March 14, 2004

At the movies

As mentioned previously tonight was Guy's Movie Night. The festivities began with Die Unendliche Geschichte, more commonly known as "The Neverending Story" (and just what the hell is up with IMDB putting up a title like that as the primary one? Sheesh!). The boys loved it (the two older ones that is, the little guy didn't make it to movie time) and I appear to have been spared from anybody screaming over scary wolf nightmares (knock on wood). Helen gets the points for this one. She didn't just recommend it, she bought it for us. Helen, you're awesome beyond words' poor description.

Once the lads were abed the grownup fare came out. I watched Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. I'd been putting this one off for a long, long time. You see, Terminator is one of my all time favorite absolutely most loved and cherished movies in the universe. Terminator 2 is quite likely the first sequel I've ever seen that didn't totally piss me the fuck off. On the contrary, it rocked as much as the first one (although in a different way). So I've been terrified of watching #3. I mean, Cameron wasn't even involved in this one! What if it totally sucked? Or didn't totally suck but went all eXtreme and shit and pissed me off in those more subtle suckass ways? Well, it didn't. It wasn't the movie that 1 or 2 were but it wasn't that far behind and it most definitely didn't tarnish its predecessors. Once I started to relax (when I acknowledged that it wasn't sucking ass) I really started to enjoy it. Very excellent ending, too! So long as they keep Jerry Bruckheimer very very far away from it, I'll watch #4 too (you just know that there's going to be a #4 after an ending like that). Points for this recommendation go to Christine.

Honorable mention go to Underworld and Intolerable Cruelty (Susie and MojoMark, respectively). Those were my next choices and will probably fill my slate on the next Guy's Movie Night.

Posted by: Jim at 01:40 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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March 11, 2004

So what should I see?

Lovely Wife will be going on hens' night this Saturday, leaving me all alone and at the mercy of the three spawn boys. This is cool for a couple of reasons.

First, she gets out and away from the kids to bleed off some of that accumulated kid rearin' pressure. Sure our kids are an unbearable trial great but she's got at least one of them 24 x 7 except for the rare occasions when she runs out to the store when I'm home. This lets her relax so the chance that she'll snap and just de-skin one of the buggers is dramatically reduced.

Second, she comes back with cool stories. Like the older lady that was trying to pick up The Godfather (part 1) when he was visiting from The Netherlands. Or the time she got touched by Bill Gentry (while she was wearing her galpal's shirt so she can't possibly give that shirt back now). Or even the infamous Purple Velvet Cowboy. Yes, an actual human type person went to a night club in a metropolitan area dressed in a purple velvet cowboy outfit. You just can't get stuff like this from a night at home.

Third, and most importantly, I get to watch movies. Don't get me wrong, we do watch movies together as well. It's just that those movies are ones that only she likes we both like. Ones from the Lifetime Network or Oxygen or The Oprah Channel or like The Usual Suspects or From Dusk Til Dawn. Pretty much anything that makes a temporary vagina grow on male viewers or ones that are mob, true crime or vampire related but not a lot else. Specifically, no sci-fi or fantasy or general horror.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to suggest movies for me to watch this Saturday evening. They should be very good ones that are available now on DVD and for the love of GOD, no chick flicks. They don't have to be recent ones - I sure haven't seen everything.

POINTS: Why the heck not? Five points if I end up watching the movie you suggest. Points awarded to the first suggester only.

Posted by: Jim at 01:46 PM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
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Runners take your mark...

We're getting close. The 2004 Peacock Invitational starts this Sunday night (at midnight). We've got 5 people who are willing to pony up $100 if they smoke at any time for the year of the bet. Care to join us?

I started a bit early, having had my last smoke on Feb 27. That puts my quittin' stats at: One week, five days, 22 hours and 5 minutes. 258 cigarettes not smoked, saving $40.70. Life saved: 21 hours, 30 minutes. (Stats courtesy of this nifty little proggie I heard about from Tiger.)

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March 10, 2004

Those Crazy Japanese

Most arcade game manufacturers go for racing, fighting or some sort of shooting galery concept. As far as I know the repeatedly ram a giant plastic finger into a virtual rectum milieu is virgin territory. Or it was until recently anyway.

The Boon-Ga Boon-Ga game allows the intrepid player to sodomize one of eight characters including ex-girlfriend, mother-in-law, prostitute and child molester. As you spank and invade the nether regions of your selected victim they scream in agony on the game screen. At the end of your session you get a card that gives you your sexual proficiency rating.

Although the game might seem a bit gratuitously violent (and otherwise disturbing) at least it is promoted by big soft cuddly characters. One is a giant version of the probing fist of doom and the other is a six foot tall shit monster.

I don't have anything else for this one. It's well beyond any satirical skills I may have previously possessed. I'm pretty much just stunned and running on at this point. Let me leave you with a portion of the game review from SeanBaby:

This game does more than threaten the future with an army of highly trained madmen proctologists, it shames America's industrial complex. First we lose the space race to the Commies, and now Japan and Korea have beaten us in the great Virtual Digital Rectal Stimulation Simulation race. And if you're anything like me, you've already asked yourself about the dangers of this ass technology being in the hands of two foreign powers known for giant radioactive monsters and nuclear weapons, respectively. And again, if you're like me, this train of thought quickly hits a wall when you realize that you're not an accredited expert on foreign colon-probing policies. So until one of us is, let's just assume that we're all going to die, but not quite as quickly if we stay far away from Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.

Amen, brother.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G, may he burn eternally for exposing me to this)

Posted by: Jim at 03:57 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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How lazy do you have to be?

A powered dish scrubber? I couldn't believe my eyes when i saw a commercial for this one. It's a powered screwdriver with a scrubber at the end! The commercial showed the happy housewife getting a bunch of fresh food residue off of otherwise squeeky clean plates, just like any other dishwashing commercial. The difference was she did it with this extrememly slowly rotating two and a half pound appliance.

There is no poor-man's dremel that is going to make dishwashing fun and easy and this seven dollar toy isn't going to do anything that some hot water and a sponge can't do faster and better.

It's a shame that Wal-Mart is going to sell a bajillion of these things and encourage some other dumbass to give birth to the next useless helper appliance.

Posted by: Jim at 12:50 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Cat scratch fever

I've got this love/hate thing with cats. Some are ultra cool. The cats living in my house are this type. Henk is a sexy black beast who thinks he's a dog. He comes when you call, wants to play and be petted constantly and gets along well with the canines in the house. Apple is a fat lazy thing and the only doglike quality she has is that she's a bitch. In other words, she's more of your typical cat. She's still cool though since she likes me and comes out specifically for a Jim petting when the mood strikes her.

I've lived with cats that I thoroughly hated as well. When I was in high school my sister had an evil black monster named Misty (which was also the name of one of my cousins and boy did I get a couple laughs out of that). She hated men. No matter how nice my dad and I tried to be with that cat it would hiss and run away and get its fur in a bunch just like those Halloween stereotype cats. I still kept making the overtures until one day when I got home from school and noticed a nasty smell in my bedroom. Specifically from my dresser. Because that spawn from hell had pissed on my clothes. It was open warfare after that and I took extreme glee in waging a guerilla campaign against that beast that made the last years of its life a frightening glimpse into the hell in which it would spend eternity.

So what has got me thinking about evil cats all of a sudden? The feral beasties that live around my house. I am sick of finding dead bird pieces in my yard. I'm sick of cat prints on my car. I am sick of cats shitting where my kids play. I have had enough of these half wild, half starved, vile, disease carrying felines. I am declaring war.
I am buying a pellet gun and any time I see any of the 8 or 9 miscreants anywhere near my property I am going to shoot the fucker. I'm going to shoot it as many times as I can before it gets out of my range. I'm going to teach Lovely Wife how to fire the gun so she can defend the castle when I'm at work.

And if that doesn't do the trick I'm going to escalate the conflict and get a paint ball gun. I'll put out cat traps. I'll go Carl Freakin' Spackler on their asses!

This is your notice, cats. I'm coming for you and there's not a damn thing your friends at PETA or in France can do about it.

POINTS: 2 points for the first person to source Carl Spackler. No searches, y'all.

Posted by: Jim at 12:22 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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March 08, 2004

No way I can resist this one.

Caption contest!

Caption me!

(Stolen from Speedscape)

RESULTS:

This was a riot. 17 contestants and a load of decent belly laughs among the submissions. Thanks for participating and congrats to the winners!

1st place (10 points)
Senator Kerry is told Howard Dean is re-entering the race. - Simon

2nd place (5 points)
GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO, GOTTA GO RIGHT NOW! - Tiffani

3rd place (2 points)
The power of GEE-ZUS commands you! - Susie

Honorable Mention (no points but a cheery hi-oh and a good day chap!)
The circle of life ended when Kerry dropped the baby lion. - tommy

Allegations of John Kerry's french-ness were proven today with this shot of the girlie-man attempting to catch an American football. - Clancy

POINTS: Hell, yeah. One point goes into the pool for each person who submits a caption and they'll be distributed 60/30/10 to the top 3 captioners. (So if 10 people submitted, the #1 caption would get 6 points, the #2 would get 3 and the #3 would get 1.)

Enter as many captions as you'd like.

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March 05, 2004

My (mostly) empty box

I read The Littlest Angel Box early this morning. It's about the box of things that Helen sent ahead of her move so they'll be waiting for her when she gets there. Things too important and special to travel with furniture or clothing or common goods. The little mementos and important minutiae of life that you just can't lose. I read that and thought "Neat, I'll leave a comment with the stuff I'd put in that box". And I have been trying to "fill" my box all damned day but it's still almost entirely empty. And that really confuses me. I've got nothing so important to me that I would go to extra steps to guarantee its safety.

There is one exception, the sole item I've "got in my box" right now. That's Bruff. He's a bear. He's in his own box right now, safe and secure and ready to go anywhere at a moment's notice. He hasn't been out of his box in daylight since we had kids. He's way too cute and way too delicate to take any chance that they'll want to touch him.

I remember when I first got Bruff. I wasn't a stuffed animal sort of kid. I had a couple but never played with them (except when using them as targets). One Christmas I was about half way through the presents (we started with the little stuff and worked our way to the big presents) and I opened Bruff. He was a golden brown bear with a very handsome face, a green shirt and a nametag that said (you can guess this, can't you?) "Bruff". I was intrigued. Why would a bear be named Bruff? I didn't know any Bruffs. There weren't any Bruff Bears in any of the cartoons or shows or corporate tie-ins. Bears didn't have name tags. Did they?

Bruff did. He wasn't afraid to buck the system. He had a name and he wanted the world to know it. So what if bears didn't wear nametags? He didn't care. He was Bruff and he did what he wanted to. It was love at first sight (well, after I figured out that little bit I just explained).

Bruff has been though a lot. He lost an arm once. Surgeon Mom fixed that but the skin graft is very noticeable. He lost an eye once and Optrician Mom removed his other natural eye and gave him two brand new very cool button eyes (from the big can of Grandma's buttons). His fur is a bit less than spectacular. That's probably because he spent a lot of time wrestling and playing Karate Joe (that's what you play when you want to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but all you've got is that foot tall GI Joe. And a bear named Bruff). He also caught a good bit of vomit and other nastiness over the years, seeing as he always insisted on staying with me when I was sick.

And his reward for those years of selfless companionship? What does he get now in exchange for the countless hours spent as my foil, boon companion, mascot and assistant? He gets stuck in a box.

That's not quite all he gets, though. He also gets the knowledge that no matter where I go or why I go there, that box will be coming with me.

Posted by: Jim at 04:41 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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March 04, 2004

I'll take a cowburger and some sheep stew please.

Why is it that we have to rename land-bound animals when we eat them? You don't eat a cow, you eat beef. You don't eat a pig, you have pork. Sheep become mutton when we eat 'em. Tortured baby cow? Not when it's on the plate - then it's veal.

This doesn't happen for birds. Chicken are chicken no matter if they are on the plate or in the coop. Same with turkeys, duck, geese, and the rest of them. Fish too - perch stay perch and a humuhumunukunukuapua`a stays a humuhumunukunukuapua`a. We don't suddenly call shark flesh by some new moniker just before we eat it.

Now that I think about it though, it's not every land animal. Bedouins eat camel, Argentinians enjoy llama and the tribes of the steppes never ever let horse go to waste. It's only the traditional western feedstocks that get renamed when they become food. Why is that?

Posted by: Jim at 09:01 AM | Comments (10) | Add Comment
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Bad Sayings, Part 3

It's been a while but the board monkeys have once again put up a winning loser on the message center as you come into the office. This gem now greets everybody who comes into the building:

Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.

Okay, let's look at this from the position of a customer. Do I want to have a business relationship with a company with a philosophy of "take risks"? Hell no. I want a company with a saying like "Grab the low hanging fruit first". That shows efficiency and a direction towards taking in profits. It's saying "collect that easy money before you waste effort on stuff you don't have the reach for yet". It's also saying "take care of the customers you have now".

And what does this bad saying tell us employees? It's telling us to take chances, take risks, drive for the objective regardless of the consequences. "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" If it were my company I'd prefer a message like "If you can't reach the fruit, get yourself a ladder". Or maybe "What the hell are you doing picking fruit by hand? Get your ass into that harvester!"

I don't mind pithy sayings, I just can't stand idiotic ones.

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March 03, 2004

Things we need

A Stink-O-Meter(tm) would be nice.

The basic model would just be installed on the bathroom door and indicate the relative stench in the bathroom by flashing a color code similar to the terrorism alert color chart thingy the government uses. Nah, better keep it simpler than that. Green is safe, yellow is use at your own risk and red is extreme danger - avoid at all costs, voluntary entry voids life insurance.

The advanced model would prevent the door opening from the outside during red states to prevent accidental entry and to protect the visually impaired.

A deluxe model would tie into your wireless network so you could evaluate stank levels from your desk and arrange alternate waste disposal methods if necessary.

Yes, there is a specific event that brought this thought process to fruition today. No, I am not ready to talk about it.

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Beware the Ides of March

The Grande 2004 Peacock Invitational (update)

Want to know what it is? The original post is o'er yonder. In a nutshell, March 14 is the last day any of the participants will take a puff for an entire year or they'll pay blood money to the others.

Folks can still get in on the bet until midnight (your local time) on the 14th. So far we've got 5 people in:

Me
Tiffany
Joey
Jeremy
Tiger

I've also put up a sidebar item for the bet. This will remain up for the entire year that the bet is in effect. I've also handed out the points these folks earned by signing up. I've been a busy boy!

Posted by: Jim at 09:26 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Fortunately I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency

I got my feathers ruffled a bit yesterday. Wellbutrin can only go so far and some things that normally wouldn't bother me much now bother me out of all proportion.

The first was Dopple-G doing something that's normally just annoying. I yelled at him. At work. In the bathroom. Not exactly professional.

The second was in the van on the way home from voting. Bear was doing a repetitive mantra "Will you give me your autograph?" over and over and over and over and over. No, he wasn't looking for an answer and no he wasn't actually addressing anybody. Kids will just do this with new phrases. Normally it just gets ignored. This time I snapped and yelled at him.

It's definitely a successful (so far) and (relatively) event free withdrawal. I'll just have to do a better job regulating my snappy tongue.

POINTS: 2 points for the first person to name my source for the title of this post. No searching please.

Posted by: Jim at 09:03 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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February 29, 2004

Exsmoking, Day 1

Thanks to the Welbutrin there wasn't any shaking or unbearable fits. Lots of lung cookies as the ol' breath bags tried to clean themselves out.

I did have some moody periods this morning. Until the mail came. With the awsomest and unexpectedest spirit lifter ever! Helen, you rock my world. Thank you from all the clan. That's a pretty prodigous thank you, you know. Seeing as there are five of us and all.

To the winch, wench!

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February 27, 2004

The Grande 2004 Peacock Invitational

I'm a quitter. A lowsy quitter, granted, but a quitter nonetheless. Kate's a quitter and so is Kelley. I quit for almost a year and a half back 'round '96 and Lovely Wife and I quit together for better than half a year in '01. I've tried quitting solo quite a few times over the past 16 years, never with any real success. Lovely Wife and I have also tried quitting together a few other times, also without success.

This time it's going to work. See, I'm quitting again. Lovely Wife already did and has been nicofree since Monday. In support of her courageous effort I've refrained from smoking around her or even bringing the deadly tempting cancer sticks into our domicile. This weekend will be the first days of my quitting for real since I'd be an absolute idiot if I started up again on Monday after going without for the entire weekend, returning only to this crazy half-smoker state where I get a mini withdrawal each and every day.

So I'm looking for support. Not moral support, financial support. Here's the thing - the absolute best I ever did was that year plus stretch. It was a year plus because I quit with my Dad, Brother-in-law and Brother-in-law's brother-in-law and we had a bet. Anybody who smoked again, even a puff, for the next year had to pay each of the others $25. The thought that my next cigarette was going to cost me $75 was instrumental to fighting down the urges when they hit. (Incidentally, Bro-in-law and I made it. Dad didn't make it and paid us our blood money. Bro-in-law's bro-in-law was a jackass and renegged on the bet.) So I'm going to go back to what worked and inviting y'all to come along. more...

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February 26, 2004

Anybody know a good lawyer?

No, that wasn't the setup for a joke. An aquaintance needs a very good lawyer in the Augusta and/or Atlanta area. The issue involves a student and a school and said school's policy that improperly forced said student into a youth detention center. Any help/leads would be appreciated.

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February 25, 2004

My dirty little secret

I had got a problem that very few people know about. It was a habit that sometimes affected my life. It was soemthing I wasn't emotionally committed to but just couldn't stay away from. It was not an addiction! I am a mature person in total control of myself. I'm no addict. Anal retentives don't get addictions, we get compulsions. Well, maybe you could call it a need but only occasionally. Definitely not an addiction!

It's not like it filled my entire day or something. It was just one in the morning, maybe another at work, one or two at night. Maybe some practice while I was having a cigarette or on the crapper. You know, when I wasn't otherwise engaged anyway. It's just something I used to keep my mind occupied when I was bored. Well, okay, sometimes I got a bit lost when I was doing it and didn't realize that Lovely Wife was talking to me. And maybe once or twice I didn't hear a kid screaming while I was doing it. Does it really matter that I zoned a bit when I was concentrating? Isn't that the mark of a committed mind?

And so what if I did it a lot? I'm good at it so why shouldn't I have? I don't think anybody ever went up to Jordan and said "You know, Mike...you're playing an awful lot of basketball. Maybe you should give that a bit of a break and try something else for a while". Damn straight they didn't. more...

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February 20, 2004

Playing hooky

Well it's a gorgeous day here. We're pushing 60 degrees with a very nice breeze so I'm taking the rest of the day off and going to the park to fly kites with the boys.

Cross your fingers and maybe Ilyka will show up to entertain y'all in my absence.

By the way - Munuviana will be moving to its new high powered home this tomorrow evening. The site won't look any different but there won't be any posting or commenting for the duration of the transit. Maybe 4 hours or so.

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February 19, 2004

Gay Marriage

I haven't really written about this issue for a couple of reasons. First, unless I somehow catch homosexuality from one of my gay friends it isn't likely to ever be an issue for me. Second, it's one of those issues where nothing that anybody says is really going to change anybody's mind one way or another. People have decided their position either emotionally or logically. There's nothing changing in the debate to affect a logical decision and you aren't going to change somebody's emotions via your arguments.

So why am I piping up now? Because I've heard "to preserve the sanctity of marriage" one time too many. Every time I've heard this particular argument I've cringed a little bit at the hypocrisy of the statement. I've run out of cringe room. (Plus the retort finally came to me earlier today at Trey's place.)

The people who are arguing for amendments defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not care one whit about the sanctity of marriage. The people fighting for laws defining marriage as being a union between one man and one woman do not give a damn about the sanctity of marriage. The people who are fighting against any and all legislation that would make homosexual marriage legal couldn't give two shits for the sanctity of marriage.

Want to know how I know this? It's because if they actually gave even the slightest weight to preserving the sanctity of marriage they would be fighting for amendments, laws and legislation to bolster marriage instead of this hypocritical hogwash they are involved in.

Want to preserve the sanctity of marriage? It's easy. Make that "til death do us part" portion for real. Make the marriage contract an actual contract. Make marriage a rare and precious thing instead of the "discard after use" recyclable it has become.

Imagine if marriage was permanent. First off there would be a hell of a lot less of them. People wouldn't be getting married for idiotic reasons any more. Britney would have stayed single. Rock stars and celebrities wouldn't count their spouses with sillhouettes on their car doors. People would be forced to actually deal with their partner and make things work. No quick outs.

So if you care about the sanctity of marriage stop putting your efforts into keeping people apart and start putting it where it should be: keeping marriages together. more...

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February 18, 2004

Snagglepuss

I've never been a flosser. It could be because I come from a family of non-flossers or maybe it's because my teeth are fairly tight and when I tried flossing way back when it was too uncomfortable. Maybe the seeping blood from your gums if you misjudge and hit them with the razor wire floss just turned me off. Whatever the reason I've just never been one to floss. I made up for it by being a militant tooth brusher. Once as soon as I wake up, once before leaving for work, once when getting home from work, once before bed. I used to also brush at work after lunch. I'll still add another brushing in there as needed if my mouth feels nasty.

Bear and Bacon recently had dental hygienists into their school to teach the kids how important tooth care was and to give the basics on brushing and flossing. Now anybody with kids will know what that means. They learned something in school that we didn't do at home. This became the absolute most important thing in the world to them. If they didn't floss then all of their teeth were going to fall out! They'd be overrun by plaque! Their breath would stink so bad that they could conceivably kill the birds with the poisonous gasses issuing from their orifices. (Personally I think that this was a bit over the top. If the birds could live through years of babies with crap pants I doubt they'd kick the bucket from nasty breath. Anyway...)

So Lovely Wife found these neat pre-loaded floss doohickeys. No fumbling around with the wax string and shoving fingers into mouths. Oh, no. Not with these sexy dental beauties. They are slick, easy to use and very efficient. So I tried 'em out.

My teeth are still very tight and it was hard to work the string on down between them. I still misjudged a couple times and was rewarded with crimson spit as my gums protested being sliced by the razor wire floss. And my efforts were rewarded as I dislodged some unidentifiable thing that smelled vaguely like raw sewage. I gagged. Seriously. I fought down the urge to puke. I then realized that I had just found evidence that there was something rotting inside my mouth. I fought down the urge to puke again.

I am now a militant flosser in addition to being a militant brusher.

Posted by: Jim at 04:06 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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