We'll know what's happening there by September.

The important thing is I've got a job and will be continuing to have a job.

Thanks to all of you who have assisted in my job search. You've done everything from reviewing my resume to cheering me up to sending me job notices to whoring out my resume at your places of business. You've been absolutely awesome.

You're all invited over for a beer.

Posted by: Jim at 11:45 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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I am working for a new company as of yesterday. Sorry I didn't tell anybody but I didn't know about it until the company meeting a couple of minutes ago.

As of yesterday the company I work for was acquired by a multinational. This is exciting in many ways. Primarily it is exciting because this same multinational has acquired two of our biggest rivals in the past 5 months. The three of us together now form the largest business unit for distribution management in the world. A business unit with a projected revenue of $100 million this year.

I won't really know until tomorrow but it is looking very good that my job has been saved.

Can I get a WHOOP-WHOOP!!!!

POINTS: One point for the first person to source the title of this post (without searching).

Posted by: Jim at 05:59 PM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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Show me your war face!

(Click for biggie size)

Points: But of course! This will be open for a couple days. Probably to next Monday.

Posted by: Jim at 08:46 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Sunday afternoon we were out enjoying the beautiful weather. [ed - The weather was really, really wonderful. Just ask Kelley.] The wading pool was filling up and the squirt guns were on semi-auto. When the pool had filled I went to the faucet to turn it off and noticed the two sprinklers that had been left by the previous owner (the kind that makes a fan of water that goes up and over and back again, not the 'chut-chut-chut-chut-chut' spin around kind). A light bulb appeared above my head - the boys had never had the experience of running through a sprinkler.

Without delay I set up the first sprinkler in front of the house, just far enough that the spray didn't go onto the front porch. The kids were getting curious and were edging closer to see what was going on. Bear(5) asked me what I was doing. I replied cryptically "Setting up a sprinkler". Okay, so that's not really cryptic to you and me but to somebody who doesn't know what a sprinkler is it is fairly abstruse. He nodded sagely with an "Of course he's setting up a sprinkler. How silly of me to ask" look on his face.

With the sprinkler attached and positioned I went over to the faucet to turn it on. The boys stared eagerly, wonderful anticipation and raw curiosity on their faces. I turned the faucet with a loud "Tah-dah!"

And water dribbled out of the obviously busted sprinkler.

Bacon(3) had a bemused look on his face as if he were looking for the joke and not willing to admit there wasn't one. Bear gave an encouraging "Wow Daddy!" and then walked back to the picnic table. Burger(2) tackled the dog.

Okay, not exactly an unqualified success. I turned the faucet off and switched over to the other sprinkler. I actually took a minute to monkey with this one to get the gear doohickey lined up with the spray whatsit so the water shooter part pointed the right way. (I'm considering a career in sprinkler maintenance. Please send all offers to my regular address.)

With a much subdued "Tah-dah" I turned on the faucet and lo and behold, water shot from the sprinkler like flecks of food from Michael Moore's mouth um...like a fan of dihydrous oxide under a hundred or so pounds of hydrostatic pressure like, like...uh...like water from a garden hose when you put your thumb over the end to make that hard spray fan of water oh, screw it. Water shot out like water from a sprinkler is supposed to shoot out. Unless you're in Pre-K and lived all your life in apartments you should know what the hell water from a sprinkler looks like.

(And just how good are your metaphors at 7:00 o'clock in the morning in a pre-caffeinated state? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bitches.)

The boys gave a gleeful scream of pure excitement and then looked at me with dumbfounded expressions. "What do you do with it, Daddy" asked Bear, apparently the designated vocal representative for the children during this story.

"You run through it" I replied. "Oh!" he exclaimed and then tentatively did so. He was a natural. Well, as natural as Martin Short playing a palsy victim during an epileptic attack would be. He did make it over the sprinkler though and he did get a bit wet and he did get a big smile on his face. Success!

As the other two followed his example and ran through the sprinkling water I went to coil up the hose and make things a bit neater (don't ever forget how anal retentive I am). As I turned toward the flower bed my left foot came down on something sharp. Something really, really sharp. Sharp enough to draw an involuntary naughty word out of my mouth. I jerked my foot up and stood there doing a crane impression while I looked for the sweetgum ball or bramble or thorn that I had just stepped on.

I found a curved piece of glass about two inches long. With blood on it. My blood. I looked at my foot and found it fairly covered in blood. Lovely Wife noticed my giant bird impersonation at about this time and called out to ask if I needed help. I informed her that the lawn was covered in glass caltrops and that if she ever wanted to see her children walk again she would rescue them from this hellish place post haste. Or maybe I just said that I stepped on a piece of glass. I know that I was thinking the former anyway.

She did rescue the children and repositioned the sprinkler on the other side of the lawn for them while I hobbled over to the table and used a towel to staunch the flow of my lifeblood upon the earth. I knew I shouldn't have given blood last Friday. You're just asking for a vascular crisis when you put yourself a pint low.

Lovely Wife brought out the first aid kit and I bandaged up the foot. I won't gross you out about the wound. Suffice to say that the meat in my foot looks remarkably like top sirloin. Ironically, the shard got me in the exact point for "expression of pleasure" on the old acupuncture of the foot chart. I guess that explains the raging erection I've had for the past two days.

To add insult to injury (literally) the boys ran through the sprinkler for approximately one minute and forty-five seconds. They were finished with it before I could even stop bleeding. If it had been Mario's Sprinkler Party game they'd still be playing it.

Posted by: Jim at 08:31 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The Scene: It's dinner time at the Peacock family table. Since it's my Birthday I've spent the past hour assembling a new bike for Jason. No, I'm not exactly sure how that happened either. Anyway, nobody was hungry and it was a celebration day so we skipped dinner and went right into the cake. This sort of made cake the dinner using my well primed kid-logic.

Jason (3): I want ice cream!

Me: No ice cream until you finish your dinner.

Jessie (wife): It's cake, Jim.

Me: Doesn't matter. Cake is dinner so no desert until he eats his cake. [ed - There was just enough chocolate ice cream for a big ol' bowl for daddy later in the evening. This explains my resistance to sharing.]

Jimmy (2): I wan tizzurt!

Jason: I want desert!

Me: You got a bike. You don't need desert. [ed - There was vanilla ice cream left but that belongs to Momma. Although I was weakening by this point I was wise enough not to consider offering the vanilla.]

Jason: Please can I have...

Me: 'May I'

Jason: Please may I have ice cream?

Jimmy: Pease can have tizzurt?

Jeremy (5): Please Daddy?

Me: Well, okay. [ed - There's really no saying no at that point. The combined cuteness of the three of them cuts through any defense like Han Solo's blaster through a wet jawa.]

[Break - Ice cream has been dished out to all 3 children plus Daddy. Momma abstained. All of the chocolate ice cream is gone. Score, Jason 1 - Daddy - 0.]

Jason: I want chocolate!

Me: You have chocolate.

Jason: I want more chocolate!

Me: You've still got cake on your plate. Eat that.

Jason: No. I want more ice cream.

Me: There isn't any more.

Jason: No more ice cream?

Me: No more chocolate. There's only vanilla left. [ed - Damn these inquisitive children and their many questions! What is this, the Inquisition? I am determined that there will be some sort of ice cream left for my own very greedy purposes whilst relaxing before heading off to slumber.]

Jason: Can I have some zafilla? [ed - Jason used to say 'tamilla' for vanilla. He can say 'vanilla' with no problem now but subs in different letters out of his unshakeable sense of tradition as well as a desire to irritate me. It doesn't work - I pretend to be annoyed but I really think it's cute as hell.]

Me: That's Mommy's. You'll have to ask her.

Jason: Momma, can I have some familla ice cream?

Jessie: You need to ask your Daddy. He'll have to go get it. [ed - I am the official ice cream scooper of the household. Proper scoopage of decently frozen ice cream requires manly upper arm strength or one of those heated scoopers. Only losers use heated scoopers.]

Jason: Daddy, can I have some rabilla ice cream?

Me: No.

Jason: (shocked silence)

Jeremy: Burn!!

[Final score: Jason 1, Daddy 1. I retire with the tie - no need to press my luck on such a festive occasion.

I ended up not having any ice cream that evening. But I could have!! Go me!]

Posted by: Jim at 05:56 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Yup, sometime around the very end of November 1968 or very early December of the same year my Mom got knocked up. Each 2nd of August we celebrate one of the two instances where we're reasonably certain that two of the people I care deeply about both got laid.

Congrats Mom and Dad on this 35.75th anniversary of your "lucky" day!

Update: It's a celebration for Serenity's folks too!

Posted by: Jim at 09:13 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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1 It's either you or a sibling and based on your obscure reference I'm betting you hope to make people think it's you, but in fact it is your sibling. But then again, maybe youÂ’re playing the reverse reverse. So... let me be the first to say, Happy Birthday, Jim!

Posted by: Clancy at August 02, 2004 10:03 AM (EGVPL)

2 I can say that you're definitely not infactually discorrect! I think... Anyway, thanks Clancy!

Posted by: Jim at August 02, 2004 10:06 AM (IOwam)

3 Well happy birthday then Jim! Hope you are having a great time! Until 120 years all in great health of body, mind, heart and soul. (and congrats to your mom and dad for surviving your unique sense of humor.)

Posted by: Rachel Ann at August 02, 2004 11:22 AM (VX0Dx)

4 ewww wrinkled old ball sex...

Posted by: pylorns at August 02, 2004 12:18 PM (FTYER)

5 hat tip to happy gilmore.. refering to old people having sex.

Posted by: pylorns at August 02, 2004 12:20 PM (FTYER)

6 Happy Birthday!

Posted by: Linda at August 02, 2004 01:12 PM (9Pzdi)

7 Let me pile on and send to you my very best birthday wishes! And thanks to everyone who figured out his little code, which was beyond me when I first looked at it!

Posted by: RP at August 02, 2004 01:22 PM (LlPKh)

8 Happy Birthday - Blogdaddy.

Posted by: Tiffani at August 02, 2004 03:19 PM (xpNFK)

9 I just worked out what you're talking about. May I be one of the latest to say EUGH!!! Oh and happy birthday! Crack a cold one for me...

Posted by: Robert at August 02, 2004 06:20 PM (BWDMP)

10 Congratulations to your parental units (and thanks for the lovely imagery) and Happy Birthday, Big Daddy! I think. Gad, I feel stoopid. Eh. Isn't the first time, won't be the last. Love, Em

Posted by: Emma at August 02, 2004 08:06 PM (NOZuy)

11 Happy birthday Jim, and thanks for that wonderful earwig of a euphamism. :-D

Posted by: tommy at August 02, 2004 08:08 PM (pMauK)

12 that should have been euphemism, oh lord of grammar.

Posted by: tommy at August 02, 2004 08:09 PM (pMauK)

13 I thought I'd posted a happy birthday comment, but must've been all those drugs I did in the 60's. Sorry HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Posted by: Helen at August 03, 2004 03:41 AM (pS7+B)

14 Why would you associated your birthday, a happy and joyous day, with the thought that your parents were doing the wild thing? Why, damnit, why? Congrats anyway. To think your Mum thought you'd be lucky to make it to 10.

Posted by: Simon at August 03, 2004 05:08 AM (OyeEA)

15 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: mitzi at August 03, 2004 07:12 AM (CrL2L)

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Let me preface this by saying that I love werewolf movies. Dopple-G hates them - they absolutely terrify him, and not in a good way. I freaking love them. I love werewolf mythology too. Canines are my favorite pet and wolves are by far my favorite wild animal. It's important that you know this background as it could color my review.

Let me also say that my very own chocolate lab just tried to kill me. I was walking to the computer to type this, beer in my hand. The evil creature intercepted me in the dining room, cutting directly across my path. I skillfully adjusted my beer to prevent foulage and stepped off to my right foot. Just past the point of no return the crafty beast turned in between my legs and to the right, neatly turning my ankle and sending me to the floor. I'm happy to report that I managed to throw my left knee out far enough that I could piston my beer hand and prevent bottle corruption and massive beer loss. Not that it matters a lot seeing as that particular carpet is getting cleaned tomorrow but it's the effort that counts.

And yes, my ankle hurts like a mother. It's important that you know this as it could color my review.

Dog Soldiers was a good movie. I mean good overall, not just as a horror movie. The acting was actually really good all around with the exception of that loser who played Captain Ryan the Special Forces jackass.

As far as horror movies go it was pretty standard. I didn't actually get scared at all during the movie but that's pretty much the way of things since Alfred Hitchcock died.

It did well for the spook-at-shadows afterward score. I thought it was going to be a non-register there as I'll normally get a crawly feeling while taking a piss with my back to the closed shower and I didn't get that at all from this movie. However, I just walked the dogs and when we got to the dark part of the street (my house is the ONLY house on my street with a street light) and Kota turned towards the woods and stopped dead and growled deep in her throat I nearly shit myself. Wait a second...lemme check here...yeah, that spooked the shit right out of me.

I recommend this movie for anybody who likes a "last man standing" pick-em-off-style movie, werewolves, general monster, armed conflict, small engagement army or general spooky popcorn movie.

My only major beef (excuse the pun - you'll see what I mean in a second) was a scene in the beginning of the film when the platoon of soldiers is at their campsite and a dead cow gets thrown on their campfire. They seem reassured and business as usual when they discover that the cow died of a natural attack (teeth and claws). Cows that die of natural causes do not generally launch themselves into your campfire. The entire troop should have freaked at this point because unless they missed a cherry picker or catapult in close proximity to the camp there's no realistic human way to hurl a cow into a campfire.

Except for that and the loser actor playing Cpt.Ryan a standard suspension of disbelief should pull you through this one.

Addendum. Sgt.Wells had all of the best lines in this movie and there were a bunch. Top three (all by Wells) were:

I am not breaking radio silence just cos' you lot got spooked by a dead flying fucking cow. (Part of the stupid cow scene described above.)

If we do happen to make contact, I expect nothing less than gratuitous violence from the lot of ya. (Gratuitous violence quotes are my favorite.)

We are now up against live, hostile targets. So, if Little Red Riding Hood should show up with a bazooka and a bad attitude, I expect you to chin the bitch. (I've always despised Little Red.)

Posted by: Jim at 01:47 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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My apologies but this is only a 3 beer review. Hens' Night was late starting and the kids kept interrupting so I didn't get into a decent swilling tempo until the last half hour or so.

Hellboy is decent. It could have been much better. It could also have been much worse. Characterizations were pretty poor and they assumed the viewer knew a lot of backstory that wasn't presented. Unfortunately I don't know that backstory so the movie suffered.

That chick that made out with Buffy in that movie a few years ago about rich mean college students was looking pretty good. She kept speaking though and that's really not her forte. They teased hard on the nudity at the end but failed to deliver and that pissed me off a bit (yeah, like she'd really be wearing a tube top in winter in Moscow).

Overall I'd give it a go as a rental. It's a one-timer though, I wouldn't bother watching it again.

Posted by: Jim at 11:19 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Coming soon to a blog near you: Drunken Movie Critique

Tonight's selections include Hell Boy and Dog Soldiers. That's right Susie, I'm finally watching Dog Soldiers. Woof woof!

Posted by: Jim at 08:21 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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A full bladder and the sound of running water.

Seriously though, an email saying just how great the last release of our software was and how a record low number of bugs have been reported in the field despite the fact that this release involved a monstrous rewrite of three critical program modules and how the 140 systems already purchased and installed make this the most successful incremental release in the history of the product.

That pisses me off. That makes me want to go up to the Pres and walk him through the base logic involved here and ask him just what the hell he was smoking when he decided to eliminate the Quality Assurance position for our product.

I can't do that though. His goons would pound me.

(Okay, he doesn't really have any goons. That I know of. I still can't do it though because I would not be able to hold my temper in and I've still got a paycheck here for the indeterminate future. Also, our Product Architect has already done that with the result that QA is being eliminated. If I tried it he'd probably figure it a good idea to whack all of Development.)

Posted by: Jim at 02:54 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Okay, it wasn't actually NPR that pissed me off. More precisely, this particular thing I'm about to relate to you wasn't NPR's fault, I just heard about it while listening to NPR. To set the matter perfectly straight, NPR generally pisses me off at a low grade level. I had a spike of pissedoffedness this morning whilst driving to work with NPR on and yes it was on NPR but it wasn't a part of NPR's programming. Okay, it was sort of part of their programming in the sense that anything you hear broadcast by NPR is part of their programming. This was an announcement, not a newsie bit. So there it is - an announcement (actually two) that I heard on NPR really pissed me off today. What were they? Well let me tell you.

Before and after program segments (that's actual "shows" I mean; as noted above anything they broadcast is technically part of their programming) this advertisement free station has advertising. They read off the name of the segment's sponsor or a general sponsor and give a quick blurb. As advertising goes it's pretty low key stuff but it pisses me off that they claim to be advertisement free while doing ads every 10 minutes just like everybody else.

Anyway, two sponsors that were plugged are what has me really pissed off. The first was the Department of Housing and Urban Development. HUD sponsors National Public Radio. What the fuck does NPR have to do with Housing and Urban Development? HUD is completely funded by our taxes and their only responsibility is to put roofs over people's heads. What the fuck is HUD doing giving money to private interests? That was MY MONEY! If I want to contribute to NPR then that's my business. It is not the business of a dedicated government department to take my money and give it to NPR.

The second was the Gwinnett County School System. WHAT?!? The Gwinnett County school system submits a budget to the county. The county looks it over, axes some books and classes and teachers and then hands a pile of money (including mine) to the school system. The school system then gives away a chunk of it to National Public Radio.

That goes beyond pissing me off. The County and the School System never EVER stop crying about budget constraints and lack of funding and they are giving money away to a radio station. School programs get cut, teachers have to buy their own damned markers and kids spend their days in butler buildings instead of actual classrooms and they are giving the fucking money away!

Where's my damned copy of Robert's Rules? I need to brush up for the next school board meeting. Any locals might want to keep an eye on the Gwinnett blotter 'cause this is going to get ugly.

Posted by: Jim at 07:51 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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From Helen comes a delightfully British item about the Doody family. Seems they've just been named The Faggot Family of Britain.

A West Midlands family is playing a central role in the quest to raise the profile of ... faggots.

The Doody family from Wolverhampton has been crowned The Faggot Family in a national competition, and to kick off their reign they will launch National Faggot Week.

"...all too often the faggot is left off [the national] list," said Janet Doody.

Her husband Fred added: "It's unfair because faggots were British ... long before any of the others.

"The great British faggot is full of flavour and a great belly warmer at this time of year."

Some little known facts:

1. Faggots were called "savoury ducks" in the Middle Ages


2. Faggots were named after the Latin word for bundle


3. Fans have published the Good Faggot Guide

Posted by: Jim at 01:04 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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