May 13, 2004

Things I learned in school

For all y'all that missed it, I was participating in corporate scholastics this Monday and Tuesday. Specifically, I was getting training on distribution replenishment from a lady who knows more about it than everybody else. This might not sound all that exciting until you remember that replenishment efficiency equals profit and profit equals money. Money is always interesting.

  1. There are lots of little things wrong with our product that we don't see because we aren't using it and people aren't telling us, probably because they're the little niggling things that aren't really "wrong", they're just irritating or not as good as they could be. We need a way to discover these things. They are generally very easy to change and can make a great difference in the usage experience of our customers. User Interface really is important, y'all.

  2. Our demo data is pooched. It's usable, technically, sort of. You just can't actually simulate the workings of an actual business with it. We need somebody to fix this. Somebody who isn't me of course.

  3. If you go to a class at a corporation and you don't really know the subject that is being discussed, don't wear bright orange nail polish. In fact, just as a general theory for life, don't wear bright orange nail polish. Thanks.

  4. Supplier efficiency is what kills distributors. WalMart really does kick ass. They are bigger because they really are better.

  5. Scan the bathroom before the students/customers have the opportunity to go potty. If one of the Morning Crew has left reading material on the back of the shitter, go ahead and toss it in the garbage. Reading material in the john says things about your company that you really want to have kept in the family.

  6. Especially when that reading material is a paperback copy of The Exorcist.

  7. eBay really is the new sales paradigm. Of the three distributors in my class, two were using eBay heavily to reduce overstock as well as clear inventory and make it economically feasible to order special items that come in standard packs. eBay is letting them give better supply service and helping them to run a leaner ship. eBay rocks like WalMart.

  8. In a customer-centric situation like this training class all company titles are swapped for "Salesperson" as you pass through the door. I think I sold three upgrades just by talking about the items in the latest product version. Do I get commission on that?
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May 07, 2004

Feminists supporting abusers?

UPDATED 08 May 2003 (At bottom of post)

This was a difficult post to write. You see, there are two things in this world that are absolutely guaranteed to set my deeply repressed reptilian brain into instant violent response mode. One is child abuse. The other is wife abuse ("Wife" is colloquial and includes significant other/girlfriend/fiancee/fuck-buddy/whatever). I don't speak well on either subject because I find it very difficult to get past my emotional response to them. That general response to abusers could most concisely be represented as "Fuck the guy up".

So when Jeff at Protein Wisdom posted about an article by Cathy Young in Reason you can get an idea of my default mindset as I approached it. Jeff just cut and pasted the bulk of the article and added a snark at the end so we'll ignore him and concentrate on this whack Cathy Young.

Cathy has a problem with the response scheme in place for wife beaters. You see, there are many jurisdictions that will prosecute a wife beater even when the abused party doesn't want to.

numerous jurisdictions and states passed laws that mandated arrests for domestic assault ... and encouraged prosecutions even when the alleged victim was unwilling to press charges.
more...

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May 04, 2004

Million dollar idea

Weight costs money, right? So does size. To transport, I mean. Smaller, lighter packages are much cheaper to move around. They're also better for retailers - more stock can fit in the same space.

Diaper wipes are basically just wet fabric toilet paper. Why not ship them dry and have the user add a 1/4 cup of water when they open the pack?

The size savings would be immense (y'all have seen the sponge the size of a business card that expands to a 4" x 8" dishcleaner, right?). The weight savings would be phenomenal.

Am I brilliant or what?

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What the hell was I thinking?

Long-time readers might recall my penchant for jotting down topics to write about later. When an idea gets into my head I'll just note a few key elements and those will allow me to recall the thought process and gist of what I was thinking at a later time. It doesn't always work.

While reviewing my notepad here at work I found a few lines in one corner of a back page that are an obvious topic note to myself but I can't recall what the hell I was thinking. (Therefore the title of this post! See how it's all coming together?)

Here is the note, reproduced in all its glory:

"Hit the head"

Ozymandias

smack his head

Long Meeting

have to pee

Why is the first line in quotes? Was I looking for etymology of the phrase? What did the King of Kings have to do with Navy bathrooms? Why is he smacking his head. Or is that a command to smack Ozy in the noggin? The last two lines seem to go well together until I tell you that in Jim shorthand that capitalization is for a reason so "Long Meeting" is a title.

Can anybody put these together into cogent (or amusing) form?

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May 03, 2004

Bad Sayings, Part 6

There is one certainty in motivational sayings: The more pretentious the saying, the more inaccurate it will be. We can call it Peacock's Law. Today's welcoming message to the office is a perfect example.

Behold the turtle! He makes progress only when he sticks out his neck.

Um...no. A turtle will make progress by sticking out his legs. Sticking out his head will give him a wider field of view but has no effect on his ability to progress.

Is this bad saying salvageable? I'm not sure. Let's try some modification:

Behold the turtle! He can make steady progress without exposing himself to undue risk.

Yeah, in today's business climate that one is a winner and it has a more businesslike ring than the flip side:

Behold the turtle! No matter how much he exposes himself he can't come any faster.

That last version could get a lawsuit started.

Posted by: Jim at 07:29 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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May 01, 2004

Attention Target stores marketing department

It's really great that you're trying to make your stores seem like higher class retail establishments. Hey, whatever works is fine with me. If your objective is attracting the folks who get embarrassed at Wall Mart then you go ahead and do that.

My problem is with your television commercials. You got rid of the dog and for that I am thankful. A pit bull with redeye just wasn't the greatest mascot. Spuds Mackenzie should have taught you that. But now you've gone to these freaky thirty second art student pieces that are impossible to "get" without a sufficient amount of narcotic assistance. A commercial should not be reminiscent of a French culture piece minus the crying clown.

Tell me what's on sale and then get the fuck off of my television.

Thanks.

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April 29, 2004

I want my two hundred dollars!

According to my nifty program that tracks how long I've been cigarette free I have been off of the cancer sticks for two months, two days, 1 hour and 35 minutes. That's 1241 cigarettes not smoked, saving $195.38.

What I want to know is, where the hell is my $195.38?

I want my money!

POINTS: Be the first person to name the inspiration for this post title and pick up a quick 3 points. No searches, please.

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April 28, 2004

Who needs an iron?

Not just any iron, either. One of those fancy Oreck cordless irons. Retail is $129.95 but you can get it for one shitload less at Lovely Wife's auction.

We bought the Oreck vacuum a few months ago and Lovely Wife loves it. The bags are a bit expensive but it does everything they say it does. It came with a little canister vac that gets used a lot and this iron that got used exactly once (just to make sure that it worked when we received the shipment). She's already got an iron that she likes so this has just been sitting there lonely and unused.

So adopt an iron today!

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Cats

They're annoying fuzzy beasts. They puke on the carpet right next to the linoleum. They won't come when you want them to and when you want them to leave they won't go away. We have two of them living with us.

Henk is our primary cat. He's named after The Godfather. Yeah, the one who showed me the joys of firing fully automatic weapons. Similar personality. Henk the cat works out his agression by walking over your food and chewing on your hair. Even though his front slashers are gone he is still the boss of you, the other cat and both dogs. In fact, he was raised by dogs and we think this is what warped his personality.

Henk

Apple is our secondary cat. She was a birthday present to Lovely Wife a couple years ago and she was supposed to be a companion for Henk while we went out and about. At first she only liked me but in the past year or so she's come around to Lovely Wife too. She still doesn't like the kids. She is a traditional cat-style cat. As you can see in the picture below, she couldn't possibly care less that I need to use the computer. Would you try to move her? Me either. I have a PDA now.

Apple

Yeah, they're annoying and a pain in the ass sometimes. They're not the most trainable pet, that's for sure. Then again when a cat comes up to you and rubs on you looking for some lovin it's not because you told him to, it's because he wants to. There's something to be said for that.

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Knives? Feh! Knives are nothing

James Lileks asks how to get rid of knives:

A question: how do you get rid of knives? I have three old knives that couldn’t cut through a month old banana, and they’re from a set we no longer use. You can’t throw them out – they poke through the bag and stab the trashman, and I suspect he’s angry at me already. (Every week! I come up with more trash! It never ends!) You can’t drop them in a dumpster.. You can’t drive down by the creek and throw them out the window. Well, you can, and if you roll your window up fast enough you may not hear a jogger shouting SON OF A BITCH! but I don’t advise it.

No, you get knives, youÂ’re stuck.

Knives are easy. You just put them inside old Tupperware. You want to know what is virtually impossible to throw away? A garbage can!

I spent three months trying to throw out a particular garbage can. I ended up cutting it into little pieces with a sawz-all. You just can't discard an essentially intact can. What are you going to do? Put a sign that says "Garbage" on it? Tried that. After you smack yourself in the head you can then try variations like "Please discard", "Take can", "Can is garbage". After a month or so of this stilted speech style note writing you'll tape a veritable letter written in regular English politely requesting that the garbage men please take the can itself. It will be impossible for anybody to misinterpret your intent to discard the can. If they read the note. Which they will not do.

Maybe you could get one of those huge bags they have for Christmas trees. If the can is physically inside a garbage bag that just might do it. Otherwise just chop the bitch up. If it's metal just pound it down into a man-hole cover.

Don't forget to put your old knives in the bottom before you collapse that sucker.

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April 26, 2004

Jim Peacock's Drunken Night at the Movies

This disjointed stream of my consciousness courtesy of Ilyka who's recognition of my brilliance far exceeds my own. Slightly edited for comprehensibility.

Master and Commander was decent. Russel Crowe was wasted [in the role]. Movie sucked compared to Horatio Hornblower movies.

Putting on Matrix III. Out of beer. Moving to wine.

Pray for me.

(almost wrote "prey for me". is that prophetic or what?)

Bad...very oh so bad...failing...wasn't wine...it was...PINK CHAMPAGNE!!!

Neo...want him to die so the movie will end...how much time left? Oh, Lord no!

Where is Trinity in leather?

Vinyl even?

What the fuck? Link is some sort of major character?

Oh the humanity! All the cool characters suck now! ALL OF THEM!

Even Mr.Smith!!

I cry softly into my chapagne...

More later...if possible...

My kingdom for a homicidal albino

[fade to black]

Warning to Roger Ebert: Jimmy's in the house!

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April 23, 2004

Three weeks, one signature.

On April 2 I put up a Petition Online petition for moderate Muslims to show that they are against terrorism. Three full weeks later there is a single signature.

A lot of people would see this as discouraging. One person in twenty-one days is not a fantastic average after all. A lot of people would question just why it is that there aren't more signatures on something so intrinsically correct. I mean there are tens of thousands of signatures on petitions to "save Michael Jackson". There are way more Muslims than MJ fans in the US and terrorism is a far more important topic than whether Mike dribbled Jesus Juice on his youthful guests.

I'm not discouraged. Even though it's only one signature, it IS a signature. A person who has enough faith in his humanity to speak it regardless of what his religious guides seem to be saying.

I want to personally thank Khalifa Al-Boinin for signing the petition against terrorism. I hope you will soon be joined by others that share your faith and convictions. If not, I'm still very happy that you made the choice to make your feelings known. (And if you are a female, my apologies for the gender errors. No insult intended, I'm just unfamiliar with Arabic naming conventions.)

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Tax Cuts - A Simple Lesson In Economics

This is how the cookie crumbles. Please read it carefully. Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day, ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh $7.
The eighth $12.
The ninth $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20." So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six, the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'? more...

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April 22, 2004

Random acts of urination

Just north of Taccoa is the little town of Lavonia. This is one of those little places where the town square is occupied by the Mason's building and the gun store. Where the supermarket is called "Lavonia Food". Where the roadside food includes "Latino's" (it was their grand opening) and a nameless shack proudly featuring "Meat Stew and Sandwiches!" (If you have to ask what kind of meat, you can't afford to eat it.) Just outside of Lavonia is Lake Hartwell. Unlike many bodies of water in Georgia that are somewhat less than advertised (see "Yellow River", which I have personally stepped - not hopped - over), Lake Hartwell is of a significant size to actually be called a Lake even by a hard to please ex-Great Lakes Yankee like myself. Lake Hartwell is the focus of our story.

I took the boys up to Lake Hartwell for the weekend. "All three?!" you exclaim in sympathetic fright. Yes, all three. "When you say 'I took' do you mean that Lovely Wife did not accompany you?!" you further interrogate me. That is precisely what I meant. No Lovely Wife in attendance. And please calm down, you're getting me terribly excited with all of those exclamations. more...

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Heartbreaking etymology

Warning: This post is
Post contains the word 'FUCK' over and over again, though not in a mean way.



I was having a conversation with Ilyka about cats and, as you'd probably expect, the term "flying fuck" made its way into the conversation. I believe that in context it was something like "I don't actually give a flying fuck" and that it wasn't at a point in the conversation that actually related to my cat problem or even cats in general but it certainly could have been worked into that angle if I'd given it a moment or two of thought.

But now I'm thinking about the phrase itself. "I don't give a flying fuck." That's pretty freaking vulgar, right? I mean, it's got the most commonplace and pedantic cuss word in the world in there, plus flying. Okay, so it's not as vulgar as it appears at first. Still, it's a pretty potent exclamation of disdain. The Allwords dictionary defines the idiom as Not to care about something; not to give a damn about something.

But why? I mean...it depends upon a "flying fuck" being something so worthless and inconsequential that the target of the phrase is practically nonexistent by comparison. It's along the same lines as "I wouldn't give a plugged nickel", if you see what I mean. So a flying fuck has to be roughly equivalent to a plugged nickel in value (that is, completely worthless, bordering on being a burden) to pull off this phrase.

So what exactly is a flying fuck? After a bit of research I've discovered that it is sex on horseback. Sex on horseback, y'all! The etymology of the phrase indicates that it originates with this (not work safe) broadside ballad entitled "New Feats of Horsemanship".

Okay, y'all need to help me out now. I don't get it. That looks pretty freaking cool to me! Any dissenters? Any chicks out there who think that riding the stallion while riding a stallion is of completely negligible value? Any guys out there who think riding in the saddle while riding on the saddle is a totally worthless experience? Hell no! I'm putting this shit on my list of things to do before I croak.

So this phrase is now ruined for me forevermore because I can never leave well enough alone. For me English is a scab that must be constantly picked.

(But at least I've got that broadside ballad now. Anybody know the tune to go along with it?)

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I'm still here, y'all

I'm just busier than a co-op cashier on food stamp day. I've got two actual story-type posts brewing but will get a maximum of one out today. Let me know if you'd rather hear about my camping expedition with all three boys (and no Lovely Wife) over the weekend or yesterday's adventures in jury duty.

While y'all are waiting for actual content here, head on over to Spirit of America and toss em a buck or two. Every little bit helps our Marines overseas to make a difference through projects that THEY personally started.

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April 20, 2004

Dead cat walking

There are two gray doves that spend their springs and summers at our place. They are calm and peaceful, hardly even walking away when you approach them. They don't even fly off when you're mowing the lawn, they just hop out of your path. We hadn't seen them this year at all until yesterday when Lovely Wife found one. It had been attacked by a cat. Its right wing was snapped at the pinion and it had wounds to its neck and belly. We wrapped it up to immobilize the broken wing and we put it in protective custody overnight.

D.O.V.E. all purpose munition in 3.5 inch discarding sabot.
(Click for supah size)

Lovely Wife called all over creation to find a place that would help it instead of euthanizing it. She brought it to the doc this morning. It's bad enough that these feral cats abuse my car. It's bad enough that they are a menace to my dogs. Now they are (literally) killing off the ambiance of our woodland home. No more mister nice guy. Lovely Wife checked and it's legal to trap and/or destroy feral cats here.

It's time to get biblical on those cats. I'm talking Old Testament.

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Bad Sayings, Part 5

This one transcends stupid, blows right past inane and lodges firmly inside rectal oddity. (That means it's a piece of crap.)

Life is like riding a bicycle. You only fall off if you stop peddling.

Where to begin? First, everybody knows by now that any simile of life will be compared to "life is like a box of chocolates" and if it can't stand up against that Gumpism then it should not be used.

Second, there are shitloads of ways to fall off of a bike even if you keep pedaling. You could get pushed. You might hit a stop sign or a utility pole. You might get creamed by a semi. You might just run into a bit of tightly strung piano wire across your path. Hey, it happens. Thusly the simile fails right at that point but we'll not stop there as it also fails on the other side of the equation.

Thirdly, any moron can stop peddling without falling off of their bike. It's called putting your foot down. It's the normal and accepted manner of stopping a bike. It's instinctive. Or how about coasting? If you are at speed, going downhill or maybe trying to not go faster (anybody ever hear of braking?) you most definitely are not pedaling and yet, surprise of surprises, you are generally not falling off of the bike.

Fourthly, what the fuck is falling off of your life? Yeah, simile isn't supposed to be a literal transitive but I can't even figure out a metaphorical one for this winner.

We've got guests in this week. I am so freaking embarrassed for my company.

Posted by: Jim at 10:14 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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April 13, 2004

Welcome to the Church of Snooze

Thanks to Paul at Sanity's Edge I am now a legally ordained minister! That's correct, I may now be adressed as the Right Reverend Jim Peacock. Or maybe the Center-with-a-little-right-tilt Reverend would be more accurate.

I can now legally perform weddings, baptisms, blessings, sacrifices, excommunications, you name it! In fact, I can do almost anything except circumcision. That's okay though as I'm morally opposed to the ritual mutilation of children anyway.

Pixy has gone ahead and taken the plunge too. A brace of ministers make Munuviana one of the holiest blog communities out there. Can I call for a blogcrusade yet?

Posted by: Jim at 04:53 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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April 10, 2004

What the hell is wrong with me?

I've been angry lately. Moody. Pissed at stupid little things. My temper seems to grow a hairsbreadth shorter each day and I don't see when i'm losing it until it's lost. The other day after dinner I took the boys upstairs to clean the playroom. They did their usual "Don't wanna" routine and instead of teasing and joking and making it a fun thing like I normally do I yelled at them to clean up. I was like a boot camp drill instructor.

This morning I was writing a note to somebody. Can't tell you much about it yet except that he's one hell of a guy and the note I was writing got way more patriotic and emotional than I first intended. I just started crying. Like a baby. Tears are still coursing down my face right now and I can't stop them.

I'm pretty sure that I know what is screwing with my head so much lately. I am so fucking furious that I'm losing my grip. Every day I read about another atrocity committed by my own countrymen simply to promote their twisted agenda. In the past week I've seen a woman openly speculate that one of the men murdered, burned and paraded around Falluja might have been a nazi. Not that she had any proof or anything but simply because it suited her agenda to vilify a murdered American. I saw the woman who pointed out that perfidity attacked simply for saying "Hey, it's wrong to do that". I read a story of a small group of American soldiers who barely escaped a compound with their lives. They made a courageous 20 hour stand against completely overwhelming forces while protecting assets and non-combatants. A true act of unmitigated courage and dedication. But I cannot find this story on any news site. I can't find any story like it on any news site. I read about a student in Savannah who was suspended from school. A gang of kids invaded his school and attacked him in the cafeteria and he committed the crime of defending himself. Zero Tolerance to violence means you are not allowed to be a victim either.

And it's not just those stories. Those are just the snowflakes on the tip of the iceberg. It's all around. Every day. It doesn't stop. Ever.

I just want to stand up in the middle of a crowd and scream out "Can't you morons get a fucking clue? Can't you just use some common sense? Can't you stifle your fucking private agenda long enough to remember what being a human fucking being was like?"

And I think "Oh, God dammit, how am I going to protect my kids from these people?"

And I start crying again.

Posted by: Jim at 08:02 AM | Comments (14) | Add Comment
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