I was cleaning up some old emails this morning when I ran across a gem of a conversation between Ilyka and myself. It was from the time when she was hosting the Bestofme Symphony and suffering the deluge of spam that goes with temporary stewardship of the public submission address. As this email was right next to one from Nguzo Makagbo I took it as a sign that this must be shared with the world at large.

Ilyka: I've received one other submission, so the forward's working okay.

Oh, and spam. Definitely have received some spam. Want to go into business with a Ghana national who only needs your bank account # in which to transfer the secret-secret proceeds from his father's failed kingdom?

Jim: Sorry about the spam. One of the drawbacks of a publicly posted email address. At least you can be comforted that the spam stream will be flooding someone else next week.

PS - Never reply to the emails from Ghana, they're all a bunch of thugs and liars. The Nigerian classic is the way to go.

Ilyka: I don't know why you have to be hatin' on Ghana like that. They didn't invent the spam; they just perfected it! And Mr. Nagodobo assured me that he is a well-bred gentleman of royal descent. He gave me his WORD.

Jim: Mr. Nagodobo? I don't know if I'd trust him. I had a message from Doctor Ndroge's widow and she told me all about how her good husband the doctor had loyally served the insurgent government while acquiring a fortune of several million US dollars only to be slain in a royalist uprising. She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED. The poor thing needs my help badly as both the good doctor's former employers as well as the royalists want her inheritance.

Beware Nagodobo. He's probably just using you to find Ndroge's hidden funds.

Ilyka: Oh--you know I can't top "She had to be telling the truth BECAUSE IT WAS ALL CAPITALIZED." I'm out.

Jim: Sorry I had to GO CAPS on you, but you know what they say - a weapon unused is a useless weapon.

The morals of the story? Stick to the Nigerian scam - the original and still world leader in online scams.

And don't mess around with Jim.

Posted by: Jim at 11:50 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Because it has the Bold hint of guacamole! The bold hint of guacamole? Yes, that's right. The commercial talks about the bold hint of guacamole.

Let's get a couple things straight. First, there is no such thing as a bold hint, okay? It's an oxymoron like "government efficiency", "PETA cares" or "French courage". Either it's bold or it's a hint but never the twain shall meet. Secondly, guacamole cannot be bold. It's a squashed avacado. Avacados are nature's milquetoasts. Finding bold guacamole is about as possible as finding a rational fundamentalist.

Posted by: Jim at 10:47 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Those of you who read yesterday's post on my hosting problems may have noted that we were taking the boys to the dentist. I took off a half day of work for it. I invested 4 hours of my precious time off to take my kids to the dentist. I figured that three kids, all at the same time, all of them dental virgins...there's going to be some seriously good material here! Who wouldn't take off from work to gather amazing writing fodder like what was guaranteed to be generated in a situation like that?

I was so freaking robbed. The kids behaved the entire time. The staff was great. The place was great. No screaming. No tantrums. No whining. No. Freaking. Anything. No material whatsoever.

Well, I could maybe bitch a bit about the mounds of paperwork but that'll just make me a whiner. I mean you've got two ways to go with paperwork bitching: tragic and humorous. Tragic doesn't work here because every one of you have done idiotic paperwork so you're not going to feel a bit of sympathy for me. Humorous doesn't work either - what's funny about a pile of tedious paperwork? That's like trying to make being smothered by a pillow into a funny anecdote. Just doesn't work.

So I've got nuthin' for you. I had planned on having some fantastic humorous or touching material for y'all to read today but we were stiffed. Despite sacrificing an entire half of a work day to the cause we've got a net zero. Why did my kids have to pick this of all days to behave? Why, God? Why?

I swear, next time I'll amp them up on coffee and candy bars before we take them in. I won't let you down again.

Posted by: Jim at 12:09 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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PETA, through one of its sham front organizations, is getting the message out to just say NO to mad cow beef. PETA wants us to avoid eating beef, totally concerned over our health and the dangers of mad cow disease, right? But we really, really, really like to eat meat. Is this an impasse?

Heck no! I'm always trying to help folks out and I think I have the perfect solution here. Any time you were going to eat beef, substitute veal instead. See, it takes quite a few years for mad cow disease to manifest to a communicable state. If we kill the cows when they're babies we'll be safe, just like PETA wants!

Just say NO to those 100% USDA all beef burgers. Go for veal burgers instead! Meatloaf is a no-no. Cook up some wholesome and satisfying vealloaf! Beefsteak, no. Vealsteak, yeah!

There are some great side benefits to removing beef from our lives and going for veal instead. All those cows don't have to spend agonizing years in miserable captivity (PETA's very sad about this). They'll only spend a fraction of the time that they are now since they'll be slaughtered for veal while quite young. With the demand for beef going down and the demand for veal going up the price of beef will rise (this will make PETA happy) and the price for veal will decline (this will make us safety concious diners happy).

Everybody wins if we switch from beef to veal. We're safe from the dangers of mad cow disease and PETA doesn't have all of those grown cows to fret over! Support the cause, eat a vealburger today!

(Hat tip to Michele)

Posted by: Jim at 11:55 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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The other night things got a bit frisky at home and Lovely Wife and I got a bit happy with the old digital camera. Hey, it's a free country, it was the privacy of our own home and the kids were all asleep. While reviewing the resulting incriminating evidence it became apparent that we had a difference of opinion. I thought that they were very beautiful and considered them artistic photos. Lovely Wife thought they were basically porn and that I better not even think of posting them.

Since I'm naturally contrary and I've got a good 8 hours or so before she can physically harm me I've decided to post a select couple of pics. I'm not trying to showcase the Peacock Family nudity here, I'm genuinely interested in whether you think these are artistic or pornographic.

If a female spreads her legs is it automatically porn? View image

If it's tastefully done can a penis be artistic? View image

Let me know what you think.

Posted by: Jim at 10:22 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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A lamb!

Which begs the question, what do you stuff a lamb with? Chickens, obviously.

Does the recipe for stuffed camel put you in mind of The old lady who swallowed a fly?

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Posted by: Jim at 01:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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From Zero Tolerance for Violence in Schools blogged at Zero Intelligence.

And just last Friday, Janae Thorpe claims she was trying to break up a fight between her sister Ashley and another student at Groves High School when Janae was stabbed in the eye with a pen. All three girls were suspended and are also awaiting an expulsion hearing. "I didn't do anything," said Janae, who feels the school's policy is "stupid."

Posted by: Jim at 12:20 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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If Michele gets that laptop so she can cover the Republican convention in NYC I am so going to buy this T-shirt for her.

Posted by: Jim at 11:39 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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This is not a political blog for one basic reason. Politics (and specifically politicians) generally disgust me. I do my duty and keep informed. I vote. I'll discuss particular items with interested parties. I'll joke and make fun of them. What I don't do is get involved in battling against the retards and asshats that get off on the partisan bullshit screeds that so pervade the blogoshpere and the Internet at large. I'm making an exception.

Sue is an AOL user and died* in the wool Kucinich vigilante who befouled my comments with a 500 word rant ALL IN CAPITAL LETTERS!WITHOUT SPACES BETWEEN THE SENTENCES!AND ENDING EVERY SINGLE STATEMENT WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT!IT WAS, ODDLY ENOUGH, IN A REGULAR WEIGHTED FONT!MOST LIKELY BECAUSE SHE IS NOT INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO USE THE [BOLD] TAG!

MY FIRST INCLINATION (oops, let's take that "caps" button off) was to just blacklist this mentally deficient character and be done with it but I decided to draw swords instead for a couple of reasons:

1. Although she's a retard it's quite possible that she is an honestly misguided retard. Too long under the aluminum foil and anybody could be convinced to put the Kucinich gun deep into their oral cavity.


2. I'm pretty strongly against censorship. This was pretty obviously a cut and paste screed so I wouldn't really feel bad about deleting it but there's still the principle of the thing. I was offended by the comment but I certainly wasn't harmed. It was also a reply to a post where I critized Kucinich for his heartless assault against our GIs so it was at least correctly placed.


3. I think that it's important that people who pretend to be a "Sue" be exposed for the idiots that they are, when they make it oh so apparent exactly what idiots they are. I know a bunch of "Sue" types and all of them are bright and lucid. It's painfully honest that whatever this freak is, she isn't a genuine "Sue". If I let this go unpunished I would be doing a disservice to the "Sue"s that are being impersonated.


4. How can I pass up the opportunity to pour out buckets of backloaded vitriol on such a worthy target?

Disclaimer: My political beliefs center around the concept of an elected official performing their job well and doing so within the bounds of the constraints laid upon them. For the President these constraints include little things like the Constitution, the Legislative Branch and the Judicial Branch. As Kucinich has openly stated he has no intention whatsoever of giving even lip service to those three (and others) I have classified him and anybody who supports him as a nuckfut. If you are a Kucinich supporter then you are a nuckfut. Yes, really honest and for true. Therefore, nuckfuts will quite likely be highly offended by reading the contents of the extended entry. I guess it's quite possible that they've already been offended by my words above as well as from being called out as the nuckfuts they are and I should probably have put this disclaimer way up at the top of the post for it to be the most effective. But that's okay - like I really care about offending a bunch of nuckfuts.

The Real Disclaimer: This is a long fisking. I was pissed when I wrote it. Seriously pissed. Over several days. It is not a jocular taking to task of a misguided commenter, it is a furious diatribe against a target of opportunity that has provided me with an outlet to unload months of accumulated pissedoffedness. I did not open a can of whoop-ass here, I tapped a keg. If you love Snooze Button Dreams for my lighthearted quirky humor, anecdotes of life & family and the occasional kooky jack-ass maneuver recorded for posterity then this is seriously not the entry for you. You've been warned.

With that said, let us continue to the extended entry where I fisk this jackass's screed. more...

Posted by: Jim at 02:56 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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Apparently I'm a shoe in for Bush, which is pretty much what I figured already. Some of the other results were surprising though.

Bush: 100%
Leiberman: 93%
Edwards: 86%

Not unexpectedly, Kucinich was number last.

Find your perfect match.

Posted by: Jim at 06:36 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I guess I've been around a bit. This map shows the states that I've actually lived in. It's supposed to be a "visited" map but that just turns most of it red for me. If you're curious about what states I've visited just figure every state that touches one of these and that'll be pretty close.

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

(Hat tip to Susie)

POINTS: 2 points for the first person to name the inspiration for this post title. No searching please, you naughty little monkeys.

UPDATE: Lovely Wife's visited states and visited countries are in the extended entry. Wow, she really gets around, doesn't she? more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:27 AM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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1 Babe, you need to get out more. I mean-you haven't even been to Texas! I thought EVERYONE had been to Texas!

Posted by: Helen at January 29, 2004 08:59 AM (TZJXp)

2 No, that's "Everyone had a Texan". ;-) Texas is too big. I like smaller states where I can touch the walls for that comfy secure feeling.

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 09:25 AM (IOwam)

3 I got the answer, but I was a dirty monkey. (and I'm honest about it!) I seriously doubt that anyone's gonna get that... "It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way"

Posted by: Clancy at January 29, 2004 09:29 AM (EGVPL)

4 All "Family Guy" references aside, didn't MC Hammer bust that rhyme in "U Can't Touch This"?

Posted by: Mike the Marine at January 29, 2004 11:03 AM (Zw7Hl)

5 Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's the one, Mike. I've been around the world, from London to the Bay See, Clancy? I had faith that there were other old farts out there that rocked out to Hammer back in the day. Not that we're proud of that fact now, of course.

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 11:10 AM (IOwam)

6 Now why are there points for this "inspiration" but not points for the Peter Finch one? Huh? Huh? That's the whole point, isn't it? You change the words a little but still have a recognizable source?

Posted by: Susie at January 29, 2004 12:47 PM (0+cMc)

7 Susie, Susie, Susie...dear, sweet Susie... It was my fault. Totally and completely. I just totally dropped the ball on that one. I don't know why, but it just didn't click as a point source when I was writing that post. It happens sometimes, what with the state of the free world in my hands and all I just get so busy sometimes. I can't contaminate the Snooze Points by awarding them without having offered. Therein lies chaos! But I can try to put that smile back on your face. I'll give you all of the Cheesy points that I've accumulated from LeeAnn. There are three over here and a couple others somewhere else that I can't find 'cause the search isn't working. All for you. (I wonder if I just established relative value between Snooze Points and Cheesy Points. Hmmm... 2 to 5 isn't so bad.)

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 01:10 PM (IOwam)

8 Hmmm..does LeeAnn know about this? cuz the last thing we want to do is tick off The Cheese...that would be a Bad Thing™

Posted by: Susie at January 29, 2004 01:24 PM (0+cMc)

9 I'll check on that, Susie. If not, I'll have to try to smuggle them to you through the cheese underground.

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 02:18 PM (IOwam)

10 It's official. I just got confirmation from LeeAnn. The Cheesy Points are yours, Susie. And there was much rejoicing. (And no, you don't get points for sourcing that one.)

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 03:16 PM (IOwam)

11 I learned two things from mapping out states and countries I've visited. One, I've been to almost all the US (76%) and not very much of the rest of the world (a measly six countries from the list but two of my countries weren't listed under anything I knew them as).

Posted by: Johnny Huh at January 29, 2004 06:11 PM (AyewP)

12 I learned two things from mapping out states and countries I've visited. One, I've been to almost all the US (76%) and Two, I've not seen very much of the rest of the world (a measly six countries from the list but two of my countries weren't listed under anything I knew them as).

Posted by: Johnny Huh at January 29, 2004 06:11 PM (AyewP)

13 He's right, Susie, he cleared Cheesy Transference with me first. I should be freer with the Cheesy points. This is probably why I wasn't that popular in high school.

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 29, 2004 07:37 PM (HxCeX)

14 Not popular, LeeAnn? The mens' room wall disagrees. [duck] [SMACK!]

Posted by: Jim at January 29, 2004 07:40 PM (IOwam)

15 Well, as long as LeeAnn approves: Thanks, Jim!

Posted by: Susie at January 29, 2004 08:44 PM (0+cMc)

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If you've been reading me a while you've probably figured out that one of the things that most irritates me in this world is intentional stupidity. Come to think of it, that might be the only thing that really irritates me. Anyway, the height of this stupidity in recent years has been the preponderence of zero tolerance policies. These are the rules made up by school systems out of fear or knee-jerk reaction that forcibly compel school administrators from using common sense or whatever intelligence they might normally posess.

Gone are the days of leniency for honest mistakes, compassion for lack of understanding and any concept of letting the punishment fit the crime. Taking an Advil at school is now the same as pushing crack. Leaving the tools from your lawn care side job in your locked trunk will get you arrested. Having the wrong pencil sharpener or wallet earns expulsion. This lunacy has got to stop.

To that end I have started a new website called Zero Intelligence that will collect stories of the harmful effects of these policies as well as showcase the abuses caused by them. We will explore the reasons that they are adopted and point out the errors that lead to these very poor solutions. Although there is a great amount of indignation about zero tolerance policies there doesn't seem to be any organized discussion or action against them. I hope that Zero Intelligence will provide this greatly needed forum.

I would like to send humongous mountains of thanks to Matt Drachenberg (of Overtaken by Events). Matt volunteered to help with the site before it was even set up and there is absolutely no way it would be ready for use now without him. He did all of the plug-in stuff and the widgets and doodads and made it all actually work. Matt is serving as the site admin to handle all of the boring and frustrating technical problems that will pop up while I get to relax and handle the human element. He'll also be contributing content of course.

Speaking of content, it's light at the moment as we're just starting out. You can help in this regard by sending tips, commenting on the posts, or even becoming a contributing poster.

Posted by: Jim at 10:52 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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1. Puppy teeth are the second sharpest thing in the world, next only to samurai swords.


2. Puppies like to take a nip at anything and everything that grabs their attention, especially mobile things that will fit nicely in their mouths.


3. Puppy noses can open any door that is not firmly latched.


4. Human flesh is at its most sensitive directly after a hot shower.

It was toes people. Toes. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Posted by: Jim at 10:25 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The taxman is now my bitch. I've got my W-2 in hand and it's high time that the gubmint gave me my damn money back. Boo-ya!

Posted by: Jim at 12:16 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Say that you've forgotten to turn off your email at work so it continues to pull your emails when you go home. It is set to poll for email every 20 minutes, starting at 5 after the hour. Your computer at home looks for email every 10 minutes for the same address, starting at the top of the hour. If there are 12 emails sent to you during the time both computers are pulling email, how many of these would you expect to find on the computer at work the next day?

Points: 2 points to the first person with the correct answer. No wild guesses, please - you have to explain your reasoning.

Posted by: Jim at 09:05 AM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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The laws of physics still limit the number of vehicles occupying the same space to one single unit so perhaps the next time you swing over a solid white line into the non turning lane without the benefit of a turning signal because heaven forbid you would want to warn other drivers of your impending lunacy and you couldn't be bothered to switch lanes a quarter of a mile back before your lane became the home of left turning commuters you might wish to take a quick peek to be sure there are no other vehicles occupying the location you desire so you can avoid the tires screaching quick brake then foot to the floor acceleration move to cut in front of said space occupying vehicle while flipping the bird manuever that you decided to use today.

Have a nice day,
Jim

PS - I fucked your sister. She's nowhere near as good as your mom, no matter how much your dad disagrees.

Posted by: Jim at 08:53 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I've mentioned before how the message board as you enter the building sprouts the occassional inane quote. It's getting uncomfortably frequent. Here's what we have now:

The most important thing that you can wear is your expression.

This is just starting to ring too close to those insufferably smug motivation posters. The most important thing you can wear is your expression? Give me a break. I've never been asked to leave a bar because of my expression. My expression has never been the defining factor in losing a job. I've never been arrested because of my expression. I'll tell you what the most important thing you can wear is: pants. Trust me on this, m'kay?

Posted by: Jim at 12:28 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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The Burger (aka "Hamster", see the picture and you'll know why) is 2 years old today. Happy Birthday, short man!

The birthday boy

Posted by: Jim at 11:30 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Baby being Lovely Wife, of course. And puppy being...well...a puppy.

Lovely Wife loves dogs. And cats. And birds. And fish. And hamsters. And turtles. And just about any other pet type creature excepting ferrets. So what better gift could I give her than a puppy? Well, yes, a diamond ring would probably be a better gift but I can't get her the one I want at the moment so that's out. Okay, a new car would indeed be better but you're not thinking of the right class of gift here. Should I rephrase the question? Okay - What better gift could I give her than a puppy, said gift causing little to no strain upon my barren wallet? Nuthin', that's what. Glad you agree. more...

Posted by: Jim at 08:08 AM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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The household has grown by one. Info will come when I can put it out. Gotta go, the new baby is crying.

Posted by: Jim at 07:06 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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